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I CAN'T STAND my SS & SD

JPS4457's picture

THANK GOD for this site and to know I am not the only person who can't stand their blended family.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and living together for one. I can't STAND his children from his previous marriage. His son is 10, daughter is 7.
He has been divorced since his son was 6, and his daughter was 4, so it's not like this is a new situation. The mother cheated, and so my BF got a divorce.

There was a short "honeymoon" period in the beginning, where i got along with the kids and actually liked them, and vice versa. Everything was fine, the transition of me moving in, and we have them EOW and 1 or 2 days during the week. Apparently my boyfriend was on his best behavior in the beginning, like the kids. He treated me no differently when the kids were around.

it has always bothered me that it is his house, and will never be our home together. they all lived there about 6 mos. before i moved in. but thats the least of my problems.

In the last about 6 months, it has completely gone to s***.
I don't know wether I've just had ENOUGH, or what.. but im at the end of my rope.

It's gotten to the point where i cant even stand the mention of them. I feel like screaming SHUTUP to my BF when he brings them up. In my head, I feel like, PLEASE, I don't have to deal with them for another 2 days why are you making me think about it! ughhhhhhh. I DREAD the days, even the days before we have them. it's agonizing.

I will make every possible excuse, schedule any appointments i need to for those days after work so I will be home late. I will even stay at work late, or go anywhere else i can possibly think of to avoid seeing them, and hope they're in bed when i get home. I don't even want to go home how said is that? During the week @ work everyone looks forward to the weekend and talks about their plans, and im jealous because im miserable the kids will be there, snd i would rather be at work and i dont even love my job. I am out as much as possible because I can't even stand to be around them. And if I don't spend every MINUTE in the same room as them like their father, he has a problem with it. He's disney dad and feels guilty because of the divorce, blah blah blah. There's nothing wrong with watching tv in the other room, is there? No there's not. Everything is great when they're not around. Sorry, I'm not going to put my life on hold just because they're here. Big Deal. He thinks we have to have plans for the whole weekend when they're here and go out and do all sorts of extravangant things. It's annoying. When we do, they're ungrateful little f***. They should have a gold metal for complaining. If we go to the zoo, they complain and cry because they cant have the $100 stuffed animal, or there feet hurt from walking, or the car ride is too long. If we go to a football game or baseball game, son cries because he cant have a 5th hotdog. It's to the point where I'll fake not feeling well so I don't have to go. They are NEVER happy, they always want more. They are the most ungrateful children I have ever seen in my life. I used to work at a daycare, and have never seen such incapable, bratty, selfish children. But of course, they're perfect to Daddy.

His son is the lazy, whiny, bully fat kid. He lies and tells his father to shut up. He complains about EVERYTHING and is obsessed with eating. He acts like he is 2. I have never in my life seen a 10 year old boy who cries about anything and everything. It's pathetic. If his piece of pizza isn't big enough- he cries. If he cant figure out how to play a video game-he cries. if he has to go to bed-he cries. If he cant have an ice cream sundae- HE CRIES and wales at the top of his lungs. He throws a fit if what he eats isnt taco bell or pizza or some kind of fattening food. His son annoys me, but i can deal with him. e bought him SO MANY toys/games for xmas and he looked at us and said "Wow That's it?". Ughhhh.

His daughter is the real problem. Again, she is 7 but acts like she's 4. She still sucks her thumb, she whines, whines, whines, and wants a pity party 24/7, and every time she actually DOES get disciplined, (which is a joke) she runs off into her room "crying" so Daddy will go chase after her so she can make him feel guilty. And of course he falls for it. It's a shame he can't see that she's playing him. I don't understand how he does not see that she is a manipulative, selfish, condescending little b*** just like her mother. She talks in a baby voice and has to be attached to her father 24/7. He caters to her every need. it's pathetic. She will never have any responsbility for herself. She's almost 8 years old and can't even make her bed, or get herself something to drink. I'm pretty sure when I was 7 years old I was capable of pouring my own bowl of cereal.. but No..Daddy has to do it for her. she whines and whines "im hungry, i need a snack" 10 minutes after we eat dinner and I say "Too bad, you should have eaten more" then she cries and whines some more to daddy who gives her a dessert. I'm always the bad guy. She follows him around like a lost sheep. She can't even be alone for 10 minutes. EOW when we have them, we usually do a move night in the living room, and of course, she has to be laying with him cuddling on the couch. Cant be by herself for 5 minutes. It literally makes me ill to watch him being affectionate with her. I either have to leave the room, or put up a pillow as a blinder because it disgusts me. She acts like she is his wife. She is spoiled little brat and it makes me sick.

They have zero responsbility, they cant even put a dirty dish in the sink. Of course they don't have any chores. They will never be self reliant individuals and it's very sad. My BF gets SO offended when i try ti talk to him about my feelings. He acts like im personally attacking his kids, and im some evil bitch, which im not, I am only trying to help him. Kids actually like to be independant and do things for themselves, IF YOU LET THEM. I'm tired of the babying. The problem, again is he has to be disney dad because he feels guilty for the divorce and not seeing them everyday, so he over compensates. I tried to explain to him that in the long run it is hurting his children.

Another thing I have a problem with, is he calls us both "honey" or "baby" so i never know if hes talking to me or her.

Until I came into the picture, their father let them sleep in his bed with him pretty much whenever they wanted to. Over a few months, there were several nights where of course, one or the other would come wandering into our bedroom and poor them, they cant sleep or had a bad dream..blah blah blah. I made it clear to my BF that I was not happy about it, but i let it go, because i figure, sometimes that happens. and then it continued more frequently. I then had no choice but it make it clear that this is completely innappropriate at their ages (10 and 7!) and that night time is for sleeping in your own bed. That's just awkward. I forced BF to sit them down and tell them this. It's hard enough to have private time with children, they certainly dont belong in our bed at night. That is the only time we have alone together, and pretty much the only time i exist to him.

My BF and I have talked about marriage and children, and I let him know from the beginning that I wanted to have 2 children of my own and if he wasnt up for that then we're both wasting our time. He said he also wanted children with me, and we talk about marriage a lot. I would NEVER raise my children to be such self centered, ME ME ME brats who can't do anything for themselves. The more I am forced to spend time with them, the more I cant wait to have children of my own because they will be nothing like these 2 brats. I can't wait for my someday husband to actually see what normal children are like. Maybe that will finally shed some light on all the problems these 2 have, god. I have told him multiple times they need counseling, he blows me off. He has the blinders on way too thick. His kids are great and perfect, no problems. He gets defensive when I try to politely bring up issues with the kids that need attention for their own good. I've slowly been starting to disengage myself from all 3 of them when the kids are here. It's really the only sanity that I have.

I feel like if, and when we do have a child, it won't be special for him. He already has 2, that's all he wanted. He's already gone through 2 pregnancy's, been in the delivery room, and cut the cord.. all TWICE,. Whats a third time? nothing.
I feel like they have ruined it.
And if we get married, they will ruin my wedding day as well. I've been puting off even planning for our wedding, because the thought of them attending it just upsets me so much. I feel like that is the one day that is supposed to be about US.God forbid there be a day in the world that isn't about them. I dont want them at our wedding. I wish for ONE DAY we could pretend they dont exist.

I honestly wish It was like this from the beginning, because that would have made my decision a lot easier, and I would have gotten out.

I have tried so hard to love them, let alone even LIKE them. It's very frustrating.. and my BF asks me all the time if I love his kids. I have told him love takes time to develope. I don't have the heart to tell him I can't stand them. He is a good man and I don't want to upset him. I feel horrible saying this and I know how selfish it sounds, but i simply feel that my life would be better if they did not exist.

People always say, don't get involved with someone who has children, and I wish i listened....

FrustratedDad's picture

My advice is you need to decide now before you go any further one of two things:

1) I love my BF and except him and his children for whatever flaws they have. (This doesn't mean that you can't get frustrated or upset by bad behavior.) You therefore can't differentiate between these kids and any that you might have in the future as you need to accept his kids as your kids. His kids are still young and need a father. If he's not there for them they will only become more of a bear.

2) I love my BF but I can't stand to be around his family. If that is the case pack your bags and go now before you bring more kids into the picture. This will only get harder to do in the future.

CadysMommy313's picture

Your BF's son sounds like my SD11. My parents have treated her equally since day one and we have to force her to say thank you...it's sickening. I hate to break your spirit, but it only gets worse as they get older...Difference is I've already brought a child into the situation. The "honeymoon" period with my SD lasted a little longer. DH and I got engaged in Feb. or '07...planned our wedding for Sept of '07 and found out I was pregnant in July of 07....things were good with her until after our BD was born.............Good luck and if you need someone to talk to I'm willing to listen because I can empathize with what you are going through.

sadstepmom26's picture

Hi. I just want to say that I feel sorry for these kids. There's something wrong. Seriously, I dont know if its BM, Dad or what.. but something is wrong. They have some serious issues that need to be addressed. That said: I agree with frustrated dad. You need to decide if you can handle this and will stay in it. If you are going to stay, you've got to get to the bottom of your feelings and try to get things headed in the right direction. Meaning are you mad most because of your future husband? If he handled the kids different would that help you feel better or do you just dislike the kids just because and there's nothing anybody can do about it? IF you decide to just stay and allow things to continue as they have, your marriage wont last. It wlil be horrid and miserable and everyone involved will be the worse for it in the end.

Life is what you make it.

Stepmom1966's picture

I totally understand how you feel. It's as though you're stuck between a rock & a hard place. If I would have known things would be this way I wouldn't have gotten involved either. I'm in the same position & I feel for you. You'll have some people on this site act like your the worst bitch in the world. But you have an ally in me! I pray for your courage, strength & serenity to make it through.

soxy's picture

i know the feeeling! SD11 butter doesn't melt in her mouth & SS9 defiant brat!
they loved at 1st till BM got in their ears due to her jealousy of me!
then things got worse and DH wasn't supporting me saying i am too uptight! DAH with brats and disrespecting me What do you expect!
anyway, it was alll over day before Valentines day! The whole family including sister, ex wife & DH take some sort of Meds and they all told me i need help to talk to someone about my insecurity & uptightness??HAH
hilarious isn't it! they could not see that i was expected to take on so much responsibilty & when the kids started disrespecting me & DH decied he doesn't want more kids i changed!(other freinds & his family members could see it)
kids need to be punished/smacked whatever it takes to get back control!

mariposa2780's picture

I completely understand the feeling. My SS7 has his dad wrapped around his finger and my fiance has guilty father syndrome. SS7 had some pretty bad stuff happen in his life and I do have sympathy for him, I realize he has issues, but BD is too blind to see or address them. He passes it off as an excuse which let's SS7 get what he wants. Like X-mas time he spent all sorts of money on SS7 presents and just had to get him a $125 electric guitar which the child has yet to play with! A few weeks ago BD took SS7 to get a video game b/c he whined for it..they came home with not 1 but 2 video games! All SS7 does it play video games and BD thinks it's ok. Yet I am the bad person when I set rules and boundaries. I get told that I don't except him as part of our family and I only care about my BS. It's frustrating...I think he is completely oblivious to all that I do for SS7. Honestly I've been thinking I made a huge mistake.

primin's picture

It sounds like the kids have some pretty serious issues, and it likely is not going to get any better without some serious intervention including family counseling for everyone involved.

You are young and in love... and probably scared of starting over again but I would NOT NOT NOT even think about marriage until things have turned around. If you're miserable now it will be a thousand times worse in another few years.

Run sweetie, it doesn't sound like you are willing or able to tackle such a monstrous challenge and that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. Unfortunately there are many people here who may have made different choices had they gotten better advice before they got married. I was given good advice and had that feeling in the pit of my stomach and I ignored it. There are also many people who have made things work beautifully with a lot of hard work and dedication. I'm just saying you should know what you're getting into and think long and hard about what you want for your life.

Faitheliz's picture

Yeah. I could have written this myself. I'm in practically the same exact situation except I dont live with them. I adore my boyfriend but I have no idea how to make the relationship work on account of his kids. I stay out of their way, try to make sure their laundry is done, make them dinner every night that I'm there, but all they see is that I'm taking daddy's attention. And his answer is that they need more love, more time and more attention from him. I give. They win.
You cant compete with the kids...I think your options are to either accept third place and drink oceans of wine when they are there or take your marbles and go home.

FrustratedDad's picture

My situation is that my wife's priorities for herself are our baby is number 1, I come in a distant second, in a close third are her older kids, then comes her work, her friends, vacations and somewhere way at the back of a long list might be my kids but I don't even think they make her list.

I'm expected to put my wife's needs and wants at #1, the baby as #2 and I too am expected to put my kids last.

I try telling her that I don't see or feel the need for priorities. Everybody has different needs and wants and everybody should get what they need and the wants should be fairly divided based upon availability of time and money. Equity is not fair in my wife's book and this is what leads to fights and unhappiness. Everybody needs to do a little sacrifice for the sake of others.

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

I can totally relate to your post. I have found myself numerous times scheduling something when the skids are there so I don't have to be around them. I get so tired of the whining, the constant bickering, the complaining, the babying... My SS14 did not know how to wash his dirty dish until a couple of years ago. Are you f*ing kidding me? They are spoiled brats!!! I have told my DH this and he says "Yeah, but what do you want me to do about it?" But after reading your post, I am wondering if all kids are like this nowadays??? Or is this something common among stepchildren??

I went through the birth of my son and I can tell you that it felt to me that it WAS less special for my DH. That is my true feelings about it --- and may not be representative of his feelings though.

I wish I could say that it gets easier after marriage and babies but I would be lying.

retardedstepkids's picture

OMG!!!! Thank you for posting,and thank god I found a place to vent I am living the same life you are with 2 ungrateful, spoiled, manipulative little brats, both girls one is 14 one is 7 and I hate to say this but I literally cannot stand these kids it makes me sick to even look at them anymore, both of them! The 14 year old lives with us FULL time and the 7 year old is with us every other week, now when this kid comes I count the days until she leaves, I think I truly hate this kid, its everything about them too, EVERYTHING. I also have my biological son who lives with us from a previous marriage who is 5 and me and my husband have a son together who is 8 months. Now I can write a book on how bad these 2 kids of his are and obviously I can't type it all on here and I have tried to talk with my husband about all his favoritism towards his 2 kids but he thinks I'm crazy and sees nothing wrong. There is absolutely no punishing going on with anyone other then my 5 year old son. My sons life revolves around whatever his kids want to do and I think that's why I resent them so much other then just being flat out sneaky snakes.My sons bedtime is based on whenever his kids go to sleep, when we make dinner if his kids don't like what we are having its oh ok, its ok u don't have to eat it, u still hungry you want something else or ice cream?? If my son doesn't like what we are having its oh shut up your gonna eat it or u eat nothing u got it now EAT IT. This disgusts me to no end. The 7 year old is constantly groping all over her father like a dog in heat, she talks like a baby and refuses to put her own underwear on. She is sneaky and will tell my 5 year old son to do stuff for her that she knows she's not suppose to do to see if he gets in trouble first before she does it! I cannot stand hearing her say mmmmm I wove u daddy, its gross and then comes the sitting on his lap and cannot be more then 2 inches away from him on the couch, when she does this shit she will look at me with this hahah look on her face and I want to punch her in the face!! And I can't help it, I know its wrong and I hate having these feelings but they made me this way. Its all the babying and sh** I cannot put up with.and her eating habits, god I cannot even begin to explain, it makes me want to throw up!! She will gargle food down like she has never ate before. Dropping food all over herself and the floor. licking her fingers like a dog licks a bone. Just the other night I made hot dogs which she like and eats all the time with corn on the cob and mac and cheese she sat the devoured the mac and cheese 3 pcs of corn in less the 3 minutes! I swear to u less then 3 minutes then refused to eat the hot dog cuz daddy I don't like this hot dog, I said too freak in bad your eating it like u just ate everything else and your no different the rules here DO NOT stop because your here now eat it like everyone else was told. What does she do the little brat goes to the bathroom throws up all over the floor and the top of the toilet seat(didn't even open the lid) ohhh daddy comes running to princesses beck and call and says ohhhhh are u sick u want some ice cream, she looked at me with this grin again I wanted to punch her in the face. Can't tie her own damn shoes but yet screamed and whined for a pair of tennis shoes with 2 pairs of shoes strings on each shoe and will sit there giving people orders to TYE MY SHOES NOW! No I don't think so, I don't and won't put up with it ill send her out of this house with shoe strings dangling behind before I tie them. This is just a couple things like I said there is much much more, now comes child number 2 the worst I must say she is 14 and the nastiest most ungrateful animal I have ever met in my life. Let's start by saying she is a lesbian yes that's right I said lesbian and 14 at least that's what she tells everyone. She wears mens underwear and mens deodorant and has to use the same products as her father whom she still calls daddy btw.
She does whatever she wants around here with absolutely no disapline also what so ever. You tell her no she cannot have ice cream she goes and does it anyway or will go ask someone else, or will just keep asking until she is told yes! All she also cares about is food and eating.eat eat eat gimme gimme gimme is all I hear from these brats. And the lies, I mean this kid lies and steals, she stole money out of my drawer in our room, stole my clothes, my hair things, perfume, cds anything she can get her hands on.When she is on her menstrual cycle she uses pads and will throw them on the floor in the bathroom if the trash is full and expect me to clean her sh** up. She does absolutely nothing but sit on her ass and watch tv and eat literally!! I mean she smells so bad that I don't let the kids use the same bathroom as her or put there clothes in with hers, I won't even do her laundry because the last time the smell of bo was so bad I threw up, and its not just me my husband smelled it too she's disgusting. Before I even met my husband, before I moved in he was having problems with this kid, she was cutting herself. Now she actually has my husband thinking she is this revolved kid and she's all good but in reality she is a disgusting manipulative pig I see it why does he not. I had to take this kid to the emergency room one night this was a big waste of time because come to find out it was another one of her lies once again she said oh god it burns when I go pee it has been for a month oh god I can't go to school, well I took her they did all these test blah blah blah dr comes in says there is nothing wrong with her no infections nothing she needs to clean herself wipe front to back, I am thinking my god all this, 7 hours of waiting because she is dirty h*** I could have told her that! I just don't know what to do anymore I am so sick of this crap, I cannot stand the site of them anymore and thank god the one is leaving today!!!hayyyyyyyyy! The 14 year old is still her dangit its spring break so I have to put up with the slugging around sitting on her ass and eating.And I am done being the bad guy around her and I will not be 5 pleace in my husbands eyes. He thinks are rules end when the 7 year old is here and god forbid that either of these kids r told no. No is only used to my son I don't think either of his kids have ever heard the word. His 7 year old just last night took a candycane threw it on the floor stomped on it I said what do u think your doing, go to your room now and don't come out your done!!! He comes running to her rescue no kidding and pampers her, turns and looks at me and says its ok its already done its in the past. Had my son done this allll he** would have broke loose trust me the yelling and screaming would have got out of control.

JPS4457's picture

I honestly think it is stepchildren... I was raised to excuse myself from the table, always say please and thank you, and rinse off my dish and put it in the sink. Bio parents (my hubby included) feel so awful for step children because of their "hard lives" that they overcompensate by babying them and therefore they have no responsiblity for themselves. Having a hard life is dependant upon the circumstances you are raised in.. just because you're parents are divorced doesn't qualify as living a "hard life". Give me a break...If that were the case then 99% of them wouldn't be spoiled little brats! So frustrating... :/

mariposa2780's picture

I think it's kids in general..they are lazy and expect everything to be done for them, but I also think some of the fault lies on the parents. I was a Skid and granted my mom overcompensated for the divorce I still was taught how to do things for myself and show respect. Now I'm seeing more kids who are olds whining to their parents and the parents turning around to do everything for their kids. We as parents set the example..and kids are smarter then we think..let something slide one time and they remember it to use against you later!

I have a 2 year old son who I'm trying to raise with manners and to do things independently. He has to say please and thank you..he has to pick up his mess. Unfortunately when it comes to his BD he let's him get away with everything b/c he has guilty dad syndrome...my son seems to forget all the things I teach him when he comes home from a weekend at daddy's. My SS7 does the same thing when he comes for the weekend...rule go out the window unless I enfore them b/c his BD doesn't want the few days he has with him filled with fighting and punishment..therefore he spends 12 hours in front of the tv playing video games, leaves his room a mess, back talks and yells/throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. People need to stop feeling guilty b/c their kid comes from a "broken home"..there are reasons we don't stay together as couples..could you imagine what it would be like for the kid if some parents did dtay together?!

lostdad's picture

I vote to run too!

If you aren't first now, you won't be with a ring dear.

This is only your mess if you want it!

I chose my mess and am working through it. You can still back out and believe me, you'll be able to live with yourself.

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

Jsmom's picture

I agree. THis situation won't change. He doesn't see the problem, so everytime you bring it up all he sees is you attacking his precious kids. You either have to disengage and not say a word or you have to walk away from the situation. Otherwise you are just going in a circle.

VictoriaE's picture

Im am so glad that I am not the only one that would rather be anywhere then @ home when my bf son is there. I totally understand how you feel...The real problem here is that he has spoiled them for most of their lives and sees nothing wrong with it...Is he just going to wake up one day and realizing that he is doing nothing to help them at all. Personally I think 2 is hard to swallow meaning 2 kids and you dont have any of your own yet either. What about that what about your happiness and future. RUN DONT WALK to the nearest exit...these kids sound like demon spawn.