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I CAN'T STAND my boyfriend's 2 kids...

jps4454's picture

I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now. When we met, his kid's were 6 and 8. Now they're 9 (daughter) and 12 (son). It was a major adjustment to say the least, but manageable. Lately, I HATE when they are at our house, which is EOW and every Wednesday and Thursdays when they aren't here for the weekend. I feel horrible saying this, but i dislike everything about them. They are lazy, whiny, and act completely incompetent. His daughter, for example recently started talking like a baby, and i mean an infant. calling him "da-da" all freakin day long. She's almost 10 years old for god sakes, WTF!? And it's not like i can say anything or i would get a dirty look from my boyfriend and i would be a bitch. But i just think there must be an underlying problem for her to constantly act like a baby at this age. She gets PLENTY of attention. My boyfriend and his ex wife were divorced for 3 years before i even met him, so she has no recolecton of them ever being together. She throws random fits of crying and screaming that she needs help doing even the simplest tasks that a monkey could do. And of course my bf feels the need to be disney dad and attend to her every need because he feels guilty about the divorce. Guilt rules his life, and it's pathetic. She insists that she has bad dreams every single night and can't sleep in her own bed. My bf and i got into a fight bc i said she's not sleeping in our bed. I even purchased a dead bolt for our bedroom door and lock it once my bf falls asleep. I don;t mind her coming up if she has a bad dream, which i've told my bf, but i dont want her in OUR bed. Then he's too tired to get up and walk her back downstairs so she stays. I put a stop to that real quick (the lock). We've also been going to through some recent financial difficulty which has cause additional strain on our relationship. He has these mood swings that i can't keep up with, like i have to brace myself for what kind of mood he's going to be in when he comes home from work depending on if the children will be at our house. If they are, everything's great he's sooo happy calling me baby and sweatheart and blah blah blah just a great mood like life is fantastic. When they aren't tere, he comes home from work moping and complaining about his day. I can't take it anymore. He expects me to be thrilled the kids are here, just like he is and it's completely the opposite. It's ridiculous - I go to bed early and take nyquill so i can sleep in as late as possible on the weekend just so i dont have to be around them. They annoy the hell out of me. I also don't appreciate the fact that he completely ignores me when they're around. Now i've always encouraged him to spend time with them because of course they need their father, but really, ignoring me 100% when they're around kills the relationship. And his son is a horror. He's disgustingly overweight, at which i've attempted to make healthy meals, only to get bitched at that vegetables make him throw up... well maybe that's cause he's never had one in his entire freaking life! Every meal i make is "ew i can't eat THAT" So- gave up on that. Not my kid, not my problem, have another piece of pizza. Everyone in the family talks about how he needs to lose weight but i ws the only one attempting to do anything about it! His grandmother does nothing but shove cupcakes and cookes in his face. He is 12 and cries like a baby at the most ridiculous things. Like, if he can't figure out how to turn the cable box to watch TV on he starts hysterically whaling like a baby. It's so embarassing in public. People stare at us, and even laugh because he's acting that way at his age. i'm ashamed. And he has no awareness of his surroundings or what is going on.. ever. He's completely incompetent on every level. It literally disgusts me to look at him. I suggested nicely to my bf that maybe he needed to see a therapist because maybe he's acting this way because of th divocrce, but of course, nothing is wrong with him according to my bf. Is anyone else going through this? I just can't stand when they're around!!! I find myself booking hair appts or grocery shopping during the week days they are here just in hopes that by the time i get home they'll be in bed!!! ugh Sad

oneoffour's picture

The reason they behave like this is because this is how they get attention. Your BF allows this behaviour and he can stop it in a flash... if he wanted to. HE probably subconciously encourages it because he gives them what they want when they put on the act.

I have a bit of a problem with the deadlock on the door though. If the house caught on fire and he had to get out to get the kids then you may find yourself with a horrible issue. Sure, replace the handle with a locking handle but get rid of the deadlock. It is a constant reminder to your BF how much you hate his kids which only makes things worse.

One way you COULD get around his daughter wanting to come into your bed is ask how would he feel if his ex and her partner allowed her in their bed. Is he OK with his little girl sleeping with another man? Sometimes turning the tables on them makes them get a few clues. Trust me, I had to do it more than a few time to my DH.

There is nothing wrong with avoiding his kids. I went through a stage (for a couple of years) where my SSons annoyed the CRAP out of me. I went to the library. I went to a movie. I went and read at Starbucks. I would volunteer for overtime. DH eventually asked me why i was never home. I told him his kids behaviour was appalling and I couldn't stomach it anymore. I wasn't allowed to watch my own freaking TV because they had to watch cartoons or freaking Packers re-run games. GRRRRRR! I reclaimed the TV but only with DHs help. If he hadn't stepped up to the plate i would be outa here years ago.

What do you see as your future? Are you intending staying with him until they are out of highschool and working or in college? Think long term and consider WHY you want to stay with someone who refuses to help his kids and allows them to be like this? Does he have redeeming characteristics or is he just good in bed (and that can be just as important but shouldn't be the only reason you stay). See, they will always be in his life whether you are there or not. So the question is, where do YOU see yourself in 10 yrs time and is BF with you? I know dealing with his guilt is horrible. I had to deal with that myself. It is like they are 2 different people. My DH and his fisrtwifes ex.

alwayscivil's picture

I don't think you should continue in this relationship. You are toxic to these children and they should matter more to your bf than being with you. If you have any decency, which you have not demonstrated by your post, you would end this relationship and find a man sans kids. Also, both kids were old enough at he time of the divorce to remember their parents being together. And, so what if they do remember? That is none of your business. It is conceivable that they may even have some happy memories. I hope they do. Why be so threatened?

Aeron's picture

You are not the only one with this problem, it actually pretty common and very classic guilty daddy. It also sounds like your bf is in complete denial, so honestly, it's unlikely to get any better and will probably only get worse as the needy, clingy whiny babies become bigger, needier, whinier, more Expensive babies.

Guilty daddies make a habit of catering to the darlings every whim, and those whims only get more expensive as they get bigger. The eating problems will not get better. The Ignoring you while they are around will not get better and will likely get worse once the little dears realize that daddy will do whatever is asked of him.

When they get involved in drugs and are stealing, you will be the bitch for protecting yourself. When his daughter gets pregnant as a teen, you will be the bitch for not wanting to raise her baby and fund it all. Cars, college, weddings - you will be expected to contribute even when you are not invited and not consulted.

If it's this bad and he's completely unopen to any of your advise, try to get him to go to counseling with you. If he refuses, you may have to rethink your situation and decide if this is the life you want forever, because marrying him won't change anything and having a child with him won't change anything.

Realistic _ expectations's picture

I had a lot more to say but for some reason it wouldn't give me the option to send. Anyways to sum it all up, you are his partner and he needs to make you feel you meen just as much to him as his kids do. And if he doesn't and if there's no hope he will. Then he either gets an ultimatum or your out. That's what I would do. Because you deserve that and need that in a relationship in order for it to work. You should never have to take a back seat just because of his kids.

Realistic _ expectations's picture

My personal opinion is that your not toxic to those kids at all. Your doing a better job for them then their own parents. It can be super annoying and frustrating to deal with such brats. You need to sit your boyfriend down and explain to him that u encourage his time with the kids and that your happy he spends time with them etc. But u also have expectations and if they are not met and you cannot come to an agreement on anything. Them the relationship that he is putting you in is toxic.

jssdallas's picture

I would end the relationship. Things don't get materially better-they get harder, and you may figure it out better, but there is a website about all this for a reason. I really had NO idea what I was getting into entirely. I mean I knew but I didn't know. If it is like this now, I'm telling you it probably won't improve.
This isn't making you happy. No need to stay.

jssdallas's picture

Also, these kids sound pretty tough. I would try to remember that these are someone's precious gifts and their pride and joy. I have a new perspective on this when I went from just being a step-mom to being a mom. As HARD as it is (and I fail often) I try to remember that if the tables were turned and I was not able to be with my children all the time I would be CRUSHED to know that someone was locking them out of the room etc.
I think maybe just try to find something that you all connect on and see how it goes. Game night? Take them each to do something fun, just you, maybe you will see something in them that you like or can relate to.
Your just disengage and make your boundaries clear from the beginning, but I go back to my original-if you don't like it and they bug, this isn't for you. I would try to find a relationship that works better (mood swings with anyone you should not have to endure) for you all the way around. Good luck- heed the warnings. Wink

watergirl714's picture

So the divorce rate 50 percent. Relationships without a ring have a higher breakup rate. Add kids from a previous relationship and all the baggage of raising kids that aren't yours until they are adults (and very possibly beyond), ask yourself if you really want to do this. You're young. Relationships are hard enough without the added stress of skids. Imagine doing this for years, decades, a lifetime. Is this what you want for yourself? Do you see yourself happy, truly fulfilled in this situation? If not, get out while you can. There are plenty of good men in the world without children.

surfchica's picture

If you are looking for a consensus of opinion I can add mine to the mix. I had the best intentions in the world and your story was similar to mine in many ways. I was always put last and spent two and one half years unilaterally trying to make my relationship work. It didn't. It only got worse. So my advice would be to get out now and find somebody who is centered ( he's not...mood swings) and cares about your feelings.