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I can't love nor accept my stepson and my husband doesn't understand.

Deidre2567's picture

My fiancé has a son that is a product of a teenage mistake and a teenage girl that didn't have the smarts to put the baby up for adoption so that all parties could have a chance a better life. As a result my fiancé quit college and joined the Army because she didnt want work and endured horrors, injuries and did things no civilian can imagine nor understand and most recently cancer. The baby mama chose to marry a sleaze bag that doesn't work and have 2 more kids that she supports via my fiancé child support leaving us to get all of his 13 year olds clothes, school supplies and plane tickets to visit. My fiancé was medically retired and I gave up my career as an Archaeological Conservator, which i loved,to care for my him ,so we are financially extremely tight and I blame his baby mama for my fiancé having to give up his dreams and put himself in danger and the resulting hardships and shell of a man that he is now
I guess the point fiancé so badly wants me to love his son but all I see when I look at him is resentment. His mother stole my first baby experience from me, he is such a drain on our finances that I can't afford the baby I desire so much it hurts and lastly all I see when I look at his son his sons manipulative gold digging mother. I feel robbed!
I catch myself playing the what if time machine game in my head ( how without his kid life would be so much easier as as close to perfect as life could get) and I have even thought things in times of desperaty that I'm deeply ashamed of.
I can't love him. My fiancé asked me to try and to be honest I could but I truly don't want to. He isn't mine. I like his son, I'm kind to him, help him with his homework, and find him to be generally an ok kid and the kid seems to really like me. I tried explaining that I see his son like teachers see their students- I care, I will help him and wish no ill will but at the end of the day the kid isn't mine. I just wish my husband would accept this and be happy I am nice to his son and care but the sadness and hatred will always be there.
How do explain to my fiancé that I don't want his son at our wedding? Is it wrong of me to not want him there since this the beginning of my fiances and my life? I am so confused and guilt ridden.
I need advice, help, anything.

realitycheckmom's picture

Why is it all her fault for not giving the baby up? You have no bios right? So you do not know how hard that decision is for some people? Why is your DH given a free pass for not wearing a condom or abstaining?

TASHA1983's picture

I know pretty much exactly how you feel. I too do the whole "time machine" thing, bm is a gold digging whore who also lives off of my dh's 920.00 a month that we both know she uses for her "upkeep & lifestyle"! You name it...and I know what/how you are feeling! In my mind skid/bm are just a drain and burden in every way and we would be better off without them in the picture.

I totally understand how you feel about not wanting skid at your wedding! I just got married less than 2 weeks ago and skid was not at our wedding. NOT because he wasn't invited (skid has been blowing dh off for his visits and it wasn't a skid wkend when we got married) but because we didn't want anyone to know before it happened, had to hide it from my dad (long story) and because it was a very small ceremony and also there is always that chance of bm/skid drama if they knew about it so we just had a small ceremony with a few people present.

I can't imagine that your fiance will understand or like how you feel about skid not being at the wedding since he seems to be pushing his kid on you really hard...but you can and should express your feelings in a nice, calm, way and explain your reasons to him and maybe just maybe he will understand.

I hope it all works out for you! Smile

BSgoinon's picture

>>>>In my mind skid/bm are just a drain and burden in every way and we would be better off without them in the picture

HEY, I am a BM and I take offense to that. Not all of us are like that. My exh and I get along just fine, I don't take child support from him. I work my ass off and we share custody 50/50.

Then again, I also adore my stepson and understand that BM is not going anywhere, as much as I would love for her to, so I suppose you and I don't have much in common.

TASHA1983's picture

Guess not...oh well that is life I suppose.

I am a BM also. And I am NOTHING like my dh's EW. I actually use every penny of the CS I receive for my son, I work and don't expect others to support me/bs, and the list goes on.

I only meant that MY skid/bm are that way or any other pos like them. Otherwise decent BM's like yourself were not included in that or meant to be offended by my comment. Smile

My apologies for the confusion...

BSgoinon's picture

TASHA, I don't know you other than what I see you post on here. I read your posts of how much you dislike the Skids, and how much you detest the BM, and the complaints about child support.

I will not give you the same ol' "you knew what you were getting yourself in to", because I understand that is a blanket comment and everyone's situation is different. What I don't understand, is the resentment you have for your DH's previous relationship. I could be wrong here but just from what I read, and I know it's just bits and pieces of your life, it seems like you are more angry at the fact that he was with her and had kids with her than anything else.

We are all married to or in a serious relationship with people that have a past. Hell, you have a past, you have kids from a previous relationship. Have you done some serious soul searching about where your frustrations and angry stem from?

This is a serious question, I am not trying to sound like I know exactly what you have going on and I am telling you how WRONG you are. I really want to know, is it the KIDS and the BM's lack of parenting skills that have your feathers ruffled, or is it the fact that the man you love, once cared enough about her... to father her children.

If I am totally wrong here, accept my apologies. Just trying to understand where all this bitterness and anger is coming from.

TASHA1983's picture

I am not upset about him having a past. I know he was with other women as I was with other men. That is not the issue for me. And he was with her for a short time then she became pregnant and then HE decided to marry her because in his mind he thought it was what was best for his kid. Once she knew she "had" him, the crazy came out, according to him. I told him before, that there are ALWAYS red flags in some way, shape, or form but when we are with someone we either overlook them or what not because he would say that she was pretty much all sunshine and roses until she knew she "had" him by the balls so to speak and then she controlled his every penny, move, etc. So he chose to stay in a miserable marriage for 9 years and then once her cheating was confirmed he was done and they proceeded with a divorce. I am "bitter/angry/frustrated" etc because I have finally found a man that is amazing in pretty much every way...hard worker, great to me and my son, loyal, etc. and of course it has come with a high price! A gold digging, crazy bm and a brat kid. I am frustrated because when he was with her she was a complete c*** for the most part and she barely had to work, she had nice houses, cars, etc and pretty much had a swanky life because he worked his ass off to provide for her, her 3 other kids that werent even his etc. and here I am getting the "leftovers" (in my mind).

Don't get me wrong, I love my dh and what we have but it just burns my ass sometimes that a royal bitch had it "easy" and the good life and here I am a decent women who actually works and provides for her child and pretty much the opp of her and what they had and I just feel cheated. kwim? Sad

But seriously BSG, I did not mean to offend you or BMs in general I meant that MY dh's bm/skid and BMs that are complete pos and their brat kids suck...

BSgoinon's picture

I can completely understand being frustrated with that history. Trust me, I am frustrated that BM stays at home, doesn't work, spends her time on the internet searching for her next victim. I am frustrated that it is 7:15 am, I have been at work for a half an hour yet she won't even drag her ass out of bed for another 3 or 4 hours. It drives me NUTTY knowing that SS things her shit don't stink when the truth is, she is a huge pile of steaming stinky crap. All of those things drive me insane.

With everything that you told me in your response, I seems like you are not in denial of his "relationship" with her. He sounds like a lot of our DH's here, thought he was doing the "right thing" by marrying a woman that had his child, and it didn't turn out so well for him. My question now would be, are you harder on the kids because they are a product of BM? Or are they REALLY bad kids? All kids are brats from time to time. Hell, my DD10 was driving me crazy last night (she has anger issues) and SS can be a little turd sometimes, and it used to make me really mad when SS would get in to his "I only want my dad" mode and treat me like I didn't exist. This was when he was REALLY little, I learned to understand that his behavior was coming from his mom and it wouldn't be fair for me to hate him because of it. Instead, I loved him through it and now we have a great relationship. He is my little man. I don't know where we would be if I would have held on to the anger regarding behavior that he learned from his mom. The older he gets, and the less I focus on his learned habits and focus more on giving him the life that DH and I do, he has learned which side his bread is buttered on. He was never a BAD kid, so that made it easier, but he did have serious loyalty (and still does) issues with BM. He is growing out of it, I think partially because I am not holding a grudge about things he has done that were planted by his mom at a young age. We just prove those beliefs wrong, and move on.

I don't know what the situation is with the kids, that makes them bratty for you. I get BM is a POS , she sounds like a real piece of work. But is your anger displaced? Do you take things out on the kids that MAY not be 100% their fault? Or are they honestly THAT bad.

I appreciate you clarifying that you didn't mean BM's in general. Sometimes your posts remind me of the Little Rascals "HE-MAN WOMAN HATERS CLUB" Wink but it's the "SHE-WOMAN BIOMOM HATERS CLUB". A lot of it justified by her behavior. But is the anger towards the kids justified as it is toward BM? The child support, is what it is. There is not a WHOLE lot anyone can do about it. Your amazing husband, took care of her for a long time. Unfortunately, he set the standard for her lifestyle... now he has to continue paying for it. I HATE THAT TOO. But, that's the way it is. Sad

I am not offended, I get you weren't directing your comment at ALL BM's. I do have concern for the kids though. I could be VERY wrong... but it seems like you are pretty tough on them, because you hate BM Sad

TASHA1983's picture

I have NEVER once treated skid badly. Not once. When dh and I first started dating, it was always the 4 of us. I used to playfully wrestle with skid and talk with him etc. but then he turned into a bratty, mouthy, rude, sore loser, tattle tale, etc and I just couldnt stand it anymore, and told my dh how I felt etc and from that point on I have NOT been around skid, havent seen or been around him on any of his visits for 1+ year. I went into this relationship with an open mind to give, and did give dh and skid a chance. But all turned to shit when skid would just act like a jerk with his attitude etc. I honestly don't know wtf happened with him! We never had an issue, then BAM slowly but surely he got worse and more unpleasant to be around. And for months now skid has been blowing off dh and not wanting to go on his visits. Again, I had nothing to do with this because I have NEVER treated this kid bad once! I am never around him! I gave up on being around him a long time ago.

And to answer your question about if he is a bad kid or not...I will give you an example of what just happened with skid a couple months ago. BM tells dh that they need to meet with skids Principal at school. Come to find out, skid called a kid that "came out" in school a "FAG" AND on top of that was laughing when another kid was making obscene sexual gestures to a new girl at school with a cupcake. AND the icing on the cake...BM texted dh to tell him that skid didnt see what he did was wrong and had no remorse for it whatsoever! :jawdrop: So I will let you be the judge of that...and people wonder why I am/feel the way I am/do and don't want to be around him or better yet around my bs....

BSgoinon's picture

So, all of the sudden he doesn't want to be around dad, and he is acting like a jerk. Me thinks BM has gotten to him. Sad

Ok, I get your frustrations. Has your DH requested therapy or counseling with him? Sounds like he has some things to get off his chest. I am sure the fact that he is not allowed to be anywhere but the living room and bathroom in his dads house, is making things worse and a contributing factor to him not wanting to be with his dad. Whether you are around him or not, your rules are effecting him and likely building up resentment, not only toward you, but also his dad. Disagree?

I have a soft spot for your SS. I think he needs you guys to love on him. Maybe that will help turn him around. I am not ignoring the fact that he did disgusting things at school, and I wouldn't want that around my kid either. But I think I would be more willing to help STOP the behavior, rather than ban him from my house at this point.

Please don't take this as badgering or judging. I just want to understand. I feel bad for this kid...

TASHA1983's picture

When he was at his dad's old place dh had a room and was not limited to just certain rooms there, nor was skid. It was just a shared space thats all. AND when he would visit his dad there, he would STILL ask before he took anything to eat. So even if we did implement a rule for him to simply ask it would not be anything different than what he was already used to. kwim? (And according to dh he never made skid ask for food/drinks, he just asked anyway.)

I have no doubt that BM has her fingerprints ALL over this, and if so SHE has to answer for what she has done to skid. Skid is obviously loyal to her and when he would come back to her from visits with dh she would apparently interrogate him because less than 5 minutes after dh dropped him off she was blowing up his phone telling dh to ask her and not interrogate skid etc. PLUS I am sure that her spoiling the shit out of him with new video games etc has ALOT to do with why he wants to stay home too.

And he is NOT banned from the house, I have NEVER once tried or did limit or stop their visitations. I just personally don't want to be around him. I know dh has to do the daddy thing, and as much as I don't like him or want him around at least I am not THAT cruel that I would demand or put a stop to them spending time together, I just don't want any part of it anymore. kwim?

BSgoinon's picture

I do KWYM.

I still feel for this kid. It's not his fault his mom is poisoning his mind. I hope something happens here and something breaks for your family to turn this all around.

TASHA1983's picture

She "lives" off of the 920.00 a month she gets from my dh, she lives off of the Govt, she works on/off(usually gets fired from jobs), and misc cs from other sources. (I have mentioned these things before in posts.)

1) DH's paychecks after CS etc is taken out are pretty small by most standards (plus we were saving $ up to pay for a dp for a place etc). He can pay for a mortgage because we were able to find a nice mobile home in a nice park. I do have excellent credit BECAUSE while I was at home I was paying ALL of my bills and giving my parents money to live there. I just could not afford to also pay for a place for my bs and myself. So we have NOT overextended ourselves.

2) Again we purchased a MH that came with 2 bdrms, kitchen, 1 bthrm, a living rm, and they added a huge room to the side of it. And yes my sons room is pretty small. There is just enough room for his bed and two small bureaus to fit.

3) My parents never cut me off as you would like to assume/think, I always paid for everything for my son and I. Food, clothes, car pmt, etc. everything. As mentioned above, I also gave them money to live there. I kept it a secret from him because he has done nothing but be a complete asshole to my dh and I ever since we started dating. My father has known my dh for many years prior to us even dating and whenever he say dh they would laugh, joke, etc. and then once he found out we were dating it was like night and day. It has been pretty bad. My own father doesn't even talk to me at home or at work, he treats my mother like a punching bag because he is too much of a coward to say anything to dh's or my face unless it is a rude comment or dig under his breath. So we moved my stuff out of my house and got married without him knowing because who knows what he would have said/done!

And yes, it did come off "very bitchy" in fact, but I hope I cleared things up for you and now you KNOW what is going on and why I say and feel the way I do...not that it is an excuse but I am entitled to my feelings just like anyone and everyone else.

myspoonistoobig's picture

At the end of the day, your DH is the one who is responsible for you having to give up your dreams, robbing you of the first baby experience. This isn't something you can solely put on baby mama.

And as for ruining his life? His decisions are his own, and also aren't on baby mama.

The shell of a man he may or may not be is all of his own making, and if that's something you can't deal with, you definitely shouldn't be having kids with this person.

Quit putting him on a pedestal. He's not perfect, and you will always have to live with his mistakes. Or you can leave.

Your choice.

If you want to stay, more power to you, but you might be happier if you take a step back and work on accepting your DH's f***-ups instead of putting them on people it's more convenient to blame.

WTHDISUF's picture

I somewhat understand but do think you are misplacing the resentment all on BM shoulders. I was a young teen and so was her Father when we had our daughter. We were told to do abortion, adoption, etc and that was not the right choice for us. We raised her, both made big sacrifices but she had a good life and we did best we could and it all turned out okay. Couldn't fathom the thought of her being somewhere, abused or growing up in a foster place. I'm not some horror just for having a kid as a Teen. The Character of the people involved here had nothing to do with when the boy was born. The BM would be who she is either way. And your DH was heavily involved in this occurrence Smile And at least he didn't bail out and run off like many Teens would've. That says something.

As for not having a child due to finances, maybe you should reconsider marrying him if you really want one and these issues make you feel like it's not possible with him. I say that because I think my DH wants a kid, but I told him on the first date that I was done having kids and he adamantly said he didn't want any more either as he has a son. Much later, when I found out his son is not his Bio-kid, I asked him again and he was adamant he doesn't want kids. But after 5 years, I don't believe him and it makes me feel guilty b/c I would have set him free to find and marry someone else, someone who wanted kids. So think hard about that b/c if it doesn't happen, you can't blame your DH entire past as you're walking into in advance, knowing this story full on. On another note, support will be over in 5 years probably and maybe you'll still be young enough to have a baby when he's not paying anymore?

With that said, I totally get the way you feel about your Stepson. And I think you are accepting him, even if you don't love him. Not accepting him means he'd be unwelcome in your life in any form and that you'd stay away from him as much as possible so give yourself some credit. I have pseudoSS9 and I've been in his life regularly since he was 4. I tried to bond with him as I've dated other Men with kids before and was able to get on with them, had some genuine fun and good times, were decent kids. But wasn't happening with SS. Like you, I help with homework, cook foods he likes sometimes, try to go on outings to expose him to different things, was at all of his soccer games and practices with DH, etc. He wasn't DH's and ok, fine as I didn't have an issue with his BM UNTIL I started seeing her true colors around time SS was 6...Took about 2 years to see who she really was and it's a deplorable character. I can't stand her now. SS9 is starting to be the same the older he gets and I'm actually liking him LESS now. He doesn't have 'cute young kid' factor anymore and is just full on brat now. Normally you see some of the person you love in a kid they have and that helps but this child is totally different race from DH and we don't know who or where his BioFather is and so honestly he's like a neighbors kid to me--someone I won't harm but sure don't want to take care of in any way. He has nothing in common with DH despite him being the only Father he's ever known (he doesn't know DH is not his bio dad yet). So there's just nothing for me to connect the dots and try to form anything more than a "as I would with any kid" feeling for him. I don't beat myself up about it anymore--been 5 years and it is what it is. DH wishes it were different but I had to tell him that I simply see him as a kid. When he's a kid who's negatively impacting my life because we have to deal with trifling ass BM, it's very annoying as I can't justify it in my mind. Don't beat yourself up about this. You're doing your best and that's all he can ask. Can't make you love him...

(I didn't want SS at our Wedding either and DH had a fit. We had a small intimate ceremony with no kids there which is main reason I didn't want him there. But also this was a kid that was born of an affair during his first marriage; he had no reason to be at my first wedding as he was no way an intimate part of my life. DH had his first wedding the way he wanted the first time and I wanted the same. But I relented and let the boy come b/c DH had claimed him so fine, but I regret it. I don't look back on my Wedding day with the same joyful feeling as I should. He was there and all in the way, pouting and running off because he wasn't center of attention. We tossed several pictures as he was sitting there frowned up, not wanting to be in them. He ran out into some of our pictures sometimes. Photographer finally stopped and asked DH best friend to get the boy and take him off. He'd pissed me off by then, delayed cake cutting b/c he was pouting and ran off and DH had to go after him, he talked during our vows, etc. He was 6 then...I should've let that day be a sign... Lol)

chokinonlemons2u's picture

If u feel that way with the hatred and sadness, do YOURSELF the favor of not getting married. Seriously. This will only go badly for you, your spouse and the kid. We choose who to love and there are plenty of dynamic men with NO children.

Disneyfan's picture

BM isn't keeping you from doing anything. You are making the choice to stay with this man.

If your accepting his kids is a deal breaker for him and you can't/won't, chances are soonervir later he will end the relationship.

You already know what you're getting yourself into. If you feel this way now, why bother getting married?

steppyme's picture

The child did not ask to b here. A child is not some toy u just give away. There is some emotional bond attached. Only a mom would understand that. If u detest the child so much at this early stage tge relationship will be strenuous for u no matter how u love the man...chances r u will start hating the man too when u cant get ur way all the time. Just say wat if ur present relationship dont work n there is a child involed
This is how u want another woman that her father spend most of his time with to look at ur child....think abt it b4 u resent an inocent child.if ulove the cow u hav to accept the calf.

Terry Bear's picture

WOW I probably should not post on this one, but yes I will. First, let me start by saying that I am a BIO Mom and a StepMom. I don't know if you will read this or not, but I will say this either way so that maybe someone else can benefit from what is being said here...

My fiancé has a son that is a product of a teenage mistake and a teenage girl that didn't have the smarts to put the baby up for adoption so that all parties could have a chance a better life.

** A mistake???? A mistake is picking up a pencil when you need to write in pen. A child is NOT a mistake. Two people choose to get into a sexual relationship and do things that produces another life.

Adoption??? Two people created a life and you are saying that they do not need to be held accountable for creating that life.... What would the world be today if everyone who "made a mistake" look like if we all just gave up our kids because it was a "mistake"..

I was hoping that reading through your post that I would find some kind of compassion that you have but all I can see is that you are blaming one person and not showing any type of compassion for a child that did not ask to be put in this situation.

I can't phantom anyone ever raising a child calling a child a mistake. Maybe I am not reading what you wrote in a unbiased light, but to me, that child stands no chance with you ever loving him based on the fact you think he is a mistake. I just can't understand how anyone could hate a child, because they were born...

I just feel sad for the child in this situation... That is all I can say...