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Husband spewing put downs about my oldest son

Here's my story's picture

I'll try to keep this as short as I can...

Here's the background - Husband and I have been on and off since the 90's, we got married he brought in his daughter, I brought in my son, then we made 2 more kids together.  First divorce was because of SD having mini wife syndrome.  Fast forward, SD is out on her own, husband and I get back together, my oldest son leaves the nest; so it's just the nuclear family left.  As adults SD and I try again at a relationship, but It didn't work out.  I have been estranged from her for 4 years.  My son, despite having some differences with husband, have generally a good relationship.

Husband and I had a few blow-outs over SD and I not having a relationship (the home is mine, so I don't want SD in my "safe haven".  We tried meeting at a restaurant so that SD and I could have some kind of connection, but SD started breaking boundaries (asking me if she could come over my house, etc.), so eventually we went no contact.

Husband occasionally, will talk about or critizise my oldest son and his live in girlfriend.  For the few weeks however, husband has been really extra in critizising him (he does this in front of me and our 2 bio's).  Even the bio's noticed it and said something about husband talking sh@t about oldest son.  Husband and I got into a fight yesterday, because he started his critizising early, and we were going to meet oldest son's girlfriend's parents at a restaurant (things are getting serious between them).  As soon as husband started, I said to him "can we just not be so negative today"?  Well, it kept escalating and I repeated to husband several times "why are you being so negative and petty"? as husband would say childlish things like "I bet stepson, didn't make reservations".  "Hopefully girlfriend's parents are not so needy like her",  "I bet ya oldest son is not here yet".

So we meet the parents, I thought they were very nice people and I felt we had a good time meeting each other.  When we leave the restaurant,  husband strarted his negative comments and I lost it.... I called it out to husband.  We're not talking and he is gaslighting me with "what did I say wrong?"  The kicker is that oldest son doesn't know how husband has been sh@ting on him.  Oldest son treats husband with respect calls him "Dad", etc.

I am furious, and don't want to do anything impulsive, but it pisses me off how two faced is husband with oldest son.  I don't know if I should tell oldest son the truth, or leave the blinds on him.  And I know I need to do some serious soul searching, because even though oldest son doesn't live with us, he is my son, and he's been a good son to me and husband.  I don't like the person that husband has become.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

lieutenant_dad's picture

It's hard to give advice because you're looking at your son through your Mom vision while your DH is looking at him through Stepdad vision. Just as there are things that your SD did/does that drives you bonkers but your DH doesn't notice or it doesn't bother him, there will be things your son does that doesnt bother you but gets under your DH's skin.

Now, I'm not saying that if this is the case that your DH is handling it correctly. He has no obligation to like or interact with your son no matter how much your son shows him respect or calls him "Dad". If they have differences of opinion or in values, it's entirely possible that your DH just doesnt like your son, and that's okay.

What isn't okay is talking sh*t behind son's back and then playing nice to him in person. If your DH doesn't like your son, fine. He can keep his opinions to himself about him (assuming you do the same about SD) and be polite if/when he decides to interact with him. If he doesn't like being called Dad then he needs to tell your son that.

My guess is that your DH is pissy that you don't have a relationship with his daughter and is trying desperately to find any flaw he can in your son to make himself feel better or to even the playing field. Even if he has genuine issues with your son, he doesn't have to be an arse about it to you (unless you write off poor behavior by your son and your DH is fed up with being gaslit by you).

So time for the Frank conversation: why is he so upset and what does he see as the solution because the current arrangement of him belittling your son in private but kissing his rear in public has to stop. If your DH doesn't want to play Stepdad/Bonus Dad anymore, so be it. New boundaries can be established. If he is just playing tit-for-tat and has no desire to set new boundaries or talk through this, then you need to decide what your next steps will be.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then plainly tell him to stop:

"DH, stop saying sh*tty things about my son to me. If you don't like him, you don't have to have a relationships with him. I'm fine with that. He'll eventually be fine with that. But I'm done hearing it. Unless you have an actual concern, or he does something to you that I need to be aware of, keep your opinions to yourself or share with a therapist. I'm not it."

Then stop inviting him to things with your son. Also make sure that you adhere to the same boundary and don't say things about his daughter. If he calls you on it:

"You're right, DH, I have said some sh*tty things about SD before. I now see I was wrong and apologize for making you uncomfortable. Going forward, I'll refrain from speaking negatively about her and will only interact with her when I feel I can be appropriately civil."

Survivingstephell's picture

I'm going to take a stab at this and suggest this is a fight about something else, the elephant in the room: SD.  He's so upset how she turned out and that you won't eat her $hitsandwiches that he has taken to being negative about your son.  I would name this for what it's really about and stop him there.  "DH, I'm tired of this same argument that has no basis. This really about your feelings over the situation with SD.  I get it that you're upset over it but SHE made her bed and this is on her.  I  Will not tolerate your badmouthing BS anymore and especially in front of the bios.  We divorced once over SD and her behaviors, are you looking for a repeat?  ".  I'd be at the end of my rope in your situation and play a bit brutal.   

Here's my story's picture

Survivingstephell,  yes that crossed my mind too.  Either way it's not fair to me or my oldest son. 

Rags's picture

Print it up, hand it to DH.  Make it long and comprehensive.  Then as kDH if he wants that list to go to your DS letting DH know if he so much as sqeeks a single criticism going forward the list goes to your adult DS and DH can explain to DS why DH is such a vindictive, immature, POS.

Preface that conversation with DH with "This is what you said that was wrong. Grow up, man up, or GTF ouf of my life and the lives of all of MY children for good.You obviously did not learn a thing from the first time I fired you as my DH."

smh