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How to protect bio children?

atiredstepmom's picture

One of my stepdaughters is almost 13 and has been a challenge for a few years now. She's in counseling, but things have escalated to the point where she is verbally abusing our youngest daughter who is 5. She says awful things to her and calls her names (most often the B-word) and even hits her sometimes. 

I grew up in a dysfunctional home and my priority has always  been to ensure my two biochildren don't live in dysfunction so part of me wants to say she shouldn't come here anymore unless she can stop abusing my youngest. At the same time, I struggle with writing her off in that way. To add to that, it's also a battle to get her to visit anyway because she fights to stay at her mom's..so this would be giving her her way in a sense too.

I just feel the need to protect my little one but I don't know how to do it.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Are they biologically related? If your SO is the father of both girls, he needs to help you figure out a way to keep the youngest safe. If he is not the father of the 5 year old, you need to take whatever steps are necessary to keep her safe - whether that means the SD13 does not visit at your house or you and your kids move out.

Evil4's picture

Oh fuuuuuck no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I grew up in an abusive environment and the failure of the adults around me to protect me was far more damaging than the abuse itself. Stop offering your bio on the altar of sacrifice to satanic spawn and ban that abusive bitch from your house before the sun sets today. If your SO doesn't like it he can GTFO!

Don't even think about writing off that abusive piece of shit. She's lucky she hasn't hit my DD. There would be major hell to pay and I'd be sitting in a jail cell right now. No fucking way I would contravene my number one job in the world: protect my bio at all costs even if it means dying for her. That's what we mothers do. We push our babies out of the way of speeding trucks and take bullets ourselves. We do not sacrifice our kids' physical well-being over some other woman's brat. Your bio deserves to live without fear and not be hit regularly. If you keep in mind that ridiculous fear of writing off someone who is a loathesome sack of shit, you will be selling out your own DD and she will grow up and hate your guts for selling her out for a brat that's not even biologically related to you. I'm 55, almost 56 and still in and out of therapy because being sold out teaches a person that they're not worth protecting and that they are way below everyone else. Declare right this minute that that abuser will never darken your doorstep again. 

If your marriage fails because of it, oh well. This is one case where I say banning is not only appropriate, but necessary. This is one case where a child (your bio) comes before your spouse. If he fails to protect ALL children in the house, he needs to GTFO. I've seen intact families ban an abusive kid from the home for the sake of protecting the other kids. Why Sparents are expected to accept such bullshit is beyond me.

Sorry for sounding so salty but I've suffered so much damage from being in your DD's shoes and having my parents fail me over someone who wasn't even theirs. I cannot even begin to tell you how damaging that is. Your post triggered me. I'm speaking as the grown up version of your DD.

SteppedOut's picture

Every little bit of this. 

Your #1 job as a parent is to keep your children safe. Right now, you are not doing that. 

Sorry if that seems harsh, but sometimes when things are "minimized" by others, you start to question your instincts. I think you must be in that situation, because your claws should be fully extended at this point. SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I just feel the need to protect my little one but I don't know how to do it.

You LEAVE with your little ones. Their safety and well-being are your first priority.

Or your H can visit with his violent child elsewhere. NOT in your home.

IDontCare3117's picture

Let your SD stay with her BM, your DH/SO can visit her outside of your home.  It's time to draw a line in the sand when one, much older child is verbally or physically abusing another child.  

tog redux's picture

I agree that it's fine to ask your DH to take any visitation elsewhere to protect your daughter. As someone who was bullied by my (bio) siblings, I can tell you, it scars you for life.  I'm 55 and still trying to figure out how to get along with them and address the way I feel they treat me at times.

atiredstepmom's picture

Just to clarify, DH is father to both girls. I think he's at the end of his rope with SD12 as well as he has been allowing her to stay with her mom more and more often. I have an SD15 who has chosen not to visit unless her mom comes too (we are at a good place with DH's ex) and I see the same happening with SD12. I also have a SD17 who chose to live with us four years ago.

Rags's picture

If you do not solve the issue, you are serving your youngest up to SD as her victim.  That.... will be on you. 

Protect your daughter. PERIOD!

Your DH's parental failures with his prior failed family progeny should not jeopardize your child's well being.