How to manage step daughter who is bullying and has decided she doesn't like me
Hi all, I have a lovely partner and have been living with him for 2 years. His daughters are 7 and 9 and live with us for 5 days of the fortnight. The youngest one has not had difficulty accepting me and is inclusive and generally we have a nice attachment. But the older one I find so difficult and have started to not like her and generally feel a little panicky at times around her and insecure. Are concerned that things are getting worse and not better and that it is going to be an ongoing nightmare. She tells me she hates me/doesn't like me/ doesn't care about hurting my feelings. Told me the other morning her Dad is going to reject me one day. Over weekend with cousins and family members taunted me all weekend in guise of play e.g. hit me in back with gumboots on white wool coat and said she was playing/ that I shouldn't wear that coat in the country, sung song under breath that I am a poo/ that "K's birthday is cancelled this year, nah just kidding", calls me a nickname she knows I hate, puts down how I pronounce things. Ignores me, won't say hi when arrives, won't sit next to me at table. In short does what she can to assert power/ undermine and generally be unkind. Her father doesn't like it either and can see there is a problem but feels a little powerless to stop it, has tried talking with her but it doesn't seem to help. She often does these things more when he is not in the room, or he could be in the room but does't notice (he can be quite absent minded at times). Any suggestions on how to handle this? It is pretty unpleasant..
There's nothing lovely about
There's nothing lovely about a man who allows the woman he claims to love to be treated that way.
Why haven't you done anything about the way the brat is behaving?
Just look her in the eye and
Just look her in the eye and say "I don't like people who act like you are acting - now go away little girl." Then ignore her for the rest of the day. Sounds like she is just dying for attention.
We actually have done one
We actually have done one parenting class and have tried to tackle it in different ways. Essentially she is a very entitled and spoilt child and doesn't have much empathy. Her mother has completely over indulged her and she hasn't had boundaries there, she is totally into her mum and sadly we don't have all that much influence. We try to put boundaries on but she is fairly manipulating. I said my partner is lovely to demonstrate that it is otherwise a happy relationship, he is not trying to allow anything. Its more a question of how to handle it. When I have gotten angry at her it appears to make it worse, she just smiles in smug manner. I think I should make a comment telling her it is not okay then speak with her Dad if he is out of the room and ask him to talk with her outside
When you have a dog that
When you have a dog that jumps on people, you train them by turning your back and not giving them any attention. This girl is most likely holding strong allegiance to BM and is striking out at you. I would ignore the comments and underbreath singing. Practice saying things like "OooooKayyyy" then turn back and ignore her. She is liable to stop if she doesn't get the reaction she wants. If DH is in earshot, HE should give her a direct punishment for insubordination.
For physical acts and more serious actions, she gets to go to to some version of timeout. If she has a friend/cousin over, that parent is called to pick up their child immediately.
I would as much as possible make DH the punsishment hander outer. You get to sit there and watch as he parents his child and teaches her that she must respect you.
Jasper, that's exactly how I
Jasper, that's exactly how I trained my now-100 lb. dog when I got him 10 years and 70 lbs ago. Broke him of the habit in less than a week.
" She tells me she hates
" She tells me she hates me/doesn't like me/ doesn't care about hurting my feelings. Told me the other morning her Dad is going to reject me one day. Over weekend with cousins and family members taunted me all weekend in guise of play e.g. hit me in back with gumboots on white wool coat and said she was playing/ that I shouldn't wear that coat in the country, sung song under breath that I am a poo/ that "K's birthday is cancelled this year, nah just kidding", calls me a nickname she knows I hate, puts down how I pronounce things. Ignores me, won't say hi when arrives, won't sit next to me at table. "
:jawdrop:
And? Please tell me you at least walked over and whispered 'you hit me like that one more time and I'll take those boots right off your feet and pitch them in a creek'.
Must admit it would have felt
Must admit it would have felt good
Each and everytime she does
Each and everytime she does it brings a consequence (1/2 hour in room, no devices or toys). If your partner supports you he will believe you. At no time does she not get a consequence. Be consistent. Also record her with your phone what she is saying and play it for partner so he sees just how bad it gets. Stand up to the bully and do not let her get away with it". Being a bully with cousin? Cousin goes home now or you leave where she is at.
You guys need to have some
You guys need to have some consequence for her rude behavior. You and her father need to BOTH lay down the law and enforce the consequence. You could maybe send her to counseling or go to family counseling.
I had this issue with a particular one of my SO's girls. We did do some family counseling which at least got everyone thinking... I do think it was worthwhile, however, I don't think it's effects have lasted just because there wasn't appropriate follow-through. I think maybe a longer duration is needed in our situation. I'm still having issues with her and her dad would rather not hear about it when his "angel" does anything wrong, so I really don't feel much support, and I guess over-all, it didn't work for me. It sounds like maybe counseling could work for you guys, though, since you seem to have support.
I read this post after
I read this post after following a link TO it,
Outlawsteps4evuh (how ever your name is spelled), calling a child the C word is beyond wrong.
The kicking part...while
The kicking part...while "playing", I would have turned around and said, "OH you are just PLAYING? Well, you keep involving me so you must want ME to play TOO!! MY TURN TO KICK!!!!!!!!!!"
Of course, I am not saying you need to place any hands/feet on her but if she won't respect you, at least she can fear you! Right now you are teaching her that she is in control by allowing her behavior unchecked. If you act hurt or wounded, then you turn yourself into the victim. Nothing bullies love more than having victims. Take back your (adult) power.
She is a jealous, angry,
She is a jealous, angry, bitter little girl and she needs some serious counselling.
Her issue is not with you, she just thinks it is. She is jealous of the relationship you have with her father and her real problem is that. She is hurt and feeling rejected, and lashing out at the source of what she feels is the cause of it all
Keep this in mind, but, you do not have to take her abuse either.
It is very sad that any child is feeling this hurt and rejected, and she needs to receive help in dealing with her feelings including that her behaviour is not acceptable, and she can not lash out in this matter and deal with things this way
You need to completely detach from her, her father needs to get her some help. She needs reassurance in her relationship with her father, but she also needs help in modifying her behavior and how she responds to feelings of insecurity
And for you, I'm sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what it's like to be the target of a jealous, angry, revengeful SD and it truly is not fun. It is always a toss up between feeling bad for what they are going through and knowing they're struggling, and at that same time putting up boundaries on the amount of abuse they will subject you to if you allow it