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How do you tell In-laws- Cousins, etc Stop the ex talk?

NoBigDeal's picture

How do you tell your cousins,  or skid . Or  Adult kids  or mother in laws this?

Stop "TELLING ME ABOUT MY EX"!!!!!

I dont want to keep hearing they this OR  that.  That's WHY WE ARE DIVORCED!!!!!!!

Please "Out of Respect for my (New Life) stop funneling  ex this ex that.  

My DH has such a big heart he thinks that's cruel to say to his kids.   Stop telling  me about your drunk mother.     

 I'd like some tactful words here.  Like dh.........could you say (_____________) to your kids about stop the mom this mom that. This is going to be a struggle  for him to say but hes got to. 

(Cousin___________). Please stop informing me about  ex.this ex that.

I know I'm not the only one who gets aggravated about this.  

 

 

Winterglow's picture

For the cousin, it shouldn't be too difficult "I don't want to hear about ex anymore. We're divorced and she is no longer relevant to my life." Every time the cousin forgets "We're divorced, remember?" It can be done without causing any ill feelings. Your stepkids OTOH ... 

Thumper's picture

Be more assertive---

I have asked you to please stop talking about my ex.  It is very hurtful to me. 

If you bring him up again,  I will be keeping my distance from you.

1. remind them what you asked of them. 2. Explain your hurt, sad, angry 3. Tell them what happens next IF they do it again. . 5. Stick to your decision to distance.

Easy peasy.

Some people dont care enough to respect your personal boundaries (wishes). So, you have to make them respect you by walking away.

When YOU decide to let it go...then you cant complain about it again. In otherwords you decided to give them permission to talk about him.

Be firm, stand firm.

 

NoBigDeal's picture

The problem is he hadn't set that BOUNDARY. 

Hes never said to anyone stop talking about  my ex.

I had to set the boundary with him to cease that in our conversations. And he did.

The  real problem is it's so vile, toxic news, horrible behavior , sad, and depressing.  News yOU WOULD NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANYONE. 

Just negativity. 

Thumper's picture

((((HUGS)))))

I am sorry. They are trying to drag you into their pit of hell.

Glad he at least respected your wishes...that is important.

SM12's picture

But with my mother.  She is a wonderful woman but ughhh I get so frustrated.   She hated my XH

from the moment we started dating.  She did not want me to marry him and was thrilled when I got a divorce.   

A shirt time after my BM was widowed she seemed to have lost her mind.  She was already friends with my XH on social media which infuriated me.  But now she was giving me constant updates about what he is posting, she would drive by his house and tell me details on who was there and what the house looked like.  I repeatedly told her to stop and I was not happy she was doing these things nor did I feel she was being loyal to me or my DH (who she adores).  
It took a few years for it to stop regardless of my protests.  The only reason it did stop was because I mentioned her doing it in front of her sisters and made it known how it made me feel.  Clearly they told her how inappropriate she was being and she stopped kind of.  She still has my former SD on social media which makes me angry but she doesn't tell me about her posts.  
 

All you can do is continue to ignore the skids. If You say something it will turn around on you. 
However, I would make a point to change the topic every time BM is mentioned .  Just ignore what the kid was saying and start a new conversation like they weren't even talking.  I would make is obvious as to what I was doing but I'm like that.  You could try to be subtle but that most likely won't work.

Rags's picture

As sad as it is, public humiliation is an effective behavioral modification tool.  You bared your mom's ass to her sister and her sister set her straight where she refused to hear the message from you.

Well played.

Clapping

Thefatherismyfamily's picture

We went through this in the beginning. DH sent an email to everyone to never mention his ex again. Then he sat both kids down and said do not mention your mother again. I've moved on. They haven't done it since.