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How do you fix the mini-wife issue and have a healthy marriage?

slkastep's picture

Hello everyone, I'm new to the site and not really sure where I should post this, but could use some advice or even just some words from someone going through something similar...so I don't feel so crazy.  I've been married for 2 years, blended with 3 kids.  My daughter is 14, and is with us all the time, except every other weekend.  My SD, 14, and SS, 16, are on a 2/2/3 schedule, 50% custody.  We never go more than 2 or 3 days without seeing them.  My daughter is very independent, always on the phone with her friends, and my SS is also very independent.  Not the case with my SD.  She is up her dad's butt all the time.  When she is home, she is in whatever room he is in.  Always, except if she is doing her homework or taking a shower.  She follows him around the house, and is involved in whatever he is doing.  If he cooks, she cooks with him.  If he cleans, she cleans.  If he mows the lawn, so does she.  If he wants to go for a walk, she goes.  She even asks him to work out with her....They will actually do situps and pushups together.  When he leaves, she waits at the door for him to come home.  She will call if we leave and ask when we're coming home.  She used to have a really bad attitude towards me, but he talked to her about it.  And I  must admit, that she's been very sweet to me lately.  And I do appreciate her efforts to change her attitude.  I do love my stepkids, and I think it's great that they are so close, but it is difficult to deal with, and their relationship almost seems to make it harder for us to get closer as a married couple.  I realize that I may come across as immature, and maybe I am, but I wonder if others feel the same way?  It's like because she basically follows him everywhere he goes, she gets all the good conversation that I miss out on.  I love my hubby, but I'm not gonna follow him around the house like a puppy dog like she does.  It's like I'm the 3rd or 4th wheel everytime they come home.  I can't spend any alone time with him because she's always there.  I've talked to him about it, but he said, "What do you want me to do, tell her to go away?"  That seems harsh, but yeah, kind of...I can't only be his wife half the time.  And because she is always by his side, they are always making plans together, and sometimes my stepson, too.  It feels like I'm always the last to know.  He is always saying "WE" referring to the three of them, are going to do this or that...do you want to come?  Like I'm an afterthought.  And they do "couple" type things together all the time...Like fixing things around the house, putting up the swimming pool, painting, making dinner, going to the grocery store.  I can't even explain it really.  It's almost like she's the wife.   For example... Over dinner, SD tells me that her and Dad were discussing some renovations they could make to the backyard, and what did I think about it.  I don't get it.  I thought teenagers wanted to be alone most of the time.  I know that when I was 14, I didn't like hanging with  my dad very much at all.  I wanted to be with my friends.  Thoughts anyone?  I'd really appreciate some advice or just words of encouragement that I don't sound like a complete nutjob.

Update:  We had another argument about this last night.  He says he sees it as an issue, but I don't think he really truly does...I have a suspicion that he's just agreeing with me because he does't want to argue.  He told me that I need to tell his daughter...I said if you really do think it's a problem, then wouldn't you want to talk to her to fix it.  Why is he trying to put it on me to fix?

slkastep's picture

Also, he admitted that she is up his butt and that she follows him everywhere he goes.  So he IS aware of her behavior.

GoingWicked's picture

I think she's insecure.  I would just put some boundaries in place.  I wouldn't let their plans override or interfere with what I am doing, and DH would be responsible for everything he's agreed to with her.  Have an earlier bedtime (maybe not necessarily bed, but in rooms, doing something quiet), so you all can have couples time in the evenings, and have your DH make that time a priority.

tog redux's picture

HE needs to tell her to stop, he's the parent and he's the one she's following. He wants you to tell her because he's afraid of his kids getting mad at him, like so many of these wimpy fathers.

I Need A Bubble Bath's picture

She is insecure and he is trying to be super dad. 

He needs to establish boundaries otherwise you just look jealous. You are married and need adult time with DH. He needs to respect a that and establish healthy boundaries with his daughter so you and him can have the time you need to build a lasting marriage. 

We went through something similar with SS bing up dad's butt - hopefully since our DH aknowledges the issue you won't have the same problem I had. DH accused me of being jealous of his relationship with his son, so I removed myself from the picture anytime SS was acting that way. I refused to have any adult conversation - if he iniated it I told him he needed wait until the children were in bed. If he wanted lovey dovy time I was tired - told him didn't want his left-overs at 10pm every night when I had to get up early for work. A lady needs a fun before the romp, ya know! I started watching TV in the other room...not interestedin watching PG13 movies every night. And so on... it only took about 3 weeks for him to start getting annoyed at SS and telling him to find somthing else to do. He came to realize I was actually a buffer and a distraction. He has now set healthy boundaries and both are behaving much better.