You are here

How do you feel about family...

Biostep7777's picture

Long story short. I have family coming in for a visit on DH's custody time. HCBM is livid because she also had family visiting and told DH he should let her have the kids because "they have no ties to my family, we are not their family, they should get to spend time with their own family, and DH needs to make their kids the priority before us" 

My family has welcomed these kids with open arms. My niece and nephew call them their cousins. HCBM is obviously teaching their kids that we are NOT their family therefore her family is more important. 
What do you think? 

tog redux's picture

My nieces welcomed SS and treated him like a cousin, my parents were nice to him.  Now though, since he was alienated for years, he hasn't seen DH's family for probably 6-7 years. When he saw mine again (mine are local, DH's are not), they were pretty indifferent to him, he's been gone forever and they are all adults now. He missed out.

I don't think SS ever thought of my family as his, nor did they think of him as theirs. Clearly he barely thinks of DH's family as his - but BM's sure is his family.  BUT, it's your custody time and no way should you give it to BM. Ignore her.

skell76's picture

If BM wants time with her family the answer is always "We have plans on my parenting time" She doesn't need to know the why's behind any of it. Less is more for these HCBM.  

We are going on vacation in a week and a half and SD still doesn't know because if she knows she'll chat about it (excited she's 6) and her mom will get amped up and her anxiety will get the best of her and blow us up.  So we keep everything under wraps until we have to inform "we are traveling X dates" and we tell her day of. 

Editing to add: we are family, blended.  My girls are loved by my inlaws and vice versa.  There is no separation due to "blood"

CastleJJ's picture

Keep your custody time, visit with your family, and let BM throw a tantrum. BM can pack sand if she is angry and she can plan for skids to visit her family during her own damn parenting time. BM's anger has very little to do with your family visiting and interfering with her family visit. In reality, BM is mad that DH is fighting her on this, not giving BM what she wants, and that her PAS isn't working. These HCBMs are also super insecure about skids loving anyone more than them, hence the PAS and HC behavior. Let BM be insecure and meltdown. This is called an extinction burst. 

Don't let BM make you believe that your family is not relevant or important in this dynamic. Our BM tried to make it clear to DH early on that my family was nothing to SS. DH shut that down real quick telling BM that my family is DH's family and therefore SS' family by extension, regardless if there is blood relation or not. He also made it clear that SS' relationship with DH's family or my family is none of BM's business. It's ironic because BM has lots of non-related friends and friend's parents who are "Aunt/Uncle/Grandma/Grandpa" to SS, so her point was mute. My SS really enjoys spending time with my family and we are so thankful for that. 

advice.only2's picture

Meth Mouth and GrandHag both let Spawn know me, BS and BD were not her family...eye roll.  Even with BD being her half sister.  In those cows minds the only "family" that mattered was them.  So now that's all Spawn has, I'm sure she's super happy with choosing them. 

justmakingthebest's picture

BM here always says that SS's family on DH's side doesn't matter. Those are his actual blood relatives. SS has been trained to call his 1/2 bro and sister by his mom "Brother and Sister", but the 1/2 brother he shares through DH is only a 1/2 brother. My family is absolutely nothing to him according to BM even though they have gone out of their way to make him feel like family only to be crapped on. 

My advice- tell BM to shove it. She should have planned better with her family. That is your DH's parenting time- end of statement. 

Biostep7777's picture

It just really upsets me that she states we are not their family. Her brother adopted a child. Is that child also not their family because they are not blood related? They and my kids called each other step siblings right away untimely BM told them they weren't allowed to. She's so awful! So jealous. Sk petty! My kids have a stepmom. They LOVE her family. That is THEIR FAMILY!!! I 100% support that. I love that they just have more people to love. Why would any mother not want that for their kids?? The kids are completely alienated and there's nothing we can do. Nothing 

Biostep7777's picture

I guess my point it if the kids really don't consider is family, they really don't like us like she says, the really want nothing to do with us and they rather be with her and her family, shouldn't we just let them go?? DH keeps fighting for these kids that according to her they just truly don't like us. They talk bad about us to her but they seem to enjoy being with us. It's very confusing. We don't care about her opinion. We do care about what is going on with the kids though. 

Mamabearof3's picture

The kids need you to be stable. She's not being stable. They mite go through phases of being rude to you guys because mom is making them be. But in the end they'll appreciate the stability you all offered her. The kids go to your home on their allotted weekends no matter what they're doing. It's none of her business anyways. Just stop telling Skids what you have planned. That way BM can't stress them with questions and pressure. 

Winterglow's picture

That bm is throwing a hissy fit about family is totally irrelevant. This is your dh's time and bm's opinion is of no importance. That is all. 

Biostep7777's picture

Well except that she tells the kids this crap and gets them all pissed off then we have to deal with that aftermath. 

tog redux's picture

Then DH should talk to them about it again. I'm pretty sure my SS doesn't consider me family, so what? I'm still his father's wife and he treats me well. 
 

BM is projecting her own crap onto the kids. 

CastleJJ's picture

"I guess my point it if the kids really don't consider is family, they really don't like us like she says..."

"DH keeps fighting for these kids that according to her they just truly don't like us."

How do you know that skids don't consider you to be family or don't like you? Have skids said this to your face or have you only heard it via email from the toxic mouth of BM? Are you truly going to believe the words of a master manipulator/liar to be true? I sure as hell wouldn't. When DH exploded and told skids everything about your BM's PAS, it seemed to me that they were pretty emotional and open to the conversation and they even apologized to DH. That to me, does not seem like the response of someone who hates you or DH. It seems like a response of kids who are traumatized and put in the middle thanks to BM.

As someone who has been through PAS for long enough, I have learned to take BM's statements with a grain of salt. Our BM loves to play the "SS is so devastated that he has to miss football to be with you for CO visitation" or "SS is really upset about falling behind his peers in sports because you wont let him stay with me to attend practices." Guess what, SS has never once said anything about being upset about missing football, even when asked directly. SS has even told DH that he doesn't like football all that much... So I am supposed to believe the words of our crazy HCBM over my SS, when BM has an agenda against DH and I and SS doesn't. I don't think so! 

Don't let BM write the narrative for you. DH needs to be having honest check-ins with skids and taking their responses as truth, not BMs. 

tog redux's picture

I agree, 100%. This is how BM psychologically abuses people. See how it's working on you? Imagine how easy it is to convince her children, who love her and fear losing her, that your family isn't their family.  It takes a strong kid to see through that, and most kids can't, at least not right away and while they are in the middle of it.

The bottom line is that you made plans ON YOUR TIME, and BM wants to take that away from you because she's jealous and threatened.  She had many other dates she could have chosen, on HER TIME, for her family to come visit, and she chose that one, because she knew the kids would want to be there and it would make them upset with you if you didn't allow it.

Don't let it happen - and DH can tell the kids that he's confused why BM chose the same week that you guys already had plans?

Biostep7777's picture

Because we have seen it in their texts to her. They have screamed at DH that "they don't  have to be here" they are mean as hell to us 1/2 the time, they don't call us family, they don't bother with us most of the time, they thrust temper tantrums over everything (yes even at their age) I mean it's obvious. DH is in denial. 

CastleJJ's picture

I wouldn't consider the texts skids send to BM to be an accurate reflection of the truth. Skids are likely telling BM what she wants to hear. 

Only take what skids say/show you as truth. If skids are shit to you or tell you that they don't like you or you aren't their family, then you can take that at face value. If that is the case, it is up to your DH to mediate that situation and set some ground rules about respect. If they refuse, DH needs to consider dropping rope or risk losing his marriage. Something will have to give. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why are you believing her? The woman has a history of lying. Why do you think what she is telling you now is the truth? Even if the kids have said it to her, it doesn't mean it is what they really believe - they could just be telling her what she wants to hear.

How does she even know your family is coming to visit? I know it is hard, but try and keep things like that from the kids and from her until they happen. If she didn't know about it, she couldn't try and use it against you.

These are the kinds of communication your DH needs to ignore. It does not require a response and he should not give her one.

CastleJJ's picture

EXACTLY THIS. 

My SS is coming in 2 weeks for a 2 week visit. DH and I booked a weekend camping trip for all of us. We aren't telling SS until he gets here and we aren't telling BM until 24 hours before we leave like the CO states we have to do. If skids and BM don't know about it until it happens, BM can't use it against you. When DH does notify BM of the camping trip 24 hours before, he is only including the dates we will be gone and the name of the campground... That is all we are required to share per the CO. It's not like our BM goes out of her way to be forthcoming when she makes plans with SS. She waits until the 24 hour mark just because she can so why should we be overly courteous to provide the information in advance? We shouldn't and that is the point. 

BM has no reason to know why you aren't changing your agreed upon visitation. And even if she does know the reason, it is none of her damn business. Learn to keep your life private from BM and the skids. It will make it easier on you. If you keep things from BM and skids until it happens, BM can't use it against you and even if she tries, it will be irrelevant because whatever plans you had will already be over with by the time she has a reaction. 

tog redux's picture

Yep, we never told SS anything important, and didn't notify BM of any plans until SS was in our possession.

ESMOD's picture

Your definitiion of family is the only one that matters.   Look, if it's your husband's custody time.  They should be with him. period.  In some situations, it might be possible to arrange for some compromises with an EX.. but your husband's EX doesn't fall in that category.  The price of negotiating with her is more special requests.. more ways she attempts to interfere in his life.  

So, unfortunately, the reality is that him being cooperative is going to net him NOTHING.  The court is unlikely to care whether he cooperates and switches with her.. and we know how those switches work right? BM gets a weekend of her choice and wants to give him back a couple of hours some other time in exchange.. it will never be even or fair... and she has no problem throwing her kids into the mix to pile on the guilt.

The thing is that the boys are getting old enough to hear their dad tell them.  Mom and I have an agreement... I get certain custody time with you.. this is my time.. I'm sorry you will miss aunt gurtrude's visit.  Your mom knows the schedule, I don't know why they planned a visit when you were not going to be there.. that doesn't make sense.. but that was what she did.   

Sorry butddy that's the schedule.. we have tried to work out switching in the past and it just doesn't work for us.. so we are sticking to our agreement.

ndc's picture

If family is so important to BM, she should arrange for her family to visit when she has the kids.  All other things being equal, I'd prioritize the kids seeing their bio family over your family, but not in this instance.  It doesn't sound like this is the only time the cousins can/will ever visit, and BM has plenty of time when the kids are with her for them to see her family.  I suspect that if BM was a cooperative, normal person, your DH wouldn't have as much of an issue switching time with her to accommodate something like this.  My DH and BM do it all the time.  But unfortunately for BM, she's a selfish, conniving bitch and there's no way anyone in their right mind would do her any favors.  If I was your DH, I wouldn't let her have the kids during his parenting time as a matter of principle, whether or not your family was going to be there.  The skids spending time with your family instead of BM's is just a bonus.

Biostep7777's picture

See this is where I struggle because to me family is not always bio/blood. They have a cousin who is adopted. Is she less family because she's not biologically related? My niece and nephew were adopted. I can tell you that I do not love them anymore less of feel any different towards them as I do my bio nieces and nephew. I don't see that we are any less important in their lives because we are not bio related. My kids have a stepmom and call her parents their grandparents. I am 100000% supportive of this and if they were coming to visit and one of my relatives were coming to visit, I would NEVER expect their dad to give up their visit with their step family for me. And you are correct, my husband has no problem switching but she makes so much conflict, says he said things he never said, she will say she will take the kids back to us and won't, there's no way to negotiate with her. None. Me and my kid's dad switch all the time! No biggie. In fact, I honestly don't even know what we have as a parenting plan in our CO. Lol!! We just work well together coparenting for our kids. 

LittleCloud9's picture

It's your time. There's a predictable schedule, she should have planned better and told her family come on her week.

 Poor kids are probably miserable because of her manipulation. Don't believe all you hear. My ss was often told nasty things about his dad by his mom when he was younger. Now he's older and he understands she was poisoning him against his father. He admitted to me he used to go along with her because it made her happy with him, not because he felt that way. And it didn't mean he was happy with mom. He was just craving attention and love. Saying what mom wants to hear (if they really do) doesn't mean they really love mom so much. They might just be seeking some attention and love that she's not providing. Honestly it sounds like they will probably have better success filling those needs with your family. When children get real attention and affection it can really move their hearts. My family has had a big impact on ss and he has claimed them as his own now.

Ispofacto's picture

The skids have TWO parents and DH is one of them.  He is the FATHER.  His time with them is NOT visitation, it is PARENTING TIME.  Because he is their FAMILY.  What he chooses to do on his parenting time is none of BM's business.  She should plan to have her family visit on her parenting time.  It's not like the kids have a school function that cannot be rescheduled.

We live in a hard world, and I think the more people who love a child, the better.  The more positive influences, the better.  There is no harm in allowing the children to form good relationships with extended family.  BM is just possessive and jealous.  Ignore her.

 

Rags's picture

Heaven protect anyone who would tell my family that SS isn't theirs. Or would tell my SS that my family is not his family.  He has known nearly his whole life that my family is his family.  Even before he asked for me to adopt him and he took our family name.

The SpermClan attempted this particular manipulation repeatedly over the 16+ years we lived under the CO.  Nope, SS knew better than that bullshit.

The only real and involved GPs he has are my parents. The only Uncle and Aunt he has that are involved in his life are my brother and my SIL, the only close cousins he has are my brother's three kids who are the closes thing to Sibs that my SS has including his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.

To this day my SS-28 will tell anyone that his family is my family and his home is my parents home. All of their GKs give the same answer since my mom and dad's home has been the family  home base their entire lives.

Kids are smart. They know who their true family is.  

Rags's picture

Heaven protect anyone who would tell my family that SS isn't theirs. Or would tell my SS that my family is not his family.  He has known his whole life that my family is his family.  Even before he asked for me to adopt him and he took our family name.

The SpermClan attempted this particular manipulation repeatedly over the 16+ years we lived under the CO.  Nope, SS knew better than that bullshit.

The only real and involved GPs he has are my parents. The only Uncle and Aunt he has that are involved in his life are my brother and my SIL, the only close cousins he has are my brother's three kids who are the closes thing to Sibs that my SS has including his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.

To this day my SS-28 will tell anyone that his family is my family and his home is my parents home. All of their GKs give the same answer since my mom and dad's home has been the family  home base their entire lives.

Kids are smart. They know who their true family is.  

My DW was orphaned before she was born when her BioDad was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant with my DW.  My MIL and FIL married when my DW was 2mos old.  Though my DW is not his biospawn, my FIL and my DW had a far closer relationship than he had with any of his BKs.  My DW is the eldest of 4 in her family.  She and her daddy were exceptionally close.  In many ways they were far closer evne than my MIL and FIL were. The two of them connected on a far higher plane than anyone else in their nuclear family.  My DW's sibs would take extreme exception to anyone who would try to tell them that my DW is not their big sister. As part of our 20 year vow renewal celebration my DW gave my FIL adoption papers to sign for her.  It was way cool.That adoption occurred when my DW was 38.

Biostep7777's picture

Will the judge even care that she's telling DH that he should be giving up his time so the kids can be with their "actually family"?? 

Biostep7777's picture

Right so do they care about anything?? Why are we doing all this? It seems like nothing she does matters anyway! But if DH ever does one tiny mistake, he will lose his kids. Ugh!!!