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How do you emotionally separate yourself from the situation???

AFMOM's picture

I honestly know there is no good answer to this question. My question is some ways you guys/gals help separate yourself from all the drama?

I got so emotionally tied up when the BM calls, texts while raising H***. She always tells my SO that it's all b/c of me and this that and the other. I see it as him giving in her her and not backing me, but he sees it as not caring and not arguing with her over something that is ridiculous. She ruins my days. I spend hours of just wanting to cry, and looking for answers I know I cannot find. I guess I am more looking for answers on how to make this better? Will it ever get better? Are there any ways to make me not feel this way? I feel emotionally beat up, and that is why I have verbally said I offically give up. But emotionally, I just want her to not be in the back of my head all the time...

(Background: Married for 9 years. SD is 11. Have 2 DD with my SO)

emotionaly beat up's picture

He is a man, it is in his DNA to be lazy about these type of things and then you have the added problem that they are afraid BM will stop them from seeing their kids, or turn their kids against them.

Will it ever end, well probably not, if the kids are young, you will have years of BM and her nonsense if this is the kind of person she is, and when the kids get older, then they do the dirty work themselves, so either way, you cop the brunt of the drama.

I can only say this to you, removing yourself emotionally is probably almost impossible as long as you are emotionally invested in SO.

You are going to have to work this out for yourself. You need to look long and hard at this situation, and ask yourself some tough questions, and be honest in your answers.

If SO is ignoring your feelings on this now, then he's not magically going to change in 10 years time, he is always going to ignore your feelings, until you put your foot down and demand some common ground. He needs to discuss young children with her, and you need to let that happen. But he does not need to be doing this on a daily basis unless of course there is some sort of illness or emergency.

Taking a step back from BM & SD is a good start for you, but the real problem is how DH is handling the issues with BM. Can you quietly discuss this with him, or does it turn into a full blown arguement. If you are able to find some common ground it may help.

This girl will not just disappear out of your life when she turns 18. My husbands daughter was still causing huge problems at 30 and he was letting her. I finally banned her from my home just on a year ago, and yes till this day I still find her in my mind at times. I just have to realise everytime she is in my mind, I need to push her right back out of it and stop thinking of her. Constantly going over it all in your head only serves to make things worse. So, I can only suggest as soon as you realise what you are doing, force yourself to think of something else.

No one can make this better for you unfortunately, you have control over your mind, so push her out as soon as you realise she is in there.

This site is good for venting and getting out some of the hurt, frustration and anger, so use it. If you are writing it down on here it is good therapy for you and this in time may help you also.

It is highly likely that SD will become worse as she gets older, so it really is important for you and DH to set the boundaries NOW and for both of you to treat her as you do your own BD's. If he treats her differently because she is a child of divorce, or because he doesn't have her all the time, you are in dangerous territory, my best advice to you is try to talk to DH. It doesn't have to be today, but it does have to be done. I sincerely wish you all the very best. I understand how awful this is.

AFMOM's picture

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I am so dreading the day that she is a full blown teenager, cause I know she will be a spitting image of her mother, and that scares me. I just hope she really takes what we have tried to teach her, and atleast have that in the back of her mind.

Taking a step back took me 9 years, and it was hard to do. DH does not handle issues, and that is a big problem. He is one of those that if you ignore it long enough, it will go away. I am the total opposite. I worry about it so much, that I almost have everything mapped out, which is bad too. If I try to talk to him, he gets mad. He says it's the same sh** over and over. He never gives me any feedback, he just says STOP!!! Our common ground on her is just me leave him alone. But the BM is really really bothering me in my mind.

This is a little off the beaten path, but it's so bad that he doesn't want to lay with me. He doesn't want to hug me. He doesn't sleep with me. I know he is thinking about how much this is stupid, and he knows I am worried about it, but I can't talk to him. He just pulls more and more away from me, and honestly, I don't know how much further he can get.

I am hoping this site can give me some sort of insite of other ways to make this better, I am just so worried. My spouse has become my roommate more than my husband. My mom said it is just a phase that everyone goes through it and we are right on schedule - Early 30s.

emotionaly beat up's picture

Oh I see you have my husband.

This is not helpful but we are in our sixties and my husband still sticks his head in the sand. He too thinks the best way to handle a problem is to ignore it. It appears he has always fine this. He to would fire up whenever I tried to explain my feelings in regards to how his daughter was treating me.

This is not advice I am just telling you what happened to change things here. Things got so bad with his daughter and he never dealt with it. It finally got to the point when I told her never to come here again I told my husband to go with get. I had finally reached the point whereby my health and sanity were more important to me than hanging onto a man who put his relationship with his daughter first last and foremost. I was ready to end the marriage.

Unfortunately reaching that point took 8 years and 8 years of hell at that.

My husband knows I am not afraid of him leaving me. He has lost that power over me. That was his pull me into line chip and I destroyed it.

I have a feeling your husband is not going to change. Perhaps counseling for yourself if he won't go may be helpful.

You are too young to be suffering this. I am so sorry. Please do not allow yourself to be bullied or manipulated by your DH into living a life of submission. If his way or the highway. Your husband withdrawing his affection could be for many reasons. But it could be to make you give in and leave him alone to do whatever BM wants. SD's often pull this crap on their fathers when daddy won't give them what they want. They stop speaking to daddy they refuse to answer his calls. Don't acknowledge his birthday Christmas or Father's Day. It is emotional blackmail.