How do I evict crazy BM from my headspace?
Crazy BM.
See my latest blog for details. But basically I feel like she's treating me and my son like we're some kind of threat to the mental health and wellbeing of her kids (in fact her latest email was titled "Kids' health and wellbeing").
I am fuming. I have bent over backwards (with support of my SO - he's been awesome!) to make his kids welcome in my home and feel loved and part of the family. I really don't have a problem with the kids, but she is saying that OSS12 doesn't feel listened to and doesn't want to come here anymore because he doesn't feel special or 'enough' or something. I don't actually believe that OSS has said this of his own free will. He is very affectionate with me. Tells me he misses me. Of course he then runs off and spends loads of time with BS11 - but hey, we all know adults are boring. So I know it's not a BS11 issue. I do wonder if he's feeling a bit sad that my SO spends WAAAAY more time with BS11 than he does with his own children. That's a legitimate way to feel. But that's not what she's saying.
All this kicked off after she complained that things were 'too good' in our household and that OSS12 was talking too much about how great things were. I know she is crazy. I know she is emotionally abusive. She was to my SO and she is to SSs. So I know what she sends in the email is designed to put us on edge and I shouldn't let it. But dang, it has knocked me for a loop and my SO is beside himself. He's a dang wreck right now.
How do I get that crazy b*** out of my head. And how do I make sure that the legitimate anger I have with her doesn't spill over into my relationship with SSs? It is not their fault they have a crazy mom. I don't blame them for bending to her and walking on eggshells - she rages! But I also don't want this negativity in my household.
If you don't believe that OSS
If you don't believe that OSS really feels that way, I would not worry about what crap BM makes up. She does it to make herself feel better.
It's hard at first, because it is SO infuriating, but there is nothing you can do about it, just keep on doing what you are doing with the SSs.
I never held anything against my SD... UNTIL she was older and she was making the choice to believe the stuff that BM put into her head and making the choice to lie, herself.
You have to remember that BM has issues and to not let yourself get caught up in that. It's a waste of energy and a waste of time thinking about it. Letting it affect you, or your relationship with your steps, is giving her what she wants.
Years ago, when SD was about 12, she became very jealous of our niece (my sister's daughter, who DH and I watched a lot). BM told everybody who would listen that niece was really DH's kid and that's why he treated her so much better than SD. He didn't treat niece better, he treated her differently because she was a baby. I guess at 12, SD still wanted him to change her diaper.
Anyway, crap like that, I learned to laugh off. DH had the appropriate talk with SD, but there was nothing we could do about BM and her mouth or her mentality.
OSS is a people pleaser...to
OSS is a people pleaser...to an excessive degree. He was super, super, super polite to me when he first met me. I am incredibly thankful that excessive, over-politeness is his go to behaviour when he's anxious or unsure.
It will stand him in good stead. But it also means he's ill-equipped to deal with his mother's rages and mood swings. YSS more keeps his head down and flatters her. He is not so verebally affectionate with me, has pulled the "you're not my mother" crap when I told him to put on his shoes, etc. Err... I just said "no, I'm not but you still have to put shoes on as everyone else is waiting". I know YSS has some loyalty issues, but actually he's been settling in pretty well. He gets the short end of the stick when he comes to my house as OSS and BS are big buddies, but he seems happy just hanging out with them.
I, too, am having similar
I, too, am having similar issues. It's enough to push me to the brink of insanity. I've been trying several techniques. Though they haven't worked entirely for me, maybe they will help you.
It sounds super weird and it hasn't worked for me in these situations, but it's helped with my anxiety overall. Hopefully, it might improve your headspace.
Ha ha, I think I'm a little
Ha ha, I think I'm a little ADD or smething, I've always struggled with things like that and with intrusive thoughts. But it's worth a try.