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How do I deal with the crazy ex wife and her little minions??

lilmisspants's picture

Someone please help me, any and all advice appreciated.

My husbands ex wife is getting crazier by the day! Here's the short of it. My husband and his ex split about two years before I even met him. We have been together for three, and now married for about 9 months. When I first moved in with him, we kind of knew the ex was having some jealousy issues with it because she uprooted the kids and moved an hour away from us. Everything was pretty quiet for a while, but these last couple months have been really crazy. She has started telling the children that I am the one who destroyed their family. She says I am the reason mom and dad aren't together anymore. She tells them that once we have a baby of our own, they will no longer be allowed at our house because that's our new family. She has threatened me twice now physically, for no reason. She constantly badmouths me and the kids father to them. Two weeks ago my husband and I took the kids on vacation, and she really went nuts. She was calling them every five minutes, asking if me and my husband were fighting. She was telling the kids to try to make us fight, to give me evil death stares, to try to make me cry, etc etc. Well obviously her psychotic immature behavior is affecting the way the kids treat me. Especially the 12 year old. She keeps telling her dad in front of me, that she wishes it was just her and him there. She tries to push me out of the way when I am walking next to him. She interrupts me everytime I am trying to talk to her dad. She punched me in the eye in the pool when I was swimming with her dad, even though she claims it was an accident I know it's not. She is constantly telling her dad she is jealous of me. I am just fed up and I don't care anymore. I have tried and tried with these kids. My husband just blames the crazy ex for their behavior, and always excuses it away. I think at 12 years old, she should know it's not okay to treat an adult this way. I just honestly don't even want to be around her anymore. Not to mention the fact that she is constantly lying and manipulating, she once made up a whole story about me being "abusive" to her that wasn't even true!! I have no bonding with this kid.
Will someone please tell me if I am in the wrong here or am being immature about this? Am I crazy to think that kids should be better behaved than this?
Any advice appreciated Smile

giveitago's picture

You are NOT in the wrong! Maybe a little immature but NOT wrong. What you are doing is allowing them to get the better of you, I did the same thing and I am sure other people will tell you they felt the same way at times.
What you need to do now, it's far from easy but if a shmukk like me can do it then so can you, right? What you need to do now is to think about all of the button pushing, all the things that she says to you, and put them into perspective. The perspective being that these are NOT the words of the child but the words of her mother. The child has a misplaced sense of loyalty, which is common among kids like her. SWITCH OFF the buttons she pushes, smile and think how miserable the mother must be to try and terrorise you by PROXY! How lame she is that she cannot face you!
DH is a helpless pawn in this, seriously, his field of expertise is NOT as a mediator between you and BM or you and SD. The reality is that you have to set boundaries your own self...I had to do it too. When BM threatens you just tell her to go right ahead and do her worst. CALL HER BLUFF! Guaranteed she's all hot air. When SD behaves badly just do not dignify it, like a child having a tantrum...ignore it! Strike up a conversation on another topic with DH, while smiling, and watch his eyes light up with a new found respect for you!!
It took me a while to get where I am incidentally.

Not-the-mom's picture

It's called "parental alienation". That is what the mother is doing with the kids.

Your husband could take her to court over it, try and get custody possibly, but that would be a last resort, in my opinion.

Don't do anything with the kids. Just allow the kids to be with their father. Stay away from them.

If the BM keeps threatening you with bodily harm, call her on it!
Get a restraining order out on her.

I would suggest you keep a journal and write all these incidents down. It could come in handy in the future if you need to show documentation what happened when. Hopefully, you won't need it.

I Journal, for my own enjoyment, but I also do it to help me keep track of all the crap the stepkids and the BM have put us through.
It helps to have it written down, so I can refer back to it when the BM and the stepkids insist "That didn't happen" or "I didn't say that". Journaling also helps you see behavior patterns in others and yourself. It can help you see what is going on better, and how to counteract it in a healtheir way. It helps you stay sane.

I would advise you "step away" from the skids and the BM. It is up to your husband to deal with them, alone. Except if the BM personally threatens you, then I would not wait for your husband to act, I would take out a restraining order on her. Get it on record that she is NUTS!

lilmisspants's picture

Thanks for all of your feedback. I feel so much better knowing this is an actual issue with BM. I am looking into (PAS) and will be discussing it with my husband. I have already tried telling him I want to step back and not be around the kids, and just let him spend time with them when they are here. Yet my mother in law agreed to pick up one of the kids this weekend and drop her off here with me, because she doesn't think it's an issue. My husband is working all weekend, so I am stuck here with her by myself. Guess we will see how it goes...