how to create financial boundaries within a blended family
Hi there
Im new here and boy am I glad I found this site! Just a little background on my situation: I've been married to my wonderful DH for 1.5 yrs. He has a 7 yr old son from a previous relationship and we have a beautiful baby girl who's 4 months old. We live 8 hours away from his son so he only gets to see him about once every 2 months. His son and I get along ok...honestly I don't try to hard to like him and vice versa and I've accepted that. There were many many issues between DH and BM and I have not gotten involved in that since the beginning of our relationship, which works for us. BM and I even seem to get along because of that, which is great.
My problem is, I feel like I have resentment everytime DH spends money on SS. It seems like everytime we see SS, he wants a present. And we're not talking about a ouple of dollars here and there, I'm talking at least $50-$100 per gift per day. DH has no trouble spoiling him and I can kind of understand why. But on the other hand, we are not exactly rich and between the CS every month, the extra driving we have to do to see him, his extra curriculars (BM does not pay for any of it because she doesn"t work), I just feel my resentment building everytime we see him. BTW we have a joint accvount only.
Now to all you out there, how would you all handle this? I am thinking I would like to start having separate accounts but I had mentioned it before to DH and he didn't like that idea so much. I just feel like it would help to ease my resentment. Also how do we factor in who pays for what and how to jointly pay for DD's stuff?
right now I'm on maternity
right now I'm on maternity leave (in Canada it's paid). before the baby I was working and I make a bit more than DH and I will go back to work in 1 year.
Get separate accounts. He's a
Get separate accounts. He's a disney dad who will spend your money spoiling SS. If he doesn't like it, oh well.
Figure out how to split the bills, then extra is for the person who earned it. I will have a DS here in about 3 months. SO pays for stuff for him or I do. Just depends on who can afford it at the time.
I'd also like to add that
I'd also like to add that because DH only rarely gets to see his son, all he has to buy for him are toys. He doesn't see the everyday things that kids need. Obviously DD is just 4 months old now and needs quite a bit of baby stuff and so far I'm the only one that go out to get it. DH doesn't even know what kind of formula she drinks. I guess I'm just frustrated at the fact that he's so excited to buy stuff for his son while I'm the only one that gets things for our daughter
yes I suppose thats true. I
yes I suppose thats true. I wonder though if it was the other way around and SS was the baby, I think he would be more than willing to go out and buy him toys again.
I'm struggling with related
I'm struggling with related issues myself. Separate accounts other than for household expenses is probably the way to go for your own sake. On the positive side: you married a man who is generous to his son and that should bode well for your daughter too. Sounds like you have been so busy getting married and having a baby that you haven't fully wrapped your mind around the reality of the place your SS has in your DH's life and heart. He must feel enormous guilt at making his son go on the backburner in his life and buying gifts helps to ease that guilt.
If you pay 75 per cent of the
If you pay 75 per cent of the bills the reality is you are helping him pay off his debts and support his adult daughter and what not. Either way you cut it, you are subsidizing his and others lifestyle.
I think the only thing you
I think the only thing you should spoil a child with is time, this kid will see him as a walking wallet, of course he dos'nt like the idea of separate accounts, he will be worse off, perhaps you could say that unless this over the top spending stops then you will have your own bank account? This spending is caused by "guilt parenting", this never helps a child, discipline, security, boundaries, love and consistance do.
good advice...how do you know
good advice...how do you know how much to spend on a child is normal? Obviously I don't want him spoiling SS, and btw he doesn't have to "do" anything (such as be good during a car ride, etc.) to earn his reward. SS will normally ask for something and DH will say ok. I remember when I was growing up I had to work for my rewards, if not then I don't get anything.
good advice...how do you know
good advice...how do you know how much to spend on a child is normal? Obviously I don't want him spoiling SS, and btw he doesn't have to "do" anything (such as be good during a car ride, etc.) to earn his reward. SS will normally ask for something and DH will say ok. I remember when I was growing up I had to work for my rewards, if not then I don't get anything.
If you are in this
If you are in this relationship for the long haul I would be careful about how much you complain about him spending money on his son. He and his son will pick up on that eventually and it will cause resentment. You should discuss with him how much money you two can afford to spend a month on extras and then if it is going over it should be rediscussed. He has a strong bond with his son and that is good. He is also building that bond with your daughter now too. I would not worry too much about him not buying her stuff yet. She is young. He probably will be more excited to buy her things when she is a little older and he knows what interests her. In the meantime be happy that he has good values. I wish my ex had that. Goodluck.