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Holiday Plans

Java_Junkie's picture

It's the most wonderful time
Of the yeeeeeeeearrrrr....


DW's ex was poised to take SKids to Colorado for vacation. He has long promised to take them somewhere for vacation, but always backed out or something... This year, was to be skiing. Woohooooo!

La Nina had other plans. Sad Drought, warm temps, no skiing. Looks like the vacay is off.

DW says, "That's ok! If he doesn't have anything for you, we can all go visit family three states away!" Looks like DW and I might be bringing the SKids along on another road trip that was going to be her and me. She didn't mention it to me to gauge my feelings about it.

I'm really let down about how, AGAIN, she just blurts it out there and includes/invites other people without any discussion. It's also as if, were I to bring up her excluding me from the decisions, she'll get defensive and say stuff like, "These are GREAT kids. I just don't want them to have to sit around, bored out of their minds on their electronics at their dad's place for two weeks." I'm thinking that's all they do with us, anyway, except when it's time to eat and they whine about what is on the menu - or they only halfway listen to conversations and intentionally interrupt just to get some attention - or they bicker - and basically act like early teens. I need a vacation, too... and putting up with constant interruptions during movie night, having to listen to constant annoying UNNECESSARY noises while trying to relax, and all that... No, I need a vacation. I've earned it. Even if I just lay around the house and count the bumps on the ceiling in peace, I deserve that.

How 'bout y'all?

secret's picture


Plans are a bit up in the air... we have two dinners set in stone, one on the 23rd, one on the 25th.

I'm off from work from December 21st after work to January 8th morning... and I've already told him there is NO WAY I'm spending the ENTIRE time having to take care of kids, be it his or mine.

I'll be d@mned if I'm going to have 17 consecutive days off and every single one of them taken over by kids.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Why does lack of snow mean you get the kids? DW unilaterally decides her ex isn't getting the skids? Skiiing may not happen but that doesn't mean no trip??

I would NOT agree to having the skids. I also hate when people invite MORE people who werent originally invited because "hey, my kids must be able to come." Who says family three states over want to see these kids? Even if they are *cough* wonderful kids??

This sounds inconsiderate all round: your DW and her ex!

I am looking forward to Christmas without my husband!
Christmas with my family in the West Country - my brother spent two years with his wife restoring a 14 bedroom farm house. It is gorgeous! Sucked up just about all of their savings!! So my entire family (with no skids of mine!!) are spending Christmas there.
Two days later, my son and I hop on the train and head for Zurich - via Paris. My Son does new year with his uncle - he has two cousins around the same age and it is great for the kids to get together. I get to spend time with my first MIL. Coffee, chocolate, cuckoo clocks, and one magical trip to the philharmonic orchestra: old fashioned ball gown dress up! Smile Christmas present to myself is an early celebration of a pending divorce!

Java_Junkie's picture

She’ll do what she’ll do.

I really need to call her out on stuff like this more often. That, or when she changes, I will snap and change my plans and let her see what she thinks.

Her son associates with a kid at his school who is an absolute PITA. That kid is one of my least favorite. Hate? Eh, maybe loathe. Every time he comes over, something gets broken, something gets spilled, or he does something mean to SS. But DW thinks this kid is wunnerful. I don’t get it - he’s like Eddie Haskell, and I can’t stand him. So just in passing conversation, he’s slated to be at the house after school. No “let’s run it by Java to see what he thinks” or anything, just “when Dennis The Menace comes over Wednesday after school, do you want to blah blah...” I just cringed. I will stop off somewhere on the way home for a while so I don’t have to deal with dung-head. I REALLY loathe him and hate to see him. For the life of me, all I think is DW feels sorry for him because he’s ADD. It’s the ADD behavior that I hate, and he needs to control himself in our home.

Sorta drives me nuts.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

So because daddy doesn't have an exciting trip planned for the little shnookums then he doesn't get to spend times with them? The two weeks is for them to bond with their dad, no matter how he chooses to do it.

Java_Junkie's picture

My take, 100%. I was the Evil Divorce Filing Dad and ex did all she could to turn my kids against me. They didn't want to spend time with me. So when DW offered opportunities for SKids to duck him and come to us, I told DW that he needs to get that time. How he spends it is up to him, but they need it and he needs it. She counters with talk about how SKids say he's no fun or he's cold and rotten, but I (secretly saw, I'm sorry for that) SS's texts to/from his SMom, and they get along great. I would NEVER tell DW this. But suffice it to say, I know they all get along, even when SS and SD come back grousing about their SMom - and I've told DW that I'm sure they go to their dad's place and gripe about me - it's a loyalty thing, and IT GOES BOTH WAYS.

As steps, we never will measure up to Bios, even when we can outperform. We always were, are, and always will be SECOND FIDDLE, and the deck is stacked to keep it that way. You have to love your spouse to deal with that constant "you're not good enough" junk that SKids have for their SParents - and as a SKid, I felt the same "you're not as awesome as MY kid" junk, which was really rough (and why I avoid that).

If I could just get the SKids to realize how much I do for them, that'd be great... but I know they would just shrug off the news. Just the other day, SS was asking DW about the house they used to live in (nice but modest) compared to the current house and how he figured they were about the same value because she's not making a lot more money than she was just 2 years ago. Clearly, my paying the mortgage wasn't even on his mind, and she didn't point it out. I suppose he thinks I'm just sponging off of her? I get zero credit for my contributions. I oftentimes feel like they don't want to acknowledge how much I matter...

futurobrillante99's picture

I would seriously rather miss a trip from hell and be disappointed that there was NO trip. If you can get her to take the kids on her own and you get to stay home in your empty house, that's even better!!

Quick story, shortly after we got married, I was talking to DH about how we could go on a real honeymoon to Ireland the follow summer for our first anniversary since I would be selling my house and we'd be sharing expenses. He said he'd RATHER rent one of those big houses at the shore for a week and have the kids down (his 4 sons), OH, and my kids could come, too, of course (3 kids), and they can bring their girlfriends/boyfriend, too!! Wouldn't that be grand? I said to him that it sounds like a week of me dealing with HIS sons and THEIR friends partying their butts off while we cook, clean and foot the bill. It did not sound like a vacation to me. I further clarified that I could see us doing a trip like that in the future once all his kids lived outside of our home (and were more mature). I needed to MISS them before I wanted to spend a week with them.

We've been married about 15 months and this summer ended up going on a 10-day vacation to upstate NY and the wilds of Ontario. No skids, no cell phone signal and scant wi-fi. It was glorious. If DH had "surprised" me by saying skids were coming along, I would have stayed home. As it turned out, DH and I had a glorious time and we're doing it again next summer.

Stand your ground. Let wife know it is NOT okay to just invite people on your trips without discussing it with you first.

ETA: In early October, DH and I had booked a condo with another couple so we could do a 100 km bike ride near the beach. I'm an introvert, so staying with them was going to be a challenge already, but I was looking forward to the 3 hour ride down there with him alone. Wife of the couple asks when we were going down in a group text. I said noon that Friday. She asks if she can ride down with us. I text DH directly and ask him to call me...............but he quickly replies "Sure." I told him, "I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Here is the check-in information." He was flabbergasted. I explained that it was too much to ask me to share a three hour car ride where she's yammering the whole way AND spend the weekend with them in a condo, too. That the only time I would have alone with him was when we were sleeping. So, I stayed home that weekend. He was not pleased.

Java_Junkie's picture

"I explained that it was too much to ask me to share a three hour car ride where she's yammering the whole way AND spend the weekend with them in a condo, too. That the only time I would have alone with him was when we were sleeping. So, I stayed home that weekend. He was not pleased."

We went to visit her fam for Thanksgiving, and her kids were driving her crazy after a while. She said we weren't going to go on another roadtrip with them for a while. I thought, "Yesssss." Within a week, she was already offering the Christmas holiday roadtrip. FML...

Valkyrie's picture

This happens to me as well Java_Junkie. It's just common courtesy to run changes past you regardless of who is invited (skids, friends, family etc). Couples need time alone and there is nothing wrong with that.

A few months ago, SO said that he had a surprise for me and that we were going away for the weekend to the place we first met. Awesome! When we were due to leave home, SO goes out to pick up a vehicle and returns... with his kids (12 and 13). Apparently he had called to let them know we'd be away that weekend and they had asked to come. SO said 'what do you expect me to do - say no?' Yes that's exactly what I expect on a romantic surprise weekend away considering that we never spend a weekend alone, you complete tool.

After realizing that we only had the one room/ bed that would be shared with his kids, I stayed home alone and drank wine so it was a win for me }:)

Java_Junkie's picture

"SO said 'what do you expect me to do - say no?' Yes that's exactly what I expect on a romantic surprise weekend away considering that we never spend a weekend alone, you complete tool.
After realizing that we only had the one room/ bed that would be shared with his kids, I stayed home alone and drank wine so it was a win for me"

Yeah... That'd be a problem. Well, except for the wine part. Biggrin

Java_Junkie's picture

Whew... CO got a little snow, so DW's X confirmed they're a GO for the shushing down the slopes holiday, and we're getting a holiday without kids. Unless the snow melts, I suppose, LOL...

I just wish someone would consider my thoughts/feelings about this stuff before just *making the plans.* Even some of the smaller things grind me down just by the sheer number of the issues...

Java_Junkie's picture

Christmas break, SKids are w us a couple more days... then off to her Ex's for the Great Family Vacation. Yayyyyy!

I believe they're supposed to be w their dad through NYE, then back to us on NYD... but these kids keep angling and whining about how they'd rather be w their mom for NYE, and she keeps saying she'd be HAPPY to have them (which makes me get nervous bc they're SSSSSO ANNOYING after a while).

It's gotten to where I'm so worn down by these SKids that when they leave, it takes me a few days to really unwind and feel normal. REALLY, they GRIND. ME. DOWN. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially.

Rags's picture

Inform your DW that your plans and the preparations did not include the Skids and Daddy needs to step up. However... and unfortunately the one strong advantage that an NCP has is the ability to decline visitation at will. So, I suggest that DW informs Daddy that the kids will not be able to be with her because the two of you have a prior commitment.

If you leave without the Skids then Daddy has to step up.

Good luck.