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HELP! Thanksgiving Issues

efettig's picture

I am so relieved to find this website! I need some advice/help which is really weighing on me.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Most of this time we have lived together in my house with my three children. He also has four of his own, three locally and one on the west coast that he hardly ever sees.

We have my children all of the time, as they only go see their dad every other weekend. His children are with us every weekend. So every other weekend we have six children in our home for a whole weekend. Most of the children get along fine most of the time, but I have an 11 year old that has some emotional and coping issues that he is dealing with. He is in therapy and we're trying to help him as much as possible. Because of this issue and the tension it causes sometimes, going anywhere with six children is REALLY HARD, to say the least.

I love his children and I know he loves mine. We both have some resentment issues regarding the other's children, but we are a family, are committed to each other, and we're trying to make it work the best we know how.

Last Thanksgiving, after we had been together for a year, he invited me to come home with him and his kids to Kansas for the holiday. My children were not invited. I was hurt that they were excluded, but I chalked it up to our relationship being new and not knowing the territory, as it was my first time in Kansas. It was hard to go without them, but they had a nice time with their dad and grandparents.

This Thanksgiving is coming up and we are again invited to Kansas for the holiday. I told him a few weeks ago that I would really like to bring my kids with us to Kansas, because they haven't been anywhere in awhile, and after all, it's Thanksgiving. I do not want to be without my children for another holiday.

He seemed a little receptive to the idea, but then we dropped the topic. Last night, it came up again. He was looking at the calendar and deciding when to leave for Kansas. Then he asked me if I was going. I said I didn't know. Then he asked me where my kids are going. I said they were going wherever I was going. He said, "I told you, I am NOT making that trip with six kids. That is miserable, and I'm not doing it." I said, "Well I guess I'm not going then."

Needless to say, being a very internally emotional person, I've been seething for the past 12 hours. He knows I'm mad. I told him I was mad, I told him why I was mad and I told him that he hurt my feelings. He apologized for hurting my feelings, but stuck to his decision. I then dropped him off at work, and came home and began searching for answers.

What do I do?? I'm pissed off that he would make me choose between my kids and him on a holiday. After all, his kids are going FOR SURE. Should I be mad? Should I let this go? We are suppose to be a family, but why doesn't it feel like it?? Shouldn't families be together on holidays? Is he wrong because he's not willing to sacrifice 13 hours in the car for a holiday together? Or am I wrong because I'm taking this decision personally? I know he has a valid point, but I think I have one too. HELP!!!

sadstepmom26's picture

I think you have a right to be upset. You and your kids are a package. It was one thing to leave them behind last year, but now to do it again, would let him know that its something you will always do. I think you may have started something last year that needs to have a stop put to it now before you end up spending every Thanksgiving away from your kids. If the drive is the only reason he can give you then he's just being selfish.

Life is what you make it.

Pantera's picture

WTF? You have every right to be mad. It doesn't even sound like he's making an attempt to blend the family. Tell him he can leave his with thier Mom and you can take yours, lol. But seriously, what is his problem?

GiGi222's picture

How can you blend if children are purposefully excluded from the picture. I don't think I would last in a relationship where my children are to be left out when it is inconvenient.

efettig's picture

Thanks for the advice, Sad. I would like to believe that I could "put a stop to it." but what does that mean? Should I give him an ultimatum? I'm just not sure yet if this is a "do this or get out" situation. I understand his concerns and I know he cares about my feelings. I'd like to think there is another way to a compromise.

efettig's picture

I know that if all eight of us drove there, by the time we got there, we would be EXHAUSTED. Speaking from experience, it is GUARANTEED that there WILL be issues with the drive. I am willing to go through the hell in order to have a family holiday together. I understand his concerns, as I have them too, but isn't family more important??

Kb3Hooah's picture


efettig's picture

@ middlemom

I have my kids this year and BF is NOT going to stay home. This is something he looks forward to every year. He wouldn't miss it.

Kb3Hooah's picture

Doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise which would be a HUGE red flag for me, especially when his unwillingness to compromise means you and your children suffer. It has to make you wonder what else he won't budge on in the future even though it hurts you and your children?

ETA: Also, why should you have to do all of the compromising in the relationship to accomodate him?
“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.”