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Ktswift's picture

Ok folks let me preface this with an about me. I am a calm lady I dealn with all kinds all kids all the time. I have some anxiety that i live with but on the day to day im a pretty calm lady. I almost never spank my children any of then i have 3 bio and one skid. I have been step for almost 4 years here is the issue in a nut shell. My skid's mother is insane she regularly disowns her oldest and her defult setting is screaming. After years of careful handling she tells everyone i am great and we are 'friends' im not two faced i am always calm and poliet therefore some kind of weird calm has been establiahed. The original custody order was every 1 3 and 5th weekend but as my skid had no friends and was a holy terror his mom decided to adopt the same custody schedule i have every other week. This was ok until she decided she wanted him home every night now he is with me from 4 am to 730 pm monday-friday saturday from 5 pm to sunday at 7:30pm. When he came into my life he was in trouble  at school daily and had been kicked out of multiple daycares. Flash forward to now. He is almost never  in trouble  at school and gets daily praise for that. However he has started taking knives and hacking up things my porch bags of spices cultlry slicing open packs of food and putting them back in the fridge. Taking screwes out of stair treds and then today he threw my oldest son to the ground at the bus stop.  Im done. My bio kids are incredibly small my skid is not.  My So thinks that brothers fight and it is fine but none of the bio kids put thier hands on eachother. The boy who was pushed down is rhe oldest he is regularly shoved and pushed at school because he is nearly 13 and barely 50lbs and 4' 8" i have 0 tolerance for the kids putting their  hands on eachother. Between back talk breaking things arguing about everything and being sneeky and distructive about nearly every chore he is asked to do i am at my end in my boi kids have each been spanked about twice my oldest has been spanked 3 times in his entire life he is the 9 months older than my skid. I have had kids move bricks, rake rocks, run laps, work  off punishments, and give up privileges as well as had many talks about why these things happened and what a better choice would have been. His mother hits him when he missbehaves then he stops while i dont parent this way at this point i whole heartedly belive my so should spank this child i wouod donit myself but qhith his mom being so unstable i dont she has said his father can spank him and i am not to put ny hands in him i belive on of my so's exs was a spank all the time parent. But nothing else is working and now he has escalated from hurting thinks to hurting people first with taking out the screwes in the stair tred witch left me bruised from the middle of my back to my knee on one side and now to pushing his much smaller brother on to the ground. My so and i went in circles about parenting he was a yell and spank guy when i met him and when he saw that other things worked he stopped yelling and spanking However this behavior continues to escalate am i out of line to say the boy needs his butt smacked? We are not the custodial parents so i can not take him to counseling or take him to a therapist. Im at the end of my rope i love this kid how his mom treats him boarders on criminal and he is a better kid now than when i met him but how much is too much to take guys? I have two little girls less than 30 lbs. If he hurts them it will be very very bad.  HELP! He is as big as i am already he is just  going to get bigger and stronger. He has to learn how to be a functional adult at somepount witch means he has to learn somehow that this behavior is unacceptable. 

Winterglow's picture

"My So thinks that brothers fight and it is fine"

  1. They are not brothers.
  2. When one kid picks on another it isn't fighting, it's bullying.
  3. What's he going to do about it or is he going to wait until someone ends off in hospital?

Winterglow's picture

Hitting a kid who is already violent is only going to reassure him that violence is OK.

Rags's picture

Bullies end their shit when they are beaten so brutally that reconstructive surgery is required.  Once I realized that getting hit hurts whether I faught back or not, I started fighting back when a bully targeted me.  I just made sure they had a lifetime reminder that bullying is a bad idea.  The victim has to be the one to end bullying by escalating self defense to the life altering level for the bully.

Dogmom1321's picture

Let DH know if things don't change ASAP, you're filing a police report next time it happens. 

Harry's picture

Come on. "Taking screwes out of stair treds" is not normal.  This kid needs help, professional help.

One talk to DH about his kid,  next time this kid is band from my home.  Until he's better. DH can see him out of the home.  It's only going to get worst.  

Thumper's picture

is it safe to assume you are not married? You mentioned S.O.

If true, thank God your not married to this person.

I would start looking for another place to live, as in YESTERDAY.  Blow off all communication with BM and let go of this relationship.

IF you want to continue this relationship with SO, I would consider sending the kids to bio dad so they can at least have some peace in their lives. This is awful when you look at everything.

Your kids deserve better than this.

Edit to add: About spanking. Just stop it. Hitting kids is NEVER the right decision.





Ktswift's picture

Our wedding was scheduled for the hight of covid hysteria evwrything got closed no one could come and we were refunded our fees. I love this man and this child but and he helps he tries to parent by my example and was for a short time a stay at home dad. This kid needs real help and we are stuck not being abke to gwt it for him it sucks!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

There's a couple of issues going on here.

Why are you okay with being BM's unpaid nanny? Is your bf paying BM child support?  In many states, the percentage of custody is determined by the amount of overnights the child spends with each parent. So if you're in one of those states, BM is using you for free childcare and laughing all the way to the bank, while your bf is using you as a babysitter while he's at work. 

You're not even married to this man, yet seem to be doing more parenting than both of them put together. No wonder you're frustrated - there's a serious lack of boundaries/structure, a serious lack of parenting, and you're doing all the heavy lifting without either bio parent being on the same page as you.

Your highest priority is the safety of your children, and I think you need to tell your bf that you are no longer willing to babysit for BM; that SS is too much for you to handle and needs professional help; that the custody order needs to be followed; and SS can only be in the home while he is there to parent his kid. If he and BM continue to dump their maladjusted monster on you, put him in the car and take him back to BM EVERY TIME. 

Steplife works best when all the players know their role, handle their responsibilities, and stay in their own lane. Behavioral issues aside, you are not responsible for other people's children, and need to STOP overfunctioning for your bf and his ex. You sound like a solid mom, but clearly the current  arrangement is not working for SS so his parents need to figure out something else. Let go of feeling obligated, or the idea that you can help this boy. Your role is to support your bf in HIS parenting, not do it for him. You need to step waaaaay back from your bf's baggage, and create space for him and BM to step up. Emphasize that SS has behavioral issues above your paygrade, and you want the best for him, but draw a hard boundary.

We talk a lot about Disengagement on ST, and there's a forum on the topic here. Please check it out, and keep reading. You'll find you're not alone, and will get lots of support here. 



SteppedOut's picture


Your #1 job as a parent is to protect YOUR kids. Make your SO move out until he can properly parent his kid. If that makes him break up with you... so be it. There are far worse things... like failing to keep your chidren safe.