HELP! New "stepmom" in world of chaos and havoc....need adive
Hello all,
Well where to start as I try and explain my array of complicated-ness to everyone....
To start, I should say that I am a 22 year old (mature) female who has embarked on the journey to be in a relationship with a recently separated/divorced man and father of two beautiful young children. The ex-wife/BM did not want the marriage to end so when I came into the picture shortly after, I had the hatred of her and a lot of his family as well. I love his children very and although I dislike their mother for the things she says about me and their father I still respect the fact that she is their mother and is still going through the grieving process. I feel like their is absolutely no line that this woman wont cross to make everyone turn their backs on me and my boyfriend. We do a very good job at ignoring the hatred and comments but honestly, sometimes all of the evilness and sadness does get to me and im not sure how to cope? I don't want my stepchildren to grow up with their mother planting lies in their heads about their father and I, especially because we wont retaliate. We say nothing but positive things to the children about their mother, does anyone have any similar stories to share and how they dealt with the situations?
I grew up in a very blended/complicated family and had a stepmom since I was 5 years old. My real mother and father never got along and I was the child in the middle who had to hear how bad each parent was from the other. I guess now that I am a "stepparent" I want to do everything in my power to not have my stepchildren go through the same pain I went through. I know that I am young and am taking on a very large role as well as a lot of future pain im sure. I just think I need some advice on how to handle all of the trash talk from the BM and if anyone has any similar stories that ended up with a good ending?? I realize that the BM will be in our lives forever and I would like to do anything and everything possible to make the future as civil and carefree as possible....(if possible). Thank you all for your time and advice
22 year old (mature) female
22 year old (mature) female who has embarked on the journey to be in a relationship with a recently separated/divorced man and father
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Dear, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but this was a mistake. Weather you were the other woman or not, it looks like it. This will not be forgiven soon or easy. How much time do you mean by "recent"?
When I say recent, I mean
When I say recent, I mean about a year-ish. Which is VERY recent, I understand. Was not the other woman but yes it is portrayed that I am. My parents were both married several times to other people so I understand (well I think I do) the complexity of the situation. But I love this man and his children and he is very understanding and concerned with our relationship as well, he does and offers anything to help all of us in the situation (counseling, communication etc). I know this situation is sticky and not ideal at all. It would be much easier for me to run away and try and find an "easy" relationship, but I would be miserable with out him and his children. Not sure if the situation just looks like a failure from the get-go and im just trying to justify it??? That is why some much needed outside-unbiased opinions would be more than helpful
Brave I understand as in I
Brave I understand as in I was not the other woman but we started dating at the end of his divorce and I was labeled the other woman even though he had already moved out on his own and in the middle of the divorce when we met.
What I did was vented to my bf now dh when the kids were not there. I also did what you did found a forum I could go on for advice. I would start with situations, such this is what bm said or did and get advice on that. I think baby steps are in order here for you to get what you need to do. Maybe if you get advice on a situations you might be able to start knowing how to handle others without having to ask for each one. I hope I'm making sense? Good luck though.
With the bm in my life i have been through Hell and back with her the kids are great though.
thank you very much. To some,
thank you very much. To some, it may not seem like much, but your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated! Reading your words and others have brought me a little more sense of hopefulness for the future years. Thanks again!
I'm glad that your experience
I'm glad that your experience with the children of a woman who is doing this has been so wonderful. My experience is that every f*ed up thing BM fills SS7's head with comes out in his nasty mouth and horrible behavior.
Chances are nothing you can do will make this BM act decently. She's probably angry and will always be angry. Chances are, since you're being made out to be the other woman whether or not you actually are (I've dealt with the same thing, even though they were separated for 3 years before i was in the picture), you will forever be the scapegoat. BM won't have to admit to any of her own wrongdoing because everything would of course be perfect and she and your DH would be together "if only you weren't in the picture."
We never talk badly about BM to SS7, but it's to the point that instead of pretending his mother is an angel we have some rebuttal. For example, SS: My mom says you're a whore. What's that? Me: I don't know, you'll have to ask *his social worker's name* what does this word your mom says about me mean? Another example, SS to DH: My mom says you have to buy me this because she has no money (BM gets a grand child support each month on top of DH letting her live in his other home rent free until SS is 18, yet BM manages to spend most of it on herself) DH: No, honey, that's not true I give your mom lots of money each month to buy you things.
It is infuriating because some of the things she has said about us in front of SS are downright sick,but I just remind myself that one day the kid will know who kept their mouth shut in front of him and didn't put him through that as a child. Just take every nasty comment as more proof that this miserable woman basically wishes she had your life. And unfortunately unless BM stops trying to alienate his kids from you guys, things will probably just get worse. This aspect of my life is no picnic. But know that tons of us are going through the same thing.
very helpful hearing the
very helpful hearing the rebuttal ideas! and I can feel your frustration on the money thing as well, BM gets a lot of money from their father as well.
You seem so young to go
You seem so young to go through this. Are you sure that this is what you want. I don't think it will ever get better. Past experience tells us that the BM's never let up and continue to make our lives hell under the best of circumstances. This one blames you for her misery whether justified or not, she still blames you and will continue to do so for many years to come.
You seem to young to need to put up with this kind of baggage...I really hope he is worth it.
1. You are very young
1. You are very young although mature
2. Right now you're in the "honeymoon stage" with biodad
Many of us here were in a "honeymoon stage" with our respective biodads and we were willing to put up with *anything* for the sake of *love.*
Then reality sets in. The BM is relentless in her brainwashing of the children. The children treat you like dirt and disrespect biodad. Biodad then turns on YOU!
This is the EXTREMELY likely turn of events heading your way. I, too never thought that the biodad I live with would very rapidly turn against me, viewing ME as the enemy; eventually taking the side of the BM, who was truly the enemy.
I personally and many others here have seen young women your age and even younger get involved with a man who has a "previously enjoyed family" and the biomom who is on a "scorched earth mission." It's not pretty.
Do yourself a favour and find a nice young childless man who you can build a life together with.
If you are bound and determined to give this a shot, DO NOT move in with this man or have him move in with you!! Then, very slowly and cautiously from the SIDELINES, observe his "parenting behaviour" (or lack of it) using these guidelines:
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
BE VERY CAUTIOUS if there's a large age difference as well. Some of these "roving men with children" are just looking to "prove" something by getting very young women to be their built in nanny, maid, laundress, financial entitlement facilitator (more on THAT later), etc, yet with ZERO authority in the household.
Really Really wish I could
Really Really wish I could have read this years ago..... bc all of those questions I answered YES too!
I want to say good luck. To
I want to say good luck. To be honest when the BM is bitter and angry you could be in for years of misery. I am currently in a situation where I met and married a man who had a daughteer and their relationship ended. That was 7 years ago. To this day the BM and SD is trying to destroy my marriage. Now we have 2 kids together and it is a constant battle. I will be honest, if we didn't have our kids together then I would have been gone a long time ago. Just be ready for drama, drama, drama. It takes a team effor to properly blend a family. So if the BM is not wanting it to work she will turn the kids against the both of you.
Make sure you count the cost
Make sure you count the cost of this relationship. You are only 22; too young to be using yourself up on someone else's kids and drama. Have an exit strategy, hon. Have your own job, money, support system, etc. Don't make this man & his ex wife's kids your entire world....you'll regret it later.