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HELP! My boyfriends son hates me!

jkb6868's picture

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and moved in together about 8 months ago. I have a 5 year old son of my own and he LOVES my boyfriend! He also has a great relationship with his father and we share him 50/50. My boyfriend has a 4 year old son 6 months younger then my son. The problem is, his son hates me. He is mean to me, tells me he hates me, he screams at me if I ask him to do something. He tells us that his mommy told him he does not have to be nice to me. It hurts, a lot and I wonder if our relationship will survive this. My boyfriend is upset because he spends the time he does have with him punishing him. He has tried spanking, timeout, we even took every single toy out of his room. He just says "I don't care". He told me last night that he wanted his dad to move out so they could go live with his grandma. I started crying, he told me he did not care if I cry that he hated me and did not want to be here.

I am very concerned about my son. He gets so upset when my boyfriends son treats me that way. Am I doing the right thing by letting my son be exposed to this behavior? I just do not know what else to do!'s picture

I don't understand these posts about the kids' behavior when the bm told the kid s/he doesn't have to listen to the sm bc she's not his/her mom, etc. WHAT DID THE BIODAD TELL THE SKID? Where is he? Why doesn't the kid listen to Daddy when he is in Daddy's home? There is a problem when Mom tells a kid what to do at Dad's house... this means Dad is saying nothing, doing nothing to stop the behavior...which is the REAL problem. If Daddy can't step up, get to steppin...all there is to it!

jkb6868's picture

Daddy is stepping up. He tells him "this is not acceptable" He asked him "does your mommy know how much trouble you get into when you come to my house and act like that and say mean things". The kid replied with "no". He said "maybe you should tell her and tell her that you don't like getting in trouble so you are not going to listen to her and you will be nice. He says "ok", but 5 minutes later his attitude starts again.

jkb6868's picture

Thank you for the advice. I feel like I was slapped into reality a little bit. My boyfriend only gets his son every other weekend and what ever is ordered by the court. His ex is a real witch and would love nothing more then for her to get by bf out of her son's life so she can raise him with her new husband as their own.

He has not always been like this or I would not have let them move in. We even did a couple trial rounds before he officially moved all of his stuff in. We took the extra bedroom and made it his own room and he was excited about it. A couple months in is when the behavior started. Maybe because I was the one making him do things like eat dinner, go to bed, clean his room, etc. Whatever it may be, he does not like me telling him what to do. It's hard when I am already parenting my little one so I hold him to the same expectations and do not let him get away with everything like everyone else in his life does!

Believe me, I have grabbed him up and put him in the corner. I have told him that he does not have to like me, but he will respect me and not talk to me like that! We washed his mouth out with soap! When he acts like that he goes straight to bed, no toys, no tv, no nothing. Nothing seems to phase him. The only reason I let him see me cry last night is because my boyfriend thought that maybe it would have a different result if he saw that he hurt me and I really did care. He says that maybe I need to tell him I love him more and show more affection.

He has spanked him, stood him in the corner for long periods of time, even making him stand with his hands up in the air. He has lost priveledges of getting to play outside, I am saying we have done everything and this child does not care!

I know this is not good for my son! I also know that sometimes other biological children have horrible behavioral issues and at that point you can not just move away from your own kids. I just did not know if it was different if the issue is with other bio kids. I am going to switch weekends with my ex so we do not have the boys on the same weekend, at least for a while anyways.

I LOVE THESE: Thanks!! Puts a whole different perspective on things!

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

jkb6868's picture

I totally agree, I need to stop "parenting" him! It is just so hard becuase I have a son just 6 months older. So how do I get on to him for doing something and not the other one...

Orange County Ca's picture

That kid is re-motivated with each and every visit to his mothers making it impossible for Daddy to reverse the attitude. Since you're not a biological parent I don't see a possibility of getting a court order against the Mom for what she's doing. Being married to your boyfriend, a huge mistake at this point, would not change much if anything legally.

Frankly I don't see a solution as long as the mother lives.

Sadly you're going to have to leave as neither you or your child can continue to live under these circumstances.