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Help - I don't like my step I a bad person?

Reluctant Step Mum's picture

I thought that after 5 years of being a step mum I would find a way to bond with my two step kids (boy 13 and girl 10), but it just gets harder and harder. It certainly doesn't help that I am older than my husband and my bio kids are now young adults with their own lives.

I truly love my husband and want to stay married to him, but I am more and more feeling miserable (and very unappreciated) when the step kids are around. It may sound petty, but they just annoy me being there! We are just so different we just have nothing in common - for example they are very withdrawn (around everyone)and unable (or unwilling) to articulate anything more than a couple of words to anyone including their father. They have no interest in doing anything (really) they don't want to go outside, they don't want to go shopping, they are not enthusiastic about anything at all. The only time they are at all animated is in front of the Wii Nintendo (which is where they would spend ALL their time if we let them).

I often just tell my husband I am going out for a while, just to get in the car to go away. I know my husband knows that I am not happy to be around them much and I totally understand that he wants to spend as much time as he can with them. But I don't.

Anyone else out there that can relate to this situation? Do you have any advice? Feeling this way makes me feel like a bad person.

jojo71's picture

The thing is, you fell in love with their father, not with them. Trying to feel like you love them is just like trying to feel love for the kids down the street. You don't have that bond and it's really hard to love other people's kids...especially when you have to live with them. My BD14 is very loving and sweet, but she and my FH are constantly at each other's throats because she has that 14 year old girl attitude (rolling the eyes, talking mean under her breath, slamming things down when we ask her to do something). She makes it very difficult for him to love her. (Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if my FH was one of the men on this site griping about her. lol) But one thing is for sure...she may be 14 with an attitude, but I WILL NEVER EVER be ok with her disrespecting either of us. Seriously, I think I ground her just about every week but I refuse to let her disrespect my FH. So what I am saying is, as long as your H demands his children to respect you, they don't have to like you...and vice versa.

tabl23's picture

I am so happy that I found this site! I was starting to think that I was the only person who was cold-hearted enough to completely dislike her skid.

skidsgivegrayhair's picture

Thank goodness for this site. I really thought I was such a bad person for not 'liking' (forget the loving part...) my soon-to-be stepkids. I use to beat myself up and feeling guilty for not liking them! I do not have kids and I haven't reall been a 'kid person'... but I just really do not like when they are around us. I've been with my boyfriend for 3+ years and at first being with the kids was kinda fun but now that they are 11 and 13 their 'neediness' of me is too much! The 11 yr old girl follows me around the house talking non-stop! She will even want to go into the bathroom with me (forget privacy!) and want to be there too when I shower. Ugh... I DREAD when they are going to come over (which their father is the primary care giver) and find myself getting chestpains when they are here. They aren't bad kids, but I just get so tired of the never-ending babysitting of them (their father spends more time in his office than with them...thus, I'm the one they go to). I just don't know if I can take this for the rest of my life. HELP!

emzy30's picture

I totally know how you feel. Im happy that there are other woman out there that feel exactly the same cause I was thinking I was the only one with these feelings. Im finding it so hard being around my boyfriends 2 children. it tears me up inside cause I love him so much and would love to spend the rest of my life with him and have my own kids with him..I know his 2 kids will always be more important to him than me and any kids we would have had together and Im finding that difficult to cope with as well... I often get upset and cry...I wish so much that I had met him before he had kids but I know I can't change the past. Im struggling so much and I feel sick inside when he has to see them or when he or anyone else even mentions their names.. I now sadly regret getting involved with him as I know that this would end up happening.... It will destroy me if I had to leave him cause we are great together and I could see myself being with him forever, but in the end I might have to as its killing me inside and its causing us to argue and I can't deal with it anymore... I know I will never love them or accept them... I wish I could, but I know I wont.. he keeps saying it will get better over time, but I don't really see how... don't ever get involved if you don't think you can handle it as it will cause you great heartache... I just now wish I hadn't

Crazy_Psycho's picture

this is exactly how i feel down to a tee. my boyfriend has 2 kids one boy one girl and i find it really hard. i think he has a boy and a girl that any kids we have will be just another one to him. i really do wish i never got involved but cant walk away now hes the love of my life. i think the rational part of me knows that he loves me and my dp will love having a child together full time but sometimes the }:) comes out on my shoulder telling me all these horrible things.

londonoah9's picture

Wow I feel exactly the same. I have 2 SD 13 and 9. I am really growing to love SD9, but SD13 makes me almost ill. She is just so self centered and doesnt care about anyone but herself. I have to constantly rearrange my life to bring her here and there. I'm kind of at the end of my rope.

StepMomtheMaid's picture

Thank you so much for sharing. I wish I could tell you things will get better but to be honest my situation is getting worst. I met my DH when his daughters were 12 and 14. He was always the "cool weekend" Dad. Then about a year after we got together Bio Mom basically called us and was like "they're yours, I quit". The problem is after two years of living with them, he is still the "cool weekend" dad all the time. The end result is I have a 15 and 17 year old who are absolutely horrible children. And to top it all off, we have a son now. I could put up with it before but now I have to think about my son and what is best for him. I also don't think he loves our son as much as he loves his girls. Both of the girls are high school drop outs. They smoke pot almost daily, won't do anything to get an education or a job, sneak older men into the house for sex after we go to sleep, refuse to do anything around the house which means that cooking and cleaning the ENTIRE house falls to me or else it won't get done. We have actually installed a lock on our bedroom door so nobody can steal from our room when we aren't there. And my husband just doesn't care!!! That's why I think he loves them more, because he doesn't care if our son grows up around that. I literally do not trust them to watch the baby even for ten minutes. I'm at a total lost of what to do. I am sick of feeling taking advantage of by the whole family, I am sick of having them always around smelling like pot and being stoned, I am sick of realizing they will never move out (why would they? They live in a paradise!) This weekend they left their pipe in the living room where the baby could get it (he's a year now) and dad was like "Don't leave this stuff around". That was it!

I love my husband so much and when the kids aren't around he makes me feel so wonderful. But with them in the house I am miserable. I can't stand to be around them. It's not because they are my stepchildren, it's because of the people they are growing up to be.

Generic's picture

Not only would I not put up with it, I wouldn't subject MY child to it. STRANGE MEN coming into my home for sex? Um no. Just no. The only way any self respecting man would tolerate this from his girls is due to some severe guilt and denial. He is not healthy. Why would he let his daughters have such danger in their lives? How could he subject his family to this?

tiredstepmother's picture

WOW!! Pot, not going to school, disrespecting your home and no support from your husband, they would be out of my house or I would be gone with my child. That is ridiculous. Probably need a good talk with your husband and set boundaries. Maybe a result of no rules with their Mother or she was overwhelmed with them. Kids take advantage of mommies most. Again I would have none of that crap in my house. I also would never leave them alone with my child, they are too irresponsible and selfish. I would make rules, must go to school, no pot or any drugs or alchohol, do housework and be respectful. If they do not follow the rules, Call the police on them for smoking pot and make sure you and your man agree with that. You all have to be the police in your house. :jawdrop: Call social services on them maybe they will take them to a group house. That is ridiculous!!

My kids even look at me wrong, roll their eyes, or verbally abuse me they will suffer the consequences bio or not! If my man did not go along with the rules them I am out of there, better off by myself or with someone else than live in misery.

Mamaof3's picture

For your child's sake, try stepping into the world of boundaries. It's hard at first but you will never ever regret it. Your child is about to grow up in your environment. 50/50 chance you will have the same behavior on your hands. May I suggest you start with boundaries with your husband.

Me22's picture

What a relief to know I am not alone on this. Every time summer break gets close and it's time for my skid to stay with is I become cold and quiet to everyone. He's not a bad kid but I can't stand him in my house. I don't want him to have anything to do with my 4yr old daughter who is my husbands. I keep him away from my daughter and I only speak to him when I have to. I'm guessing he can feel it since he is now 14. My biggest hope is that he will be so uncomfortable he will stop coming to visit. It's hard to hide from my husband. He will ask me to buy his plane ticket and I wait until the last min so it costs more hoping my husband will say push the date out further to save money. I feel bad because it causes tension but I just can't get over the knot in my stomach when he's around. I work so hard to make sure he doesn't play with my daughter or spend any time with her. I find myself trying to figure out a way to discourage her from calling him her brother without making it obvious I did it. I just want him to disappear and I know it makes me a jerk but I can't stop myself

SMK's picture

OH Thank God i am not the only one here! i totally agree! my partners son is so ratty and spoilt and bratty and much more and i dont want him around if we ever have kids as well. we get into such awkward conversations about it and i even tried to get along with him and it was fun at first, but then his behaviour just got worse and worse and even though i did know he had a kid when we started dating, i didnt know he would get like this!!!! the kid now lives with his mother full time and i feel good about that, but i can tell my artner misses him which is fine with me, but when he expects me to be everywhere that they are its so damn annoying... i tell him to go and do their own thing together and im not being spiteful about it i just think that it would do them some good...but its just so annoying cause i feel that i shouldn't be putting him in an awkward spot with this and then im the one left feeling uncomfortable.... i dont judge you at all... i understand you

TeresaKarpova1977's picture

Well, I'm very sorry but I'm going to have to say that this idea of 'I married my husband not his family' is a way of fooling oneself and making problems. You sure knew he had kids before you married him and obviously he would have them around from time to time. Why did you marry him if you weren't sure that you would be able to cope with this? You probably never thought that you would be playing with someone's life. Your husband must feel terrible knowing that the woman he loves doesn't like his children, whom he probably loves as much as he loves you, if not more. Children don't ask to be born, therefore it is cruel to dislike them and avoid them all the time (they see these things). Besides, if all they do is play video games, I don't see how they can be very annoying, it would be worse to have children who are veery active and demand your attention all the time.
Since it is too late now to think carefully, I understand that you just leave the house when they are around and thus avoid them. I guess it is the less damaging attitude for everyone, for you cannot be forced to put up with people you don't like.
I am married. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and my husband has two children of his own. For a couple of years, we lived in Belgium and his children came on weekends. I played with them and made an effort to be nice although I was bleeding inside missing my own daughter who stayed in my country of origin with my parents. Now, due to work reasons, we have moved to another country and his children have stayed in Belgium with their mum. Finally, I have brought my daughter to live with us and now I see that he doesn't like her very much, he doesn't try the way I used to with his kids and many things about her annoy him which make no sense. He also sometimes just goes out for a break. I don't know what will happen, I just know it is not the children's fault. So I am not criticising you, but yes: When you marry a man, you marry his family too and viceversa. It's up to us grown ups to try and make things work. Children are just dragged into situations created by us adults.

kissandraw's picture

well. i dont think u understand so much because u also had a kid going into the marriage..

SMK's picture

i totally agree with this. coming into a marriage with children from both sides is VERY different to being in a relationship with someone with a child.

tiredstepmother's picture

Dirol Hi, I just want to respond to what you wrote. I realized through the years that just because my husband choose me and I him does not mean that our children made that choice too. 13 years ago I was naive about marriage and step-children. I did not have any experience in either one. Right now I feel like running away from it all although I adore my husband and he treats me like a queen. Just being around his child and all the issues that come with it is starting to kill our relationship. No I did not know this would happen, I thought we would be one happy Brady bunch like family...boy was I wrong.

I remember we got marriage counseling with our pastor pre-wedding, he said that the devil will try to destroy your marriage and he can use your dog, kids, in-laws..everything to do it. We just got in a big argument yesterday about my stepson staying for the summer. He is suppose to go stay with his mother in the summer and she now is trying to get out of it. I have been insisting he find a way for him to go because I told him I need a break. I was so looking forward to the summer without telling him do this and do that, smelling his stinky room, know it all attitude, and acting as if he is obligated.

It has been a whole year. SM is playing games with us right now...Anyways, I will not let her have the victory or destroy my relationship with my husband. Nor will I let this child destroy my relationship with my husband. He is 16 and soon will go off to college. I'm looking forward to that! I know he will always be in my life...but at some point it will have to be at a farther distance. Again, I don't expect to fall in love with my step son or him me..I just want to get through it and keep my marriage. Sometimes this is just the way it has to be. Human beings thrown together because of circumstances not necessarily love. And we tolerate each other until we pass this phase.

tired and stressed's picture

The problem is that skids are sometime fine when you are dating. My skids were SD7, SS10, SS13 when we were dating and initially married. Yes, there was some issues with BM and her trying to make sure she was the only woman in their lives. I would gladly have those days 11 years later, our lives are extremely complicated. You say they will go to college and things will be better, yeah right, it is just another set of problems. They will still be home for breaks, weekends,...SD19 has had trouble getting along with others (not surprising to me) and was home every weekend, except for the weekends we or her BM needed to go see her so she had support.
If you read some of the posts in the adult skid forums you will see it doesn't get better. Hopefully it will for you, but don't hold your breath You need to take care of yourself and your bio kids.

tiredstepmother's picture

Yes, I know that when my SS goes off to college we will continue to see him but it will be less not 24/7. Even that is a relief for me. When he becomes an adult maybe our relationship will get better, who knows. I do not hate anyone I just do not like having to raise my SS. As a matter of fact, I don't want to raise anyone elses children. I have taken care of kids since I was 16 years old. I will be 50 next year and still have a 9 and 12yr old at home. I am tired and ready to enjoy my later years. If my SS comes back after college to establish himself fine as long as he spends time with his mother in another state as well. I have no problem helping him get established and out on his own. I hope the best for him in life. He can bring his kids to visit no problem. I am out to make my husband happy, and that often means me being quiet about the things I do not like when it comes to his son. Yes, it is a never ending story. People ask why didn't you marry someone without kids, well, I married mid 30s so many men I met already had children in some capacity. But when the child comes to live with you on a full-time basis then the whole story changes. It is hard raising kids bio or not. We disagree about some things when raising our bio kids and it is twice as hard when you have a step child. But such is life.

tjm's picture

The kids did not create the situation, but at the same time the kids aren't always innocent in the situation either.

Generic's picture

The only responsibility children have is to be respectful to the adult authority figures in their lives. Respect means nice manners, obeying instructions, etc etc. They have NO responsibility to your marriage. None, zero, zilch. Yes, they are always completely innocent with regard to your marriage. If their behavior drives a wedge, that is because Angel your standards are too high or (b) your husband has failed to parent and find balance. Children do not control one thing about a marriage. They have no power and they know it. If they did, they would make their own parents stay together.

juliemichelleklein's picture

I think your response is a bit unfair. I knew my husband had a daughter but that doesn't mean I knew about all the issues that could arise from BM, CS, SD that needs constant adult attention and cannot entertain herself. I saw my soon to be husband's 1 yr old once a week and that was it. Fast forward 8 years to having my own BD with husband, helping with child support, court orders, and police and child protective services involved because of SD's BM. No one can predict these types of things so let's try and not judge others because of where we are and how we feel presently. In fact, I will go on a limb and say that YOU are the exception and not the rule in regards to these feelings. This should be a place of support since we are all fighting for our lives here. With all due respect, if you feel that way you should keep it to yourself.

Express95's picture

I'm so happy I found this site ! I have been dealing with not liking my gf kid for almost 2 yrs ! I try my best to like him but it's hard ! I was raised so different so it's hard being around a kid that's wines ,scary , entitled , misbaves and talks all the time about stuff he has no business doing ! I have tried to step in and say hey this should be this way and tell my gf things have to be different because she doesn't really know how to be a stable mom . She let guilt and passive behavior raise the kid . She slack and not consistent with him and it turns me off ! When the kid is not around we have a great relationship but when he a around I don't feel like myself I get quite bc he doesn't know his place as a child . I be glad when he turns 18 or I pray one day he just live w his dad full time .

logansensibaugh's picture

I feel the same way, I fell in love with the dad not the kids. Sense day one the kids have been misbehaved, and my husband or his family or their bio mother wont see it. they are 4 and 5 . the oldest has asburgers and to but it bluntly is just a little A**. he doesn't listen , hurts things, breaks things, pees on stuff . I know some of it is due to his Asburgers, but I'm getting to the point were I am tired of this being a accuse for him. We have the boys 6 out of 7 days a week. Sense of the eldest condition and other issues I have become a stay at home stepmother. I am with the kids pretty much 24/7. Their father works all the time, which means its pretty just me and them 24/7. Its been 3 years like this and I have not seemed to bound with them. I don't like them 95% of the time, I don't find them cute, and by the end of the day I just want them gone and i' am tired and irritated. I am dealing with the eldest issues but it gets hard. It doesn't help that my husband comes home and ignores the kids and plays xbox all day when he's off. I love my husband and fell in love with him , NOT his kids. and it is hard to love someone else s kids.

fedup13's picture

This is me. I love DH, although in the last year I haven't liked him very much. His family, him, and BM also do not see how bad the problems really are. They are all just so damn deaf dumb and blind. Skid is now 5. I really think he has Asburgers or some form of Autism Spectrum Disorder at times, but hey, guess what, I am just a step mom and my thoughts don't mean diddly shit and no one that does have the authority will take him and get him evaluated because in their eyes he is just dandy. DH did take him to a child psych about a year ago whn they were squabbling over custody and she diagnosed him with ODD and ADHD, but no one implements any of the things she told them to do, BM and MIL just flat out deny it and say the Dr. was wrong, DH just ignores everything. It is very difficult to love someone else's child, even under the best of circumstances, but in mine and in so many of the other poster's situations it is impossible.

Overwhelmed 50 year old's picture

Oh my gosh you are living my life, thank you for validating my feelings. I married my fiance now and thought it would get better but it is getting worse. He also has a child with aspergers and it is frankly a nightmare and I feel the same as you do. She has made me a mad miserable person. Their mother passed away three years ago so we have them full time and he has a job where he is gone all week so I am the primary care giver and hate it. I had to give up my job this year because of her bad behavior but I dont think that is helping and it is making me crazy. I honestly have thought about leaving, I dont see how it can get any better. I love my husband but I might have to sacrifice us to save me. He is gone all week so he feels guilty and lets her behave anyway she likes and blames it on the aspergers, sorry but it sure seems pretty calculated to me. It is like they give her an excuse to be mean and cruel and selfish to everyone around her to get what she wants. I am 55 years old and all my friends are enjoying there later years and I am raising someone elses children and have lost all of my freedom.

Clovergirl's picture

My heart goes out to you because I can see my future in what you described. The children's mother is a drunk so I am horrified that she might drop dead one day and they will be living with us full time. Right now it's half of the time which is bad enough. I am close to your age and am so ready to enjoy more alone time with my man instead of running a day and night care. Am I wicked? I guess only after you have walked in my shoe should you judge.

Generic's picture

So "your man" lets a drunk keep his kids and you just hope it stays that way? Confused?

gaviotas's picture

Hi Overwhelmed,
I have a SD8 with psychological problems, in fact selective mutism plus something else, said her doctor. She does not have a complete diagnosis, tried to convince my DH to have a second opinion but SM did not want to.
So I think she has Asperger: does not respond to some adults, cannot make eye contact, lack of empathy, etc.
I would like to share my experience with you, I think we have a lot in common.
Let me know if you agree and we can chat or email Smile

TeresaKarpova1977's picture

You fell in love with him, not his kids and for that reason he has to throw them in the bin or something? Come on, people.... fall in love with someone else then.

Generic's picture

There must be a terrible shortage of eligible childless bachelors out there these days. There also seems to have been a spike in mental illness among childbearing first wives and their children. It must be a jungle out there!

tiredstepmother's picture

I have experienced that one can care for someone and love them in some way but not necessarily as a biological parent might love their own child. I thought I would have the same bond with my SS but in 14 years it has not happened. We share a home and his father. If it gets better then great. Unless you have walked in someone else's shoes you will never know what they feel.

MrsCancer1973's picture

Well said tired. Some people just don't understand the hell some of us go through with these bastard kids

fairyland's picture

logansensibaugh I feel like im in your life.. Love him cant stand them.. I feel my body tension up and the over whelming feeling of dread coming on when its their weekend.. I find myself counting down the hrs until they leave and our home can be calm again. SO and I have a great relationship when kids are not around or messing up life.. 95% of our problems are kid related & 90% of it is his kids and the way he treats us. :sick: He son is labeled with Asperger's but no test have been done.. I think they all hide behind it and say its that what makes him do the stuff he does.. really he knows he can do it and get away with it so he does...

just.tired's picture

I totally are not a bad person because you don't 'love' your stepkids.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I had to do it over again, I would highly recommend that if you have never wanted children of your own, don't marry a man WITH children.(even if they are grown). It will come back to haunt you...especially when the stepkids get married and start bringing their small children to visit. You now have a double whammy. If you thought that having the stepkids around was nervewracking because a.) you pretty much had to keep your mouth shut as far as any critical remarks towards them b.) your husband went all mush around them and you felt like a second citizen c.) any ridiculous requests made by stepkids were met in a heatbeat....wait till the 'do no wrong' stepkids bring home the 'do no wrong' grandkids! It is a vicious cycle that has eaten right through me and I am just tired.

AllDoneStepping's picture

you are so right - the do no wrong grandbrats come along and it's like the nightmare continues...

dh's second son has three boys who all have something terribly wrong with them - but everyone is in denial about it. Two years ago, the oldest one, then age ELEVEN jumped from a sofa onto a GLASS coffee table and smashed right through it.

Okay, number one, it is nothing short of a miracle that the kid wasn't KILLED. Number two, it was all swept under the rug and "forgotten" - no discipline of the kid, no offer of the skid and his nasty wife to pay for the coffee table - nothing.

I'm OUT! Smile

Kay Kay's picture

I can't speak for Logansensibaugh, but I don't think she was saying that she never wanted any kids of her own or that she dislikes kids all together; she just doesn't love her step kids. I have 2 step kids. In general, I love kids and I love having my own kids, but I do not feel any more love for my step kids than I feel for the kids down the street. There is no connection, love or affections. They are just someone else's kids to me. I love my own nieces and nephews more than I could ever love my step kids. They are my family and I've been their aunt since they were born. I've been my step kid's mom since they were 3 and 4 so there is no bond or feeling like they are my family. They're just someone else's kids.
No, this doesn't make you a bad person. I love my husband so much and never regretted marrying him; I'd just give anything to get his kids out of the picture. They aren't total brats and they're nice to me and we get along, but I can't force loving, motherly feelings and I don't have any and don't think I ever will!

liljess82's picture

:O OHH THANK GOD I FOUND THIS SITE!! Ive been going outta my mind dealing with a 12 yr old boy and a 13 yr old girl! i feel the exact same way. i feel NO connection,bond and quite towards the kids. i dont have any kids and never want any of my own. this is the thoughest thing ive ever dealt with. sometimes i ask he worth staying around for.

emzy30's picture

I totally know how you feel. Im happy that there are other woman out there that feel exactly the same cause I was thinking I was the only one with these feelings. Im finding it so hard being around my boyfriends 2 children. I also would like them out of the picture but I know it will never happen and it tears me up inside cause I love him so much and would love to spend the rest of my life with him and have my own kids with him..I know his 2 kids will always be more important to him than me and any kids we would have had together and Im finding that difficult to cope with as well... I often get upset and cry...I wish so much that I had met him before he had kids but I know I can't change the past. Im struggling so much and I know in the end it will drive us apart as I know Im not strong enough to cope and it kills me inside cause I don't want to loose him...

Clovergirl's picture

I dread the days they are here and I struggle daily with the thought of hoping for them to be out of the picture. Glad that I am not in this boat alone. Is there a support group for this type of situation? Please let me know if anyone knows of one.

Ashley430's picture

You are definitely not alone. I just joined this site for this exact thread. I have gotten so fed up with being a stepmother because my husband makes it blatantly obvious that his children are more important than me. To give you a little background on this, about 3 years ago I bought a house so my father could live with my (then fiancé) and myself. He had cancer and needed someone to care for him after his surgery. My father was so kind as to put down a hefty down payment so that we would be taken care of and have a home. The day I closed on my house, my fiancé and I took his 2 children to see it. They were not even in the house for 10 minutes and I ended up with dirt smeared on a few of my walls. I was furious and yelled at them to get that s**t of my wall. Maybe not the best way to handle it, but my father hadn't even seen the house yet and I had just closed and got the keys in the last few hours. I knew it was intentional. He had always told me that if I had an issue with his children or their behavior that I should let them know. After telling them to clean my damn wall (the paint probably wasn't even dry), he then yelled at me in front of them for being angry. I should've known that day what the future would hold. Since then, we got married. His daughter was my flower girl and ruined our wedding photos by posing for all of our wedding pictures with a pissed off look on her face. His son has stolen my things from this house. And now here it is, approaching our 2 year anniversary and he was supposed to change his weekends so we could celebrate, and he didn't. I just constantly feel like they're going to always be more important than me and I'm starting to consider leaving. I love this man so much, but I have no children and won't even dare to think about having my own because his children cry when they don't get his attention. His daughter is almost 13 and his son just turned 9. They have no chores in my house. They show me no respect and they think the world revolves around them because my husband has pretty much taught them it does. They don't get good grades. The son just almost got expelled for bringing a knife to school (which he also stole from his grandparents' house). They have no consequences and when they're here, I always feel miserable. I'm just starting to really resent their presence and I feel horrible. Thank you to all of you for your honest posts because I'm starting to realize I'm not alone in this. My bachelors degree was in psychology and I feel like Pavlov's dogs. I've been classically conditioned to dislike his kids because I'm always treated poorly when they're around.

SMK's picture

I have read multiple posts in regards to the step situation and this is the one that i relate to the most! i'm not married or even engaged to my partner yet and sometimes i feel that i don't want to get married to him ONLY because of his child. we've been together for 4 years now and his son is 8 or 9 years old and at the start of this relationship it was kinda fun but then i got to know his son personality and what he was like and omfg what a brat! but worse my partner always excused it! his son once said motherfUcker to me... and when i told his dad he laughed it off... the little sh*t was running in the house and tripped on my back and smashed everything in it and my liquid hair product went everywhere!!! and yet again his dad laughed it off! my partner got better at the parenting and disciplining thing but it was annoying cause he 'felt bad' after doing it... it's much worse than this and it basically comes down to he wasn't ready to have a child when he did and still isn't ready to have one. i know that with this behaviour his child is showing it will only get worse! and i don't want him around any of the children i might have with my partner and sometimes i feel guilty about that...
I'm studying to be a primary school teacher and so i love educating kids... but this one is a whole next level of irritating!
the child now lives full time with his mum and i thought that this would be great for my artner to work on the relationship... it doesnt really seem like he does... understandably he misses his son which is cool with me makes me feel guilty about not wanting to do things with them... i would rather they go and do their bonding and i'll go do my own thing...

but anyways thanks for your honest post, i found comfort in it, i really hope it gets better for you

katelynn91's picture

OMG YES! I couldn't have said it better myself. I've even told FH that I feel a better connection with my nieces and nephews because I was THERE when they were born/growing up. I feel guilty for having more of a maternal bond with them than SD6. (Probably doesn't help that she's a mini me of her BM :sick: )

tiredstepmother's picture

Kay Kay I totally agree with your point. I have a stepson who will be 17 in April. In 2015 he will go off to college and I am counting down the days!!! I know he will return for the holidays and summers but I totally need a break from this child soon!! His mother has not seen him since summer 2012!! She says she has to work and travel! I though to myself, the whole 12 weeks of summer, she has to travel and work? Just a bunch of bull-crap!!! My husband fell for it. I just mentioned to my husband the other day he needs to start making plans with his EX to take her son for the summer this year! Wonder what her excuse will be. He is not a bad child at all. I thought I would have this great and loving relationship with him when I married his father 13 years. I never had the experience of having someone else child around me all the time. No it has gotten worst due to grandma's favoritism and since he came to live here the last three years. I tried to bond and ended up just tolerating him through the years. He has an attitude of obligation towards his father. I had to make a point to him not to touch or treat his other half/siblings badly. Anyways, I thought our relationship would grow closer but it just did not. So, after 13 years, I realize that we may never have that close relationship. We are like strangers meeting on the street and are living as roommates, except I am the adult person who he has to respect and obey. He shows respect to me and if it was any other way and his father did not support me then I would be out of here. It is hard at times but I love my husband and have to get through this phase!!!

bbeckymu's picture

I never thought about the grandkids! I kept thinking if only i can make it through high-school i was done! Ugh

SickupAndFed's picture

Oh geez, me too..! Only I was thinking it would be somehow different with grand-skids, you know, kind of like how you are with your own grandchildren...

Strike 2... when will I learn?!?!?!

Thankfully I won't live long enough for great-grand skids.

Confusedone2012's picture

I'm so glad I found this site I thought I was such a bad person for feeling the way that u do. I moved in with my gf and her three kids 12 and 14 at the time last year this time. Keep in mind I never wanted to date a woman who had kids we were together 5 months before I moved in and I had fun with them in the beginning but after moving in and being there for a while I started seeing things for what they are I am a very private person they hung out in the bedroom all the time they would enter the bedroom without knocking they ate up everything they were very loud I will say they were not disrespectful for the most part when mom was around they were some what different when she wasn't not bad but noticeable they were very jealous of each other and kind of rude not kinda of but very rude to one of theyre othe siblings two on one at times someone fake behavior you know tell mom what she wants to hear so my gf is Like my kids like you and she would always say I know you don't like my kids but the case is I dont like theyre ways they're very sneaky but she doesn't see it the living situation was only meant to be temporary and I just moved two months ago to my own place I prefer it this way so now we are broken up cause she never has time for me she's only been to visit once since I moved now and I'm not far from her but now it's she has to be available to them when they call for they're chauffeur they never say thanks idk maybe it's just me I wanted it to work and in the beggining things were so different But I guess next I wont get involved with a woman with kids cause you can't compete with that no matter how much you love her

just.tired's picture

I am soooo glad to hear you came to your senses before the relationship went the next step to marriage! Congratulations, you got out of a no-win situation and you are so right....when you are involved with a person who has children, the children will ALWAYS come first - no matter what. Stay single and be happy....MS. Right (with no kids) will come along, soon enough!

Confusedone2012's picture

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I really thought there was something wrong with me. I really dont care to be around kids so much even my own nieces and nephews i can only take them in doses. I just could never understand how she couldnt understand the fact that them being our bedroom lounging was ok or them just walking in without knocking is ok. Im just venting right now I really have no one else to talk to about this. I love this woman, but i just cant connect with her kids.I mean one of them i really do like alot hes a great kid very respectful and smart just a all around good kid, but the other two i cant get with their ways. I could deal with them on a one one basis but not all at once. I have told her and i will say this for all the parents no one is gonna see your kids the way you do. I know its best that things are over between us but i cant help but think that i could of tried harder or done something differently. IDK I see so many people on here that are still with their partners. I know right now im in a bad place cause i know i love her so much.

just.tired's picture

Conefusedone2012, yes, you see so many people out there that are still with their partners....but, I guarantee 98% of them are on this website venting their frustrations and wondering how much longer they can take it.
It's obvious to me, that this woman you love so much...does not go out of her way to express her need for your attention since she has not come around to see you since you moved out.
Stop feeling guilty and get over this woman!
“A man so painfully in love is capable of self-torture beyond belief.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden's picture

I have a Daughter with my partner & she has 2 kids. I love my partner & I want to marry her. I don't like my step daughter & i hate feeling that way, when I moved in with her mother she moved in the following year & 3 months after she moved in I didn't want anything to do with her & evrything she does is irritating me, everyday i like her less & I also feel I do what I want to cause I am not myself most of the time & the worst thing is that i love her mother.

I thiink I will like them when they a distance away only see them seldom cause the my step son I like I think is because we not staying together

I would hate for my daughter to go live with some other guy while I am alive

Am I a bad person?

KiwiMum's picture

OMG I am sooo glad I found this site! I have been a step mum for almost 5 years now to 14yr boy, 12yr & 8yr girls. I also have my own children 2.5yrs girl & 1.5yr boy. The two oldest SK's are ok but the youngest is so rediculously babied and spoilt by her mother that it has made her a very unhappy impossibly to please horrid little girl who has now become overweight due to the fact that she throws the worlds biggest tantrums at the mere suggestion that she eats something healthy. In the whole 4.5yrs I've known her I cannot think of a single incident where I feel that she has been genuinely nice. I feel like such a terrible person because yesterday all 3 SK's were off school sick and I did a great job nursing them and looking after my toddlers however the this morning the thought of spending another day at home with them (pretty well recovered but their Dad said they should have another day off from school) sent me straight to the shower in floods of tears. They are all so lazy. I think back on myself as a child and the things I used to do. They prefer to spend all their time in front of TV or computers rather than get outside and play. Up until we moved to our new house they were driven to and from schools which were a mere 5min walk from their home and to this day their mother continues to drive them even though they are closer to schools now. When the first came to live with me (we have shared custody so week on week off) the boy then 10 didn't know how to wipe his bum after using the toilet and the then 4yr girl couldn't even attempt anything including feeding herself with a spoon. Oh man I just can't go on writing about this, I feel so sad about it all.

Anyway I am dreading the idea that they may actually one day want to live with us full time as their mother is hopeless, my stomach is twisted in knots and I feel sick most days.....

ElizabethK's picture

You are going to drive yourself sick. My mom once told me .. take care of yourself you have a kid to bring up. So, concentrate on your kids and yourself. Talk to hubby about the situation if he does not do anything ... don't do anything either. I may sound cruel ... but I have been there and I never got any medals or recognition. I then ignored everything ( I know that's tough) but it kept me sane. You are not obligated to correct nor guide anyone if they have their mom and dad. You have your kids to deal with .. becareful you don't spend so much time on SKs that you forget your own who are still toddlers ( I almost did that). In simple terms, don't be mean, ignore and bring up your kids..they need their mom.

betterdaysahead12's picture

Thank you for this bit of advice. Sometimes I am so focused on worrying about my DH kids that I have to scramble to make time for our child we have together. It's not my fault their mother does not want to be here Full Time. I can't be responsible for everything. It's too much on me mentally and physically especially when the skids dont give a damn. No appreciation at all. I ignore too and have to deal with hubby whining about it, but oh well, I have to be sane and in my right mind to raise my own child happily. I dont feel you are a bad person if you don't like your skids. You can't help that. I care for their well being, but that's about all. I dont care about them in any other way. They are still kids (7 years old) so I would never want any harm to come to them and also make sure they are never hungry etc. But they lack respect, listening skills and it just goes on. I know what normal kid behavior is, but they are on the extreme end. Sometimes you need to stop playing, and focus on what is at hand.

SimpleSmile30's picture

What a relief to have found this website! It has been extremely comforting to read all of these posts. I honestly felt like I was the only SM who felt this way!
I agree! There is no rule that you have to "love" your skids. I know that I married my husband because I fell in love with him. I will admit though that if I knew what I knew back then what I know now, I would have either reconsidered it or made sure that I was good and ready for this challenge. My SS is a great kid, however when he is over every other week, I am constantly trying to pick up after him. I am currently 7 months pregnant with my first child, so you can only imagine how exhausted I am. Not to mention having to deal with the constant things he does to get my husbands attention- we can't even have an adult conversation without the SS wanting to know what we are talking about. I am thrilled that my baby is almost here-at least I will have something else to focus on rather than an annoying Skid.

SimpleSmile30's picture

What a relief to have found this website! It has been extremely comforting to read all of these posts. I honestly felt like I was the only SM who felt this way!
I agree! There is no rule that you have to "love" your skids. I know that I married my husband because I fell in love with him. I will admit though that if I knew what I knew back then what I know now, I would have either reconsidered it or made sure that I was good and ready for this challenge. My SS is a great kid, however when he is over every other week, I am constantly trying to pick up after him. I am currently 7 months pregnant with my first child, so you can only imagine how exhausted I am. Not to mention having to deal with the constant things he does to get my husbands attention- we can't even have an adult conversation without the SS wanting to know what we are talking about. I am thrilled that my baby is almost here-at least I will have something else to focus on rather than an annoying Skid.

Burrows72's picture

I agree. The really tough part is if your husband starts to resent the fact that you and SKs are not connecting. I don't know if this is the situation or not for you..I hope not. I'm in the same boat, and my wife is bitter with me because I won't even attempt to bond with SS and SD anymore because of the ongoing childish crap behavior issues (11 and 12 yrs old and out of control)
Don't beat yourself up...they are not your blood, and I don;t care what many well meaning people say about Step parents having to fall in love with the stepkids as their own (it would be ideal) it's likely not happening for many of us, and it's just reality. We can't force emotions for someone else, whoever they are. I pray for the day my step demons leave for good. I pray that it doesn't end my marriage (me resenting her children) I wish you all the's not an easy situation at all.

HighlyfustratedSM's picture


I have been with my soon to be for 5yrs and I have just recently come to the conclusion that I dont
like my step son. We have him every other weekend and the three nights he's here are the longest days ever. He's spoiled, he doesn't listen and for what its worth my feelings are now at total disgust. I love my husband dearly and he is truly the love of my life but this kid is socially awkward, and lazy beyond belief. And as if that weren't enough he's been leftback more times then I care to discuss, and his behavior in school forget it. You would assume that he has some kind of disability but we had him tested!! I was feeling really bad and alone but after reading some of the posts I will definitely get through it...I'm not going down without a fight Dirol

fedup13's picture

I am right there with you. The word I use the most to describe it these days is DISGUST. You are not alone. I thought I was too for so long, but I am not. I cannot stand my skid and now I know any other woman in my shoes would not like him either. Him or my DH.

Jesabaille's picture

I feel the same way. I have 3 step kids. 2 with one BM (6 and 7) and 1 with another BM (3). Now i love the 2 older ones to death. They are respectful, helpful, and just good kids all around. Now the 3 year old is the issue. Is mom moves him from house to house, tells him that all her new BF's are his new dad. He cries for her on the weekends and says he doesn't want to be at our house. He has bite my son for holding his hands, pulled my step daughters hair and spits at her, and then attacks the other kids if they do anything he doesn't like. Not only that but he barely talks and he's almost 4. I cant take it. Im currently pregnant and im excited minus the fact that im scared to death to let this child around my new baby. When my husband and I started dating he was 6 months. So as you can tell i didn't foresee this behavior coming. I wish my husband would have listened when the child's mom told my husband that the baby wasn't his then i wouldn't even have him here to worry about. Its tough and i feel awful, but i cant help but worry for everyone.

B's mom's picture

I have a AD(adopted, she is my husband's from 1st marriage). We do not get along. She is almost 11. There is a reason why I didn't have a child 11 years ago. I am not mature enough and I am too selfish to have a child this age. I need a manual with her!! I was ready to be a mom when I had my son, now 2. I fight with AD like I am her older sister. We are jealous of each other. Now she is trying to turn her dad against me. I am at the end of my rope. I will never feel for her like I do for my son. Some people say "fake it til you make it". I can't seem to do this either. Are we doomed?

just.tired's picture

B's mom,
I hate to say this, but, the 11 year old drama queen will haunt you forever...just think when she grows up and has kids. Not only will SHE be trying to turn her Dad against she'll have even MORE POWER and LEEWAY with her Dad since now she has given him those precious grandkids! You will be a blip on the relationship map.
I have been married for 26 years and have put up with all kinds of stepkid crap and now I'm putting up with the stepkid's kids crap." I've never been able to fake it till you make it" either....I just bite my tongue and hold everything inside. They say you fall inlove with the man, not his family.....but, in the case of men with children, you'd better be madly inlove with the man AND HIS CHILDREN...before you plunge into marriage!

AllDoneStepping's picture

Hi - me too - 26 years (but it will be over in about 3 months) and the grandbrats have arrived and they are God's gift to the universe.

I moved out 5 years ago - I couldn't fake it, take it, or make it.

just.tired's picture

I always try to imagine my life without stepkids.
Great quote I recently found, " Stepkids are like clouds, when they aren't around it's a much brighter day!"
How true!

Mainemom's picture

I think I have permanent indentations in my tongue from biting it. Not that I want to hold everything inside, but if I flew off the handle every time the skids did something that annoyed me, I'd be in outer space.

Clovergirl's picture

LOL you cracked me up, thank you!! I almost forget how to laugh since the soon-to-be skids have been hanged around every other weekends and a couple week nights EVERY week. Sometimes I think to myself; is this really my life now?

stepwitch's picture

Never heard that before.....(WHAT)....are you kidding? I don't like my own kids at times! I don't think you are a bad person for a matter of fact I think if you really believed that you would not have found this site nor would you have asked for advice.. Normal ? Absolutely.

When you leave to get away, that is probably the best thing to do. Take some time too cool off and think. I mean some people would stay and push until everyone else is just as miserable. Good for you!! Try to keep in mind your dh loves you as much or more than his kids...that is an honor. The more you perseve thar dh wants you to love his kids the more you pull away... That is also normal, I mean why or how can you love his kids when they are so receptive to your love. I was once told that it is easier to love the ones that are open to true. Try to be patient, the good will out weigh the bad.

Hang in there!!

Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Soon2BMom's picture

I like your post!

soverysad's picture

"I was once told that it is easier to love the ones that are open to true." - I never thought of it that way. Creature isn't open to love. She IS open to adults kissing her ass thinking that means they love her and I am not okay with that so she is not interested in a relationship with me. Thanks stepwitch.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

jojo68's picture

SVS...YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT.....I had a stepdaughter who was open to love and I did and I enjoyed being around her....the one I have now doesn't want anything from me but to take her somewhere when her dad wont and to contribute money to her father so her can afford to buy her anything she wants. I have a real hard time liking her because she is not open to my affection...She is so self centered....there is no room for anyone else.

hbell0428's picture

Your comment about being "Open to Love" is so true. It is also if they are being "HONEST" too. I have a SD13 who constatly tells her daddy that she wants a relationship with me; and so on..... But never approaches me and it is ONLY after she gets into a fight with him. Kind of buys her time if you know what I mean. It is crazy the games these kids play; like we were born last night.

warriorprincess's picture

and it has been 13 years. I, too, sometimes say to myself "get over it"...but like you I find it is getting harder not easier. I ,too, just recently found this site and I am hoping that having a place where people understand me may just be the thing I need to get me through this. Most people can't even fathom one bit how hard it is. You are having normal feelings. It will be good for you to see how normal you really are by reading some of the other posts.

Reluctant Step Mum's picture

Thanks for the support - we really are 'warrior princesses' aren't we! LOL

A Step parent is in a no win role

just.tired's picture

'Warrior Princesses"....a wonderfully endearing way to refer to all of the "take crap" stepmom's out there.
Why do we find it sooooo hard to just walk out? Are we that much of a glutton for punishment?

Crizzle's picture

you sound just like me, I can not stand being around skids anymore. It seems to get worse by the day. We, too, have been married five years & skids are SD14 and SD11. Sometimes I think I just can't take it anymore.

"They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much confidence in me."

Reluctant Step Mum's picture

It's good to talk to and hear from other brave women (and men) who have taken on this step parenting 'challenge'. Brave we all are.

A Step parent is in a no win role

Crizzle's picture

Feel free to let it out on me any time. I like to help when I can and I think we can all learn from each other on here. That's one thing I love is that alot of people on here can offer good advice with many different situations. And just getting it off my chest has helped me relax about it all even if the issues don't get resolved. It just helps to have someone who understands what you are going through.

"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere

time2live's picture

for those of you who say its worse now than before, was it good at least initially when you first got married or was your relationship with skids always troubled from the start. my relationship with skids is pretty good, but they do get on my nerves something awful and i[m hoping that we can at least look fw to a good relationship, despite their annoying behaviours.

JustAnotherSM's picture

In my experience, things started out well and deteriorated over time. I met SS when he was 2 and the divorce was just final. DH and I took things slow for the benefit of SS. I played with SS and enforced DH's house rules, but did not try to act as a parent. As SS became older, BM starting PAS'ing SS against DH and me. When DH and I decided to get married after 8 years together, things started getting worse. BM increased PAS. A few years later when DH and I started having kids, BM took PAS to a new level and SS had so much resentment towards me and DH.

just.tired's picture

Their annoying behaviors will be getting in the way of a good relationship for the rest of your life. Take it from someone who knows!

melis070179's picture

What about playing the Wii with them every once in while? Other than that, I would just do your own thing! Maybe one day they will grow out of their social ackwardness. Do they cause problems?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Reluctant Step Mum's picture

Hi Melis, yes on a rare occassion I do play Wii with them. They don't seem to dislike me but they don't seem to like me either. I am just there and they have to put up with me (just like I have to put up with them being there). They used to be very rude at times, but I stood my ground and now there is none of that.

It is just that we are all so distant and 'forced' to 'be a family' when they come to visit. It is un-natural - but I guess that is how lots of us step parents feel.

A Step parent is in a no win role

Weary step partner's picture

I am going through a very similar time. When I met my partner her son was 10. We moved in together two years ago. I thought, as most people, that things would get easier as the son got older, but I feel it is, in fact, getting harder. Instead of us living as two adults and one child, we are now living as 3 adults. I have a very negative view of my 'step' son, as I do not have any children of my own. I seem to have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager, i.e. the untidiness, selfishness, laziness, the mouthy backchat, mostly directed at his mother I would add, but I find this very difficult to cope with, as I hate it when he mouths off at her and they argue, although he is not a sulky child and they both soon get over any rows. I feel I am the problem because I cannot see anything positive about him, which frustrates my partner as she acts like the lioness protecting her cub. I too do not want to do anything with him and really cannot wait for the time for him to leave home and I love it when he goes off to stay with his girlfriend or with other mates. I too feel like a bad person but I know I am not really bad,and neither are you! I think it's just the situation we find ourselves in and that you feel unable to do anything about it, and although I love my partner very much I can't bring myself to feel that way about her son. I hope it helps you to know that there are others that feel just the same as you, even if the situation is a little different? It has helped me too to be able to offload some of my pent up feelings. Thank you!

4Kayla's picture

I am in the exact same situation. with two SD's 17 and 11. They are very distant with me. I have tried to do everything from being the best step-mom i could to just ignoring them, nothing seems to work. Don't try to force it though if they want to act like that and it makes you feel uncomfortable, get some alone time.. go cycling or for a walk. i know DH would like me to be more involved as a family but he sees how uncomfortable I feel so he no longer pushes the issue. He will always ask if I would like to do whatever it is that they are doing, but I usually find something else to do. I just tell him I have errands to run. any excuse I need to remove myself graciously from the situation.

Helpless in Illinois's picture

My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years now ...and things with the step kids is getting worse. I love my husband very much but I do not like his kids or love them for that matter. I seriously cringe whenever they are over or even hear their name. His son who is 14 is over weight and his daughter who is 9 is a big tattle tail. It is very awkward when they are over and we really don't speak much. We've tried to do the "family" activities together but I cannot stand to be around that for a long period of time. I too, will gracefully excuse myself and go run errands or make myself "busy". My husband is very supportive and understands me. I am grateful to him for that. I just feel that things are not going to get better with them. Bottome line? I don't like them at all!

bigl2010's picture

:? :? Can't I just be me??? I fell in love with my husband. He truly is every thing I have evry wanted in a life partner. The catch, he has two kids. Six and 8 year old boys. I never wanted kids of my own and was very happy in my profession. I kept telling myself "he is worth it", "he is worth it", "right". We got married before we ever really discussed how things would be with the kids. He has a week on week off split with the BM. Our weeks alone are incredible, when the kids come, its a disaster. The boy really like me but once the crazinesss starts I run for the hills. I do everything I can to get out. My husband knows this and has given me my freedom, even tthough I know he wants me to try harder with his boys. It just feels so awkward all the time. I did not marry him to raise his kids. I married him for him. I chose NOT to have kids because I did not want these responsibilities. Can't I just be me and live me life as I have choosen to do with ma and him and just let the kid part develope as it nature intends it. I am tired of feeling guilty and defending myself all the time. Can this be the way for us so we are all happy????

Reluctant Step Mum's picture

So good to hear from all of you with the same or very similar issues. We are all brave souls.

A Step parent is in a no win role

mylife's picture

Ive been with my now husband since there were two and three, it used to be so much easier even with the Mothers negative influence. My step daughter now 11 has become so difficult with me, but at least her father recognizes it! I take pride in how the children leave the house in the morning whether for school or where ever. She seems to really care when she is with us how she looks (probably so she doesnt have to listen to me) but the week she is with her mother she goes to school looking like a homeless girl, even the teachers recognize it. My step son does the same thing. And the act like or home is just terrrible, with structure, chores and demanding respect! Just awful.Oh the chores well they are pick up after yourself, keep your room clean and help with the lawn for the boys and my step daughter maybe help with folding laundry or set the table. Oh yeah and do your homework.

boogeymom's picture

OMG, do we have parallel lives? Everything about what you said applies to me, only I have 2 SS's, no SD's. They seriously complain about how I'm so "hard on them" because I don't let them disrespect either my husband or myself, and I actually have expectations for them such as picking up their messes and showering regularly. Last time I took off the slipcover for the couch to wash it, I found literally about 17 American Cheese wrappers stuffed into the couch. The garbage can is less than 3 feet away!!!!! We have a schedule up on the fridge to help with morning/evening routines (they have ADHD and have to refer to it when they lose focus), it's the worst thing ever to them. I've actually had my youngest SS tell me that he wasn't going to do his homework because he "didn't feel like it." I almost blew my stack.

rinkrats5's picture

Yep...I hear you! Same at my house! What kind of generation are we raising? Kids think they are so entitled today! God help us when they have kids...what are they going to be like? They all need a good swift kick in the ass.

jobar57's picture

That is for sure, Rink... I don't GET how kids have the balls to act like the world revolves around them. Not like all generations didn't FEEL that way, but other generations knew better than to sass their parents. You'd get the s**t beaten out of you and then you knew there were things you just didn't say or do. Too many parents want to be their kids' "friend" and with my fiance he can be inconsistent in his discipline sometimes, which just confuses a kid and makes him figure he can get away with stuff if he keeps trying. I never felt the need to discipline my bio son and daughter with hitting, but these friggin kids now, you are right...sometimes I wish when they act up that it would for just a moment be 35 years ago so I could give them a good CRACK or take a belt to them! If you discipline kids when they are young they learn the right way. But if you marry into a family where that wasn't done, the step-parent inherits all the chaos. I can't stand doing this again. I will be SO happy when they are all out of the house, and I know I'm not the only one. :sick:

steny's picture

This is my life! My boyfriend/future hubby and I have been on the fast beautiful track of blending our family and moving in together with our 3 children. He has a girl 11, boy 7, and mine is 8. But....After a year and a half, I am coming to realize that we have some serious issues on the horizon! First off, the 11 year old throws fits like a 3 year old and is so disrespectful it is amazing the words that come out of her mouth to adults, and her mother thinks its cute and does not discipline her!. Second, they have zero respect for their home and their father. I come in for a few days with my little one and spend so much time re-cleaning up the home, and when I leave it is like a tornado came through. It is not from lack of the father trying, it is the lack of respect his children have to people, words, their things and any ones things for that matter. Its shocking. Third, this ex (no ill feelings toward her, she is nice), can not see boundaries or respect those either. Comes and goes as she pleases in the home if the kids need something, like its still hers, intertwines herself with his family so he is always tense and uncomfortable. Isn't divorce a separation of family functions? Like, I dont know....Thanksgiving, ect? His family is just a guilty of creating this tension and it is frustrating to feel like I will have to be the guest vs the future wife of this entire situation. Finally, the kids, mine being the one in the middle of the age group are pretty mean to her when they dont get there way. Not to say she is innocent in creating any fights...they are kids. But, one day I found 11 year old with her forearm against my 8 year olds throat up against a wall....I had to control all that I am as a mother not to explode. It is incredibly difficult to deal with children who act and think they are entitled and spoiled. I did not bring up my kid that way and have extreme difficulty dealing with do I make this work? Any suggestions? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? I love this man so much! Help!

Angel's picture

written your comments EXACTLY as you stated them-----except I don't think I am "bad" for it.
No, you're not alone. Thank God kids grow up.
What I did was disengage when they were around. I was nice and pleasant, but when they started acting their age, after the initial pleasantries, I'd excuse myself and allowed dad & them their own "private" time.

I can't play UNO for 3 hours.

No, you're not bad, you are normal.

Reluctant Step Mum's picture

UNO for three hours sounds like hell! or Monopoly for a whole day!!! LOL

A Step parent is in a no win role

Angel's picture

not to marry a woman with young children, that way the focus was on his children. That plus the fact that a woman that has older children really doesn't want to start all over again---so he wouldn't have to have any more children.

Again, the focus being on his children,BUT he forgot that SHE REALLY DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO DO IT AGAIN----ERGO THE PROBLEM.

Anna Blue's picture

I wouldn't think you are a bad person.
One of the worst expectations is that the kids and SM will love each other. This may or may not happen...but, you shouldn't pressure yourself.

I am in a difficult situation with my part because I am a TOW SM and also because they are a SS9, SD13, SD15.What you describe is pretty typical of their age. Quiet and into themselves...not really interested in anything but, watching TV.

Just hold onto the fact that they will grow up...and it is only five years away...and that every year will make a difference.

You should really create a sanctuary in your home for you where you can pursue your hobbies/interests. When the skids are over just disengage from them. Let them be in their worlds and you in yours.

Just please tell me that they are never rude to you or try to make you an outsider in your own home. Don't tolerate that.

Reluctant Step Mum's picture

Hey Anna Blue, I have already taken your advice in that I have recently found my passion for art again and am persuing that. It's a good way to drop out of all the other stuff going on in the house when the SK's are here. Yes, I think that disengaging is the only answer for my sanity.

As for rudeness, still occassionally, but they are a lot better than they used to be. Guess they now understand that I am not going away.

A Step parent is in a no win role

pandalove984's picture

First let me say that I am new to this site and am very happy to have stumbled across it. I feel that I may gain a lot of help from people of this site as I am going through similar things in my life now.
I am married to a man I have been with for 6 years who has 2 children to another woman whom he was never married to. I find myself very depressed when they come around and disliking them a great deal. I thought I was alone in this and felt I was a terrible person. I now see that others are going through the same thing! When they do come to visit I make plans with friends or my family so that I do not have to be in the house. I have done things with them in the past like going to school picnics or movies etc. But find that I become frustrated after a short period of time. I've done all I can to open up to them and become friends, but its almost that I resent my husband for having had them. We don't have children of our own. I want a baby very much but it troubles me that he has been through this already.
I really hope that this site can help me not to feel so terrible! Thank you in advance to anyone who may read this and lend some advice! Smile

Mich811's picture

you are not a bad person. it is normal. i have two skids, 5 and 7, and i regularly fantasize about west coast colleges for them (we live in nyc).

blinkie1177's picture

Same boat here. Although, I don't just have SS every other weekend, I have to deal with him EVERY DAY!! Bio-Mom couldn't handle him anymore so now DH and I are stuck with him. At least his father and I are on the same page when it comes to him. My husband wasn't in the child's life at all growing up because BM was angry with him. Now, he's trying to force a bond with him, but it's not working. We have talked about putting him in a year-round boarding school, but we can't afford it. I dream of the day he leaves for the military. That's what he says he is going to do. Plus, BM never gets him on the weekends like she is suppose to. There is always some emergency that prevents her from getting him.

rdsgirl's picture

I hate being in the same room with my skids and my hubby. We have been married 6 years Monday and I kept thinking things would get better. My biokids are 22 & 19. They are pretty much living their own life. My husband thinks his kids are perfect. Me and my children call them the "precious ones". It has always been difficult because my husband "protected them" from their evil mother. Of course she is not evil, nor does she deserve the mother of the year award. They just have so much hate for each other; my husband is determined to show the world he is the better person by being the person parent. The problem is he is a good "dad" but sucks as a parent. Mom is a good parent and sucks as a good "mom". When skids would visit us they controlled the house hold (by the way did I mention they are 13 and 11). Last year all fears came to a head when "mom" called and said she could not handle them anymore and "dad" brought the "precious ones" to live with us permentantly. Did I mention we still pay "mom" 1200 dollars a month for CS because "dad" doesn't want to rock the boat and make "mom" come pick them up. That is a hard pill to swallow when you are the one who's vacations, off days, nights, weekends, holidays, etc. is filled with the "precious ones" and "mom" is home having the time of her life on your money.... Anyway, I guess my real issue is that when me and hubby first got married we were always going places, doing things and have such a great time. Now we don't do anything...if we do the "precious ones" have to go also because it is not fair for a 13 and 11 year old not be included in their "dad" and stepmom anniversay vacation! The 13 year old is the one I would rather drowned myseld in a bathtub then that to have to sit in the same room with him. He is the most definate, disrespectful, lying, cheating, sneaky child I have ever seen in my life. And I am not the only one who says this. But his father thinks he is perfect and refuses to see any wrong he does. If I mention anything he has done all I am doing is picking on the child because I don't like him. He will tell me I am such a "B" to him and that he has a right to treat me however he wants to. I don't know how I am such a "B" when I don't even go around the child. The 11 year old becomes 2 when dad is around. He has to lay in his dad's lap like a baby, eat out of his dads spoon and holds his dads hand just to walk around the house or go out side. If his dad even acts like he is going to show me affection he will run over and grab his dad or yank his dads hand out of mine and will not move. When I addressed this to "hubby" he said it was best I didn't say anything because I would be making him choose between me and the 11 year old and I would lose. Right now all I know is when I walk into my own home I feel like I am an outsider who has just interrupted the private party I was not invited to. I stay in my room (hubby calls it my cave) which is fine with the skids, they don't want me around no more then I want to be around. I am really getting tired of all of it and keep asking myself why I stay in this mess. I am very successful in my career so it is not money I am with him for. If anything he needs my cost a lot to pay "mom" and raise the two "precious ones" full time. "Mom" gets them every other weekend if the 13 year old wants to go but if he don't want to go they get to stay home. Needless to say, they stay home alot. I am sorry this is so long but it feels good to vent. I guess I should have called myself the "OUTSIDER".

Lsdoll's picture

Wow, I'm glad I found this site, and your post out of all the ones I've read thus far caught my eye. I have 1 skid, girl, 5/6 yr old. I hate the jealousy that comes with being in this situation. I am an adult, I should get a better grip on my emotions but yea, I get jealouse with my skid. I find myself coming to work and wishing they weren't home alone together. When I'm home with my sdaughter (while dad is/isn't around) I'll try to get her to be productive, but when she's alone with the dad, he'll pass out and she'll be wandering around touching everything and misplacing things in our 1 bed room apartment. She has the bedroom, and we have the living room :/ yet she always wants to be around us. You'd figure - they have their own room with tv, games, and all their toys - yet she prefers to always be around us, I'm sure because she too wants her dad all to herself. At first she would stop us when we kissed, and be all up on him, but i think that phase is subsiding. I try to not get jealouse, like this one day I got off work early to spend time with Dad (my fiancee) and we picked her up from school and took her to the mall, he spent all this money on a a nice dress, dress shoes, necklace, a whole beautiful outfit for her she'd wear to some party the next day and that same day to take pictures with santa. Boy was I annoyed, He's never bought me much so I of course had to get bothered. I understand, she's the kid, his daughter, but it would still be nice to spoil and dine your lover (being me) every once in a while, too. When we (Dad and I) want to take a nap or sleep, I try to make sure she stays in her room, yet I'll be awoken by her sneaking around the kitchen or sitting there staring at us while we sleep, its creepy and annoying. There's nights where she won't let us sleep because she doesn't want to go to sleep in her pretty pink room since she's "scared"...she'll want to leave the door open. Again (1 bed room apartment) dad and I don't have privacy, so that's a big downer for me. When dad and I are up to something (cooking, laundry, etc) she'll want to help, yet when I tell her to clean her room, or take a shower, get ready for school, she'll always say "can you help me" "can you do it" -_-... Yep, being a smom can feel like quite a burden sometimes..I love my mate very much though, would do anything for him, and yea, she'll one day get old and have her own life, or will go off to live with mom. That is what Dad doesn't want though. Mom is a witch, only wants my skid to put child support on dad. *sigh* so that is another thing we might deal with soon. DCFS is involved at the moment and have been for a yr now. March, MOM might get her (my skid) back. That could be both a good and bad thing. At the moment I'm really trying to save money for a new/better car. MY current car is a 2 seater :/ We can't take skid out to the places we'd like to. My fiancee doesn't have a car, Reason being why we spend alot of time in our living room annoyed with eachother not being able to watch the movies we want because she can't go watch her own things in her room. Blum 3 Just today she wrote on the walls (again) and destroyed this heart shaped ornament (selfmade) I had on our living room wall with my bf and I's initials and the day of our first date. Bla! She does the weirdest things to get attention.
I could go on forever complaining about her, but I'll stop here. Nice to see other's relate though..

Erin005's picture

The clingy ones are the WORST. Your sd sounds like mine. We used to live in a one bedroom unit too and it is just a hideous situation. Moving in to a house where I have my own space was the best thing. If only husband would respect my space... I have had to tell him so many times that I don't want her in my room, in my bed watching tv. He thinks if I'm not in there sd should be allowed to because 'where else can she watch TV?' Well WHY does she have to be watching TV at all!! Send her outside to play for godsake. Every single damn morning she is here (EOW) she comes in the room and wakes us up because 'shes hungry'. DH thinks shes still a baby and has to be allowed to come in because she needs him. SD is 7, almost 8. Truth is shes bored being up by herself and wants daddy to get up. So from the the moment I wake up on the weekend I'm in a foul mood, waiting for sd to come and invade my space. This is my next battle and I am not looking forward to it. I will be accused of being horrible and hating her. And honestly, I do really dislike her. But I think I would like her better if DH respected my wishes. I just want my space to be MINE. I don't want her using the ensuite just because shes wants to use daddys shower when she has a whole bathroom to herself.

Mine didn't like us showing affection to each other either. Thankfuly shes grown out of that somewhat but she would always squeeze in between us on the couch and pull our hands apart when we were walking together. DH would say 'she just wants to hold both our hands' No, she wants daddy all to herself. I absolutly get the being 'scared' for attention thing too. Carry me upstairs, come to the bathroom with me/ everywhere with me because i'm 'scared'. I can stand it, its manipulative. Not wanting to do anything by herself. Crying about EVERYTHING. Being so damn clingy. I was such an independent and adventurous child, I just don't get her. SHe irritates the $hit out of me.

I'm going to stop, you get the idea. Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. In the begining i would feel jealous as well. Now I just want DH to please please go and do something with her and leave me alone! But alas, he gets upset about this as he wants us to do things as a 'family'. God help me, I just can't win.

Soon-to-be-Step-Mommy's picture

I say rock that boat. No way in hell should he still be paying support when she no longer has primary custody!!!!!

mediocre smom's picture

I am a stepmom. It sucks, true, but at least I have the support of my step husband. In order of his priority, it is God, then me, then his daughter. Why, you ask? Because if I am not the priority, then our marriage would fail. Simple as that. When your husband told you that the 11 year old would win if he had to choose between showing you affection, then you need to leave this marriage. That is ridiculous. His priority is not your happiness.

Wicked.Witchy.Woman's picture

My dh will sometimes say that being a bitch to my ss, but more often than not, I catch dh being unreasonable, so I know what that is like. I get accused of jumping down throats as soon as I walk in the door from work." Well, dh, maybe if you made sure you and your spawn actually did something other than play ps3 for the last hour, I wouldn't have to be the bitch to get the diswasher unloaded so I can make dinner for your inept asses". I guess what I'm saying is damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Faitheliz's picture

Right there with ya. WHY dont kids have to do any chores anymore? I absolutely always have to unload the dishwasher if I want to make dinner (and dinner has to happen every night obviously). And if I have to pick up one more pair of dirty socks that have simply been dropped in the middle of the kitchen or living room or hallway I may scream.

Wicked.Witchy.Woman's picture

Yes, the socks, the GD SOCKS!! I find them everywhere!! I just don't get why they can't wait to get them off their feet! I thought that was the wierdest thing when I first moved in. My family never just whipped off their socks as soon as they came home. Just wierd.

almostwickedSM's picture

Thank God In Heaven for this!! I've got two teenage future SS's and it is about to make me run for the hills. I try to disengage but to no avail because the fiance just won't have it. He has pie in the sky dreams of us all being the Brady Bunch. I'm like, Dude, that was 1970 and I'm sure as shit not Florence Henderson (I have way better hair!).

The sock thing just about made me lose my shit. I am so sick and tired of seeing socks, shirts, underwear, wet towels left all over the house when they go home. How damn hard is it for them (ages 13 and 15) might I add to pick up their stuff and take it home?? And the laundry room is not that far away from the bathroom so why in the hell can't they walk the wet towels in there? I've finally had it. If they leave something here, they obviously don't care to keep it so Hello Goodwill! And if they leave the wet towels, they stay in there until they mold then I make them carry them to the laundry and let them put the towel in the washer where I can then wash them in hot water and bleach. I know this probably seems like the worst possible thing to actually make them be responsible. God knows I've caught enough hell for it in this house!

I have to deal with the 13 year old who is seriously overweight and L-A-Z-Y! The only exercise he gets is from the PlayStation. I'm sure his thumbs could bench press a freaking Buick! I try to engage him to encourage him to eat better and to exercise. It last for about 5 minutes then he's crying because it takes work and physical exertion. He tried to play football and his mother let him quit (she's 99.9% of his problem--she has a serious case of the "oh my poor baby" syndrome) because he was crying after practice one day because the coach made him run. Really? Running occurs at football practice?? Well, no shit Sherlock! How the hell do you think the ball makes its way down the field?? I can seriously see this one living in our basement as a 40 year old and it scares the ever-loving hell out of me!

The 15 year old is in his own world and completely consumed by all things teenager so he doesn't come around as much (thankfully).

Go ahead and print the beauty pageant sash for me...Wicked SM right here!

Thanks for letting me vent!

FionaCloones's picture

Sometimes I wonder if the Romsn Empire had video games. They're doing a great job of setting insanely low expectations for an overweight, lazy, entitled generation of kids. Drives me crazy too. I hope my SS gets my glowers and knows he's not going to be living with us until he's 40.

Lsdoll's picture

Same here, I hate getting home from work and catching my sdaughter asleep in bed with my fiancee (her dad) and finding out all she did was sit in front of the tv and play little big planet while dad slept..yep. Even as im riding home from work I am annoyed wondering what it is she has been up to all day (its mostly no good) from what I see when I'm home anyway.

rdsgirl's picture

Have you let things go to far if you hate going home so bad after work that you will stop off and have a glass of wine or drink a big glass of crown & coke (which by the way I don't never drink on any other occation) or look for a loritab (left over from surgery) or anything that will give you that numb feeling or that I don't give a shit feeling before you walk in the door? And if you don't do any of these things before you get home you begin to panic on how you are going to try to look over your hubby and skids sitting in the living room watching TV, not even acknowledge you have walked in the door except to maybe ask you what was for dinner. The only person that is glad to see you is the dog and that is because he knows you are the only one who ever feeds him... I am so afraid I am allowing this issue with my skids to give me some sort of addiction. I hate what this is making me become.

Wicked.Witchy.Woman's picture

I know that every day, the happiest person to see me is the dog! I know that as soon as I walk in the door on MOST days, the only questions they're thinking (I've yelled enough about them asking out loud, but dammit I can't control their thoughts) is what's for dinner? But those glimmering few days, sometimes 2-3 a month, when I do get a "Hey I wanted to tell you that I got an A on my math test" or "I know you're tired, do you want to go out to eat?" Are the things that get me to come home at night. Sad that it's only 2 times a month, but at least it gives me something.

ionlywantedone's picture

Holy crap!~ I do this! I wonder if I can walk in without getting noticed, usually. I panic that the tv I watch will be occupied, usually is. I panic that I have to go home and act like a happy house wife although I am not a wife. Yep, it sucks.
I don't drink to numb it. Rarely do that. But maybe that explains why my fiance drinks all the vodka and wine in the house. Hmmm.
Yeah, being a SM is just a giant slide ride with most of going down with a huge wedgie.

Lsdoll's picture

Same here, just gotta grit your teeth and pretend all is well. Don't like to upset the fiancee or let him think their presence is a bother... Dirol

Stepmom1966's picture

rdsgirl, I feel the same. I hate going home when the skids are there. I have taken sleeping pills so I got to sleep right after I get home so I don't have to see or hear them. I panic everytime I know they're coming & the whole time they're there. I actually get physically ill...I asked the question on this site "When do the skids stop wanting to visit their Dad every weekend?" And i recieved so many negative responses. But that's exactly how I feel. I just wish I could minus them from the equation...

*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!

midwestmama's picture

I just had to reply to you, because I have tried posting that Very Same question (about what age do Skids stop wanting to visit dad?) in other forums and got really beat up on for it. Honestly, I am in total disbelief that this post has gone so long with so many supportive responses and no bashing!! really is nice to see so many others feeling the same way I do and supporting each other. I see many people referring to "waiting til SK's grow up" or turn 18, which is exactly what I'm doing. SS is currently 14 and I am just holding my breath for this all to end. DH says it wont end just cuz he's 18? Why wouldnt it? Will he EVER get a life?? Will he ALWAYS invade OURS?? Seriously?? At minimum, the mandatory visits and CS will be over, heck that's a start! It's not like I think SS will disappear at 18, just hoping the hassle that goes along with my discord for how he's (not) being parented will!

hiding101's picture

i so feel your pain! mine used to live around the corner and be over every other weekend. i used to purposely work those weekends, and even threatened to stay in a hotel when they were there. (didn't wind up being financially possible). they are now 600 miles away (that was like my early christmas last year!) and week after next will be their first visit since the move, problem is, now instead of a day, they stay a WEEK!! i am so dreading this. i lock myself in my bedroom and get agitated if i even have to walk past them in the dining room to get to the kitchen. i have sleeping pills next to the bed (wouldn't be the first time) and and trying to schedule every minute i can out of the house while they are here. i would love nothing better than their dad not giving a damn about them and signing away custody. i feel terrible for saying it and would never tell him that, even though he knows i hate them. (i make it very vocal.) he has 4 kids total, and the 2 teens by the other ex wife live with us, and all is fine with them, they love me, i love them. but a special needs 10 yr old and a whiny 5 yr old i just can't handle.

Jesabaille's picture

I just have to say THANKYOU for asking that question!!! I have a SS3 that hates our house and is completely disruptive. IT literally sets me off knowing he is going to be there. On top of that im 99% sure that the kid isnt even my husbands!!! I just want him to give up custody and cut his losses already. We would be so happy if he did.

boogeymom's picture

Oh, yes. I don't let myself drink or take the dog's Tramadol because I know for a fact it would lead to addiction, but my tension headaches (which I never got before the SKids became pre-teens) have gotten so much worse and come so much earlier into the weekend that I have to find other things. It's now Friday night, we have them all through Memorial Day weekend, and I already have a crazy headache. I've actually taken to working on the weekends because it means I don't have to spend time with the SKids. On the weekdays that we have them, I'll go for a swim, run, or bike just to get out of the house for a little while. Now I'm actually training for a triathlon as an excuse to stay away from the house. There are even some days I wish I'd never met my husband, just so I wouldn't have to deal with his crazy ADHD kids. And I love my husband. Take it from me, find something healthy to do so it doesn't turn into an addiction, because it really just might.

spookicat's picture

I have to say reading this thread has made me not feel so alone but at the same time very scared about the future. I'm new to the site and don't know all of the abbreviations yet. My Bf and I currently live separately because we both own our own homes that we can't sell due to the economy and neither one of our houses is big enough for two adults and 6 kids. He has 4 children with his ex-wife, I have one daughter with my ex-husband and one with him. My ex and I tried for years to get PG and ended up adopting our daughter. Thinking I could not get pregnant bf and I stopped using birth control and shocker ....I ended up pregnant.
Bf' s kids stay with him every weekend, every school vacation/holiday, and the entire summer without a break. The two teenage don't talk to me except to mutter hello under their breath, the younger two 11 and 9 are sweet to me but for some reason I find them annoying at times. I am not used to being in a house with that many people and they are on a much different schedule then my kids due to the age difference (3.5 yrs and 11 weeks), so I end up at my house with my kids on the weekends and he is at his house with his kids....the rub is that my 11 week old is his daughter so that means he spends the weekend without her and I am home without anyone to help me with a newborn baby.We are constantly discussing how we can make the living situation work but after reading this thread I am wondering if that is the best thing to do. I don't want to get myself into another stressful marriage and it sounds like not getting along with your stepkids can seriously strain your relationship with your partner.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom? Maybe living in separate houses really is for the best????

midwestmama's picture

My advice is yes, keep your house. You can handle your two me. It's way better than trying to handle those other people on top of it.

Erin005's picture

Yes I really get this! I always make sure I have alcohol in the house for sds visit. I sit in the BBQ area of our complex on friday nights after work because I just cant stand to go in the house. I'm thinking about hinding a flask of something down there. I clean up on friday mornings so we don't have to do anthing on the weekend and I just know I am going to walk in to sds shit everwhere, the kitchen all messy, fast food wrappers on the coffee table (the first of sds 2 or 3 fast food meals for the weekend because DH cant be stuffed trying to get her to eat healthy). I often take a couple of panadols with the codine to calm me down. As soon as I get home I drink a glass of wine before going back to the living area. Dh asks me whats wrong, but what am I supposed to say? I don't like your daughter?? And I don't like her because of how YOU have made her? I feel like everything is just one giant battle to be respected and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of my resonable requests for sd to be appropriatly disciplined when shes naughty or tidy up after herself being met with accusations of me being mean and hating her. So I drink instead, EOW. I hate this.

JayS's picture

I work out of town. I finish work at least an hour earlier than I tell my wife I did, so that I can have a few drinks and thus come home a little less uptight...because I know that when I come home, I will walk into the two SS demons arguing with their mother about having to go to bed, or brush their teeth or clean up the food wrappers they've thrown wherever. Then the ten trips down the stairs at all hours of the night "I can't sleep. There's a spider on my wall. I'm itchy. You guys are talking too loud...waaaahhh waaahhhh." With six or seven beers in me, I can let it slide a little easier, because I know it isn't ever going to change. I've already given my wife and her children the ultimate scenerio...that I will leave, and for good, if the spoiled brat circus doesn't change.

FionaCloones's picture

I love all you commenters and raise a glass of your favorite to you. Thanks for sharing. It at least makes me feel not so mean, alone and insane. I hope things get better or that we can all keep on keeping on until the situation changes.

Lolamary's picture

I'm not married yet, but I have been living with my fiance and two kids (two boys: 12 and 8 ) for 1 1/2 years. I adore my fiance, he's the nicest person and understands me a lot, but my experience with the kids has been difficult. I thought it was going to get better, but no. I don't feel connected with them. They are good kids, they respect me now and listen to me when I ask them to keep the house clean, but I don't feel like a love them or anything. I don't know what it is. I know my fiance knows and he wishes I was more loving and caring, but it is not within me. I have nice conversations with them, but nothing special. I feel I'm a bad person... but can't force myself to fake love when it's not there. I think I make everybody miserable, so I just leave the house and come back during the kids' bedtime.

Oh and yes! I hate it when I want to watch something on TV and my fiance tells me it is not suitable for the kids (I mean can't they go to a different room in the house and do something else?) or that I have to turn down the TV because the 8-year-old can't sleep. :jawdrop:

ionlywantedone's picture

You are not a bad person. I am in the same boat as you and thinking you are a bad person is only going to make you severely depressed. I truly hope you are not there now. It sounds like you are trying to deal with the scenario but it's not cutting it. Honestly, I wish I could just say walk away since you are not married yet but I know the difficultly is not with your fiance, but with his children. I think the best idea I have received was to ask mine to move out and we can still continue to see each other but we will work on marriage after the kids graduate high school. I know it's ten years for your case.

The other thing I am going to try before the above is doing something one on one with SS. Maybe develop more of a bond. Good luck
and the TV situation. That's just not fair. I would definitely say they need to leave the room. Although, little ears hear from afar as well. I always told my daughter I was watching an adult program and she was not allowed to watch it. If she came into the room off the kitchen to get a snack then I switch the channel while she is there. I do the same for SS too. I know I would want that. It's not always fun but sometimes you gotta be the better person.

mariposa2780's picture

I'm in the same boat. I've been with my fiance for over a year now. I havea 2 year old son and he has a 7 year old son. I have no connection with my SS. He's not affectionate which is the total opposite of my son. Some weekends I hate having to get him...all he does is play playstation, he's antisocial. To top it off he has ADHD and behavioral issues. My fiance refuses to acknowledge the behavioral issues and makes me out to be the bad person. I don't know if I want this anymore..there are days I want to call it quits and get out while I still can.

Lsdoll's picture

Add/adhd is a pain to deal with in kids. She can hardly ever focus on anything, doing homework with her is a pain in the ass. Getting her to do anything on her own, forget about it. I feel you.

amani's picture

I have a similar problem with my two step-daughters but instead of the Wii it's the internet and cell phones. They are constantly on Myspace or texting their friends. It's entirely rude, yet it is allowed because my husband won't take away their cell phones and internet access. I feel like he's sabotaging them yet frustrated with how lazy they are. They are only sociable with their friends and family members, but in a rude way. So no, you are not alone and it is okay to not like them. I care for mine, but sometimes find myself wanting to slap them awake to the working world. Their behavior won't be tolerated by any boss or coworker.

I think it is totally okay for you to take a breather when it gets too stressful. I do the same thing. Best of luck!

Hogger's picture

Being a step parent is the most thankless job I have ever had. I hate it. I have a SS aged 9 who is over weight, smelly, non communicative and baby talks all the time. I also have BD age 7 who loves her 'brother', they go to the same school and get along fairly well until SS tries to bully BD. I watch my BD hug and kiss and tell my bf that she loves him, she will cuddle with him when the SS isn't there to stop it from happening. My BD won't hug me, would never sit with me on the couch and tells me he doesn't love me. I have tried so hard with him and I have tried to not try so hard as well...nothing works. I am done trying.

mandala's picture

Just joined, don't know the lingo, but glad to know I'm not alone (like I didn't know). My stepkids hate my guts, 8 years into my relationship with their mother. My biokids don't care for my stepkids, so though they live with their mom 10 miles away, I rarely see them, stopped coming up for "kids weekends" years ago. Combined 4 daughters, all teens. That, obviously, is half the problem. Plus she has a 23 yo son who I am the only one who wants to acknowledge that he is gay. Doesn't bother me, but everybody on her side wants to pretend it doesn't exist. Her kids don't do shit around the house, with no expectation from mom. BUt they will do laundry all night (their own only), and leave a lot of dirty dishes around. Just your typical ranting and raving. I drink lots of beer in the garage!

lisas61's picture

OMG I can not believe their is a site for this. I certainly thought I was alone. I am thinking of leaving him...I can't take anymore..I want to run the kid over...I have a 16 year old son who is handsome, smart, athletic, and liked by everyone. We moved here because my job was more flexible. In four years my son has made a million friends. My daughter could not stand living here and she left...which breaks my heart. His daughter went to live with her mother....thank god. But his son has not grown, matured, or changed since the day I met him five years ago. He is over weight, smells, doesn't bathe, doesn't brush his teeth, his room is gross, he eats in his room and plays video games all day. He has never been invited to a bday party, and I can count how many times he has had a friend over. He acts like a two year old and monopolizes his fathers attention and knows just what to say to "DADDY" to make us fight. I can't stand being with him. My husband finds reasons to critizize my son..and I want to explode. This is the most dysfunctional nightmare of a situation I have ever been in and I was married to a raging alcoholic for 20 years. My son now pretty much is in his room unless they are not home. He says the day he leaves for college he will never speak to either of them again. This is not could I have been so stupid?

Wicked_one's picture

I just found this site today, and wow this is my life the only difference is I have two SS 16 and 18 and this pretty much is my life. Sad I am so torn I love my DH and my BS is so unhappy and I'm so unhappy have no idea how to deal with all of this. Glad and sad to see that I'm not the only one. Sad

himnotthem's picture

I too am extremely happy I found this site. And I also thought I was "alone" in this situation as well as thought I was a horrible person for not liking my step-children! My H and I were married 8 years ago (will be 9 years in 2 months). He had two children and I had 3. For the first 5 years there was only the minor little "sibling" rivalries, but the family as a whole took to each other very nicely. I was extremely close, from day one with my SC (who were 2 and 8 at the time). Although my H never really had the same close bond with my children there was never any real problems between them, but I, on the other hand, became very much the "MOM", rather than the SM with my SC. Their real mom is an alcoholic and complete trash. My H was awarded full custody so the SC have lived with he and I for the entire 8+ years. Somehow in the last 2-3 years my SD has become a completely different person (she will be 18 soon). She began to lie all the time (even to her father, who unfortunately doesn't have a clue she's doing it and has grown to defend her even when I catch her in horrible huge lies). Anyway, she's become rude, disrespectful, unruly, unkind, cold hearted, and down right mean to me, which he doesn't want to do anything about because she threatens to leave and go live with her real mom whenever he tried to discipline her. I can see the path she's taking and I would never want any child to be like her. She's deceitful, mistrusting, manipulative, mean, a spoiled brat, and beginning to dabble in some bad stuff (of which she lies about to her dad and I am the only one caring enough to catch her crap). I've been trying to deal with it for over 3 years, but I often find myself wanting to leave HIM because of HER. And just recently came very close to making that choice. It's ridiculous! I love my H very very much and he and I have a great relationship until SHE causes us problems. I get so frustrated for having been essentially "fired" by my SD after giving up everything I gave up in order to be her mom for the past 8 years! I tried staying out of her life and pretending that we are only roommates in order to get through this, but when her crap starts interfering with MY marriage and she's now treating me worse than a dog, I can't stand it. Not to mention that I seem to be the only one of her "parents" who actually CARES that she's turning into this horrible person and I don't want her ending up like her absolute trash of a real mom. Oh, and we have been struggling more and more financially in the last 2 years, come to find out that a lot of "our" bills don't get paid if the little witch of a SD wants daddy to buy HER something. That's just wrong! I could go on for pages and pages about how horrible life has been since my SD turned into this horrible creature, but I fear I would begin to bore you all. Suffice it to say, I am hanging on by a very thin thread and I feel I am being put in a position to have to leave my husband just to save what little sanity and good health I have left and that's just not fair. I know that's exactly what SHE wants, but I married him because I love him and that has not changed. Thank you for having this site!

Lsdoll's picture

I can see my skid turning into a bad person in the future as well, she is quite manipulative and a liar for a 5 yr old as well. She has her little attitude towards me at times. yea.. Sad

Jim Cunningham's picture

I've written on this subject many times and people who have no experience with a blended family respond as if I am nuts. Here is the fact - you will never love your step kids the same as your bio. Not going to happen. But that's normal. Knowing this is normal and being able to discuss it with your spouse is huge.

Once you remove this expectation, you will be surprised the release it will bring. Actually, this may be the secret to all the issues of blended families - communication. That's the real question: Are both you and your spouse able to be totally open and honest about everything? Discuss the rules of blended families. Go to and find them.

Jim Cunningham's picture

I've written on this subject many times and people who have no experience with a blended family respond as if I am nuts. Here is the fact - you will never love your step kids the same as your bio. Not going to happen. But that's normal. Knowing this is normal and being able to discuss it with your spouse is huge.

Once you remove this expectation, you will be surprised the release it will bring. Actually, this may be the secret to all the issues of blended families - communication. That's the real question: Are both you and your spouse able to be totally open and honest about everything? Discuss the rules of blended families. Go to and find them.

Lolamary's picture

I already told him that I like his kids, but I don't LOVE them. Sometimes we try to do stuff together, but then my fiance pushes me to do more, and I just don't want to spend my whole day playing with the kids. Maybe an hour or two, but I have other stuff to do. I think that no matter how honest you're with your spouse or boyfriend/ girlfriend, they will always expect you to love and care for them. My fiance tells me it's ok yet when I'm working at home he asks me to spend time with his kids, and I just can't or asks his kid to invite me to his school activities (even though my fiance knows I don't go because the ex, which BTW is another issue, always finds an excuse to go and talk to him in a rude manner)and of course I can't say no to a 8-year-old!!! It's a nightmare sometimes.

stopandchat's picture

I'm in the same situation. My 6 yr old SS is with us every other weekend and every Tuesday. He is not a child who can do things independently and is EXTREMELY needy. He needs someone to play with him from sun-up to sundown - LITERALLY. And, SS really doesn't have any friends his age, so, he expects adults to be his playmates. My DH doesn't think I play with my SS enough, on my own. But, I have no desire to play ALL DAY LONG. Nor do I wish to get up on Saturday morning at 7am to play. I just don't. And, I don't think I should be made to feel guilty about it. I do it when I feel like it, and, even sometimes when I don't.

hiding101's picture

my fiances 5 year old daughter is very needy. she will hang on daddy alot and constantly i hear "daddy, daddy, daddy"! this just about drives me to my breaking point. his 10 yr old son is autistic, so i can pretty much just forget about even seeing my fiance when they are there. yes, i do resent them. don't let anyone make you feel guilty about not wanting to hang out with him all day, that is ridiculous!

MrsDaisaku's picture

Sounding like a broken record, but I too hate having the step kids around. I got with my partner when his girls were 8mths and almost 2yrs. The 2yr old was a cold fish and the baby was fine obviously. As time has gone on, i spend most of my time in bed, rather than spend my days in what sometimes feels like a creche. My own daughter in the mix too.

I cant help but feel like its an invasion instead of a family. I'm completely open with my partner about how much i struggle with the girls, how i love them, but can never love them the same way. The thought of having day trips gets me into a cold sweat and ill find any excuse to get out of those if i can. I think as a woman you make your own home, your nest if you will, then all of a sudden you've got someone elses eggs and the nest doesnt feel right. I'm two years into the relationship and things have gotten better, but plateaud. Do i stay in a relatinship that is only going to get harder or get out and take the risk off being on my own for however long it takes to find love again. Obviously i have to think about my daughter too.

Soo great to see that other poeple feel the same.

midwestmama's picture

I could totally go on and on in agreement, but I'm curious what ended up happening? Did you find a solution? Is it still a problem? Do you think there is ANY way to fix this uncomfortable feeling you have? Is your husband at all receptive or understanding the position he has put you in? I see your post is now about a year old so I was hoping to find out if anything has been changed or solved all these months later.

boogeymom's picture

I'm glad you said it. I don't like my step-kids either. Like, at all. Both boys, almost 11 and almost 9, both totally annoying, both have ADHD, the oldest also has ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), which is like the cherry on top of the ADHD cake. They're actually irritating me right now at this very moment. My husband and I have been together since they were 2 1/2 and 4 1/2, and being that I'm in Early Childhood Special Ed as a trade, I sort of thought that their irritating behavior was age-related for a second. When they didn't grow out of it at 5 or 6 or 7, I finally told my husband that there was something going on. The oldest one's 3rd grade teacher finally asked he and his ex-wife if he might need to be screened for ADHD. Sure enough. The youngest followed about 6 months later. They act like preschoolers, they don't listen, they deliberately do things to annoy people, the oldest one STILL cries to get what he wants, and the youngest one thinks "no" is just a jumping-off point for negotiations. Because I do NOT play around when they're acting all ADHD, and because I know what to do when they have these behaviors, I'm automatically labeled the "bad guy" because I don't put up with it and I actually implement consequences, unlike everyone else who gives them 18 warnings BEFORE I finally step in because I'm about to lose my temper. For those who've never had to deal with ADHD, some of the fun that comes with it is: repetetive noise-making, bouncing off the walls, avoidance of tasks not pleasurable to them, obsession with things they DO like (in our case, video games, TV, and computer), impulsivity beyond anything you thought possible. Add to that the ODD and attention-seeking behaviors like purposely running into walls/falling down, inane chatter, following adults around like a lost dog to the point where they're almost physically attached to them, complaining about every tiny thing, and sometimes just making irritating screaming sounds. Now I'm getting to the point where even the sound of their voices is like an ice pick to my ear drums. Granted, I started off already having decided that I don't want to have kids, but I really actually thought step-kids wouldn't be so bad because it's not a full-time job. I like kids, I work with kids, I was pretty sure I could handle them, and I can, but every time they come over (thankfully only about 40% of the time), I really just want to call my OB/GYN and have her perform a hysterectomy on me. What doesn't help is that everyone else treats them like total infants. Mom is a complete moron and lets them get away with MURDER, she admits, because "it's just easier to let them do whatever they want." She also chain smoked through both pregnancies "so the babies would be smaller," and thinks that, because I'm not a mom, that I couldn't possibly know anything about kids. I only have a Master's Degree and about a decade of professional experience in the field of child-rearing, but okay. Yes, a lot of their behavior can be partly attributed to the ADHD, but a lot of it really is just because they're spoiled brats and their mother is an idiot. When the day finally comes when my husband doesn't have to pay her child support anymore (aka the best day of our lives since our wedding), I'm just going to laugh at her while she cries on the phone to him about how she can't afford to pay her mortgage anymore. The bottom line with these two is that they will not be ready for the real world once they have to enter it, and no one will have anyone to blame except themselves. I'll just be over here sitting in the corner with a glass of Chard, waiting to say "I told you so."

jojo68's picture BF daughter behaves very similiarly to the way you describe your SS's....I have always suspected that there was something wrong but the school has never said anything and if I even mention anything about ADHD or ODD everyone gets upset. I don't know for sure but I do know that her behavior is not normal. I know that being spoiled beyond belief is part of it but there is more going in. It is really hard to deal with at times....I find myself really disconnected from her because she is so annoying and uncontrolled.

kangaroo's picture

My BFs daughter who now lives in my home is 11 almost 12 and acts 7 I too believe she has ODD or even conduct disorder. She lies, steals and is sometimes mean to animals and younger children she also goes to the bathroom in odd places. She is in counceling but her dad dosn't give the councler all the facts because he is in denial and they just make excusses for her behavior like for the stealing they say she probably thinks shes borrowing when she first came to live with us myself and my bio daughter tried to help and be understanding to her situation but we are tired of having to walk on egg shells and hide our belongings from her, I really dont like her but love her dad. I also don't want to be involved because her mom is a psyco who lies.

alessia's picture

Oh my God ! I am also child care trained and completely agree that so much is ADHD but I have always thought that it basically is bad parenting or basically lack of. It is sow easier to have a diagnosis than to actually see that you are a lazy parent. Discipline and boundaries are what are children crave. I am not a mean mother but I do know when my child is stepping his boundaries with me - I dont shout I just point out you are going too far! Treat me with the same respect as I treat you.

hiding101's picture

believe me, i get it. my fiance has an autistic 10 yr old son, that stims until i think he is going to break our couch, and runs outside in the rain flapping his arms and "woooing". yea, great times. i get he has a disability, but the fact that both he and his 5 yr old sister are let run by their lazy, useless bm b/c she doesn't want to deal with them just adds to his problems. according to his older half-sister who lives with us, he can speak in full sentences if he really wants something, but i have never heard this. his dad lets him get away with holding up a glass expecting coke without saying more than a word. this really honks me off. he can function at a higher level, he just chooses not to because he is let get away with it. i really don't like he or his younger sister and am very glad they aren't around us much. i hide when they are over, because it is leave, hide, or rip their heads off, which really upsets my fiance. i can't win with them.

mom2five's picture

Just something to think about, especially if you don't have biological kids to compare your feelings with....

Are you sure you don't like them? Because I adore my kids! I love them with all my heart! I really do. Bios and steps...doesn't matter. I just love them.

BUT...I certainly don't like hanging out with them very often. I enjoy going on family vacations, out to eat, stuff like that. But the normal day to day stuff? I just don't see it. They are pre-teens and teenagers. I don't have anything in common with them. I don't understand most of what they talk about, and don't really want to. My boys are in their own worlds most of the time. And the girls? Please! They drive me insane! They are like hummingbirds...on crack!

You don't have to enjoy spending lots of time with them. You are an adult. Somewhere along the way, we as a society have lost sight of that. My mom and dad didn't hang out with us. We sat down and talked while we ate supper. We went to church together. And we went on family vacations. But other than that, we pretty much did our own thing. That's what kids are supposed to do.

I'm not sure where the expectation of being friends with your kids came from. My kids have plenty of friends. I'm their mother.

rhythmix's picture

I so agree with you on the "not necessary to hang out & spend every minute together" When we were kids, our parents didn't do half of what we do with our & step both! We were not allowed in our parents' bedroom EVER! My own children do entertain themselves, don't come in our room except to say "goodnight" & it really bothers me when his have to be in the same room with us, follow us from room to room, complain of being bored all the time..I especially had a difficult time when they would come play in our bedroom when I was trying to rest. That has gotten slightly better only because hubby now goes down to living room so they can lodge themselves in his biscuits whilst in living room..but yeah..

Just Trying Avoidance's picture

I totally agree that it isn't necessary to spend so much time together. When I was a child, I entertained myself a good portion of the time. I had fun using my imagination and coming up with little games to play with myself. My stepdaughter is very needy, but I think a lot of that comes from how my husband feels like he constantly needs to entertain her. He feels guilty if he isn't doing something special just for her every day to entertain her. Doing fun things sometimes is great, but all the time is exessive and makes the kid rely on the parent too much for entertainment.

txcajunmom's picture

you are not a bad person...i feel the same way!! i have a ss9 and kind of ss6 (long story) and i just dont have a bond with these kids!! i have tried to love them but i just cant! i guess i do on some level love them, i know i care about them but i do not love them the way i love my own children. i used to feel bad for it but i dont now...i've come to realize that it's only natural to have a different love for your own children than your skids becuase i carried my babies for 9 months, i have had a chance to bond with them at midnight feedings, etc. my skids have their own mother who loves them in the same way i'm sure (even though i think she's a horrible person, i do not doubt she loves her children) so dont stress. as long as you treat them well that's all you can do...maybe one day you will love them and maybe i will too...who knows!

rhythmix's picture

You are not a bad person. I feel the same way. I point my finger @ myself every time there is a problem & wonder, "What can I do differently to make this better." Truth is, I never wanted to get involved with a man who had children. I have 2, hubby has 2. Mine are 11 & 15, his 7 & 8. It has been 3yrs, (I was married to my kids' dad 12yrs & divorced 8yrs) 3yrs of dating & marriage & spending every other weekend with people who are so different from me I simply can't stand them no matter how hard I try. I encourage him to do things with them without me. I had a step mom & resented that I NEVER got to spend time alone with my dad til he retired. I believe they appreciate when he does, but the more time he does spend with them, the more they try to sabotage "family time." He now spends the entire evening with them on Friday, yet when he comes up to our room @ midnight, they start in with their noise as if they're starved for attention or something. He sleeps through their rudeness, & I am left going downstairs @ 1:00am, 2:00am, telling them to get quiet, unplugging their tv & games..etc. They used to refuse to go to his house with him when he was single & even when he & I were dating, but now that I suggested he say "I'll be there to pick you up @ 4:00, be ready." rather than, "Are you coming to my house this weekend?" they are in my home every other weekend. Yay for him, them & their relationship..but I can't stand the discord brought into MY home now. I can't stand them. & it is very hard for me to complain to him, so like you, I just leave half the time..and come home to a nasty messy house that smells like urine..7yr old still wets the bed..

inamess281's picture

So glad to find this site. I am living a nightmare. I haven't been married a year yet, 2 SD's 8 and 4. Both still do not seem totally potty trained. I have a BD 7. And together we have a son newborn. I am a stay at home housewife who was a former banker, and wants her professional life back, and cant because we cannot afford daycare for 4 children.
He compares his two to my daughter all the time. She is extremely smart, and is a walking tslking dictionary. Which can also become annoying. She is very loving and affectionate. She was early with everything, walking at 10mos. Talking at 1, potty trained completely by the age 2. Has wet the bed once in her life after surgery (tonsils)
His 8 year old wets herself in school, is very disrespectful, the teacher calls her bio mom who sleeps all day, so does not answer when the teacher calls her, so then she calls my husband and we live an hour away from her school. but he goes to handle whatever. We get her every weekend and all summer and still pay over 1000 a month in cs. We did try to get full custody of her but I guess even if you are a POS mother the courts favor you.
The 4 year old really annoys me. She gets into things when he is home cause of lack of supervisison.(My Coffee table is ruined fingernail polish remover that was under the sink she got to when I went shopping and he tried to hide it under papers) She orders him around from the time he gets home til she goes to bed. And on the weekends its all day. The 4 year old is by another woman to which he was never married too. Her BM wants her weekends to herself, so custody with her is 50% 3days then 4 days. With us having her all weekend.
My Husband refuses to put her in Pull ups at night and I get up to wet sheets every day. Her constant Im hungry I am thirsty, I want, I need, get it now or Im gonna cry drives me up a freakin wall.
When they are here he sits in the recliner and doesnt move. They sound like they are gonna fall through the ceiling and he still doesnt move. I am the mean one. I yell and punish. He gets upset and doesnt talk and says "you hate my kids". Well honey if they respected our house a little and cleaned up their messes before they went home so my daughter and I dont have to. Maybe I wouldnt feel like this.
When his kids are around I feel my daughter gets lost, and my mom realizes that so takes her as much as she can. I just wish I could go to grandmas too!!!
I love my husband very much. But I want a divorce because of the Kids. There me the bitch finally said it. And it FEELS GOOD!!!

kitty1470's picture

Wow, I am glad I found this site. Now I know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.

I finally found the man of my dreams last year, and we have such a great relationship! Problem is his kids. He has a daughter who is 3, and a son who is 8. I always knew I didn't want kids of my own, I will admit I don't want the responsibility. Well we went from every other weekend and once or twice a week to him having full custody for now and soon she will have visitation. Long story short, she is an unfit mother. Obviously I think the kids are better off with their dad in this situation, its just that I am having a hard time coping. We made a deal that since I do 75% of the household chores, he would clean up after his kids, he would look after them for the most part and he's financially responsible for them since we had to get a bigger place with a bedroom for the kids which I couldn't afford really, and since he makes double what I make, he pays more for the rent, bills and groceries. Now that he has them full time for now, I can't afford the extra groceries. At least he's making an effort but I find it aggravating coming home to kids everyday after work. I get bugged/ aggravated at work all day from customers and the last thing I feel like coming home to is noisy kids. I do not take anything out of them, I play with them, I give them attention etc..but I don't enjoy being around them. I can't watch my tv shows without them fighting, screaming, crying or just being noisy. I am glad I bought a tv for the bedroom and just picked up a PVR so I can watch in the bedroom in peace but it sucks that I have to lock myself in the bedroom to get away from them if I want a moments peace. I can't even do anything without them following me around constantly asking what Im doing, and why.
Yes my boyfriend understands how I feel, and he says he doesn't blame me because if he gets irritated by them then he can only imagine how I feel.
We find out what happens on the 22nd of this month where the kids will go and who will be primary caretaker. I just hope I eventually get used to this because as it is now, I hate coming home, and I hate being around them!!

jojo68's picture

I totally relate even though I have biokids though they are older. My patience are very thin when it comes to BF daughter....but I think if she were a more likeable personality...I wouldn't have a problem.

alessia's picture

Oh My God you are singing my song !! I lived with my partner for 2 years (my house) he has 2 boys 9 and 10, mother is a ex drug addict he got custody 5 years ago, before we met, I thougth that our love would get us through. I have 1 boy 11 years and they are nothing alike, my partner was always saying the I had double standards - well doh I gave birth to mine not yours !! My boy is very self amused does not need to be in my face all the time like his boys do - they never knew what to do with themselves always listening in to our conversations - never felt we had any time on our own. I have a good relationship with my ex, he takes my son every weekend - wants to its great - but their mother is again pregnant with who knows child and is not capable or willing to make any contribution to her 2 sons - so same as you I spent most of my child free weekends locked in my room so I wouldnt get angry about the consistent crap his boys left around the house, no respect for any property or space, and my partner in turn had no respect for my surroundings or that I may like to spend some time doing adult stuff ie dinner our once a month would be nice!!. Dont get me wrong I do play games and interact all the boys are the same age and I dont believe I have double standards its just that my son and I also need to spend some time together its only normal!! isnt it? My anger go so bad that I became resentful every day - this man had 2 children with someone who doesnt give a stuff about kids but when I mentioned I would like to have a baby with him well that was just not in the program - yeh so I have to financially and emotianally help you raise your kids but you dont want one of our own ???! Eventually we seperated our households _ it was hard and painful. We discussed trying to date and start having some time together without me being the cleaner and housewife. Unfortunately things have not really changed - he makes no effort unless he needs me to come over and babysit - well yeh that is really not the kind of relationship I was looking for.
He thinks I am selfish - I ask him how can I be selfish of wanting something better for our lives ??

Desperately Seeking Something

kitty1470's picture

Desperately, I don't think its crazy that you want some one on one with your own son. That does NOT make you selfish at all!! Of course you want to spend time bonding with him one on one at times!
The way I see it is your partner isn't getting his way so he thinks you are being selfish. What I've seen from experience with others is when its the men who have custody of the children they fully expect their partner to want to mother and look after their children. Simply because they are the woman, and they figure its their role. Its a bunch of BS if you ask me. And then they try to guilt trip them by saying they are selfish.
Its like with my boyfriend, when he was married to BM, she did all the looking after the kids while he got to go out with friends and do as he pleased and not worry about anything. Then he gets into a relationship with me and pretty much expected me to do the same thing. I put my foot down pretty much from the beginning. The first few times he had them over for full weekends, he expected me to look after his daughter and entertain her the entire time she was there. So what did he do while I entertained his daughter and cleaned up after them? He spent the entire time playing video games with his son. Then it was pretty much expected of me to watch and take care of the kids while he relaxed and played video games so I had to put my foot down and told him they are his kids, and he needs to start taking care of them! Not to mention those kids were disrespectful and would torture my cat (I put an end to that real fast) and his daughter would hit me, pretty hard in fact. And I put an end to that one real fast as well.
The thing he needed to understand is they aren't my responsibility, they are his. It was exhausting and I dreaded the weekends they would be over. Now, they are with us full time and he respects that I won't be their mother while he sits on the couch playing video games. I told him, I work as well and I want to relax after work too. By the time Im done all the household chores (except cleaning up after HIS kids) I am tired and just want to relax. If I was looking after the kids as well, I wouldn't get the chance to relax and he'd be living the good life coming home from work and relaxing all evening. Thats not gonna happen. So he has been forced to man up and take care of his kids.

It sounds to me like your partner resents you for not wanting to take on the role of mothering and taking care of the kids so he's putting little effort into the relationship. Problem is, if he gets his way, you will resent him. The relationship between you two needs to also be nutured and you both need alone time to do things together but it doesn't sound like he's willing to do that. He probably has that way of thinking that you should automatically love and care for his kids. I would also put an end to the babysitting. If he needs a babysitter he should find someone else, its not your job. Is he willing to babysit for you to return the favor?

L.P.'s picture

Ok, I'm new here, but glad I've found this place. I'm a 31 year old newlywed, with an 11 year old stepson. We've been having some problems, that only seem to get worse as days go by. We've been to see some counselors about the possiblilty of him having ADHD, and possibly Aspergers/PDD-NOS. Well, actually about a week ago, he underwent some testing for the Aspergers, and was found to not meet the criteria for Aspergers or any other Autism Spectrum Disorder, and we also found out that he's got an IQ of 115. I even remember asking him not too long ago, why he acts like he's crazy, and he told me that he thinks he'll eventually get away with it. This boy, is very, very smart, to the point that he fooled me, my family, whom we live with, and my husband's family. Everyone thinks he suffered from Aspergers, so, the expectations of what he's capable of was always very low, to the point that his grandmother, who he lived with along with his father before we met, would do everything for him, ie. tell his father to clean his room, or give him answers to his homework, do his laundry, etc. When they moved here with me, when rules were laid down of what was acceptable and what was not, he'd tell his grandparents, fabricated stories of the times where he'd get in trouble and get punished for it. We would take his toys away for bad behavior, and he'd tell his grandparents that we threw them all away. Grandma would in turn, argue with my husband in front of our stepson, to the point where she told him he wasn't a good father because he doesn't get his son the stuff he WANTS! She would demean him in front of the child, and when she wasn't around, he would take it as, it was his place to do the same to his father. This kid is extremely lazy, he even admitted it to us, but has never done anything to change. He continues to get in trouble, just about everyday at school, he's stolen approx. 30 library books over a certain period of time from his school, to the point they suspended him for 3 days. He was waiting in the office for me to pick him up, which took a little longer than it should have because they had the wrong number for me. They sent him to the cafeteria for lunch while he waited, I arrived when he came back with his food, and we were called into the principal's office to discuss what actions were being taken. A knock on the door from the cafeteria lady saying that he had just stolen a corn dog while he was getting lunch, which in turn added an extra day to his suspension. The counselors we were meeting with, just played it off as a misunderstanding, even though he admitted he knew it was wrong. We had a feeling that they were not taking us seriously because of the way we look (we wear band shirts, I've got unnatural hair color, wear pigtails, etc.), and felt that since he's got this look to him, a little nerdy, and very, very, manipulative, they believe him, he's a kid, right? Ugh, my hands hurt from typing, lol, and I'm no where near done...but just a little info on me and my family...I'm trying to get pregnant, I love children, I love my little nephew 3, and niece 6 months, who also live with us, but can't stand my stepson at all...HELP!!!

Going Crazy's picture

Sad :jawdrop: I feel like I am about to snap.. I have three step kids. I have been with their father for almost 4 years now. I am the only one that works in the house. So, I pay for the toys that they have and the roof over their head, clothes on their backs and food in their mouth. I wouldnt mind doing all this for them if they didnt disrespect everything including me. The oldest is almost 9 and he is so lazy. He puts his toys at the bottom of the stairs and doesnt take them to his room. I had to ask him FIVE times tonight to clean up his stuff. When he went back to his moms I threw everything in the trash that was at the bottom of the stairs. He cant say I didnt warn him. The girls are too bad they are just full of energy. I feel like my biggest issues are the lack of please and thank you's and cleaning up after themself. I cleaned their rooms last weekend and all the toys that I bought for Christmas were in someway destroyed and their bedding was drawn on. I dont know how to handle them. I tried talking to their father but it doesnt help. He just lets them slide by. I love their father but I feel like they will be the end of our relationship. They are the children WE are the adults and they are not running things. I need control of my life again. HELP!

jojo68's picture

I have asked myself so many times is all the drama worth the reward of having a truly amazing man in my life. Someone who is the love of my life...the one I have waited for all my life. It is really hard to deal with sometimes but all the good qualities keep me there and that is what I focus on. I refuse to let a child run me off...She thinks she can control everything that has to do with her father but this is one thing that I have control over for the time being anyway..LOL My fears are that one day she will lie about something I have done and FDH husband will believe her.

MRBDDB's picture

I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone on this subject. I have been with my husband for 6 years, married 3. He has two daughters, 11 and 14, I have one son 15 and one daughter almost 18. We have his kids every other week, 7 LONG days straight. It is becoming harder and harder to be around them. I am finding myself making excuses to be gone in the evenings or finding things to consume my time so I don't have to be around them. Just the sound of their voice makes me cringe. He and his ex-wife are oblivious to these two kids. I have learned it's too much energy for my husband and his ex to deal with the problems at hand so they let them fester. My husband doesn't want to admit to himself or anyone else he has very disfunctional kids. I have prayed for God to take away these ill feelings I have. I don't know what else to do but keep praying and do the best I can.

Josie_01's picture

This website may be my relationship saviour!
I have been a step Mum for 2 years and it has been really difficult, and only seems to be getting harder. I am 33 (my partner is 37) and I have 2 SS (17 & 11) and 1 SD (13). I loved doing things with them in the beginning, i think it was a novelty, but then i discovered everything i said or did went back to their mother (who i have a very low opinion of). When they stay every second weekend i have to put anything i don't want them to go through away - anything that is isn't locked away seems to be fair game for them to look at / play with / break (their father has told me i am pety selfish because i want to have my own belongings and not share). If we take the step kids somewhere they pester their father to buy them things until he gives in and buys it (when he can't afford it - he owes me money and i feel it is my hard earned money being spent on someone elses ungrateful kids).
When i discuss my concerns with my partner regarding his kids being so demanding when it comes to buying things he tells me i am being selfish and we end up arguing. Same with when i ask him to remind them to tidy their rooms before they leave or turn off a light when they are leaving a room and not going back. I didn't sign up to be a slave to someone elses kids.
Maybe i am selfish - i feel myself starting to get angry each time they call their father (at least twice every night).
I would love to have a child with my partner, but he is relcutant and has told me he thinks i would be a bad mother! Is he making excuses so he doesn't have to get the reversal surgery (he had a vasectomy when he was married).
Is there something really wrong with me? Should i be going to some kind of counselling to get over this 'issue'?
Please help me.

kerryann67's picture

Personally, I think we all need counseling to understand why on earth we chose these men! I wouldn't make comments on what he buys his kids, but instead focus on him paying you back money that he owes you. Give him a deadline when you want the money, and don't give reasons why. It's your money and you have a right to ask for it back. This way, you are standing up and asking for what is yours and not commenting on what he does for his kids. Then let him spend money like a drunken sailor on the brats if he wants to. Just don't spend your money to help. And next time he wants to borrow money, I would ask for a concrete time when he will pay it back, otherwise say no. If he complains, just remind him that he may need to put himself on a better budget to manage his money.

If your SO thinks it's selfish of you to want your load to be paid back, then HE'S the selfish one. Don't let anyone use you.

About the kids leaving their rooms a mess... is it possible to just close the door? I know this is stupid, and I am certainly not an expert, but maybe you could just not get involved. Let HIM do their laundry. Let HIM clean their rooms and bathroom. And don't hesitate to remind the kid to turn off the light yourself.

In my house, the kid either does his own laundry or DH does it. occasioanlly some jeans get put in our loads, but that doesn't bother me. And I let DH worry about whether or not the room or bathroom is clean. If it gets really bad, I tell DH that it needs to get done, that Im not living in a dump because of his kids bad hygene. You have a right to that much, for Godssakes!!

Josie_01's picture

Thank you!
Kerryann67 thank you so much for your words of advice. I am going to talk to my partner tonight about realistic timelines for when he can pay back the money he owes me.
I laughed when i read your comment about closing the bedroom doors - it is actually when i am closing the bedroom doors that i see what a mess the rooms are in. I might take a deep breath next time i am closing the doors to their rooms and just leave it. I will try to ask for them to be cleaned only when i need to tidy it for a friend staying over or something.
I don't mind washing their sheets and clothes with ours when they need changing; then maybe he can deal with their clothes and figure out from the pile left on the floor what is clean and dirty.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom - i am going to really take on board what you have said and see how i go Smile

Kes's picture

Similar issues - different personalities - I have known my DH and SKIDS for 9 yrs, and we have been married for 2yrs. I am older than him and have BDs aged 28 and 26. My SDs are 16 and 14 and in the beginning I tried really hard to form a relationship with them, but feel I was doomed to failure because of an extremely hostile BM who resented me and the fact I was with her ex although I certainly did not split them up and there was little reason for her to be so vile; I put it down to her narcissistic personality disorder!!
I have the opposite problem from you with the SKIDs - I am quiet and introverted - they are noisy, combative drama queens exactly like their mother.
Like you, I try and get out as much as possible every other weekend when they grace us with their visits - they turn my house into an unpleasant place to be. I have even taken to avoiding sitting down at mealtimes with them as one of them behaves so obnoxiously. I feel like I have no authority - DH prefers me not to discipline them - but to do it himself - which leaves me with very little role but to sit waiting for them to go home and breathe a sigh of relief! DH knows they are difficult, high maintenance girls - nice that he acknowledges that. My 2 BDs are well embarked on their own lives and he has a very good relationship with them. He has it so easy - grrr!! SOmetimes I would love him to have a taste of what its like to be me.

kitty1470's picture

I agree....if he owes you money he should be paying that back to you BEFORE he spends it on his kids!! I can't stand it when my boyfriends kids come and spend every second weekend with us either. I can't believe the mess they make in one weekend! i absolutely refuse to clean up after them, either they clean the mess or my boyfriend does. As for their room, it looks like a tornado whipped through so I just leave the door shut at all times. I don't go in there. Its not my job to change their bedding..or wash their clothes. i just leave it. If the bedding needs to be changed my boyfriend knows how to use the washer and dryer. I have to also hide things I don't want his kids to play with or touch.
Especially chapstick..his daughter loves to smear it all over MY furniture. My boyfriend told me that she loves the chapstick and Im making a huge deal out of it. So what did I do?? When we were all in his car and he ran in to pick up something in a store I let his daughter play with the chapstick and she smeared it all over his nice luxury car...and he FREAKED!! I asked him what the big deal is, after all she does it to my furniture. Well he won't let her have chapstick anymore period.

I also refuse to be a slave to someone elses kids and I agree, I think we all need counselling for getting together with men with kids. I dread coming home from work when he has them and I dread the weekends he has them as well. Im always so happy when they go back to their moms..

WTFdidIDo's picture

I married a woman at age 38 twelve years ago who had two kids and an ex husband. The kids are 22 and 18 now. We now have 2 children 10 and 11. We are well educated and very high income so this isn't going to be some sob story or tale like "Raising Arizona" living in a trailer. I can just tell you that being a step-parent is a biological affront, an unnatural act, and in most instances wihwhich I have become familiar over the years it is doomed. Do not marry a custodial parent with 2 young kids! We aren't divorced nor do we strain financially even though the boy's loser father died 5 years ago of alcohol overdose. Neither stepson ever had legal trouble nor was there a lot of animosity. Rather, it was an endless series of stupid decisions, playing on parental guilt to take advantage, hanging on to an indulgent parent and not amounting to something, or just plain incompatibility (one kid is very low IQ, like his father - hard to set an example for my kids when bro' works in a gas station) that have made it a miserable experience. There is a reason the Catholics and Jewish stay married -- divorce screws up children!!!! Period! I am a guy, so I am not goof to feed you a ration of feel good silly soppy emotional garbage like some sort of therapist. I just tell you from experience, and from noticing how a lot of other steppers have fared (you notice when you ARE one), the experience is almost never good unless the kids were one foot out the door or one foot out of the crib when the 2nd marriage began. Otherwise it is just uncomfortable, unnatural, and like getting married and livin in the in-laws basement, to draw an analogy, just not the way it is supposed to be. If I can prevent one marriage to a stepper situation I will have done my job. Stay married and don't ever think your kids will blend in with a substitute parent (father). Maybe women are programmed to take on the baggage in some cases, but for men If you didn't bear them you won't have the patience to deal with them when the trials and tribulations of parenting begin.

Done WIth It's picture

Relunctent Step Mom...I know, I tried to treat them as relatives visiting, that gets you nowhere because of they way the kids respond. They don't give the "visiting family" respect back.

It's like you sole use is to be used when they need something....somewhere between a nurse, nanny, teacher and bankroller, and at other times, a target for their anger at the dad, BM, or anyone else.

The stepmother role is another dimension straight from the Twilight Zone. I don't think it can be defined. Only that when having stepkids in your life, that music seems to be playing and Rod Sterling preparing a monolog for a crazy show beginning to play.

THe advice I can only treat your husband's kids like visiting cousins. You're polite, you're fair, you're mildly interested since they showed they have no interest in you. But remember, you didn't deliver these kids nor did you teach them to be so hateful. They got that from somewhere else.

btw....I am so grateful I never had kids. That has to be the most horrible feeling to experience when your kid is so hateful to someone you love and know is being kind to you kid.

notadramaqueen's picture

thank god i am not alone on this one!!! my partner of 2 years has 2 kids, 6 & 3, who i do not like very much. i dont have kids of my own for the very reason that i dont really like kids!! when i met my partner i knew he had them but he didnt have them on weekends, just saw them for the day. now, he is living with me & the little horrors come & destroy my house & my life every second weekend for the last couple of months! we had them for 2 weeks over the school holidays & it was horrific to say the least. i was practically catatonic. no peace from sun-up to sun-down for 16 days. the sound of crying or that whingey voice they do makes my hair stand on end. YAY FUN. the kids mother is unemployed alcoholic & i can only imagine what they have to deal with at their other house. apparently she told them she hasnt got any money to feed them?? (always got cash for beer & smokes tho i bet) when they come to us their dad spends a fortune entertaining them, which is not appreciated very much at all. the 6 year old sits there with a horrendous sulky face that i'd like to slap off her, as my mother would have done to me. the 3 year old is in that "difficult" stage of throwing tantrums whenever she gets told no. public humiliation on a hair-trigger! a lot of the time they will play happily with each other or watch dvds with no issue. the only time the house is quiet is when the tv is on!! they hardly eat anything unless its toast, pies, chips & spag bol & pick at it like its got rat poison in it if you dare to dish anything else up, which makes me feel like upending it over their heads. you buy them a toy at the shop & they sulk about the other one they didnt get. their dad works extremely hard all week & gets frustrated also when he has to deal with the ungrateful little brats on his day/s off. many times i walk away & lock myself in the bathroom or my bedroom where they cant get at me. they touch everything in my house, leave crap everywhere, drop food all over the floor at the dinner table & every sentence starts with "i want....". i realise they are only kids & this is what they do but i HATE it!!!! they dont understand or appreciate how much things cost (trip to the cinema $80!!!!) or how hard we both work so they can have nice things. i find them draining, demanding, ungrateful, greedy, annoying, messy & disgusting(nappies). occasionally i will have good moments with them but it doesnt last the whole visit & i always look forward to when they go back to their mothers! it gets to the point where i really dont want to imagine living this charade for the next X amount of years regardless of how much i love their dad. in fact, it often puts me OFF their dad & i get angry with him because of them. i know i sound harsh but this forum is for venting, so please accept my vent as i cant express this in full to anyone else....

NHstepparent's picture

I, as many of you have been, am very happy to have found this site. I am 27 and my partner is 47 with a 16 year old son. We have been together almost 7 years. His son lives with us the majority of the time and only spends some weekends and part of the summer with his Mother. I have often felt like a horrible person for looking forward to that time without him. I'm sure my age contributes to how feel but honestly I am much happier when his son is not here. I feel like a mallet is hitting me in the head sometimes. I get irritated when he leaves dishes around. I feel like I am constitantly picking up after him. We get along okay but I don't feel that connection I would think I should have after 7 years. I get more annoyed with my partner when his son is around as well. I don't know what to do to fix this. Any suggestions you would have would be great.

CcQueen's picture

Thankgod for this page! I'm beggining to loose my mind! I lovemy husband to be so much but I'm finding his children unbearable. H2B & I have been together for a while but was always very reluctant to introduce his kids to me... Or anyonefor that matter, he has them every other weekend & although all his friends & family are obviously aware of him having the kids... He has kept them at bay from his own reality, if you like. ..... It's becoming clearer why! We decided to move in together last year, but had a few days out with them in the run up to that... The outings appeared to go well, SS is 14 SD is 13, H2b told me how his children loved me & thought I was great. Then we decided to move in together and get married... Again they seemed happy & excited, & we gave them quite pivitol rolls in the wedding ( roles they couldn't handle as children but wanted them to have grande titles so they felt 'involved')

it has become more & more apparent over the months that his children are actually quite vile. He has no control over them, they are socially inept, don't shut up talking crap in the house but when they are faced with family or friends they refuse to talk ( shyness I can handle, but it's pure ignorance) they are sulky, SD has serious hygeine issues, has started her periods & doesn't wash...change her clothes is generally dirty which is embarrassing, so we buy her clothes & she doesn't wear them... I've tried speaking to my h2b about it but he says 'what can I do ' ... I don't know the answer, if she was mine, i'd tell her she needed to wash, especially as she's getting older & her bodies changing but I can't tell her this!

She's always wanting to hold her daddys hand when we go anywhere and is always trying to sprawl over him in the house- SHES 13!!! It's like a constant aggregation from the minute they arrive to the minute they leave! Me & hb2 are constantly arguing about it, I don't want to be a 'family' with them when they are together as a 3 some there is no room for me! They damage things, they are disrespectful of other peoples property & are general very immature for 2 teenagers. On the weekends we have them I'd like to do my own thing but h2b gets offended by this & this causes arguments too! There is only a few months till we get married & I'm scared.I'm at the point that I really don't even want his kids at the wedding and for feeling that I'm starting to wonder weather I should be marrying this man at all! He's so defensive of his children but never defends me when they are rude or talk consistantly about their mother & how life was when they were 'all' once a family!

Help! At end of tether!

All you step parents who are struggling I sympathise and all you step patents that are coping and staying strong... I commend you!


able333's picture

I think the whole issue boils down to human instincts. In the wild animals do not take on others young ( in general ) because it is not beneficial to forwarding on ones genes .
Anyway, I am so glad I found this site cos I thought it was just me being horrible. My husband has 2 children that I get along with very well. They are well behaved and nice children. I dint have my own bio kids. I think part of my prob is that I dint understand people's bond that they have with their children, since I have none of my own. Also I chose not to have kids cos I like to do with my time what I want, therefore when I have to stay in cos they r at our house I feel tied down. I made the decision to marry him, so I knew way to expect, but it doesn't stop me having these feelings. I have come to an age now where I have a very strong maternal urge to have bio children of my/ our own. He says he would so it for me, otherwise he is not really wanting any more( cos he already has his own). It's hard when his ex wife he gets together about the kids for parents evening etc. I feel really excluded. My friends have all had their first children recently or are in the stages of and I feel really left out that they are starting on the path of parenthood together for the first time because that is what they both want. U suppose this is the joy of being with an older man. It's hard not to think " yeah he's alright Jack he has war he wants" and that I am missing out. I think he doesn't understand that a step mum can't have the bond he has. If I was to have my time again, I don't think that I would have got involved in the first place.

Hush's picture

I recently got married. My husband of 2months has a 6 year old son. He rarely comes over but his bio mother is always calling my husband for attention to his child. This situation is driving me crazy. I hate his son and i him too. I feel all alone. I feel i came btw the bio mother, the son and father. I really feel getting married to my husband has made my relation worse. Help as im losing my head.

sem0097's picture

Ok, first of all, let me go ahead and apologize n advance for my rambling that is ab to take place. Stumbling upon this website was a godsend for me. I have been engaged to a wonderful man for 6 months and w are supposed to be getting married in 6 months, but despite how much I love this man and want to spend the rest of my life w him, I no longer think that I'm capable of dealing with the baggage that comes along w him. I've known my fiancé since we were kids and I moved away for college and for 10 years I never heard from or about him again until one day I received a message from him saying he now lived n the same town as i did ad was actually my neighbor, which neither of us knew until later. Anyway, he moved bc he was going thru a divorce and had 2 girls which he got every other weekend and halfof the summer and holidays. I didnt want to b n a relationship e him bc of the kids but I fell head over heels for him, reluctantly. I tried to get along with them at first. They were 8 and 4 and they walked all over him! Now after my fiancé and I decided to let his apartment go and him move into my house it has been a nightmare! The kids r now 10 and 6 and u absolutely hate every second they r here. They have only been n my house for 6 months but they r ungrateful, spoiled little brats. Every other weekend is hell for me. From the second they walk n the door they hang all over my fiancé, following him ar everywhere, even trying to go in the bathroom w him!! They youngest starts with that whiny voice acting all helpless asking my fiancé to to everything for her and he does!! The oldest is sooo manipulative and exactly like her trashy mother. They use him like a door may and the sad part is that he knows they r using him to buy them shit and take them places but he says he'd rather get attention from them like that than not to get it at all!! There r certain rules n MY house that obviously they have never had before, like sitting at the table when they eat, ir making their bed, saying yes ma'am and no ma'am (we r from Louisiana) that they act like they can't do and wont do when I'm not there bc they know their dad will do it for them! So then I come home to a disaster am expected to clean up after the little shits and when I get mad he tells me that I'm being too uptight!! Uptight??!! This is my house and im forced to seclude myself n my room bc they have taken over! It drives me crazy how he alway tries to coddle them which is why they take advantage of him all the time. He used to try to let the smallest n our bed and I sd HELL NO, so now he has to go lie down w them when they go to bed and go back an check on them sleeping like every 30 mins!! He knows how much they irritate me yet he is still trying to force me to go and do things with them like vacations, etc. now that the divorce is final and property settlement has been kicke off, he's now keeps talking ab wanting them to come live w us when they r old enough to decide or possibly trying to get full custody!! I told him that this is my house and that's not what I signed up for. I've been honest w him ab being reluctant to even start a relationship w him bc of his kids and now I have a hard enough time dealing w them web they r here and that I can't and won't deal w them being here full time. I don't know what to do anymore. I love this man so much and the only time we fight is when they r here but I'm second guessing whether or not it's worth it anymore. I hate who I become when they r here and I hate who my fiancé becomes, but I just don't know if I can leave him...or rather, make him and the devil children leave. Please help!!

sem0097's picture

O, one more thing. Im 27 and never been married and have no kids. I have always wanted children of my own, but ever since having to deal with my fiancé's heathens, I don't think i want kids anymore. People tell me that's it's different with your own kids but I'm still unsure. Everything I have ever wanted has now changed bc of them. I've been honest and told my fiancé that i don't think that I want kids anymore and he has had a vasectomy but tells me that he wants it reversed bc he wants us to hav kids. I think he's only telling me what he thinks I want to hear when n reality y Would u have a vasectomy if u thought u would ever want more kids?? I resent them for ruining my relationship And my dream for my life

tabithacat1980's picture

Thank gosh I found this site. I have been married just going on six months. I have two children boys nine and ten from a previous marriage and so does my spouse boys ten and four. We have my kids all of the time and his kids everyday except wednesday, thursday and every other weekend. My children are respectful and well behaved, our house is always clean, and I never have to remind them not to do things that they have been told not to do. his kids are animals, the minute they walk through that door our place is a horrendous mess and stays that way until they are gone again. they are rude and have to be constantly reminded not to do bad things. It has gone as far as one of the little animals peeing all over the bathroom and in the wastebasket. I completely withdraw the entire time they are at our place and stay in my room as much as possible. When they are over all I hear is my mom this and my mom that! I just want to scream!! I don't even want my children around the little heathens. Please help me, this is not what I signed up for. Is it wrong to think I want a divorce because I hate his monsters?

tabithacat1980's picture

I completely agree with you! My other half supports himself, but I do feel like I can't buy anything for my own kids without buying for his as well. Christmas I ended up buying 4 bikes instead of 2.

JayS's picture

Agreed. I try to be compassionate about the whole SS mess that I'm in personally, but you said it best. I'm a husband in this situation, but It is I who financially supports the whole household, and I accept that as part of being a husband. I grew tired too, of being told by my wife that "You don't like my kids. You only want to be around yours." (I have two sons who visit me every weekend) I finally said "You're absolutely right. My sons weren't raised to act like little spoiled demons..and your children are little spoiled demons. Keep them away from me pleae." It was a night of sleeping on the couch, but if there are issues that aren't being addressed, (in my case, mom coddled them for so many years that it's almost too late to turn it around) then the whole myth of unconditional love is proven to be just that; a myth. We shouldn't have to feel guilty because of children that are not ours in the biological sense are beyond our influence and we simply can't accept them. I've done everyhting a reponsible step father should do for them...and it's meant nothing to them. I'll do cartwheels the day the two of them leave for good.

maggie2011's picture

My SSs are, for the most part, really good kids. They are respectful of me as an authority figure and they tell me they love me. My husband is very understanding when I vent frustrations, whether they be about my situation or the kids. I never have to deal with the BM. Despite all these things, I don't like my SS very much either. They just don't have any attributes that draw me to them. They aren't cute kids, objectively speaking. They don't look anything like DH. Even friends have told me they aren't cute. It shouldn't matter, but if I thought they were adorable, it would help. They are almost 8, and still can't consistently wash their hands after the bathroom. I am a germophobe, so they gross me out. Just the other day I found a pair of little underwear thrown in the hamper with enough poop caked on them you could have scraped it off and spackled with it. Nasty Sad They have some attention problems, so they have to be told everything just about every day. I really try to love them and to be interested in them, but I find that I couldn't care less, and I constantly feel guilty about it. Since my husband has primary custody, and is a full-time student, I don't get to disengage much. It's so hard, and I hate it. I am SO thankful to have found this place, and all of you that understand.

tabithacat1980's picture

I was trying to be completely honest with my husband the other day, and I told him that I am beginning to dread when his kids come over and that I am really struggling with liking his kids as of late. He looked at me like I was absolutely stupid. He isn't working right now, so the next day I worked all day long only to come home from work with him completely pissed at me, because of our conversation the day before about me not liking his kids. I need a serious answer to the following question from someone that has been in a long time. If you would have known at the beginning that these feelings of not liking your skids would never get any better, possibly worse, would you have gotten out before you were too invested to do so?

JayS's picture

Good point. That's a tough question really. I broke up with my wife (long before we were married) because of her children running the household. I knew I couldn't be a part of that. But we fell in love. If I could go back in time though, I think I would honestly have cut my losses and stayed away. I've recently told my wife, as compassionately as possible, that I was prepared to leave for the sake of my own sanity if she didn't start addressing the discipline issues with her children (we're talking about yelling matches, the kids breaking toys, stomping around the house when they don't their way, and on and on.) It's a daily battle to get through the day without conflict. My own children don't enjoy being here anymore...something they tell me privately because they're afraid of hurting my wife's feelings...because they were raised with respect.

christinen's picture

I have also told my DH that I dread SD coming over and wish she didn't have to be here so much (she is with us every other week for the full week- joint custody). Does he care what I think or how I feel? Nope. He loves his little princess more than he loves his own wife, who he promised to love and respect for the rest of his life. Do I get any love or respect when little princess is around? Nope. And do I wish I had walked away before I got too involved with him? Absolutely. Anyone considering becoming a stepmom, RUN!!

hwashington's picture

I have thought about that myself alot..... when my ex and I split up and I started dating again I thought being with someone who was divorced as well and had a kid would be great. We would have that common history and we wouldn't want anymore kids. Now though I wish I could have just found someone with no kids, who didn't want his own kids but was ok with my son. I hate being a SM, it really blows!

hippiegirl's picture

Don't feel bad....I make excuses to leave when my SS comes over, and he's 24.

JayS's picture

Wow. Glad I found this forum! You're definitely not alone. MY father in law once said: "If you can't change the kids at age 4, you can't change them at age 14."
As in "change" I mean to influence and guide. When I met my wife, her children were 7 and 8, a boy and a girl. Now they're 11 and 12. I used to feel guilty too, because I really couldn't stand being near them. They ran their mother into the ground (she coddled them in an effort to compensate for her own guilt over their father leaving home in a separation) I've spent almost four years trying to influence them, be a part of their lives, etc etc. I now give up, and I simply tell my wife that I share a home with these children, and that's absolutely all it ever will be until they leave. I don't say that without cause; the stepson is lazy, sulky and very destructive. He's destroyed toys, furniture, he even attacked a cat one day and broke its legs by throwing it into the sidewalk...because he didn't get his way with mom. The stepdaughter argues, whines and calls her mother names. I am almost ready to leave myself...and I no longer feel guilty for avoiding the demon children day to day. Nor should you feel guilty. I really think that there's only so much a step-parent can do before he or she simply has to cut emotional ties. They have a set of biological parents who are ultimately responsible for shaping their lives. I would say to focus on the marriage as best you can. Your husband has to step up to plate ass well if there are discipline or attitude issues.

FionaCloones's picture

We'll said! I like what your father in law said, and it reinforces my experience. I have had no real influence oon how my stepson has been raised, even though I've been in his life since elementary school it was already too late.

sadtobeastepmom's picture

I married a man who has four kids. SD17 and SD15 live with us and SS11 and SD5 stay with us on the weekends and through most of the summer. The two teens are fairly well-behaved but they are slobs. Its like pulling teeth to get hem to do their daily chores. And the two younger ones are loud and very needy. They all love and respect me but I can't stand being around them. Especially when all four are together. I am a very quiet and introverted type. When all the kids are in one room, they are all arguing and talking loudly to be heard over each other. Even when they are getting along and having a good time, they give me a headache. They are all constantly in need or want of something from me (time/energy/things). Its gotten to the point that I hide myself away in my bedroom or workshop when I'm home and I am usually happliy looking forward to Monday and going back to work. My husband keeps telling me that the older girls need me and want me to be "more present" as a mother, and that really makes me feel angry towards him. The girls are typical silly, selfish, annoying teenage girls...did I mention I can't stand being around them?

My husband has recently expressed to me that he is really becoming annoyed and hurt and angry that I don't take a more active role in being their mom and spending more time with them. And I have told him with tears running down my face that I don' think I'm cut out to be a parent.

I don't know what to do. I really didn't think when I married him that I would end up hating this role. I love him dearly don't want to leave him.

KLM's picture

I am new to the site and it is SO good to now know I am not the only one that feels this way! I just want to take my BD2 and leave all the time when my SD11 is around but her father just got full custody, crappy BM, and she is here all the time!!!!! I just wanna pull out my hair! Ahhhhhh! It feels so crappy not feeling like your house is your exscape. It's bad when you get off of work and don't wanna come home!

So This Is It's picture

It feels like the words you wrote came directly from my mouth. Feels good to know I am not alone though.

dmm21395's picture certianly can't argue with an idiot. Just like you can't have a battle of wits with someone who's unarmed.

So This Is It's picture

I am so glad I found this site and your post. I just told my H that I don't love his BD8. It came out during an argument about something else. He stated that I have no idea how hard it is to deal with things that he deals with. I blew up inside and blurted out that he has no idea how hard it is to be me, living with a child I don't love. I went on and on about how I care about her as a human being, but that you can't force love and it's very very hard to deal with emotionally because I beat myself up thinking I am a horrible person for not loving a child. It weighs on my mind; it makes me feel like a cold-hearted person. He cried and cried. It's the most emotion I've ever seen from that man. But seeing him cry like that didn't make me feel bad. All of a sudden, I felt relieved, like I finally got it out. I felt good for a moment. But now, a couple hours later, I am back to feeling like an a**hole. I am a jerk and I hurt my H so badly that I feel like I should leave and move away. Being a stepmom is the hardest thing I have ever done. And I regret it a lot and I find myself resenting my husband a lot.

dmm21395's picture

Thank God for your post. I've been feeling horrible about the resentment I feel at times. I feel like the anti-social, mean bitch for feeling this way sometimes.

christinen's picture

My DH is the same way. The only time he shows any emotion is when SD is involved. I'm glad you got it out.

helenasky's picture

I know how you feel. I finally had it out with my partner too. told him I don't like his child. It was awful. But, reality is, you can't force yourself to love or like someone, and I guess its better to address the elephant in the room, rather than sitting around pretending. Maybe the best you can hope for is to have an understanding about the fact that you don't like his child, that you will do your best to be kind, but that you need him to take responsibility for his child so as to not build any further resentments. I told my partner how difficult it was to be stuck doing the laundry, cleaning, making dinner, lunches, breakfast for a kid I didn't really like.

Diva32's picture

I totally agree with you. My SD is so jealous
if my husband kisses and hugs me, here she come
wanting to get in between us. We have never had
a relationship because of her jealous ways and
the fact she has no manners. I am totally embarassed
when we go out around friends and family. I
also thought that she would grow out of it, but
that never happened. I am so tired of this rude
little girl.

christinen's picture

Diva32- Wow, my SD is the exact same way. I can't even sit on the couch next to my own husband without the little brat squeezing her way in between us. It is infuritating. I feel like the other woman.

dmm21395's picture

Wouldn't it just be lovley if the BM or BD, depending on your situation, would just "dissapear" in the desert outside of Las Vegas?

When someone says, " Think of a happy place"...thats where I go. Sorry...just a little venting

christinen's picture

You are definitely not alone! I can't STAND my SD. It's horrible because we have her every other week for the FULL week. I dread her coming & can't wait for her to be gone. The crazy part is she actually does like me, but it's almost like she has a split personality. One minute we are baking cupcakes together or she is asking to watch our wedding video and the next she is screaming for daddy and behaving like a spoiled brat. I think if DH would come to realize I am his WIFE and SHE is the CHILD, we would all be much better off, but that time has yet to come. We have even tried counseling. While you are not alone, the biggest piece of advice I can give to anyone who has not yet married into this type of never-ending mess is DO NOT BECOME A STEPMOTHER! It does NOT get better. EVER.

janeyc's picture

Im sorry that you feel this way, I know how hard it is, would some family counselling help? Things got so bad for me, I had to threaten to leave, things are a lot better now, though it took a lot of hard work, I used to think to myself, how can I hate a 5yr old little girl, but I did, she made my life hell though, with a lot of effort we spent some quality time together and built on that, you are not abnormal for feeling this way, many other also feel the same way, why do you think they are so withdrawn?

helenasky's picture

My partner and I have been together for 3 and a half years now. I have 3 children of my own, he has 2, and we are about to adopt a child together. For the majority of the time we have been together, his children have spent a few days at a time with us. Recently the children switched to a week on week off regime, and I have suddenly come to terms with the fact that I don't really like his son. I suppose, having them for only a few days made the situation tolerable, but half time has made me realize how annoying I find him, and that I just don't like him. The kids are 4 and 7. I've been in the little girls life since she was a newborn, so she calls me mom and we have a fairly good relationship. I feel horrible that I haven't been able to learn to love and like the son, but he is just so different than my kids or my family. The son is very cold. He just wants to stuff his face in a video game or sit in front of the TV all day. He goes out of his way to trip or hurt the other kids in the house, and makes fun of other kids he thinks are not as "smart" as he is. The little girl is quickly becoming an unpleasant child and this worries me. She is a master manipulator with a snotty attitude. Every time she gets in trouble, she tilts her head sideways and just spews "I love you dada." It's just so disgusting it makes me want to puke. Top that off with her laziness and unwillingness to do anything for herself (at 4,she won't even get herself dressed), and I just can't stand it. My partner and I were planning on getting married, and adopting a child together, but I've started thinking this is a huge mistake. I see all the comments from people about how the kids get older and produce the "can do no wrong" grandkids, and I see a bleak future. My partner is not the kind who sees no fault in his kids. He is always asking for advice on how to better parent his kids, understanding that a lot of their snotty attitude comes from living with a mother who is more interested in facebook than she is in her kids. That said, I grew up with a stepmother who tolerated my existence, and it was no fun. I do my best to be nice to the kids, and they certainly seem happy enough to be with me, but I wonder if I will ever be able to like the son, and worry that somewhere down the road I will find myself liking his daughter less and less. I'm not really sure what to do. I've told my partner, that I am worried about making a lifelong committment to someone whose child I do not like. He seems confident we will work through it. I'm feeling like I will end up like many of the people posting here, exhausted from trying so hard to manage an unpleasant situation.

janeyc's picture

If you are a bad person then I am too, it depends on my mood really, sometimes I just don't want it, my sd6 is very demanding, she wants my attention all of the time, she is also very noisy, she can't do anything quietly, as someone else said you fell in love with their father.

Alwayslasttoday's picture

I am so glad I found this site as I too thought I was the only one who felt like this. I TOTALLY WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE with all the comments here. I am in my 40s, have never had children (I just never found the right person!), am with a man in his 40s who has three children: 12yrs (boy), 21 yrs (boy) and 22 yrs (girl). His children have caused, and do cause, no end of problems in our relationship which he does not see. The youngest is very, very spoilt and appears to me to have no feelings for his father whatsoever. He never wants to come and see him unless it’s at Xmas, his birthday or we are having a party, which he feels he would miss out on if he did not attend. When he does come round all he will do is play on the Playstation and not interact at all. Nine times out of ten, as soon as he’s eaten his tea with us he immediately wants to go home. He never buys his dad a father’s day or birthday present – not that I expect much from a child but a bar of chocolate as a token gift would not go a miss!!!! His 22 yr old did not like his last girlfriend and went so far as to send him an email saying that as long as he was with her, he was dead to her!! Understandably that relationship never lasted and the lady in question hated his children. The 22 yr old is at University doing her finals and secured funding. She goes out partying all the time and has been on holiday twice this year. However, when I lost my job a few months ago about a week later she called her dad and had a hissy fit over the phone saying that she was giving it all up as she could not pay her rent unless her dad did. Her dad has agreed to pay it for her. She said her course does not finish until Sept – so can he pay until then – and yet I know for a fact that it finishes in June. We are struggling financially as I am out of work and cannot find a job despite trying very hard. My parents strongly feel that she’s bitter knowing that her dad is keeping me so has asked for her rent to be paid by him. I do buy all the food though out of the very little benefits I receive. I am not proud to receive benefit and I receive very little as I live with a man. I only receive £67 a week. Having read all these comments and putting up with the situation for the last two years, I know that I should leave. However, I feel so low in myself at the moment as I am out of work and have no friends – due to having dropped most of them being with him. The only place I have to go is back to my parents who are approaching 70 yrs! I know there’s nothing really anyone can say, but my advice to anyone else out there considering entering a relationship with a man with children would be DON’T!!!! Especially if you don’t have children yourself as that’s even harder. He will often throw in my face that I don’t have kids so I will never understand. For instance, he said to me the other day “Who was the last person who said thank you to you”. I could not remember. Then he said I know who said it to me, it was my kids!

Sydsmomma's picture

I just love that there is a place to vent. I really just want to cry writing this cause I have absolutly no love feelings toward my stepkids. Not that I hate them by anymeans but they are just so different than what we raise our daughter. In their mom's household it is no big deal to not shower, not brush your teeth, take pride in your apperance, and take care of your things. It just really bugs me and we've tried talking to them you know you need to take pride in your appreance, nothing unless we force them to they won't shower for days. I just honesly don't want any of there bad habbits or manners rubbing off on our child. I'm sorry if it makes me sound mean or bad, but we have tried correcting them and by 8 and 10 they are just set in there ways. They came into our lives 2 years ago, my husband had the 1st at young age and the mom moved around a bunch and wouldn't let him have anything to do with the child. Same lady uses her kid as a pawn and says if you want to see her you have to be with me. Him being young and dumb does it and sleeps with her once and 6 years later on Face Book she contacts him to say i think this may be your kid too. IT has caused alot of stress just that situation alone in our marriage. Now we deal with him thinking I hate his kids because of their mother. I honestly don't like her, but I just feel no connection with them. I dread them comeing over 2 days a week and try to make myself busy. It makes me just hate that I do that and even my friends have noticed a change in me. I always get you used to be so bubbly and outgoing what happened. Somedays I wonder if I divorced my husband would it make it better, because me not connecting with them is the only thing me fight about. I really love him and I think that would just be the easy way out. To be honest though if I knew all this ahead of time I doubt I would have ever married him. It doesn't help he has his mom commenting in his ear all the time how unfair I am and that I give our daughter so much more. Heck YES I do, she is my daghter who lives with us full time. Not to mention the SD's see me I think as compition every time I go anywhere near my husband the oldest most of all feels the need to lunge right at him. I've tried talking to them I get nothing. I know leavein my husband over all this would be the easy way out, but I just can't help but wonder like I said if I truely would be happy from less stress.

Sydsmomma's picture

I just love that there is a place to vent. I really just want to cry writing this cause I have absolutly no love feelings toward my stepkids. Not that I hate them by anymeans but they are just so different than what we raise our daughter. In their mom's household it is no big deal to not shower, not brush your teeth, take pride in your apperance, and take care of your things. It just really bugs me and we've tried talking to them you know you need to take pride in your appreance, nothing unless we force them to they won't shower for days. I just honesly don't want any of there bad habbits or manners rubbing off on our child. I'm sorry if it makes me sound mean or bad, but we have tried correcting them and by 8 and 10 they are just set in there ways. They came into our lives 2 years ago, my husband had the 1st at young age and the mom moved around a bunch and wouldn't let him have anything to do with the child. Same lady uses her kid as a pawn and says if you want to see her you have to be with me. Him being young and dumb does it and sleeps with her once and 6 years later on Face Book she contacts him to say i think this may be your kid too. IT has caused alot of stress just that situation alone in our marriage. Now we deal with him thinking I hate his kids because of their mother. I honestly don't like her, but I just feel no connection with them. I dread them comeing over 2 days a week and try to make myself busy. It makes me just hate that I do that and even my friends have noticed a change in me. I always get you used to be so bubbly and outgoing what happened. Somedays I wonder if I divorced my husband would it make it better, because me not connecting with them is the only thing me fight about. I really love him and I think that would just be the easy way out. To be honest though if I knew all this ahead of time I doubt I would have ever married him. It doesn't help he has his mom commenting in his ear all the time how unfair I am and that I give our daughter so much more. Heck YES I do, she is my daghter who lives with us full time. Not to mention the SD's see me I think as compition every time I go anywhere near my husband the oldest most of all feels the need to lunge right at him. I've tried talking to them I get nothing. I know leavein my husband over all this would be the easy way out, but I just can't help but wonder like I said if I truely would be happy from less stress.

Sydsmomma's picture

I just love that there is a place to vent. I really just want to cry writing this cause I have absolutly no love feelings toward my stepkids. Not that I hate them by anymeans but they are just so different than what we raise our daughter. In their mom's household it is no big deal to not shower, not brush your teeth, take pride in your apperance, and take care of your things. It just really bugs me and we've tried talking to them you know you need to take pride in your appreance, nothing unless we force them to they won't shower for days. I just honesly don't want any of there bad habbits or manners rubbing off on our child. I'm sorry if it makes me sound mean or bad, but we have tried correcting them and by 8 and 10 they are just set in there ways. They came into our lives 2 years ago, my husband had the 1st at young age and the mom moved around a bunch and wouldn't let him have anything to do with the child. Same lady uses her kid as a pawn and says if you want to see her you have to be with me. Him being young and dumb does it and sleeps with her once and 6 years later on Face Book she contacts him to say i think this may be your kid too. IT has caused alot of stress just that situation alone in our marriage. Now we deal with him thinking I hate his kids because of their mother. I honestly don't like her, but I just feel no connection with them. I dread them comeing over 2 days a week and try to make myself busy. It makes me just hate that I do that and even my friends have noticed a change in me. I always get you used to be so bubbly and outgoing what happened. Somedays I wonder if I divorced my husband would it make it better, because me not connecting with them is the only thing me fight about. I really love him and I think that would just be the easy way out. To be honest though if I knew all this ahead of time I doubt I would have ever married him. It doesn't help he has his mom commenting in his ear all the time how unfair I am and that I give our daughter so much more. Heck YES I do, she is my daghter who lives with us full time. Not to mention the SD's see me I think as compition every time I go anywhere near my husband the oldest most of all feels the need to lunge right at him. I've tried talking to them I get nothing. I know leavein my husband over all this would be the easy way out, but I just can't help but wonder like I said if I truely would be happy from less stress.

Shareitwithme's picture

It is a huge relief to find out that I am not alone in having such hateful feelings for my SS. I have 2 stepchildren, an SD now 23 and an SS now 19. 3 yrs ago I moved out because it was such a nightmare living with them - I had suffered for nearly 4 yrs with very similar problems to those described here. SS was particularly difficult, getting into trouble at school, stealing, lying, breaking my things, wrecking his room and being thoroughly disgusting. My DH said he was 'normal' but it certainly wasn't my idea of normal behaviour. Anyway, my DH and I agreed that we would live apart until the kids were old enough to go their own ways and then we would get back together. It was the best thing I did for all of us. I was much less stressed, although a little lonely without my husband, and the kids seemed to become better people (though still a few problems) and now they both have jobs and are not getting into any trouble. I think at 23 and 19 the skids are now perfectly old enough to look after themselves. My idea is that they can live in my husband's house and my husband come and live with me. He would still be there for them - not far away - and he could visit any time and they could visit us. It would make sense economically and in every way. I get on with both the kids now, although my husband tends to keep me away from them. But now my husband seems to prefer to be with them than with me. He visits me at weekends and occasionally for an hour or two through the week. He says he does want to get back together with me but not yet. I don't understand it, now is the perfect time. The kids can manage without him being there full time - they're grown up now and all credit to him for helping them to become the fairly well adjusted young adults they now are. I just feel that I've gone through all this agony and waiting and I'm really not sure that my husband really wants to be with me. I feel I've been used and kept dangling on a string waiting and its never going to happen. At nearly 60 yrs old, I don't want another divorce but I don't want to be alone either. This is awful. What do you think? Should I tell him he must come to me or it's divorce and move on (at my age) or should I put up with this semi-marriage until he decides the time is right which might be sometime or never? I really feel like I'm the bottom of the heap and not the most important person in my husband's life, like I should be. I appreciate wholeheartedly that parents need to put their children first, but surely once they're old enough, its time to let them go and get on with your own life? I'm damn sure I'm worth better than this.

marycecille's picture

Hello shareitwithme! I'm sorry you had to experience this, I had to reply to you because I had been dreading for this day to happen to me. I'm being stressed with my stepdaughter and afraid that 1 day I'll just stepped out of the house and the worst thing is I know my partner will not go with me. Of course he'll chose to stay with his daughter which is understandable but heart breaking for me.

At your age, you should be with someone who will look after you or just be with you. You have already done your part when you moved out to give way for the kids and now that they are grown ups, your husband should now give time to fix his relationship with you. Do not be afraid of divorce just coz you are 60. And when will it ever be right for him, it's not like your teenagers and have all the time in the world. If he wants to be with you, then be with you. It's not fair for you waiting for him without knowing if it will ever come so tell him that he needs to sort himself out!

hippiegirl's picture

No you're not a bad person. Would you think you were bad for not liking a pebble in your shoe? Cause that's what skids are like.'s picture

Yeah I am not sure when I started to hate them. Maybe it was when they played thier little games from BM's house. Maybe it was when I asked my 5yr SS to do something and he rolled his eyes. Maybe it was when I asked their dad to parent them and he played his little game of non parenting and made me look like the bad one. Or maybe it was when I saw that when his kids are here he pulls out the parenting card, when mine are here, everything is piled on me, including his kids at times. I feel like a slave, in a tired worn out sexless marriage. A slave. My actions are getting worse. I make ALOT of negative comments because I am not happy and feel stuck. I also feel dread, depressed and angry when they show their faces. I wonder if the marbles in their heads are spinning too fast because they don't listen. And you can see the toxicficatin from that bitch of a mother, how many times do i have to convince them I am not the bitch things their mother says or that their dad loves them or what the hell else. Why do I have to fight with them to put their shit away, or stop jumping on the couch or how about close the door when you take a bath and your 7.5. I also can't lay with my kids anymore and they are getting bigger, because we had a baby but his brats alwqays get their spoiled backs rubbed. \the resentment grows. Whatever....

marycecille's picture

Hi there! I'm new to this site. I just googled how to deal with stepchild you don't like. Me and my partner have a very great relationship until his eldest daughter came to live with us. I am so unhappy but I can't tell him straight, I know it will make him really sad if I said so. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling but even if she doesn't do anything wrong, I am already annoyed with her of course the more when she does things. She's this kind of teenager who retaliates all the time and she tries to get away with a lots of things if her dad is around. She won't do things unless you tell her to do so and she tries to shortcut doing the chores. She wakes up very early during school days to apply on make up and to straighten her hair and she'll wake up late during weekends. She will watch TV, go on computer at the same time. You'll try to give her curfew on using the internet but most of the time she will say that she's not done yet with homework which of course I do not believe. Unfortunately, my partner does or maybe he just let her get away with it. What annoys me more is that my partner seems to always give reasons for her attitude!

Our lives have totally changed because of her it makes me really really sad. I have been feeling so bad lately and I wish I can just brush everything off. We fight a lot lately because of her and everytime I tell him about the things she does, he'll stop me. He even said that the problem with me is I compete with the kids which made me so furious. I can understand he wants to spend time with them but I think we also need time to be alone and it seems harder to do it eversince she arrived. She is just always around annoying me. I hope I'm not a bad person for feeling this. Sad

KCMama's picture

SOOOO...I'm new on here and THANK YOU for letting me realize I'm not alone. My question to the group is how do you handle it with your spouse? How do you say, "Honey, I love you, and I will always make sure your children are well cared for, BUT...I can't stand them and really can't wait until they aren't around?" :jawdrop:

turtlelilou's picture

I am so glad to read all of you. I have been with my boyfriend nearly 3 years now, he has a 9 year old and had also a 15 year old step son, but he has decided he didn t want to come to us any more (thank god I have never seen such an unsocial kid!). The first 2 years were horrible, very unstable, as basically after his divorce my bf would just get the kids whenever his ex was working. She was working shifts so we would know her schedule 3 weeks isn advance, that was driving me crazy. If we wanted a weekend of we had to ask her etc.
Until end last year where I really couldn't take it any more, and my bf realised that it wasn;t great indeed and for the kids not great either. So he spoke to his ex and now we have got them (well only her now) 1 week a month. Our life has improved a lot, we do not depend on his ex's life. But I still have a pb with the daughter. I simply can;t stand the sight of her.
As most of you, I feel very guilty and wondering what is wrong with me etc. She is not a bad kid, from what I am reading it could be a lot worse. But I simply can;t stand her. I don t see a quality in her. And she is the only subject of argument between her dad and I. When she is not there, everything is perfect. I find myself wishing that she would do like her brother and not want to come any more. And I feel so bad for thinking that.
I do not know what to do. I dont know if those 2 years of nightmare has affected me and that I still take it on her or what, sometimes I feel jealous of her. Like the other day my bf changed his background picture on his phone from one of me to one of her and him. I felt really upset. But it s not like it was another woman. It s his daughter after all. And I was still on the home screen lol. But all those kind of little things upset me, I don t know why I am jealous like that it is completely stupid I know he lvoes me, but I can t help it. And cant help hating her guts.
I was thinking of going to see a psychiatrist etc, I just don t know what to do. And all those posts about the step grand kids that will come are scaring me too. But I don t see myself spliiting up with him, he is the love of my life and we love each other madly. The only shadow is her and I feel that the pb comes from me.
I just d ont know what to do. When I can I go and see my friends when she is at home, but that just deepens the gap between us. Now she never comes to me, if she goes out she says goodbye to him not to me, which in a way I have created, because I ignore her too most of the time (do nt get me wrong I am polite and say hi and bye to her, but not much more conversation).
I am scared of thinking that in a couple of years she is going to be a teenager and I ll stand her even less, if that s even possible. I know people tell me "why did you get with him you knew he had kids", but you don t choose those things, I fell in love I couldn t control that. If I could that would be so much easier believe me.
It helped to read that I am not the only one in the situation.
I feel lost, I don t know what to do ...

AllICanDo's picture

I am stepmom to two girls and I have a son and daughter of my own. My husband and I have been together since his daughters were 1 and 3 and my two were 2 and 4. At first, it wasn't all that bad. We were both going through a divorce and had our custody arrangements in place with the exes and everything was going smoothly. MY DH's ex tried to play her tricks a few times, but we squashed them pretty quickly. Then my ex passed away and my two children were living with us full-time. We now had all four children together full-time because my DH's ex decided that drugs were more important than her kids. Since then, my skids have done nothing but try to ruin the relationship between my kids and their stepdad and me and their dad. Everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie and they try so desperately to get me in trouble with their mom. I can't stand them. I'm losing my mind and I absolutely positively feel no love for them. I feel bad because my kids look at my husband as their dad because their bio dad passed away. Some how I feel that his kids should be able to look at me the same way if they so choose, but their mom is still living. We've done nothing but deal with problem after problem with them and I can't imagine how things are going to be when they are older (they are now 5 and 7). My concern is my two children and making sure they are cared for as I am now the only biological parent they have left. Maybe things would be different if my skids mom was out of the picture because I know she is the main source of some of these issues, but I really don't think that is going to change how I feel about them. They are the total opposite of my kids and I know I shouldn't compare, but it's frustrating to no end. Of course, I love my husband, but I often wonder how much more simple life would be if it were just my kids and I.

Stepto2-mom1's picture

This site is amazing I had no idea it existed and I am so happy to see I am not alone! When I meet my H his two D were 5 and 6 there BM was a mess and still is.. When they were 8 and 9, my H and I had a Daughter ( now 3 ) we have been through 2 court battles with BM and my oldest SD hates us ( just as of last summer ) the other SD lives here full time but doesnt repect anything or anyone,even herself ( never cleans up, brushes hair, teeth, nothing! ) I am so tired of all of the drama in my home I love my H, but I can not stand being around my SKids!! It wasnt bad in the begining but now it is AWFUL!! I honestly dont want to come home or do anything when they are around.. I try to do everything I want to do fun while they are gone or at school.. I dont want my own daughter ( their half sister ) around them just because I dont want her to grow up thinking what they do is okay.. My H goes to a counselor with them along wtih their BM and the couselor wants me to go to.. I will not go!! that is not my issue and honestly I dont want my daughter around it!! I feel like my only way out of this is seperation from my H who I love very very much, but I know I cant for my daughters sake.. Looks like I'm taking one for the team. Sad's picture

Your not bad, you are normal. Thank god for this site. I fuckin hate my step kids at times and I am glad I can freely feel it for atleast a few minutes without being judged. I hate my FRAUD of a husband and how he puts on his BIG BOY DADDY PANTS when those Fuckheads show up and ignore the fact that there is 3 other kids in the house. FUCK YOU! Resentment is welled up inside me. I am so sick to death of it. I am so sick of his FUCKHEAD X and all the games she plays. And i am sick of being told BY him we have NO FUTURE because finacially we are fucked because of all the support going out the door for those spoiled little shit heads. Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. That is what I say. I think I want out. But I am scared. And I will NEVER FUCKIN AGAIN meet someone or date someone with the fuckin baggage and with someone whom has KIDS. Never again. I have a great relationship with my x, I am sure I can manage something with him. I am so tired of this thankless, SLAVE LABOUR with no benefits to me as a wife, just an endless pile of shitty work.

maleficent2011's picture

I see that you are obviously having a hard time and I feel for you, but I want to thank you for this post because it made me laugh harder than I have for a VERY long time because you articulated so perfectly some of the resentment I feel. It was just so perfect. I hear those same phrases in my head all the time! Hope things get better for you (and me too)!

overwhelmedSM's picture

Bear with me as I relate my tale...

I have been with my partner for almost 4 and a half years. When I met him he had split with his ex 6 months previously. They had one child. At first, and for quite some time, I was sympathetic to his ex's plight as he had left her and her ego was damaged and she was clearly devastated. My partner's family serve as the middle man between arrangements for access.

I was informed that I would be kept a secret from my partners ex until it became serious. I agreed to this, regrettably in hindsight. I live in a small one-bedroom flat which my partner moved in with me. I was still kept a secret. His parents borught his child over to stay every weekend. I was still kept a secret. I slept on my living room floor to allow the child to sleep with his father in MY bed. I was still kept a secret. In other words I played ball and I was kept a secret for a full eight months of living together before the ex found out about me. And she didn't find out about me from any of the adults - her child mentioned my name.

Years down the line and I have been verbally abused, had messages from the ex through the child, been slated on the internet, received drunken voicemails and received snide comments from the ex. I feel I have had no support or defence from my partners or his family. They are aboslutely terrified of her. When I try to defend myself I am told not to lower myself. When I try to reason with them that I have her child in my house, talking over my house, 90% of the week (because you know, she's such a great mum) I am told that I am out of order taking it out on the kid.

I don't like this child. I hide in my bedroom when he comes as he takes over my living room by playing the Xbox and I don't want to listen to guns and bombs going off all day long. I feel completely depressed about my situation. I have tried to break up with my partner but he always fights to get me back and I am reminded that it is him that I love.

I have recently discovered I am pregnant and the pressure has been further added by them all telling me that I need to make sure that this kid whos isnt mine should have a room of his own. I have applied for houses and been informed that as this child is not my priority then he is not entitled to his own room particularly as his mother doesn't want him staying over with me. Yet his family are still at ME to get it sorted. I spend 3 - 4 hours at night just thinking about this and during the day I just sit and cry wondering how my life got to this.

Just Trying Avoidance's picture

People are always saying that having a child in your life is such a blessing and act like its easy to like and love your step-kids just like they are your own. I kept thinking there must be something wrong with me because I dread when its our week to have my stepdaughter. She is 10 and is with us every other week. I have been with her dad for seven years and it hasn't gotten any easier. The weeks that she is at her mom's are so pleasant, they fly by and are drama and chaos free, its wonderful! Then she comes to our house and I seem to be in a constant state of annoyance, am very easily irritated and those weeks feel like they are a month long.
I think part of the problem is just the step-parent role in general. It's hard to know what's your responsibility and what isn't. The lines are blurry. My husband is a great dad and loves to be with her but he isn't extremely responsible as far as making sure homework is done, teeth are brushed, regular bedtimes, and he is such a pushover and lets her get away with acting like a jerk. If she acts up, he and her biological mom make excuses for her or blame it on someone else (like blaming it on a 'bad influence' friend) instead of showing some boundaries and discipline. It drives me absolutely crazy because essentially she can get away with anything with no consequences and she knows it. If I speak up and say something like "do you have any homework tonight" or "its getting close to bedtime" it instantly puts me in the bad guy role. I'm the one ruining the fun. But as much as she annoys me, I want her to do well in school. I also NEED my quiet time so if dad isn't putting her to bed, I certainly don't want to deal with her all night! Am I supposed to just not say anything and allow her to stay up until dad finally notices how late it is? I am the one to get her up and ready for school in the morning so if she isn't well rested, guess who pays for it the next day?
And dad is a push over. He will say one thing, but if she whines a little she knows she will get her way and does the vast majority of the time. The whining is like fingernails on a chalkboard. I don't handle it well.
Sometimes I feel so awful because my husband will say "isn't she so cute" or "she's so awesome", which is great for a dad to feel that way about his daughter, but I just kind of smile and nod. I don't think she's cute, I don't think she's awesome. I think she has no interests outside of TV watching, she is not a good student, she has no interest to be good at anything. I have nieces that I adore. I think my nieces are cute and awesome. Each of them have interests, things they excel at, whether its sports, school, music or whatever. Is it just because my nieces are blood related that I feel that way? But my brother and sister have more structure in their houses, more rules to abide by. My nieces have to do their homework and are expected to do their best. My stepdaughter throws a crying fit any time she is asked to do her homework! And she cannot do it on her own, you have to physically sit with her so that she will do it. That can't continue to happen. Is she going to throw crying fits in high school when she has a term paper to write? And are her mom and dad going to write it for her? I know all kids are different, but I can't help but feel if her dad and mom were more firm with her, had clear expectations, and were CONSISTENT about it, that she would have more success at things. But again, I'm the step-mom. I offer my opinion to my husband and he normally agrees, but he is horrible about following through. So I have to sit back, grit my teeth, put on a fake smile and deal. She isn't my child after all.
I hadn't even thought about step-grandkids yet until I read this thread. How depressing!!! But at least step-grandkids will most likely only visit. Unless my unmotivated, undisciplined step-daughter can't make it on her own and moves to our house with them. I'm going to have nightmares now I think.
I'm glad this website is here. It's nice just to vent. If I try to talk to anyone about how I feel, I think they would think I'm the evil step-mother.
I want to like her and enjoy our time together and every once in awhile I actually do! But most of the time I really hate having her around. I just try my best to avoid her when she's around. I find myself hiding in my bedroom a lot. I wasn't totally sure if I ever wanted to have kids of my own, but after her, nope, no way, no more kids.

Just Trying Avoidance's picture

Not to mention that I am, as many others have put it, the "slave" in the house. I do the cooking, cleaning, babysitter, etc. I've been trying really hard to not be put in the babysitter role anymore. I make up excuses or find something to do so that I'm not available. But then she goes to her grandparents house and the grandparents (my hubands parents) treat me like I'm neglecting and pawning off MY duty. Excuse me, she is not my child! I am reminded of that every time she needs to be disciplined and isn't. Every time she's allowed to blow off her homework. Every time she is allowed to act like a brat.
The other day I bought a brand new living room set, over $2000 that I spent on it. But she comes over, plops on the couch and watches her garbage TV shows and do I end up enjoying MY new furniture? No, I hide in my bedroom as usual because I cannot tolerate that garbage and noise. Anytime I try to talk to my husband, she's interrupting and interjecting herself into the conversation. ARGH!
I don't hate her. I'm just extremely annoyed by her. And I'm annoyed by how her mom and dad parent her. She has potential, but my husband and her mom are really dropping the ball. And as the step-parent, I feel helpless to watch her grow up barely scraping by.

xtina's picture

i feel for you, sister! My bf has 2 boys and i have 1 so we talk about having a baby together one day in hopes of getting a girl, but after suffering through a week of hell with my bf's kids every other week, I have decided I DON'T WANT ANY MORE. I don't want to sit back and watch my BF baby and spoil his "perfect angels" and let our child fall to the wayside. Because I know that's how it will be. It's frustrating to sit by and watch him and the kids' mom not do the parenting duties because from the outside, we can see what they are doing wrong and how the kid can be parented differently. It's beyond frustrating. My bf's son is 3 and NEEDS to be potty trained because he poops like 6 times a day and it smells up my house. I'm frustrated beyond words with the situation. I can't imagine what I was like as a bratty stepchild when I was younger, I imagine I was no treat for my step mom. We are close now, but I almost want to call and apologize to her! Haha Smile
My advice to you is... just be glad you are NOT this girl's mother.. and if you choose, you don't have to do anything!! It is your house and your rules. If you want to sit on your butt and let him deal with HIS daugher, then you do it! Tell that brat to SCRAM. I don't give a crap about coming off evil. The kids are the evil ones. It is near impossible to feel love and bonding with kids that are not your own. I don't feel like my BF's kids are cute or awesome. After all, they are NOT MINE.

scarpetta's picture

You are not a bad person for having these feelings. I feel the same way about my 2 SD's who will not be old enough to move out for few years. I too am the older spouse and my children are 19 (daughter) & 22 (son). My son has been in the Army for 4 years now and my daughter will be leaving for boot camp in January. They both were driven away by my overbearing tyrant of a husband ~ meanwhile he treats his daughters (14 & 16) like little princesses because he never "sees" them do anything wrong. That's because they do all their acting out at their bio-mom's house and pretend to be angels at his/my house. Their mother lies for them and hides things (like poor grades) from my husband so he thinks they're doing what they're supposed. Inevitably, he finds out and he yells at them for an hour, but no real punishment follows. Not so for my kids ~ they were put on lockdown for every tiny infraction over the years. My husband's girls never ask to do anything or want to spend time with friends. So, in his eyes, they need special attention because they don't feel comfortable enough in our home to act like normal teenage girls. They are passive-aggressive and sneaky. I hate every weekend because they're always there and I can't escape them. And, if I act true to my feelings (like they're bugging the hell out of me), my husband gets mad and treats my daughter like crap (even though he actually adopted her 3 years ago!). I am worried that when my daughter leaves, he will turn all his attention to my SD's and try to spend exhorbitant amounts of money on them, etc. He's already warned me that once my daughter leaves everything is going to be about his girls. I told him I will not stand for it and he gave me a smug little smile and walked away. Later I told him that if he wants to play this game I will just divorce him and take 1/2 his money and then we'll see how much he can spend on his spoiled brats!! I love my husband, but I haven't LIKED him for a long time because of how he's treated my children. If I had it to do all over again, I would never have married him!!! ONE BIG FAT DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!

xtina's picture

Wow am I glad I found this site! I have developed horrible anxiety over my issues with my "skids" (love the nickname) Here's my story and I really need some advice! My boyfriend and i have been together 4 months and he is my soulmate. We are both in our late 20's. I have a 2.5 year old son and he has a 5 year old son and 3 year old son. They have different mothers. The 3 year old is with us every other week and the 5 year old every other weekend (we have them on the same weekends) and my son goes to his dad every weekend. My bf is beyond amazing and treats me like a queen and everything between is perfect. I could go on forever with positive things about him. In the beginning things with our kids were fine. My son loved having playmates and the Skids were well behaved... BUT as time went on they have gotten to be horrible. Let's talk about the 3 year old (who we have 50% of the time) He is whiny and mean to my son and LOUD and my bf gives in to his every need. It's always "I'M HUNGRY" "I POOPED" "I THIRSTY' in the most annoying voice you can ever imagine. His dad feeds him whenever he wants and the kid poops once an hour (not potty trained). This little boy is beyond annoying. It's gotten to the point where I am not even trying to pretend to like him. The 5 year old is a little different. Annoying in the asking a thousand questions kind of way and is a big tattletale.
On the other hand, my son is terribly 2 and yes he is naughty too. and I'm sure my BF can't stand him either. He doesn't treat my son the way he did in the beginning and vice versa. When his kids are around, tension is SO high. I think my BF knows I can't stand his kids and it's not his fault. Our relationship is perfect other than my feelings about his kids. I feel like in the future this may become an even bigger issue, but I am not willing to forgo this perfect man because of his A-hole kids. Please help! What do I do? How do I begin dealing with this or bringing it up to my BF? Thanks and good luck to everyone else, too! }:)

Crazymommaof4's picture

Well I am thrilled to find everyone on here! My situation is a tad different I'm the stepmom to be but now have second thoughts never thought it would be this hard!

AndyMoon's picture

I'm also happy I found this site! I am tired of being judged for not loving my stepkids. Love takes time, and it's been less than 2 years. Their behavior doesn't help, either. After reading the other posts on here, I feel lucky because my H disciplines his kids and takes my suggestions (I do a lot of research to figure out how to handle the behaviors). I have a daughter,8, of my own who is with us most of the time. His daughters, 6 and 7, are with us 24/7 (to our chagrin) b/c their mom is too irresponsible to keep a house, car, job, or pretty much be a stable adult. She has dropped out of sight many times, leaving them with abandonment issues. After we all moved in together, I got them into therapy. The youngest got diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds. A year and a half later, they upped the dose enough that it is finally helping her. In the meantime, it is a constant battle to get her to behave. My daughter can't hardly stand her. I can't either most of the time. Constant not following rules, taking 2 hours to eat, peeing her pants, taking other girls stuff, making huge messes, hurting the pets............ it doesn't sound like much if you only look at one thing at a time, but when it's all day every day not behaving while the other girls seem to do it just fine, it is horrible. And I see the s-kids more than my own child which makes me resentful. We never get any time to ourselves b/c no one will babysit the youngest one due to her behavior.

I vent on facebook, and occasionally I get comments, almost always from non-stepparents, saying how the kids must pick up on the fact that I "dislike" them, etc. I don't dislike them. I am frustrated and overwhelmed, and I doubt there was anything I could've done to prepare myself for this. Add to that no child support, I am the main wage earner, and things I used to be able to do with my daughter I can no longer afford. How am I supposed to feel??

Frustr8d1's picture

whatthefuckever, lopper34. Step parents RARELY can even stand the sight of stepshits, much less live with them! Get used to it.

spudbiscuit's picture

I have a hard time with my girlfriends son. He's 11 and can be very annoying to me and very rude at times. The worst is when I'm alone with him, he is a completely different child. He doesn't listen, doesn't help out around the house. Instead when mom comes home he says hes scared to come home and that I'm not nice. All because I ask for a little help cleaning the house and trying to teach him to pick up after himself. I have to walk on egg shells with him, I have to say I will call your mom or dad just so he can do something simple as hey can you please clean your room its starting to smell a little bit. His mom and I talked about giving him chores but I cant enforce it and she doesn't even enforce it. I trully love his mom she has been amazing, its just I feel horrible that I don't like him or that finding a common ground is impossible with him.He has aspergers but I treat him like any other kid, I dont want him to use it as a way to get things even if he already is with his whole family. Hes a good kid when moms around but its just stressful. The other part is shes pregnant and I feel more for my unborn child than I do for him I hate this.

GillyWilly's picture

It's hard to be into something when your heart isn't and you have already done your parenting bit with grown kids. Are you able to do other things on the weekends you have them?

stepmothertothedevilincarnite's picture

I am glad I found this amazes me that when we come into this world, we do not get to decide who our parents will be, but somehow SKIDS take it among themselves to think they get a hand in choosing the Step parent... it makes sense that so many of us are so angry with the situation

Pinkymess's picture

Hello all, I was surprised to find out that im not the only one feeling this way. I can relate to this topic, even though I am not married to my boyfriend yet. I never in a million years thought I would date someone with kids, until I met my now boyfriend, I thought I would be able to handle this, even though it was something I already knew I didn’t want. Its been very difficult, I am only 26 years old, looking to settle down and live that fairytale with my prince charming, but that fairytale is far from what I want. He has two kids, I don’t dislike his kids and I don’t mind being around them on occasions of course. I love my boyfriend a lot! But I wish he didn’t have kids; I know it sounds very rude of me, but it’s the way I feel. I can really use some advice, what do I do in this situation, if madly in love with him but honestly I HATE that he has kids, I can somewhat say I get jealous because I don’t have him all to myself. Sad

MichelleM's picture

I am so glad that i have found this site, i struggle with a 9 year old girl and 5 year old boy, there is no connection and no love, i dont know if its because they arent my children and that is why i feel like when they are with me and my husband they are a nusiance and getting in the way, and i feel bad to feel this way but i sometimes wish we didnt have them when we do cause i enjoy being with my husband, but as soon as the kids are on the scene i no longer exist, the daughter is worse she is rude, smart alec, doesnt listen to you and i just get the feeling of "i really hate her" which is bad i know but at the same time i feel like who cares she isnt my own flesh and blood, i do look forward to having a little one of my own but as long as its not a girl i would rather boys much easier to handle ( at least for me this is the case). I think i am a bad person its such a bad way to think but i can not help it!
If you have any advice i would love to hear cause I dont know what else to do!

inwayovermyhead's picture

I have been thinking about this conumdrum of feeling bad for the way we feel, and so I am going to repost here what i have come up with and have posted on another thread:

As stepparents we are often times forced to deal with negative feelings towards children. This concept, in and of itself, is likely contrary to anything we have felt before in our lives. Not only is this confusing, but also surprising. I had no idea I would ever feel this way. I thought I was a loving and accepting person... this situation has exposed feelings that I did not know existed. Many of us are on a crazy journey in which nothing is as we thought it would be or is even as it appears to the the outside world. When this happens it is going to affect our mental health. I am constantly trying to figure out my feelings, and strategize for the future, which is not only distracting, but also absolutely exhausting. Based on what I have read on this site and elsewhere, I am comforted by the fact that these feelings are VERY NORMAL. It is nice to know that I am not alone!

darkhorse's picture

as a stepparent you get the responsibility without the rights, why would this work for anyone? The book STEPMONSTER, is a good read. I found it on this site and whenever I need to vent, like because in 3 weeks my sd40 and her family of 6 will bitterly join my lovely kids and dh for the holidays. 2 days that is it! I can take 2 days of passive aggressive step shit for my sweet husband. He doesn't like her anyway....way too much like the BM he divorced! LOL YEAH! you are normal. And guess what? Those kids don't like you either! Get the book. }:)

MonsterMom's picture

After rolling around in bed trying to sleep, I finally confessed to my partner how I felt about his children (and it was a long time coming - a gradual process to where I just couldn't stand NOT to say anything anymore). They destroy our house, poo-poo the rules, engage in unacceptable displays of anger, are rude, argumentative, condescending...and I finally came out and said that it is unhealthy for me to be around them. At first I felt bad, but the reality is that his children are absolute terrors. I have been patient and complacent but I just can't stand it anymore. I am ridiculously thankful this site exists for support and guidance...and so I now have the ability to speak out and say without fear or judgment - "I raised MY child to be respectful, courteous, and what the *~#% is wrong with YOUR children??" :O

Davisji65's picture

Thank you ALL for helping me through a very difficult 6 years. I met my husband later in life at the age of 41. My own children then were 17, 7 & 5 and they are such great kids. I worked very hard to raise them right and it really paid off. Even my ex compliments me on the job I've done with them. So, onto my step kids. UGH in a word. Then, they were just 7, 5 and 3. The day i met them, they came running into my living room and jumped on my brand new couch with their muddy sneakers. i knew right away that wasnt normal. Their psychologist told their father not to bring them to meet me until he was certain I was "the one", so I had fallen in love with him and accepted his proposal of marriage BEFORE I even met them! WHAT WAS I THINKING?? No matter, the man to this day is perfect in so many ways, it's scary. He is a wonderful Dad, to my kids also and he treats me and my feelings with utter respect...respect I feel I don't even deserve. His three boys are ALL autistic, if you can believe my (his) luck. The mother is an insane bipolar whackadoo who stops at nothing to make us miserable just from anger, jealousy and vindictiveness alone. Too much to tell on that story....but the boys are so different from my kids, I cannot begin to express this. The father is guilt-ridden on so many levels, and i'm pretty much a spectator. We've tried (my kids and i) over the years to deal with them, but instead of getting better as they 'mature', they get worse. The 13 acts 8, the 12 acts 5 and the 9 acts as though he's 5 as well. Things can get pretty interesting when all the kids are together. Between my son teasing and their meltdowns, and all the very real differences socially, I could jump off a bridge. I've got one that walks around on his toes, is repetitive, shy, awkward, weird and also has ADHD, epilepsy and 2 lesions on his brain. The poor kids is a walking train wreck and I know it's not his fault. He's the oldest one, now 13. The middle one is turning 12 and weighs 172 pounds, in comparison to my own 75-pound soon-to-be 12 year old son. At this point, I can't even look at this kid...let alone talk to him. all he ever talks about is food or things that simply dont exist...Pokemon...comic strip characters and the like. He has Aspbergers, which is no doubt a major factor in his condition, but the father is not consistent with his diet; constantly giving him sugar-laden treats and stuffing all three with enough food to feed an army. I cannot sit at the dinner table with them for fear of wearing their food, which gets in their hair and even on their eyelashes. Two of the boys' hands tremble while they eat and they eat in a manner which is like a starving dog. It's really stomach-turning. And forget about the misses they make in my house and destroy my things. They are impossible. and not that anything we do helps, because they live with their mother, who is easily a size 3x, no lie. I do feel sorry for these kids and for her, but she made her choices in life and wanted the marriage to end in the first place. So whatever, not my deal. The youngest boy is 9 and has PDDNOS which is a spectrum disorder. He is very quiet and sneaky and can go an entire weekend without a word to you. He can talk your ear off if you initialize a conversation, which I've done from time to time. All three boys "stim" (make weird noises constantly like a hum) so you can only imagine trying to read a book while they are here....what with their retarded noises all in unison. We now realize that very likely, my husband is autistic, but was never diagnosed. He's a brilliant man and very successful and a good earner, so there may be hope for these boys. In any event, after all the years of them peeing their pants, literally crapping in my neighbors yard (no lie) waking us up at night with night terrors, being bounced around between households whenever the mother decided to "have a breakdown", and finally, purely abandoning them to us without visitation for two years, after making my husband lose his job (he was laid off due to the fact that too much time was taken to care for the boys), I am literally at wits end...running in the opposite direction at the mere mention of their names. At the end of those two years, I was popping Nexium like tictacs and having severe asthma-type symptoms which wound up being a reaction to the stress and anxiety from having now 6 pairs of shoes, 6 piles of dirty clothes, not to mention the other aspects of having now 8 people in one household...half of which is just not normal. As far as my family, they don't even want us around. They are embarrassing and my family just doesn't know how to deal with them. They don't involve themselves in their birthdays or holidays and its just very uncomfortable. I think my husband's family is clueless to any of this mess. Our neighbors don't talk to us ever since my stepsons played in their yard years ago. Heaven only knows what went on there. My fat one probably went into their kitchen asking for food and then peed himself, for all I know... So when I read above that some of you are physically affected by your non-bio kids, I completely understand. I'm so glad I am not alone. I've struggled with this for years, but as the years go on, I find that I actually despise these kids. I once had an outerbody experience, when i got the weekends mixed up and learned they were coming two weekends in a row. she has them for two weekends a month, where sometimes we have them for three...and occasionally two weekends in a row. there is no fairness here and hubby wont change it. on these weekends, i disappear. we cant do normal things or take normal outings with this bunch. its sad. i resent the mother and see nothing of my husband in these boys. they dont even look like him! still my husband is just so sweet to me. how can i complain about his wanting to be a good Dad? especially when my own ex has very little to do with my kids?! My husband knows how I not thrilled...but he understands. I think he thought that in time I would "come around" to the idea of these kids. The thing that scares me is that this mother can have a mental explosion at any point...and the kids will once again be living here. I already know that this will never work. As it is, when they are here, I'm anywhere else. I've recently taken up hiking, horseback riding, visiting friends and even snowboarding. These things are my "out"...and I encourage ALL OF YOU to do this, if not for anyone else but for your own sanity! Luckily, I have a very interesting layout to my home, where there is another whole house in the back. That's where I am when the boys are here. I feel bad that I can't be more a part of their lives, but frankly, my kids are into so many activities like ice skating and music lessons and getting together with friends. These boys just sit in front of the Wii and stare at the wall all weekend...and my husband allows this. Even with yard work and stuff, these kids are completely useless. I have no use for them at all. I have nothing in common with them. I'm so active and energetic and they are slugs. My kids groan when they are coming (ugh, this weekend...)So back to the obese one, you can imagine how I feel to constantly have to chase this boy out of my kitchen! Ugh!! All in all, between my hubby and his ex, these parents are 'retarded' and have no clue as to how to handle these boys. I've made countless suggestions to him but the mother isn't very into cooperating with us and its just a great big mess. The two 13 year olds are in eachothers classes in 7th grade. my daughter is an honor roll student, where my stepson is failing 3 subjects. the parents never got him properly classified and he really needs an IEP (individual education program where special help is given based on their conditions). its fruitless. So, people, this is my story. It's very sad, because I'm so happy with my's his baggage I hate. I know I will never ever like these kids and I think my hubby just doesn't want to believe this. I treat him very differently when he comes home with this bunch. he can feel they are not welcome. he becomes one of them and i just go the other way. Still, I'm not alone here, and now I know that what I need to do is to do just avoid them the way I've been and that's it's OKAY to do so. I just feel as though my life is not my own. I no longer have to worry about these boys because they're just not my problem and I don't agree with the parenting. I remain careful and aware of their feelings however....not to allow them to really know my true feelings. I do try. I would never hurt them in that way. I just wish they lived 3000 miles away. They live only 2 miles away. The dynamics of a blended family are bad situation is book-worthy. It's sad to watch my kids excel at everything...and to see his boys fail at everything. I just think that the parents could be doing so much more for these kids. I have no say in their upbringing because the mother hates my guts. My husband remains positive but he is so stressed out when they are here because they are so much work. They are like babies. Been there, done that! I would appreciate any helpful suggestions...but just so you know, there are no groups out there...or textbooks...or blogs where there is THREE special needs kids in one household. God help me...

love_my_shichi's picture

Oh my are describing my life very closely, except I have one dangerous SD who has been banned. All three of my skids are lazy, strange, mentally challenged, no manners, rude, entitled, stare at tv and xbox all day, do poorly in school....all three...two are in the IEP program, the other was held back, the girl has serious mental problems and has been hospitalized several times, she lies terribly and dangerously about abuse and other things she's just awful. My SO and his xwife are the laziest parents I have ever seen and these kids are destined to be the biggest failures ever. They grab food out of your hands at the dinner table, eat with their fingers, are oblivious to all others so much its beyond embarrassing, and I cannot fathom how my SO ever saw anything in this woman. I question them both as humans just by how they allow their kids to act its disgusting. Interestly, they all have high self regard and confidence, make fun of others mercilessly, they take no responsibility for their actions ever, and on top of this my fiance is constantly criticizing my daughter and putting her down. She has her share of problems...her room gets a little messy and being a teen ager she has gone to parties where there was drinking. But she gets above a 3.0 every term, does her chores, listens to me when I talk to her and tell her things, tells me the truth ALWAYS...that's how I know about the parties you see...and anyways now I am venting.

I feel for you. My life is not my own either. The boys come Friday and I get majorly depressed as I hate weekends with them. He thinks they are charming and he dotes on them and they are messy and vile and disrespectful and lazy and pathetic. I often wonder how long I will last. Unlike you, I can see them in him....and when I do it makes me sick. The youngest one is a little pig and is constantly asking for candy and treats and he is such a SLOB and he watches tv with his legs wrapped around his head and he is a total weirdo. His eyes pop out of his head like a bullfrog and he eats with his hands and its so gross.

I feel so bad for you. I understand. I will have to look into autism. I didn't know you could be somewhat intelligent and have autism.

Good luck with the nightmare. God I can hear the weirdos screaming in the other room now I want to run away.

chaosensues's picture

I spend so much time feeling badly about myself. And even when I talk about my situation to others I have a feeling then then look at ME like I'm a bad person. I am somewhat fond of my stepson, but my stepdaughter is awful. She is mean to my pets, even when she doesn't know one of us is looking. I don't even like being in the same room with her. I have to detach so much that I don't like myself at all. At least reading your stories I know I'm not alone -- and that I might not possibly be as bad as I thought!!

love_my_shichi's picture

The thing is....why should we feel bad for not liking a complete stranger? I mean, it is your significant others child but really in a way it is JUST a random person.

I seriously have no ability to like or warm up to these kids. The way they look, dress, act, smell, talk, wrong, weird, off & gross.

It is starting to make me so miserable as the weeks go by. Just like another woman wrote in another blog...I had no idea when I got involved with a man with kids what it would be like. They come every weekend and they are so messy and loud and annoying and THEY ARE STRANGERS TO ME, and they come to my house...and bug the crap out of me and I cannot re-decorate nicely because I refuse to put anything nice in the house where they could possibly touch. Their mere presence is vile to me. They do not shower until they come here, they always wear the same clothes, they are selfish with everything....I just wish I could leave every weekend literally.

When god made families, people were not supposed to get divorced, that is probably why I feel this way. Another woman is not supposed to have another womans children at her house. Its just all wrong.

Nice_person's picture

Wow... All I did was type "don't like my husband's daughter" in the search bar and I came across this site. And I am so glad I did!

Before we started dating, I knew he had a daughter, and I thought, okay...I have one, too, and they're only 3 years apart. So everything was kind of peachy in the beginning. And then I realized I just did not care much for her. She and my daughter are like night and day. My daughter is a go-getter, his is a lazy slob. I could go on and on about what I cannot stand about her, but I don't have a whole lot of time. My husband and I now have a child of our own and to be honest, when he mentions to his daughter about her half-sister (our child), I absolutely CRINGE. Ugh... I cannot stand when she comes over. I cannot stand her slovenly demeanor. Hell, she's 12 now and she won't shower or brush her teeth UNLESS she is reminded!!! One morning while I was still pregnant and feeling pretty crappy, I came out to the dining room to find her fat *ss sitting at the table while MY 8-yr-old daughter was getting their breakfast ready. WTF??? I absolutely hated when I walked into the living room another time to find this annoyingly disgusting brat holding MY baby!! husband keeps talking about how he loves my daughter and treats her like his own, and he doesn't understand why I don't do the same with his kid. I flat out told him I don't know her very well, and I don't care to get to know her. Sounds harsh, I know, but it was the truth. I read some posts on this site about how it's like loving someone's kids from down the street. And that is EXACTLY how it feels. Ugh... OH! And his mom, HIS MOM actually told me "Do not EVER say anything negative about his child!" She can suck a fat one for all I care. I married HIM. NOT his kid. Hell, I sometimes wonder if it IS his kid! She looks nothing like him. But I digress...

I feel like I'm just typing random thoughts. Maybe I am; I just kind of needed to vent because I feel like I shouldn't just go around telling everyone I CANNOT STAND HIS DAUGHTER!!! And I do not like to call her my step-daughter. I always refer to her as "my husband's daughter/kid from a previous relationship".

I'm sure there are people out there who can relate...

love_my_shichi's picture

I COMPLETELY AGREE!What are you supposed to do if you and your child are clean, normal, fun, outgoing etc. and the step kid(s) are just WEIRD/LAZY/SLOPPY/SMELLY/ODD/CREEPY???? I just will not pretend that I like people who are lazy and rude and unkempt and strange and gross and mean and nasty and bizarre. I JUST CANNOT DO IT!!!I really do not know how a person is supposed to handle this. I was desperately trying to explain this to my SO this morning...without hurting him. Somehow the combination of him with Princess Juggellette made THE BIGGEST ANNOYING MORONS I HAVE EVER MET. And I cannot mesh with them.

It is just challenging to deal with co-habitating and the being told that YOU ARE A BLENDED FAMILY with some idiots!!!

sjones21's picture

While reading this post I felt like a wrote it...I totally agree with 100% of what you have said. I feel bad but then I don't. I have the same thing going on with my DH's mother...his child can do no wrong and well because her mother and my DH didn't work out lets feel super sorry for her (really?)...shoot i was a product of the 70's and my mom and dad had a shotgun wedding that lasted a year and no one felt sorry for me...because they wanted me to understand and deal with LIFE. She has grown up in an environment where everyone caters to her and she is annoying and a brat! I hate when she comes to our house on the weekends and lately she has been staying at her friends houses and not coming over...THANK GOD! If I had it my way she would stay with a friend all the time. I get anxiety and miserable when I know she is coming! UGH!!! I thought things would not be like this when your DH has a child from a previous sucks!

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

Don't like my finances kids. Ones 29 and still lives at the house. Doesn't work, doesn't do anything. Likes it that way. Hasno desire to move on. The other is 21. At least she's not in the same house. Love my fiance but I am not sure living with him and his son is going to work. I have two little ones myself. They adore him but he'll never love them like his own. I want out sometimes. I can't handle this. I lose my temper with his son. My fiance Says his son is just a big kid and I just have to keep that in mind. But kids don't go to the corner store for cigarettes and beer. At least they shouldn't. Mine don't. This Guy goes to concerts and hangs out with friends on weekends and eats all our food

sickNtiredofbeingsickNtired's picture

Don't like my finances kids. Ones 29 and still lives at the house. Doesn't work, doesn't do anything. Likes it that way. Hasno desire to move on. The other is 21. At least she's not in the same house. Love my fiance but I am not sure living with him and his son is going to work. I have two little ones myself. They adore him but he'll never love them like his own. I want out sometimes. I can't handle this. I lose my temper with his son. My fiance Says his son is just a big kid and I just have to keep that in mind. But kids don't go to the corner store for cigarettes and beer. At least they shouldn't. Mine don't. This Guy goes to concerts and hangs out with friends on weekends and eats all our food

Alittlelost's picture

I just wanted to say thanks to whoever first set up this site, and to all the other SM's who contribute. For the first time in what feels like many months, I actually feel I have found an outlet for all of the pent up guilt I end up feeling for not being able to "bond", or "cope" with having four skids under the age of 11. I met my DH abroad, and we married and were together for 4 years before the skids actually fully came into our lives when we can back to our home country. I had met them before for limited periods of time, and I mistakenly thought I would be able to cope, but on coming back home as a married woman with a professional career and zero desire to have "full-time" kids, I have to admit this SM thing has thrown me (and my marriage) completely.

I keep being told by the well meaning BM's around me with their own little angels, that I knew what I was getting into when I married a man with kids, but the reality is that no-one knows what the hell they're getting into until they realise the invitingly calm waters are deeper than they looked and have a current that sweeps you under in seconds. Before you know it, you're in way over your head, you feel like you're drowning, and everything that you thought you knew about how things would work slowly quickly away along with the hopes and dreams that you entered into all of this with.

I love my DH to bits and I try my best to care for my skids, because they are so important to my husband, but do I think every single day that my life would be happier and easier if they had never been born? Hell yes...... Do I wish they didn't invade our lives? Absolutely. I wish, selfishly, that we had never come back to the UK, but I also know I could never tell my husband that, nor would he ever realise how much I have had my eyes opened to how utterly naieve I was when I said "I do" and agreed to come back to this with him.

dep333's picture are so right that you don't really know what you're getting yourself into! I've seen a couple of people say "You knew he had kids when you got with him" or someone actually had the nerve to say "fall in love with someone else then" as if it's that simple. I'm very much in love with my boyfriend, and I fell in love with him before spending a lot of time with his children (which to me seems normal, as you shouldn't be introducing kids to a significant other early on). Even then, I had no idea it would be so difficult! Before I moved in with him, if I didn't have my son and he had his kids, I would be at his house. So I was around them and while I found the younger one (5 now, 2 at the time I met him and 3-1/2 when we moved in together) to be kind of annoying I didn't think much of it. Well just one month into living with my boyfriend, BM decided that my bf needs to take his son a couple of extra days a month. No big deal, it's just a couple more days out of the month, right? WRONG. Because it's been a year and a half of living together, and I find his son more and more annoying every single time I see him. Everything he does bothers me so much to the point that yes, I DO hate him. I can't stand being around him, I can't stand even the sight of him. Did I have ANY idea that I would feel this way? No. So for people to expect us to know what we're getting ourselves into is just total B.S. I'm also the same way, in that I do my best to take care of his children because they are important to him and he loves them. But on the days that they leave and I know I won't see them again for another week, I do a happy dance inside! And a few days before they come back, I start to dread their visit.
It makes me sad that SO many women (and men) are miserable because of their skids, but I have to admit, I'm thrilled to find out that I'm not the only who feels this way. It's something I've struggled with and felt guilty over for a long time.

Thisfits's picture

Great quote I recently found, " Stepkids are like clouds, when they aren't around it's a much brighter day!"

This is one of the best quotes I have ever heard. I am so glad I found this outlet.

DeeGee's picture

I am too busy being someone's REAL MOM

I have literally read each and every single 1 of EVERYONE'S stories, I too can say, what a relief it is to not be the only 1 who has these kinds of thoughts in their mind. I do believe everyone has/had a hard situation However. I still can't find ANYONE that can relate to my story.... Sad I got with my husband when I was 17. He was 11 years older. He was going thru a divorce and they had 2 kids. I was two months shy of 18. (So don't judge so fast) lol! Anyway, he was the one to walk away from the ex and she was pretty livid he moved on after a year. To her, "that was quick". Some may not believe this, but it was truly love at first sight for US!!!! Even though I was very well aware and even willing to take on being a stepmom and having step kids thennnn (so I thought) the ex was very, very, lets say extremely, upset of the thought of me being in their life. so she made sure that we were never to be able to have contact with the kids, never to find them, never to call them, never to see them Again. She told him to move forward in life without them. I never even got to meet them and I didn't even care. Not to sound cruel BUT, we did just that!!!! We got married, had a son, bought a house, 2 cars. We certainly moved on! !!!! It was as if he never even had a past and I was living every girls dream! (you know the dream where you feel you're the first wife you get to share that moment with the first born son) Almost 15 years have past. Our son is ONLY 9 and my worst fear struck. They're back and looking for "dad". She legally changed their last names and had another man raise them but they still came looking. And well I'm devastated, angry, in disbelief, in denial, and full of fear. And I don't want this beautiful dream of mine and my sons to be ruined. They not only want to see him but live with us. After 14 years how can I do this? How can I take on some other woman's kids? How can I tell my one and only baby that he's not #1 to daddy? Times ticking and my husband wants me to say YES.... I can't, I won't love them. I won't work everyday to spoil kids I've never even met. I won't take this dream away from my son. Cray 2 I won't smile the way I used too seeing my husband have that sparkle in his eyes. That sparkle I've only seen with our son when he looks at him.... I can't be someone's step mom when I'm too busy being someone's REAL mom.

love_my_shichi's picture

You are not the only one who lives for Monday!

I think the real issue is that you have kids that live with one woman and her set of standards and expectations and environment....all week and then they come to a new environment and its WAY DIFFERENT> I have no clue about my SO's ex as a person except....UH---- I would never let my child walk around in the same clothes every day unshowered, or never brush their teeth, or be a screaming, whining, lazy, rude brat. I CANNOT FATHOM MY DAUGHTER BEING LIKE THAT- EVER. Her kids sit in front of the XBOX or TV 24/7 and throw their trash everywhere- leave messes like pig pen, scream and fight and stomp and fart and burp and are just clueless and rude. Like animals. They have no class, no hygiene, no manners, no anything. Except the childhood innocence that we are all "supposed to" love about every child for some reason. Like we are supposed to find slovenly pigs endearing JUST BECAUSE OF THEIR AGE.

I have never received child support from my x-husband for my daughter and she has ALWAYS changed her clothes, had plenty to wear even if from a second hand store, and been clean and well mannered. Divorce is no excuse for bad manners and bad hygiene and bad everything.

Mynx's picture

Pleeease, some advice! I'm still not married, though I've been engaged to my fiance for over a year now. Were together for almost 3 years now and he has 3 stepkids SS 15, SD 10 and SD 5. He got divorced about 6 months before we met, and their mother figured that they've divorced over me, and that we were much longer in a relationship when they were still married. She didn't mention that she was an unfit mother and wife. He always made more money, has a good job, so she lived like a queen, and he bought everything they wanted. She has a babysitter (who takes care of them from 8-17h, and does their meals and laundry, etc. At first when they divorced, she almost forbid him to see them, because she thought he'd still come back when she blackmailed him with kids he adores and always took care of them when he lived with them. She talked her kids about me that I am a " bitch, slut...looking for money, want to catch their daddy with another baby that he will love more than he loves them..." classical jelosy, because i'm 15 years younger, I'm good looking, have a masters degree in economy, solid job, million friends, and a place of my own. So you figure that the last thing I need of him is his money, I love him so much, that we plan a wedding. She even invented stories about my ex partners, that I was with older men....etc.I had great problems with my mum and dad (she is a doctor and he an engineer)because they felt sorry for me and think I deserve better life since I'm 27, so they argued a lot because of me, and I cried so much about it. The things were ok for a while, my parents got used to this, since my fiancee is a great man and responsible parent. I started to notice I hate his children come around (every other weekends, every tuesday and friday), because they're spoiled brats (except the oldest SS 15), and I didn't want to act as their parent since thay had two of them. But the first time their dad was not around, the SS and older SD had a fight, and I kindly asked them to calm a little, until their daddy arrives, and a SS later told his dad that I started to get on his nerves. I was always nice, and went out when they came, though, he mainly took them to his grandparents at weekends they were with us. Now, she wants him to have full custody, cuz she doesn't want them anymore and they're better of with dad who's authority (now the're better off with a whore, slut....yap, so my reality is that they'll live with us. I know that things are ok now because I don't ask them to to anything, and I'm out of home when they come, but that it'd be different. They're spoiled, they don't knock, leave mess, they're noisy, fight, lazy, demand full time attention, can't play bu themselves, girls always hug with daddy ( I feel so excluded) and he says that I should understand because the're kids. I'm soooo terrified of this marriage, afraid to have a child of my own and that I would ruin it's childhood, and my life as well, but I love him so much, and he tries so hard, but he's so used to kids make mess, that he doesn't pay attention nd doesn't mind. We only fight when they're around, and I'm afraid that it would destroy US. And how to say to my parents that they'll live with us??? I feel like I'd destroy their marriage over mine...Help!!!

momma-haney's picture

Ok, I just have to say that I totally agree with you. I am in the same boat.

I am 7 years older than my husband. My kids are DD22, DD 20, DS 17, DS 10. His kids are SS 12, SS 11, SS 8...... Me and my marriage die a little more each day.

I have a 7 month old granddaughter and a granddaughter on the way. We weren't allowed (not by choice) to see my stepsons for the past 5 years. Their mom kept them from us most of the time. In total we probably only seen them about a month's worth of days. Then, DHS got involved and removed them from her home. We got a phone call one afternoon and 18 hours later they were living with us. His family refuses to keep them at all because they are bad boys. Therefore, we have absolutely no help with them. For a short time my family tried to help but they boys were too much so they now refuse help too. My husband will not disciple or correct his kids' bad behavior, they are about to get kicked out of the school that they are attending and I am about to lose my mind. The boys haven't seen their mom in 6 months because she hasn't been able to pass a drug test. She is in rehab right now but it may be another 6 months before she can get them back.

I am losing my mind and my husband!

Davisji65's picture

I completely understand all of you and your stories about your step kids. I too cannot stand to even be breathing the same air as my three stepsons. It wasn't always like this; although I always knew something was a little 'off' about them. I fell in love with their father and he is so wonderful to me and to my three kids as well, but we see his kids entirely too many weekends. My story is so long, but in a nutshell, my husband asked me to marry him before I ever met his kids. I didn't mind that he had kids of course, because I'm older and I have three of my own and they were the same age. I thought it would be so great. I was wrong. Turns out they are all autistic; all different sides of the spectrum too. Think I'm kidding? I kid you not! And the worst part of it? My husband didn't KNOW they were autistic!! HELLO!!!!!????? So, okay, we have them evaluated (my initiation) one at a time. My husband 'argued' (he never raises his voice to me) that they were normal, but you can tell just by watching how weird they are: toe-walking, walking in circles, repetitive, wetting themselves (all three at the time), mottled speech, hand tremors. The strangest-acting kids you've ever seen. Enter their mother (the Evil Queen): bipolar, depressed "train wreck" of a size 28!! This woman sits up all night thinking of ways to end our relationship. She's jealous of my fit, size 4 frame...whatever?! My husband and she cannot work together on raising these kids. She's intentionally underemployed; he makes a good salary; I own my own business. LOTS of jealousy going on here. She takes him to court every other month for the stupidest things and yet he's the perfect provider; always dependable, on time, classy classy guy. So that's it in a nutshell. So, back to the subject. I've struggled with my own feelings about how much I dislike (don't want to say hate...oops, just did) my stepsons. I cannot relate to them. I don't like their voices, their appearance, the way they act, the things they do, the noises they make. Heck, I don't even like their NAMES. The mother refuses to help them or get them help, counselling, guidance of any kind. She won't allow my husband to do anything either. And so, these misfit boys who simply sit around doing nothing but play video games and "stim" all day (and of course eat me out of house and home)are completely useless to me. They don't do anything of use at all. No yard work, no chores; nothing...except annoy the living *&^% out of me. No one is doing anything to help them, so why should I have to deal with them? They stress me out. The mother tried abandoning them for 2 years to us..wouldn't visit them at all and that was after she forced them on us for 10 straight days when we were still in boxes after moving here. Even their grandmother refused to take them. They are that bad! Their OWN mother! At the end of that horrible period, I was on Nexium. Then they wanted their mother back, so we sent them back, knowing they'd be doomed, but for my health. Thank God. But still, at this point there is so much resentment that I cannot be in the same room as them. I just walk away or drive away. I'm trying to get my husband to agree to having them every other weekend, but he doesn't want to take any time away from them. Currently, the mother has them for the second and fourth weekends, which leaves us with extra weekends in the year. There are 5 months with 5 weekends. Why should I have to deal with this? I work hard all week, just like he does. And why (oh why) should this horrible mother have two weekends off during those 5-week months?! not fair!! We are talking about 5 overnights here. Now, my marriage is crumbling because of this. so, to the "person" way up there in the beginning of this feed: you don't have a clue as to what you are talking about. We KNOW our husbands had kids. We THOUGHT it would be better than it is. It's not getting better -- it's getting WORSE. No, it's not the kids' fault and they sure as heck didn't ask to be born, but you need to know that the "you knew he had kids when you married him" doesn't fly...even with the psychologists. And no, I haven't visited one...not yet! Our own friends say the same thing. And by the way, there is no such thing as a "blended" family. The Brady Bunch started all of that nonsense, but it's simply a media-driven term. THERE IS NO SUCH THING! While I try to pull myself together over here before me and my normal kids head over to therapy, my advice to all of you lovely step moms out there is this: Take care of YOURSELF. Pamper yourselves when you can. Get a massage. Take a bubble bath. go for a walk or to the beach. Don't think you're a bad person. YOU ARE NOT! You love your husbands, so try HARD to stick this out. If you can remove yourself for a bit while they visit, go right ahead and don't feel guilty about it. They are not your children. You did not conceive them and you sure as heck did not give birth to them. You married your husband. He's going to have to accept that you CANNOT accept his kids. Remind him of this: In the end, it's just you and him. The kids grow up and get married and have kids of their own (well, not MY steps. They'll be bagging groceries and I'll be in a straight jacket by then). The more my steps get forced upon me, the more resentful I toward my husband. Wish me luck. I know I sound like a rag, but I'm really a very nice person who is caring. It's just that I've been "fried" with stress of many levels. I know I don't need this stress. They are aging me and yet I think I COULD love just about anybody else's child. My situation is just like yours; only worse because we have a crazy mother who may someday commit suicide and then I'll be having to move on because I cannot have three autistic kids living here again. Yes, she's very depressed and it's sad. But we can only control our feelings, our actions. Not our husband's. My husband doesn't want to make his kids feel bad to cut his weekends with them, but honestly, he's hurting them anyway, because I can't be around them anymore..and that's got to be hurting them too. I say nothing to them or in front of them to be hurtful, but they must know when I walk away and go hide somewhere until they go home. My husband IS hurting our marriage and doesn't realize that his kids and their evil mother are literally sucking the life out of our marriage. I could go on and are not alone!

Montylola's picture

I have exactly the same problems. I love him to bits but I am struggling with the kids bigtime. I can't cope with them and its destroying me inside. I don't honestly know what to do. But its making me ill.

kimjessnella's picture

i am so grateful for this site.
I have 2 step kids girl aged 9 and boy 11. Along with my own 2 daughtwers 12 and 6.
I am a very hands on mum, was a single mum for a few yrs while working full time yet still managed to have fun with my girls, look after them, feed them well etc
I feel it is vital to spend lots of quality time togther, museums, parks, beach, camping etc
SK's do not do anything, they are fed junk, always dressed in clothes that do not fit, they do not communicate anything that they want to do then sit there with long faces.
I have now decided if they want to join in that is brill but if not we will have fun around them..

marc30855's picture

At last I can see that I am not the only one out there feeling dislike towards my step kids.

My partner has 2 boys from previous, a 19 year old and a 14 year old. We now have a 3 year old daughter together.

The situation for me is becoming unbearable and to be quite frank if it was not for my daughter I would have legged it long ago.

The boys still see there father though he does not do anything in the way of discipline and I believe my partner still feels guilty about the break up with her ex. It’s been a rollercoaster few years, she got diagnosed with MS just after our daughter was born and I guess this is when my dislike / resentment of them started to increase.

My partner is a very loving person and loves them to bits, she struggles with her disease whilst being a mum to them, a mum to a very active toddler and going to work part time. They treat her like dirt, have no appreciation, consideration etc. Anytime I open my mouth about this its like I almost offend the entire family. She resents me for confronting the brats, they resent me because I am not there father and I am simply expected to sit there, watch them walk all over the top of her whilst she struggles with daily life and say nothing. Not to mention what sort of example this is setting my beautiful little daughter.

I am at my wits end, I love my partner to bits, I am massively devoted to her and my daughter, due to my partners illness I have done about 90% of the parenting with her so our bond is very unique and strong but yet out of all the problems with the disease its her bloody kids that’s driving a wedge between me and my partner and I fear most of all that my relationship with my daughter will suffer for this also.

I have tried to talk to her about this but it simply doesn’t register. I am at a complete loss as to what to do.

MacMom's picture

I do not like, love, enjoy my skids and I don't feel guilty about it. Snark aside, I'm never rude, unkind, or unfriendly with them.

DH is a bit guilty of guilty parenting, as well as not wishing to create a wider contrast between our home and BMs home, which has become the path of least resistance.

I have had some honest, respectful conversations with DH about these things, and have let him know that I understand his parenting stance; however, I will no longer subject myself to being around children we cannot expect respect, contribution, and courtesies from. When the skids are here, I make my appointments, meet friends, go shopping, etc. To bless them with my absence and opportunities for DH and the skids to have great times together. Sometimes I just get in the car and drive. I gently shared with DH that I will also no longer participate in meal times and that I am now on my own for eating in my office. It's not what I envisioned for this situation, but seems everyone is more comfortable this way. I'm totally okay with it.

I did not know, when I married DH, that the children would be so heavily aligned with their mother in the process that they would not find many things to enjoy about the environment we have here.

bloodhound's picture

My turn to bitch.... My stepsons are seven and eight and they annoy the piss out of me. They're generally good kids, but their dad and siblings in his home are stupid.... they don't ever read, their bonding revolves around redneck arguments, crazy white trash drama, and wwf wrestling. I really love them, but the culture of stupidity they are being raised in sickens me, I don't want my boys to forever be ignorant hill-billies.... I teach them lots and sometimes they're interested but they retain very little, I am patient and kind to them, but it is really annoying to me.... They say things like "them ain't got none" after yrs of telling them right. The older one lies and the younger one complains, CONSTANTLY! On top of these minor annoyances is the fact that they've been molested at their dad's and even though we've fought through the broken system to protect them for three years we can't do very much because their asshole father has primary custody. Now I worry constantly about them potentially molesting my biological kids of two months and thirty months. I'm sick of living here, sick of the fight, sick of the system, and sick of the stupid influence on my little boy. I want to leave before my children are sucked into the same nasty shit that my formerly beautiful and innocent stepkids have been sucked into. I still love them lots and teach and play with them whenever they are here, but I'm feeling very annoyed by them and this situation.

momof2frommi's picture

Continue to watch them boys so they don't act out sexually on your biological children due to their resentment. You have every right to worry im dealing with the same thing !!!

justjulie's picture

Omg i finally gave in and found a site with other steps that feel the way I do! my husband and I have recently undergone major changes.we are a blended family with having three minor children and myself having three minor children and we have child together that is a oldest is gone off to college no she is only here for the summer. last year we had a joint custody of his three and I always have full custody of mine. This past year we relocated resulting n only having mine still full time and his children in the summer and spring break the holidays only. We have A 11 month old together. All of his biological children are boys and mine is one boy and two girls plus the boy we have together. Confused yet?when we had all of the children together a majority of the time we seemed to work out better but now that this is the first summer we've had them since we relocated it has been very stressful and causing a lot of conflict. when they were younger and we were dating things we're good but once we got married my relationship with two of them became difficult. Oddly enough it was the younger two which are currently 6 and almost 12. This is because their mother tells them negative things about me and they are loyal to her. The older boy who is 13 is very mature and wants to live with us and does not appear to have much of an issue. now the problem is my husband loves my children, the two younger which I have all the time and are 11 and 12. But he has developed what I consider a guilt over only having his on summers and holidays. So since they have been here this summer I feel like I have become consumed in the comparison over the things he lets his children get away with and the way they act verses the way we parent our child or my children specifically when we have them only. I have never gotten along with their mother and he has recently had to be start
paying a massive amount of child support way above his earning and she makes twice what he does so I know he has to pay for
them but I resent that when I am limited In what we can now afford for my children and our child together.his ex makes everything
extremely difficult when it
comes to asking for money or wanting us to pay pay pay for anything and everything extra. His kids will ask for things and we pay
so much child support that I feel that should cover it just as I have to cover my children with their child support. When they are
here and I go to work at night he just allowed them to stay at all night long and laying in my room that my children go to bed as
they're supposed to. They just start annoying me because they are so needy. If he goes from one room to the next the children
follow him. If he goes to the store at least one of them wants to go. If we go and do anything and he doesn't go then they don't
want to participate but if he goes then they suddenly want to go. They overdo everything to get his attention and it irritates me to
death. I bite my tongue because I know he now sees them a majority of time in the summer which is 2 months straight. But since
I'm not used to them being there all the time now they're always always always just on top of us and I cannot have any one on
one time or any other personal time because they are there. Plus there's always a lot of other issues related to rules they have at
their moms house or they don't have to clean your messy and just eat 24 hours a day. At our house my kids are not needy
N r independent they don't sit on top of you all the time and they know to keep things picked up and clean so I do not have to
worry. I feel bad because my husband love my kids and doesn't complain but yet I see a difference in letting his get away with murder now and I feel it's because he knows his time is limited with them but you still have to have boundaries. But have to admit II am barely hanging in here without blowing up or it ruining our marriage and it is not the first time we have thought about this because of the child support and theissue of how he handles them. It's gotten to the point that I am so anxious for them to go home but I am counting the days and I do not ever want them to return and certainly dont want custody of them. I know this sounds bad and I feel like if we had them any longer then we would have to divorce. But while he is able to care for my children I got in over my head even though we dated for many years before hand. I'll lie he is just concerned by constantly entertaining the 13 year old I'm babying the other two and he feels like he needs to do about all his time to only those children when they're here I know that a lot of this is his fault because he makes the choice on setting boundaries etc but I can't fault him totally because when I first got divorced I had guilt over some divorce issues too and I feel like he has that because we relocated. He was a very hands-on father prior to this move. but I feel like I just have to suck it up and try to keep my mouth shut until they're gone because it always just leads to a fight if I say anything. But I'm hoping the short term vacations that we see them until till next summer are survivable because otherwise I'm not going to make it. Which is not good bcuz he is good with my children and he's also a very good dad to the baby we have together. Thank you all for reading n hope i dont get blasted too bad because I definitely do not miss treat the kids instead I treat them them like my own in most ways
however that does not change the fact that I feel like I'm going crazy and I want them to go home and not come back.

dstmomofthree's picture

Thanks for this site. I thought it was just me. I can't take it. I am at the point where I feel like a prisoner in my own home when my stepson is here. He is a teenager (rude, uses foul language regardless of the fact that the other kids) my husband and mine together are punished by my hubby for saying anything remotely shut up or stupid but he is cursing and hitting them and calling me a bully, etc. Just feel like I can't even breathe in my own home and get tense and anxiety just knowing he is coming. I married my hubby when his son was just a year old. I have helped to raise him and we had a great relationship but then BM was bad talking me, telling my stepson he does not have to listen to me or my mom (his step grandma), we're not his family, so much that he began to show signs of I love them but BM says you are not my parent. Therefore, the relationship began to go down hill the older and older he got. Because I work from home, I would go out to his school and try to eat lunch and she would take my name off the emergency list so the school would not let me eat with him. I took a job teaching at a small private school (tuition $15,000 so he could come to the school since it was a much better school with better technology, no fighting, great academics than where she was living), she refused to let him go to spite me and then kept him in a school with constant fighting, etc. Therefore, he began to take on these behaviors and they finally kicked him out. Now when all hell has broke loose she dumps him on us with no warning and wants him to live with us because she created a monster and now does not want to deal with it. I have been married to my hubby 12 years and now she wants to dump him on us for high school. I am so tired and hubby is gone at work all day so I am left to parent this ungrateful, mean spirited kid. Did I mention he has been watching porn now for a year or so and she refused to filter the computers at home but we have done so. She simply bought another computer instead. I have a young daughter at home and fear that those distorted images may lead to him touching my daughter (his stepsister)...sad but it is possible and I am not sure what would happen at hat point. I am at my wits end. My hubby accepts so much bad behavior from him because I think he feels guilty but I am fed up. I just want to leave him and this entire situation. We have 3 kids together now and I am praying that I can make it to graduation but really don't think I can take summers anymore. It is worse since he is going into high school and I can take alot. I taught middle school for several years! I have seen attitudes but I feel like he changes the entire dynamics of our home when he is there and also lets my kids think that the way he speaks, treats me and everyone else is acceptable and we would never accept that from them. Why is the bar so low for my step son? Just can't take it. I want to cry all the time he is here! counting the days until he is GONE back home!!!

goonie's picture

I am so glad I finally found a website where I can HOPEFULLY get advice from you other ladies in the same situation. Seriously, now that I dont talk to a therapist about these issues I feel like im going to snap!Lets just say I am MISERABLE. My fiance has a daughter from his previous marriage and we are expecting our first child together this winter.... I have known his daughter since she was 6 years old, and the problems started the first day that I met her. He didnt tell me about him having a daughter, but by the time she came into the picture with us I was already in love with my man, too in love to back out at that point. His daughter is now 10 years old, and I cant even stand the idea of her being with us when its her time of the week to spend with her dad (I know, im a monster)... When my man and I first met, she would spend half the week with us and half the week with her mom... It was hard enough dealing with it then, mind you I was 19 when this all started, still barely a kid myself.... And it was a weekly struggle... Now she lives in Portland with her mother and spends the summers with us and is watched by his other family members when hes at work so im not left to baby sit... Youd think id be happy with that, right? No. Hes been talking about maybe not this year but the year after her living with us FULL TIME and it makes me want to sob uncontrollably. She doesnt respect me at all, gives me attitude, and just considers me a joke because whatever she wants her dad will give her. She is so flipping spoiled it DRIVES ME INSANE. We're also about to move into a house at least thirty minutes from any school, hes taking a new job where hell be working 60 hours a week and he is going to expect me to load up a new born and drive her to school every day and I AM NOT GOING TO DO IT. Am I a monster? I just feel like she is NOT my daughter, so she is NOT my responsibility. If I dont get any respect from her and my man in respects to her, then I will not take any motherly responsibilities when it comes to her. I cant stand the thought of her living with us full time, I already consider the fact that if he insists, I will move out, and THEN who will take care of his daughter? He certainly wont have the time, so hell be SOL there. I just dont get why I have to be this live in babysitter... Im about to have my OWN child, I'll have my hands full with my own growing family, she is not my kid. I do love her, but I barely like her, I think of her as a threat to my growing family because she has her dad wrapped around her finger... I know, im going on and on, and I know I sound like an awful person.... I try so hard to bond with her but its so hard when she doesnt give me any respect I feel like I deserve. I dont want her anywhere near my baby when that happens too, I feel like im being rediculous but I cannot help it... Just the thought of her touching my kid pisses me off! I feel like such a bad person by despising this child so much but I just cant shake it for some reason, I thought that after many years things would get better but now im feeling like im hating her more and more. Shes always trying to shimmy her way into our future plans, plans with my man opening up his own business and her working there, it drives me insane! I want her to hate me enough to never want to come around but honestly, shes a sweet girl, and im not mean to her (this is all said in my head, they have no idea how much I despise her) I just want my own family, and I feel like a terrible person, and I dont know what to do to elleviate all of my anger towards her. HELP????!!! Also, any women out there have their hubby want to take his kid full time but you just wont do it, how did you go about it making it seem so impossible that he ends up agreeing that its for the best for the child to stay with the mom? I dont want him to hate me, so I just want to make it CLEARLY impossible for her to live with us... I hope I can get some advice from someone!!

ewally's picture

I wish I could help... but I just want you to know you're not alone. My DH makes me feel like I'm being impossible by not "trying" to love his kids, but I just feel NO bond at all with them. It's like I am a glorified babysitter when they are here (waiting for their parents to pick them up) except that instead of being paid to watch them, we PAY his psycho ex CS for them. It won't get better when you have your own child, either. My son lives with us, knows our rules, etc. They are here 2 days a week and try to change how HE lives here... wrong. Just know you're not alone. I wish there was some magical wand.

momof2frommi's picture

ugh i agree but i am at the point now where if his dad isnt here he shouldnt be either !!!!

MissJulsie's picture

Very interesting reading all these posts. I don't particularly like my stepson either. It's a shame, because when I first walked into this relationship, I came in with the BEST intentions to be the best stepmother EVER! And for 3 and a half years, not only did I make a big effort with the toys, lollies, stories and outings, I worked really hard on trying to be accepting and patient. I got involved with pickups/dropoffs, parent-teacher interviews, running birthday parties, and doing research when SS was diagnosed with Autism and a mild intellectual disability. When the going got tough, I read countless books, did courses, went to counselling, and took my partner to couples therapy. (And paid for all of it, might I add.) Not to mention I was supportive to my partner during his court battles with his ex.

But I'm very sad to say, that at long last, I have resigned and hung up my hat as a stepmother. For 3.5 years, my SS has exhibited naughty, disobedient, sooky, attention-seeking, and all-round problematic, all-over-the-place behaviour. And as for my partner; it was the usual story (as it is for so many stepmothers)...... he was defensive, over-protective, wore rose-coloured glasses, and didn't want to discipline his child for fear of being the "mean parent". Particularly considering he only had him every other weekend.

So at long last, I'm looking after myself and putting myself first. I have stipulated that SS can only come every second Saturday night, and that every Friday night is date night for me and partner. I've stipulated that SS will never be allowed to live with us full-time, and can only come one Saturday night per month once we have our own kids. I have also stipulated that we're not sacrificing special occasions/events for him, and must swap access visits around in order to attend them. Furthermore, when he comes to stay, I stay at my parents house, and will continue to do so (even after we get married) right up until we have babies. Oh, and I will also stipulate that he can't stay until baby No. 1 is 3 months old. Staying at the folks is something I highly recommend, and strongly urge all you other stepmothers to do the same. Besides.... it gives me good bonding time with my Dad, as he and I play musical instruments together. I cherish those times with my Dad, as he is 72, and won't be around forever. (And mum). And I may as well make the most of my own family, since my partners family all hate my guts, and think I'm a f***ing bitch for not liking their precious precious nephew/grandchild.

However, maybe one day SS will improve, and we might able to give our relationship another go. Partner and I have planned to have our first baby four years from now, when SS will be 14. Hopefully he'll be a bit older and wiser, and perhaps not such a babyish brat by then....But in the meantime I want to just concentrate on my relationship with my partner, and hopefully re-ignite the spark that got lost along the way (thanks to all the trouble and strife).

hwashington's picture

I am so thrilled I found this site.... I do not like my step son to be.He is not rude or disrespectful to me I just don't want him living with us. Ive been with my fiance for almost 6.5 years and we have been engaged for 3. We have lived together for 2 years now. I have one son and he is 17. He lives with us because his father lives over an hour away and because of school my son lives with us full time. My fiance's son has been an issue since we started dating. He has sooo many problems. I wouldn't even know where to being. When we moved in together the step son did not live with us and I was so happy about it. I really just wanted it to be my son, me, and my fiance. His son would come and visit but he would leave! Last September ( 2012 ) he didn't leave. Days went by then weeks and eventually I realized my fiance moved him in here without consulting me at all. Two months later he moved out. In April of this year the same thing happened. He came over one day and hasn't left!! This kid is 18 years old, almost 19. Doesn't go to school and doesn't have a job. He is just always here. I don't think my fiance sees this as a problem even though I have made the comment several times that I don't see us ever having the house to ourselves one day. My son is still in highschool and therefore will continue living here. After highschool he may continue to live here while attending school. The way I see it, my son is doing something, not just sitting around. Im not saying my son is perfect by any means and Im sure my fiance gets sick of him sometimes. My finace treats his son like he is 8 not 18! It just makes my furious. The BM is worthless and just a piece of garbage that cannot even take care of herself. My soon to be step son ( I just cringe even using that word ) used to live with his grandparents and I just wish to God he would go back, but that is just another can of worms in this saga. I feel very resentful towards the kid the BM and her whole family because it seems like I am paying for her mistakes. I want him out of my house. I just don't know how to tell my fiance this. Any suggestions!!!!!!!??????

LadyHarvell's picture

I have to agree. I am starting to feel the same way and I am glad to see that I am not the only one.

ewally's picture

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! My DH and I have been together for over 8 years. His sons were 18 months and 3 when we got together. The drama with the ex and court took over 5 years to finish. She is insane. When we first got together, I tried everything to be a good "mom" to them when they were here. I didn't have children, and was told in a previous marriage that I was unable to have children. Well, we then found out I was pregnant. I now have a 5 year old son. As the years have gone on, I have felt more and more anxiety at them being in my house. I know part of it stems from their mother (she put a wedge in there several years ago and it gets bigger and bigger). She gets ridiculous amounts of child support, yet the kids wear shoes and clothes with holes in them. She goes on vacations constantly, yet never takes them (we have to keep them while she's gone). It isn't that they are "bad" kids, or even disrespectful to me, it's just that I don't feel like it's "my" house when they are here... I feel like it's a blend of her house and my house (if that makes sense). She doesn't have the same rules that we have, they are "weird" in some of their actions, etc. She signs them up for every sport or activity known to man, so we are constantly having to rearrange our schedule. My anxiety comes because I hate having to struggle for money and change my schedule and life for kids that are here 2 afternoons a week and every other weekend (this is her modified shared parenting plan so she still got 100 percent of child support). It's bad enough we pay out the butt in CS, but it costs us so much more for food and everything else when they are here. I have talked to DH and he says he's stuck between and he wants me to "love" them like I did in the beginning... well, the snowball has been rolling the whole time... and 8 years later, it's a LOT bigger than it was in the beginning. I feel so much anxiety and my whole personality changes when they are here. AHHHHHHHHHHH... I told him just last night (after he volunteered to keep them for 4 days while she went out of town again without even asking me) that I'm about done with it. I love him very much, but I just don't know if I can take feeling this much anxiety in my own house for the rest of my life.

momof2frommi's picture

I completely understand i dont want to but on the weekend my attitude does change because i know that bad ass kid is on his way over to cause hell !!!! Please read my post

momof2frommi's picture

I am so glad i found this web site me and my husband have been together for almost 10 yrs we were married 3 years ago and have a two year old son in common. he has an 1o year old son from previous relationship and i have a 11 year old girl from one as well. When we met our children were 1 and 2 years old. I noticed differences in the kids from the start i have taught my daughter to be kind, respectful and grateful from the start. His son didnt even know to say please and thank you at the time he was 8 when we blended our households and moved in together. I would cook for the family he would just grab a plate and take a seat it wasnt until i left raw food to the side for his dad to cook for him i cooked for everyone else that he learned i do not play with disrespectful kids. he has been stealing since age w3 and lying as well and never got disciplined for it so now he just lies all day and night about big and small things. He has made comments about how my make up should be, about my weight after me son ( he is at least 60lbs overweight hisself), he has told me "are you wwearing a dress to church? you not suppossed to do that you should wear suits!!!!. He has made back handed comments about my teeth. Each time i waited on my husband to reprimand him and he does nothing we are now 2 1/2 years into living under one roof and things have gotten worse. I HATE weekends because i know that he will be here and it will cause some type of problems!!!! I am a full time stay at home mom and student i do not like the added stress that i experience when he is here. He as of lately told hos dad he wanted to stay home with his mother instead of coming over which was fine with me but as a man my husband should now that children do not get to decide what they want to do!!!!! He told his mom that my house is like a boot camp here are the reasons why: 1.They have to watch kid appropiate channels ie. disney, nick, cartoon network, pbs. NO mtv, vh1, bet etc
2. They cant touch the a/c thermostat
3.They cant bang on the walls
4.They have to help with the chores
5.They have to be respectful to adults and each other
6. we have one bathroom and we ask if anyone else would like to go to the restroom b4 we do number 2
His ghetto mom had the nerve to agree and say he wasnt coming over which again was fine with me.
I have two children who i am doing a great job with they are well behaved, have great manners and are kind. He has embarressed me at functions with my family he would use a fork to grab ham out the buffet and put it in his hand and eat it when clearly there were plates right next to the food!!!!!! During prayer at christmas there were at least 30 of us at my aunts home in a circle holding hands for prayer, he decided to let go of my aunts hand and put is hands behind his back for the duration!!!!!!!! I am at the point where i hate this kid and am comtenplatlinga divorce not only is he rolling his EYES at me whenever he can still with out being disciplined and still expecting me to cook and wash his clothes please. THE WORST IS what he did to our son who at the time was 20 mths, Me and my husband were outside doing yard work usually when my daughther is around she will watch the baby for a few mins if we are outside in the yard with no problem I have never left his son and our son unattended since birth and i never will again. My daughter left for a visit with her father and i asked his son to listen out for the toddler for a min while i cleaned up well four minutes later i hear my baby screaming a cry he never before since birth, when i run in the house his son was trying to clean alot of blood from my 20 mth olds face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was furious i told him to get out of my sight because i thought i was gonna lose it. When his dad got in the house i wanted him to get the full story of what happened this boy was in tears saying i didnt hit him repeatedly!!! wwhich meant nothing to me because i knew he was full of it :/ }:) . Long story short it took two moths worths of weekends but he said that he punched the baby because he waited to go outside the room and play and he didnt feel like it!!!!!!!!!! He has since been kept seperate from the kids i have a child safety look on the outside of his door so the two year doesnt go into the lions den and i hate the sight of him!!!! I refuse to tell the hubs his son cant come over because i understand its his son but i dont know what to do anymore especially because he is not doing anything about these issues. The icing on the cake is now his son is recanting his whole story and going back to he doesnt know what happened at least that what he told his mommy and daddy recently AAAAAAARRRRGH help someone i dont know what to do anymore

dassia2095's picture

So he punched the baby and now doesn't know what happened? ?? Wtf?? Psychiatrist. ...

momof2frommi's picture

Right I know for a fact he has been molested by a member of his moms family but everybody keeps ignoring it he needs therapy for a host of reasons like his recent suicide attempt because he got in trouble for disrespecting his moms husband!! But he wont get a chance to touch my baby ever again !!!

Payingmoney's picture

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. I had a step son steal my wallet and use my credit to buy video games to be shipped to his bio father's house.

Two kids in my deal....the son is 22....reported to have learning problems....but did a variety of things that demonstrated intent and at least normal intelligence...but the mother, my wife, sees no harm. Only words with one syllable at best....with mostly vowel sounds.

The college...but similar intellect......6 to 8 hours on the internet...MAXIMUM use of minutes of cell phone...and nothing but reality shows on a job...but slept at the cash register...under a camera....just nothing is being processed here.....

WIfe argues..that I MUST have a relationship with these two...and that I am NOT nice.....

Bojangles's picture

"for example they are very withdrawn (around everyone)and unable (or unwilling) to articulate anything more than a couple of words to anyone including their father. They have no interest in doing anything (really) they don't want to go outside, they don't want to go shopping, they are not enthusiastic about anything at all. The only time they are at all animated is in front of the Wii Nintendo (which is where they would spend ALL their time if we let them)."
This probably won't cheer you up, but that behaviour is not peculiar to your stepchildren, or anything to do with you, that is basically a description of typical teenage behaviour. It is incredibly annoying to live with, particularly the mismatch between what they know and what they think they know (everything). Taking time out and doing some activities out of the home to get a regular break from it is a perfectly legitimate way of alleviating the pressure so don't feel bad about it. If it makes it easier for you that is a good thing for your relationship. Just see it as a positive thing for you, and don't make it into a pointed snub of his children or that will inevitably alienate your partner .You might want to buy some amusingly written books on teenagers and teen development, it help to be able to stand back and laugh about it.

AliciaMarie80's picture

I finally gave up and disengaged this week, I know how you feel. I have a 6 year old boy, but I am used to him - he is low maintenance and just such a good boy and his 8 yo daughter and 5 yo son are more than I or anyone I know can handle. They are needy, whiney, complainey, rude, high maintenance, treat people like slaves, just total jerks and I don't blame THEM, I blame their parents. I've tried to help with them, but DH just gets so defensive that I've just decided to disengage and walk away. When his son hits and kicks my son, since his dad won't punish DSS, I tell my son he doesn't have to take it and can defend himself and DSS will eventually learn his lesson beside his is nearly 6, but still wearing the clothes my kid wore at age 3. I just ignore his kids now. I'm so done's picture

I just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore. Every time I hear my SS (4yo) say "Hi Dad! HI!" or "Daddy, I need you" whenever my DH turns even the littlest attention on me or my biological son (6yo) is enough to make my skin crawl. At least when they moved in I put a stop to the whole sleeping in bed with daddy every night, no set bedtime & following my DH absolutely everywhere, being his shadow even when he would go to the bathroom or take a shower bullshit. He can't stand when DH does anything with anyone else but him. He makes himself throw up at dinner time almost every night and even if my DH holds him and soothes him it doesn't matter, he still makes himself throw up. And of course my DH's mother thinks that the world revolves around her grandson. Doesn't matter that she has 4 other grandkids. They are nothing compared to her little angel. He has 12 facebook albums, her cover photos aren't of her there of HIM. Wtf? Last I checked the 4 yo didn't have his own fb page. Of course there are about 3 photos of my biological son on her site. Every time I post anything about my son, she turns it into something about her darling SS. Asking how he's doing or how cute he is on stuff about MY SON. My mother accepts both of them equally and yet this woman fails to realize anyone else in the world but my SS. Of course he soaks it all up. He cries for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON ALL THE TIME! They all swarm around him, cuddle him, fall all over him and he just sits there with a huge smirk on his face. He reverts back to being an absolute baby and has them do everything for him including hold his sippy cup and hand feed him. They ignore my son and he always gets shafted for everything. I don't care if you don't accept me (which everyone but my MIL does) but my son is a different story. He loves you all, why is it so difficult to include him? My SS always cries when he doesn't get his way, he cries pretty much EVERY day. He will purposely wait until I walk out of the room and jump on his father trying to drag him into the other room with him. He will watch and wait until I leave the room and ask my DH the same thing I said no to 5 minutes ago. He does it with a smirk on his face which is what drives me insane. He will cry and try to blame my son for "hurting him" just to get daddy's attention. My DH does play with the boys and does things individually as well with them so I don't know what the hell the issue is. I am just so sick to my stomach about the whole thing Sad

Going.crazy's picture

As many before me have said, thank god for this site. My husband and I have been married for 2 years now and despite friends' and family's warnings, I was sure we were well prepared. We discussed all sorts of parental methods and ideas we had, as well as some basic ground rules which had to apply to the kids in order for me to feel comfortable at all, for example, no kids in our bed and permission to enter the bedroom, no using my computer etc.

Lately it seems like he only enforces the rules we agreed upon when he feels like it, you can actually see the kids remind themselves to knock on the door when I am in the room, they get extremely mixed signals from the two of us while we started out as a team and you can now see that they are trying to play us out against each other. Even my father in law called him out on this and warned him of the destructive effects this will have on their respect for me as well as our relationship to begin with.

I recently spent some time apart with my sister and used the time for some soul searching as well as allowing my sister a full view of my situation and accepting her advice. I came to the conclusion many of you have come to as well, that the best way for a step mom to survive if she does not want to loose the love of her life is to simply stop caring. Not all together, I mean, I'd never let them go hungry or cold or turn a cold shoulder to them if they'd need me for anything, but stop caring about the little things.

So I am no longer pushing for them eating their veggies, spending less time in front of the TV/PC/WII/Ipad/anythingdigital, eating less junk especially after dinnertime, switching off of lights, flushing toilets, chewing with closed mouths, combing out their curly hair, brushing teeth, etc etc. The one thing I will not budge on is the limitation of use of my personal space ( my car and our master bedroom ) as well as speaking to me respectfully with two words and answering me if I ask them anything.

This will be my new path for the time being, I really hope that with me not stressing about the details on their road to becoming normal grownups will allow me some peace of mind to actually have a moment or two in which I enjoy their company.

Wish me luck.

Cold in IN's picture

How has taking a step back been working for you? Considering this method myself... Hope you're having success!

christinen's picture

I have pretty much done the same thing. After YEARS of trying much harder than I probably should have with SD, I can honestly say I don't care anymore. If DH wants to let her stuff her face with potato chips every night instead of offering her healthier choices, that's on them. But she will not take the nasty potato chips with her to bed and leave crumbs all over the place so we get bugs in the house. I have kept my house rules, I have just given up on caring about SD.

I have a LOT of resentment toward both SD and DH from all the years of arguing and being neglected and treated like shit whenever SD is around.

Now, when she is here (which is all the time now since we got her full time in August), I go about my business. I really don't even speak to her. I work late, go to the gym, go to happy hours, visit family, whatever I can to not have to go home until it's close to or past SD's "bedtime" (she wouldn't even have a bedtime if it was up to DH- I only enforce her bedtime for my own sanity).

I am just done, but ya know what.. it does feel very lonely and I feel very disconnected from DH.

I almost feel like I am falling out of love with him. We don't talk, touch, cuddle, have sex, nothing anymore. I'm pretty sure divorce is in our future.

MsG3's picture

That is exactly what I have done; however, in the midst of all of this I am driving myself nuts. It's like I have to do every little thing in the house and things will not be the way I would like them to be until they are gone. Sound bad? I feel like no one understands what I am going through but I am done. They have a mom. I am not it.

ncgal1980's picture

My DH said to me not long after we were married (talking about his three boys), "I really want them to come to see you as a mom." I replied, much as you said above, "They HAVE a mom, and it's not me."

I have two boys myself (ages 9 and 4) that we have full-time. The SK's are with us every other week. I do NOT feel responsible for their daily needs. That's DH's job, and I'm not about to take it over. He gets them up and ready for school, he makes sure they shower and brush their teeth, he makes sure they get to bed on time. He tried to involve me in those things (just to "help out a little bit"...yeah, right), but having been a SM before with my ex-husband, I avoid those things like the plague now. Those little things can easily become your full-time job if you let them, and I'm not about to neglect my own two kids for those three little high-maintenance monsters. No way, no how.

Cold in IN's picture

I am right there with you. I feel like a monster, but despite my best intention I find it nearly impossible to no become a frigid and distant b**** when my sk's arrive.

I've been with my fiancée for 3 years and we've lived together for 18months. I have a 4yo BD and he has 3 kids, my 11yo ss, 9yo sd, and nearly 8yo sd. When he and I first got together I thought things were going to be perfect. He LOVES kids and I thought I did as well. The first time I spent time with him and his kids though my ideas about blending into a perfect little family were shattered. His kids were OUT OF CONTROL and he was just so overwhelmed and angry and had no idea how to get a handle on things. He LOVES his kids but they're the result of accidentally knocking a chick up in college and then trying to "make it work" for 7 years. He knew nothing of parenting before getting on the parenting train and it had moved too fast for him since the day he got on. Add to that that the kids biomom is the LAZIEST PARENT EVER and it was a recipe for wild out of control kids.

Me being rational above all lee I thought stupidly, hey, I can fix this, so I agreed to move us all in together just 6 months after we began dating. We can up with a standard set of rules and repurchase ions and have the kids expectations and responsibilities that they were expected to follow through with. Unfortunately for me it turns out that unless I am constantly monitoring everything my perpetually befuddled and distracted fiancée can't be consistent with any of it. Living together also revealed that the kids weren't just poorly behaved, but actually had some real problems. 11yo ss is a bed wetter with ADHD and a compulsive end for attention he has no idea how to be social in a normal way and basically says random "facts" all the time, regardless of the situation in an attempt to impress people. It is really very off putting. He follows me around like a puppy dog and talks talks talk talks talks talks talks. It's odd that and 11yo boy would want to sit with his stepmom in the bathroom while she fixes her hair, but what do I know? He has no follow through and quits everything as soon as he realizes he's not immediately an expert and cannot be crowned the best. He gets that from his mom who blames my fiancée for all her problems and revels in collecting $2400/mo in child support while calling him a deadbeat dad. 11yo ss has made some progress since I forced the institution of rules. He had a few tough months, lots of time in his room, but he "gets it" now and tries to control himself. He told me the other day I was his favorite parent and I hated myself because always feel like I'm just tolerating him (though I act very enthusiastic toward him).
9yo sd I thought was the normal one. She was kind of cute, not high maintenance, and we had some things in common. She was absolutely perfect UNTIL we asked her to do something, put her laundry in her hamper, put her dish on the counter, hang her towel on the hook, etc. it was at this moments that you saw the beast within; fits, telling, crying, ingratitude, etc. Then a couple of months ago I catch her in my 4yo bd's room taking money from the piggy bank that was started for her at her baby shower. Long story short more than $100 is missing and 9yo sd had been stealing from it for a year. Halo gone. Her biomom says my 4yo shouldn't have that much anyway. Screw you biomom, and your over processed hair too!

7yo sd is a freaking spaz. She has fits over everything, is a control freak, still uses baby talk, has ridiculous anxiety about new places, can't even seem to learn to tie her own shoes, won't wear anything that "feels weird" or is "too tight" or "itchy". She's also good obsessed, thinks of nothing but the next meal and gets chubbier and chubbier. I'm not worried about her appearance but it's just going to make her already apparent social issues even worse. I know there's something abnormal with her but biomom doesn't want to have her tested because she relented and finally had 11yo ss tested and found out what she didn't want to know, he has severe ADHD. ITS MORE WORK FOR HER IF THEY HAVE ISSUES, modifying environments and habits and what it and she would rather not know. And I'm the witch.

I work my ass off for the kids, planning and organizing for the weekends, holidays, and summers. They have gorgeous rooms, toys, clothes, pets, and it's all done by me. I know I need to step back for my sanity but I cannot stand having my house go to shit every weekend. 11yo ss is now saying he may want to move here and will b spending the whole summer as a trial. I know it's better for him as far as his ADHD and our style of parenting, but ugh. I'll never curl my hair alone again. Not to mention, my family being the darlings they are have embraced them fully and bend over backwards to include them in EVERYTHING. It's great for the kids but sometimes I just want to enjoy my family rather than spending every occasion on pins and needles waiting for sd to meltdown or ss to just weird everyone out and annoy the shit out of them. I've abandoned my desire to have another child because I know I can't handle the sk's and a new baby and, it I'm bing really honest, I fear my perfectly lovely wonderful fiancée just makes bad kids.

I try to focus on the positive, my dd has a wonderful father in my fiancée, we have a beautiful new family home, home, my family loves my fiancée and we've all never been closer, basically a huge portion of my life is a dream, but when weekends are approaching I just feel grey and blah knowing I'm going to have to fight to stay really engaged and not just turn into sad stepmom zombie, tuning out meals with a smile painted on.

tjm's picture

I have to escape as well sometimes. It makes me feel like a terrible person also. I don't think that will ever change. We either have to suck it up and deal with it, stuff our emotions in our back pocket or get divorces. I'm always thinking about it, it just tortures me.

DisheartenedSM's picture

This is a great site. I used to stay on my SD's (9 & 11) all the time to close their freaking mouths when they chew their food and get their hair out if their faces when they eat! My H is with me on this. I finally gave up, stopped caring, and just started seating them across from each other at the dinner table so they could just look at each other's food in their mouths and their hair in mouths and kick each other underneath the table as they swing their legs non-stop! Who cares. God knows I tried.

FionaCloones's picture

Smile very wise. I try the arm's length approach too, kudos to you for the strategic positioning!

ncgal1980's picture

I have the same problem with my three stepsons. Their table manners are deplorable. Forget taking them to a restaurant. They never say "please" or "thank you," they chew with their mouths open, wipe food all over their sleeves, and are just horrible to eat with. It makes me sick, the way they eat. DH tries to correct them, but it doesn't work for more than a few seconds. They bark out orders at the waiter, and my DH doesn't correct them. This bothers me a lot. It happened just last night. It really pisses me off that DH doesn't stop them from doing that.

We were at a Mexican restaurant. My youngest SS (age 7) started tapping the table loudly, saying to the waiter, "Uh...guacamole? WHERE'S my guacamole?!" I gave him the evil eye and told him, "We didn't ORDER any guacamole." He said it a couple more times before DH asked him (ASKED him) to please stop talking that way. (Then he ordered guacamole for that little brat, who of course didn't offer a "please" or a "thank you.")

It's almost like DH is begging his children not to act like assholes. I guess I'm just more direct. When talking to my kids, I just tell them to CUT IT OUT! And if they don't, they know a consequence is going to follow quickly! DH asks his kids so sweetly to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop whatever the behavior is, and - big surprise - they flat-out ignore him. Huh. I wonder why. They have to say or do the offensive thing 10-12 times before DH actually does anything.

I let both of my boys know that that sort of behavior would NOT be tolerated. I don't want them picking up these horrible habits.

Most of the time at home, I try my best to delay sitting down at the table with these monsters as long as possible, hoping maybe they'll finish before I sit down! Sometimes they do, and at least then I can enjoy a meal without having to see them chewing like cows across the table from me, or barking orders and commands at DH or me like SS did to the waiter last night. I wanted to throttle him for that.

DisheartenedSM's picture

Hugs to you! There's nothing wrong with looking out for yourself and disengaging when you need to! My H knows I have to do this or else I will lose it. I can't stand it when my SK's are here and the pretense of it all, like I really care but I am kind to them always and it's draining. Take a break when you need it.

ncgal1980's picture

I call it "the wall." I hit the wall about an hour after being home with my stepsons (ages 9, 8, and 7). Once I hit the wall, it's like I can't take another second of their obnoxious behavior, and I HAVE to get away from them. I know I'm going to blow my top if I don't. DH doesn't question it anymore. I've tried to explain it to him, and I know it hurts his feelings that I don't adore every little thing his precious snowflakes do, but I have to be honest with him about how I feel after being around them for a while.

One I hit that wall, you'll find me hiding upstairs for a while, which sucks. Sad

FionaCloones's picture

I'm relieved to find this site too. I keep wanting to not devote more energy to these negative, sometimes irrational feelings, but I often feel I might explode. My stepson lives with us. In some ways we are lucky. He's amiable if alternately needy, sullen and unmotivated. He's good with our young son. If he had any real motivation in life, he'd be heading to college this fall. There are nebulous plans for a trade college and maybe moving out. He has never had a job though. I don't think he has any understanding of what it may take to live on his own, and his father is in no hurry to require anything of the sort of him. Early on, I tried to connect more and provide more guidance, but the gulf was too wide and his father had no earnest interest in bridging it. I'm not interested in my stepson and feel repulsed by his presence. Trying to unravel that... Beyond me being a despicable non-nurturer... I resent his lack of motivation and what that will likely mean for our living situation in the years to come. I don't enjoy living with him and never feeling like I have any privacy. I don't appreciate the slothful example he sets for my toddler. He does what he needs to do but not much else. I've never truly enjoyed his presence for any length of time, even when there are things about him I recognize as positive. He has just never felt like my kind, and I've always felt trapped with him. Early on, his father made it clear that I needed to love his son, bond with him and not need an escape route. Those expectations have abated, but I've been gun shy ever since. I feel very hard inside about this boy, and he doesn't deserve this level of dislike and disdain. I do my best to internalize my negative thoughts, trying to say only what I feel in my head or not at all. I understand that he probably knows I don't like him, but I don't care. I don't want to live with him for years to come, but I'd like my family with my son and his father to remain intact. There's nothing extreme in my situation except that I dislike living with the stepson extremely. I know I need to find better ways to deal with my emotions and ways to negotiate. I'm not feeling very rational today though, so that's why I'm here. I'm grateful to this forum and to the posters here for giving me place and company in which to vent. I hope everything works out for all of us, including the stepchildren we dislike.

Generic's picture

You are actually sounding extremely rational to me. It is unnatural if not unsafe to be living in a home with another female's offspring. It's when we deny these basic human truths, we experience guilt, loneliness and resentment