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Help I’m ready to leave my marriage because of adult pregnant stepdaughter

LostInLove8989's picture

I literally can't take it anymore !!! My stepdaughter has made me hate being a step mom .. she is 21 yrs old and I am 32 yrs old her mom who is my wife is so damn blind she has manipulated my wife into saying yes to everything because she is afraid she won't come around if she says no , my wife literally told me she will never say no because she would rather give her what she wants than not have a relationship with her and keep condoning her lazy manipulative ways  ..this girl has always short changed her mom on bills we always took her and her bf everywhere and paid for every damn thing for birthdays and holidays I have always brought her something and she has never one time did or brought anything for me and mom and honestly it doesn't matter it's the fact that her mom has made her so entitled that she just expects everything from everyone literally days I would be at work for 18 hrs and her daughter just sat in the house with her boyfriend doing nothing and always ends in an arguement with me and my wife because why are you telling me this bill needs to be paid but your adult daughter isn't contributing to anything   .. her daughter is literally the first person to ever make my skin crawl literally... it has been non stop drama since the day I met her ... I generally lived a quiet unproblematic life until I met her everytime I turn around this girl has been in so much bs and she is so manipulative and that the worst part is she went and got pregnant by her toxic bf and hasn't had a job her whole pregnancy and I went thru my wife's phone and found out she has secretly been telling everyone how happy she is about her being pregnant but lying to me complaining about how she is irresponsible and not ready for a baby and knowing she doesn't have a job and we will end responsible for her and this baby because she lives with someone who always wants to put her out and of course mom will always be right there to let her lazy ass move back in.. but why has she been lying to me saying she was disappointed she could've just been honest it's not my baby I don't care one way or another  .... I'm so hurt I literally have given this woman all of me and she makes me feel like crap I always put her first and I always come last  . It took a while but thankfully mom grew some balls and put her out but it hasn't gotten easier she constantly tries to force a relationship with us and it's not worth it it makes me so sad and upset when she is around I get so angry because I have always been the one wiping her moms years away after she made her cry I'm exhausted I literally left my dream house and job  and moved to her house to help her I literally pay the mortgage and feel like an outsider in my own home ... I love my wife so much but it's not worth it at all  .... I'm so tired of her expecting me to be perfect and accepting the bare minimum from her child she has literally told me I just need to accept her for who she is but I need to change so she is happy ... I'm so heart broken I have been doing research nonstop to understand their relationships, I have never met a clingy adult that clings to their parent like this , I have tried everything I'm ready to walk away , and please let me not forget this adult child has ruined some of her friendships because of her drama so I'm just at a lost ... everyday I want to run away I'm tired ! How am I supposed to parent someone I am only 12 yrs older than ... please help I'm ready to leave

 

Rags's picture

failed at parenting.

All else being as it may, why would you continue to allow yourself and your marriage to be sacrificed on the alter of martyrdom to your wife's failed breeding and parenting experiment?  

Not likely a popular answer/question for you to hear, however, what about this failed partner, and failed parent, is so appealing to you?

Your wife is a liar. She is luing to you while blowing rainbows and unicorns up the skirts of people that as her wife you should trump in spades. Or she is lying to them. Or worse, she is lying in 360* lie-o-vision.  Her daughter is a POS.  Mommy needs clarity or mommy needs to experience another failed marriage IMHO.

Which is your ticket to freedom and the start of an exciting new life advenure.

This POS STB failed parent has about zero chance of being a successful parent considering the abject parental failure she has been raised by.  In all liklihood you will fall further down  the scale of importance once your failed parent of a parther gets the starry eyes of a Gramma.  By all indications you don't matter much now, and you will matter even less once the GSkid arrives.

Your DW's stance that you need to learn to accept the situation with her POS failed breeding and parenting experiment would be the end of it all for me if I were you.

Why such a significant % of Sparents tolerate this crap from the person that is supposed to be their equity life partner is beyond my limited ability to understand.

Unknw

Good luck.

reedle2021's picture

I feel your pain.  I was recently in a similar situation where my ex and his son were enmeshed, codependent.  Ex-SS actually got pissy one day because his dad and I were talking so he stormed out of the house and "went for a drive," which is code for driving around aimlessly because the loser has no job, no friends and no kind of life outside of his daddy.

I wish I could tell you there is an easy answer.  You have to dig deep and figure out what you want, what you are willing to put up with and what are dealbreakers for you.  The whole situation sounds frustrating and it seems that your wife is guilt-parenting which is in turn setting the adult daughter up for failure in life.  The daughter's behavior upsets your wife which in turn upsets you.  That must be hard.  Perhaps it's time to disengage from the daughter and just be there for your wife?  Your wife will need to respect your desire to disengage though, and from what you wrote in your post, that also may be an issue. 

You also wrote that you will always come last.  Unfortunately, in my experience as a stepparent (twice), that is true.  I was never first in my marriage ever.  In fact, my ex and his son acted like a married couple and I was just like a roommate.  Very painful.  So again, you have to figure out what you are willing to live with.  If you want to have a non-drama relationship where you can always be first, maybe being a step parent isn't for you.  You have to decide. 

Don't be embarrassed to tell your friends and family if you need to talk.  They likely will be supportive.  Or maybe you can talk to a counselor and help you sort things out?  The situation you are experiencing is a very lonely place to be. 

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted!  Smile

LostInLove8989's picture

I have always been so afraid as being seen as the evil step parent if I ever posted how I really felt and all of you are right ! It feels so good to know I'm not alone on going thru these things ! It is oddly an unfamiliar territory with codependent ABLE BODIED ADULT children and yes it really does make you feel like the 3rd wheel in your own marriage ! I'm ok with not being the #1 priority but I'm not ok with being gaslighted into thinking I'm the problem if I speak up and ask for the drama to be kept out of our home and to respect that I am your equal so don't treat me like I'm an outsider and I can honestly say I have had a good relationship in the past as a step parent / but hey it also wasn't an adult it was a young child ! Well to each their own I guess , I'm guessing one day we will find out if love truly conquers all ... Lol wishful thinking 

 

Advice for anyone contemplating marriage please find out what your potential stepchild/ parent relationship is like during the good times and the bad times ! Because only the strong survive !!! Stay safe everyone 

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