HELP! Hanging by a thread
Hi, I am engaged to a 43yo woman with a 9yo boy and 13y girl. I love the kids and they love me. THat has been amazing. I am 53 and have 28 and 26yo boys. But I recently moved in and I have completely lost who I am. The house is run by the kids, I have no privacy, my fiance and my relationship has disappeared. We get up, eat and go where the kids need to go. Weekends are all about the kids. My interests have disappeared. I feel used. We have been together almost 3y and when I had my house I could escape for awhile and get a break. But now, I fell like a hired pair of hands there to cook, clean and drive the kids and entertain the kids 24/7. They are incapable of entertaining themselves and needy. I don't feel like I have a home, there is no me any more...... I am very close to ending things and have started to look for an apartment. The thought of having my own time again, watch what I want on TV, not have kids up and wanting them to go to bed is amazing. I am in control of nothing and my life is dictated..... Any thoughts would be helpful
If things aren't working out,
If things aren't working out, leave. You and your gf are at very different places in life; she's in the throes of raising two young kids, while you're an empty nester looking forward to enjoying life.
Date her if you must, but also consider seeking out women who are childless or whose kids are also grown. That would likely be a better fit for you.
Yeah.. right now those kids
Yeah.. right now those kids are still at a very needy and self centered time in their lives.. the amount of independence they have is small because they can't drive.. can't earn their own money.. etc.. they are also entering a more social stage in their lives with more activities.. sports etc..
I would have thought you would have had a better feel for the rythm of the household before you moved in... Certainly, these kids aren't acting all that different. But you have lived alone and childfree for quite a while. Their mother may or may not be a super mom.. may not parent well.. but it does sound like this situation isn't really sustainable for you.
Do you think that if you move back out that it would mean the end of the relationship? It may be the result.. but it's super hard to explain to a parent that their kids are just 'too much" for you.. and it really is your GF who allows it.. but it will be a difficult dynamic to change.. and you asking for changes is likely to breed resentment.
You know what you need to do
You know what you need to do to regain your sanity, so get your things in order and move out. If you want to end the relationship then do that. If you want to go back to how things were then I would suggest to your girlfriend that you two keep dating while living in separate houses. Lots of people do it. She may go for the suggestion, she may not - but at least you will have tried.
Boundaries, boundaries,
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Kids of any age should have them.
not easy
Interesting comments, its all so complicated. I read on here are the difficulty people have with their SKs and I have none of those. They love me and we interact so well, It just is so overwhelming the amount of attention they need and the relationship I have with my Fiance is at the bottom. THere is no biological Dad as he died when Fiance was 7mo pregnant with her son. So many layers to this. She has been holding it all together for 9y and just can't relinquish any control. She is running the show and I am along for the ride. We just can't seem to find a compromise and are both so raw right now I can't see a way out other than leaving, which is incredibly painful.
Actually, it isn't
Actually, it isn't complicated at all. Set the rules and standards of behavior and performance, enforce the rules. Address any failure to comply or any unacceptable behaviors immediately with notable consequences.
Lather, rinse, repeat. The why is not important IMHO. The what, as in the choice of behaviors, is what is important.
Don't make a simble thing complex. Keep it simple, take direct action immediately for any inappropriate behhavior or failure to adhere to the stipulated (and published) standards of behavior and performance.
Boundaries and focus on behaviors will allow you and you DW to focus on your marriage.
You and your gf are at very
You and your gf are at very different places in life; she's in the throes of raising two young kids, while you're an empty nester looking forward to enjoying life.
Yep, I'm not sure what you expected with a 13 & 9 year old. Living there does not sound appealing to me!
She sounds the martyr type.
She sounds the martyr type. By 9 and 13, the kids should have friends, sleepovers, and other activities that mom can drop them off and get a some time for herself. If you don't feel like a priority, you aren't. No shame in backing out and dating her. Get out now before you get in deeper if your unhappy.
The more i deal with these
The more i deal with these issues the more the whole "parent martyr" act annoys me. And kids of dysfunctional parents often don't have many friends. I'm guessing it's because they were not taught to respect other people's boundaries and their behaviors push away potential friends?
Are you Introverted?
I'm a total introvert. I love having time just to myself to do whatever I want. When I'm around people 24/7 it exhausts me. It could be you just need to be honest with your partner and let her know that you need some downtime to yourself. Maybe 30 mins everyday, or an evening to yourself once a week. It doesn't mean you don't love your family, it just means you need some friggen alone time.
You've probably already approached her with this idea??
Feel Your Pain Brother....
Why are you cooking, cleaning and taking the kids everywhere? Is your DW helping out or letting you do it all? I would talk to her about how you feel and see is she's willing to make changes. If not, might be time to leave. I'm a firm believer your spouse has to come first, even in a blended family. So her #1 goal should be keeping you happy (and vice versa). I'm in a similar situation and it's very difficult starting over with younger kids. Your sanity is important. Living in separate houses and "dating" might work for you, but that's not what I signed up for when I married my DW.