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Help with feelings of jealousy and guilt

marina2000's picture

Hi There, I am new to this and would just like advice, help and support from other step parents. I have been seeing my BF for just ove 2 years now, he has a BD12, who is absolutely fantastic, well behaved, well adjusted and I adore her. I have been so lucky in that we get on so well together and we have a laugh usually at my BF expense! I also work 95% of my time away from home so I don't get to see much of either my BF or SD. In the past couple of months I have been having feelings of jealousy towards my SD, which I know is completely irrational but its there none the less. It seems that when I get home from the job, usually late friday nights we always seem to have my SD when I would love to have a little time with my partner alone. As I did not want this to escalate and as I have a very open relationship with my partner I told him how I was feeling. He said that he understood as I worked away most of my time but does know how to tackle it but that we would do so together. Of course I understand how important it is for him to see and be with his daughter and I do encourage it, but I feel that my relationship with him is also important and as with cars it needs servicing every once in a while. I decided that it would be nice if we went away together and asked my partner what he thought, his response was 'but we don't have SD with us' I'm not usually a snappy person but I did respond with 'well does that really matter?' probably not the wisest thing to say! anyway over the weekend the jealousy issue was brought up and he told me that he understood but when we do things without her he feels guilty. I turned the situation around and asked if he felt guilty when I wasn't around and he did stuff with his daughter? he said no, I also then asked if he felt that every now and then we should concentrate on each other - he said yes. The thing is we are not getting the time to concentrate on us, the weekend was wasted as he had gotten himself so drunk on the friday that he couldn't eat or drink on the saturday at all through being very very hungover and I was left feeling hurt and disappointed. I will not get a break now until June. We are all going away in august for 2 weeks and I'm looking forward to that, and my BF has asked if I can take a week at easter to be with him and his daughter, but I just can't do it! I have 4 weeks annual leave I have taken 2 to be with them both, is it too much to ask to spen the other 2 with my partner alone? is that not fair? am I being unreasonable? we have our SD with us at the moment and obviously she wants to cuddle up to dad in the evening and usualyy its fine and I do encourage it, but last night I actually felt I wanted to come home and not be there with them. Since the weekend away the feelings have increased, I feel low and emotional, I hate myself for feeling like this. I know I need to talk to my partner again but I won't do it while the SD is there I don't think its fair. But I am away for the next 4 weeks with only weekends spare which my partner works shifts so he could be working then. I want to get this sorted and quickly, I am beginning to feel like I am less part of a team, that I am around just to cook food and clean up after them and I know this is wrong. Can you help me please?

kidsaplenty's picture

What about approach it like what kind of a romantic relationship do you want your daughter to have with her SO/spouse someday? Role model that for her that it is okay and healthy for partners to have some alone time and you are doing the child a favor by showing some balance. The maybe get out a calendar and write down some times that are just for the two of you, not just vacation but a 'couple only' dinner and that kind of thing. Does his daughter live there full time or just visit? What are the options for daughter when you two have your time (is she responsible enough to have a friend over for a sleepover and the two of you go to a nearby restaurant earlier in the evening for dinner alone?). You sound like a really nice person and I hope this all works out for you.

marina2000's picture

Hi there, Thank you for your comments I really appreciate them. The SD is with us 50% of the time and 50% with BM, I would love to approach it as you have said, she is a very responsible 12 year old and I feel that she could be left with a friend while me and my partner go for a meal. I suppose that way we are showing her that we trust her as well as having a little time to ourselves, I hope my partner would feel this is the way to go as well. I have to admit I have never known a child to have so many commitments! drama club on monday, swimming tues, thurs, fri and sat, Drama on sat and dancing on thurs as well! oh, and swimming on sunday too! I can't seem to keep up with it all! I don't have a child myself so I have no idea what its like or how it feels, and I am not maternal at all - which might be why me and SD get on ok, I have never wanted to be a mother so I don't act like one. Thank you again and for your wishes! Smile

notthewickedstepmom's picture

I completely understand what you're going through. When my DH and first got together I had a hard time adjusting to having our SS every single weekend. It felt like I worked hard all week, and then on the weekends there was no time to relax or just spend a quiet weekend alone. So I spoke to my DH about it and told him that even were we to be SS's biological parents we wouldn't be bad parents for taking time for ourselves. My parents left us with family/friends to have time for themselves. I expressed that if we were going to "make it" as a couple it was essential for me to feel like I was important too. Moreover, if all we ever did was take care of SS I would eventually resent him for the changes to my life, which would get in the way of my being a good SM to him.

We now have a BD together and it has gotten even harder to have time alone together, but I stand my ground and make sure that at least once a month we do something without kids. It's going to be awhile before our daughter is old enough to leave for an extended period of time, but I've told him that when she is I want to have a vacation together...no kids.

It is totally reasonable for you to want to work on your relationship, and if he doesn't feel the same compulsions than you have to ask yourself what you've gotten into, and if you can live with such a circumstance. Remember, you are coming into their lives. Like kidsaplenty said, SD is going to learn about relationships by observing the ones her parents are in. So she will think that it is appropriate to be treated the way her father treats you. For her sake, and the sake of your relationship you both need to make time to work on yourselves.