hopeless's picture

This is my first time posting to something like this so please extend patience with me. I am at my wits end with my boyfreind's son. I have been with my boyfreind for 5 years, I have a daughter 9 and he has a son who is now 7 almost 8. We have lived in a blended family for a little over 4 years. I really think this child hates me and my daughter. He does everything in his power to ruin family trips, control all situations, and make life hell during his visits. The sad thing is the father has no clue because the son will do this behind his back. In fact most of the time his father blames me that I can not get along with his son. On a side note I am not sure if I am more frustrated with the father not supporting me in this situation or with the son. The son is taking things to the extremes he knows he can, the father is a grown up.

The father is in the other room, the son will draw on my daughter's headboard, call her dumb, pick a fight with me, or throw something. This is just the tip of the iceberg, I am not sure what to do anymore. Anything to get her in trouble or irritate me he will pull. I have punished him, pleaded with him, threatened to take everything (tv, dsi, wii) away, but nothing I have done has worked. We recently had a family meeting in which I said flat out that my daughter and I will leave if this is not resolved. The son sat and said he was mad at me for yelling at him and we all said this will stop. It did not the next visit he called my daughter dumb and fat when the father went out of the room. He started another fight with me in which I took his dsi away and he started yelling again, to wake his father.

I love his father but I am afraid I will have to end this relationship and move out if this does not get resolved. Does anyone at all have some type of advice or is going through a similar situation?

12yrstepmonster's picture

Do you and BF have the same parenting values? The family meeting saying straighten up or we will leave - might get the boy what he is wanting.

Several things could be at play here. The BM could be telling him that your daughter is more important than he is. Or he might be thinking if you would leave his parents would get back together. Or he might be mad at you and your daughter because you both have his dad and he doesn't. None of these should excuse his behavior but sometimes if you can figure our why he is behaving that way then you can combat it.

Is your BF hands on in parenting him? And participatory and spending time with him when he is with you? Is it possible for you and daughter to have things to do during his visits? Or spend less time there?

I think it is extremely hard for a noncustodial to come into a house where there is custodial kids. We just made it past 12 years. If you would have asked me 5 years ago, I would have bet again us staying married. The blended family scenario created all kinds of issues: My sd thought I should buy her the same things that I bought my daughter. Their mother felt that she should have her own bedroom and "space" at our house (they shared a 15x20 foot room!- while she and ss shared an small bedroom at bm's house). There was a constant struggle between my dd and sd.

In the 12 years SD has tried to turn my youngest daughter (she is an ours daughter) against me and oldest daughter (my daughter). She has tried to get her to lie, to keep secrets and told her we were not to be trusted.
SS broke oldest daughters toys and shrug his shoulders and say- you can't touch mine they are at my moms. He has picked on youngest daughter verbally and physically to the point that she would go visit a grandparent when he would come over (almost 3 months!)

Counseling for Dh and I got us to this point- and disengagement from being anything to SD or SS. We have decided at this time we have separate families. We have ours that consist of 4, and he has his which consists of 2.

IF you love the dad, fight for the answers to make your family work.

hopeless's picture

I think we do have some of the same parenting values and he is pretty hands on. I do think that maybe it will be benefitial if my daughter and I leave when he comes to visit for some time.

I appreciate all your thoughts on this situation. When you did say that if my daughter and I are out of the picture he may think bm and bf will get back together. I feel that may be a huge possibility, how do I combat that?

As for your bm situation, I feel it is very unfair for the bm to make any expectations when they do not pay the bills (within reason). I shared a room with my 2 other sisters for most of my childhood. We had bunkbeds and the room was not as large as you indicated at all.

stepmasochist's picture

"When you did say that if my daughter and I are out of the picture he may think bm and bf will get back together. I feel that may be a huge possibility, how do I combat that?"

You can't combat that. DH has to. He can tell his son that whether you are there or not, he and BM are no longer married and will not be together again. That torturing the two of you will only hurt DH and SS.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

If you have told you bf that if things don't change then you will leave and things still haven't changed....that should tell you something. He isn't going to change and isn't taking you seriously. How many times have you threatned this and not followed thru? Besides that, you are putting your daughter in a bad and uncomfortable position. You need to think about her needs too. Doesn't she deserve to be comfortable and safe in her own home? Don't you? What are you teaching her about your and her selfworth by staying in a relationship where you aren't respected?

hopeless's picture

This is the first time I have threatened to leave. I do agree with alot of what you are saying.
Thank you for your thoughts.

Ex4life's picture

Nanny-cam or hidden tape recorders that will catch ss in the act may help. That doesn't mean your BF will grow a pair and fix the problem, but you will at least be ale to prove what his son is doing. I would venture a guess that he really does know, he just doesn't want to admit it. Guilty daddy syndrome as its called.