Having skids every weekend
I have two skids (10, 11) and two sons (3, 9 mths) and we currently have 50/50 care of the older children but this has, for the past couple of years, meant every weekend plus days in the week.
When my first son was born I stopped working and both of my skids parents worked weekends so I provided a lot of weekend childcare for them- every other week. My partner made an entire career change to get his weekends off so he could spend time with his children. However he quickly agreed to take them every weekend. Now I have another baby and am finding that I crave some weekend time without his children around and some more stability in our house (without his children coming and going every 2-3 days).
I feel that both parents use guilt to make me feel like I'm selfish for not wanting the children every weekend - because their mom works weekends they'll have to stay with a sitter or friend etc. But that is absolutely not our problem or responsibility. She doesn't feel any guilt for working every weekend. It's only part time, and she and her partner work together so they're really happy. When the children were little I thought it was better for them to be with a parent. But they now spend all day and night on screens so it doesn't seem as important.
I also end up providing childcare by default during the week in the summer because I'm at home. I asked for them to be signed up for camps etc but they have zero summer plans and I'm expected to provide childcare without being asked or thanked. I have pointed out that their mom's partner would never be expected to provide childcare for them - he's never watched them more than couple of hours alone whereas in the past I've provided multiple days in a row. My partner has been telling me not to worry about rushing back to work and I'm starting to think it's because he and his ex would lose their baby sitter (and him his cook, cleaner etc.)
I just feel like I'm being treated like a pushover and expected to do 'woman's work' all the time and support my partner having his children every weekend and say 'oh he's such a great dad!' But I'm not supposed to have my own ideas about how much custody should be split, or how my life should look, or whether or not I stay home and take care of everybody.
Anybody else sometimes feel like they're just being used and that their vision for their own life is always being swallowed up by everybody else's?
what do you want?
Maybe the question should be "Does any stepparent NOT feel like they're just being used and that their vision for their own life is always being swallowed up bye everybody else's"? My guess is that that the truly happy SP's are pretty rare, and they have these things in common: (1) they don't get asked to babysit their SKIDS all the time, including every weeekend (like the BM's partner in this situation - why is he treated so dramatically different than you?); and (2) this whole concept of "women's work" (ie, unwanted housework like cooking, cleaning and babysitting) doesn't exist, unless it is something that has been discussed and works for both partners. Do you miss working outside the home, or do you like being a SAHM? Figure out what you want to do with your time, then make it happen. If you like beign a SAHM to your 2 littles, it may be be tough to disengage from parenting the skids due to logistics and finances. If you want to go back to work full time, then make sure your DH does his share of the housework, and tell him to pay for a babysitter for the SKIDS if he doesn't want to spend time with them but insists they be with you.
You are seeing the situation clearly
Thinker is right, decide what you want and make it happen. You seem to see your situation clearly. When DH and I got together, I was able to be a SAHM which was wonderful for my bios and me. Im so grateful I had that opportunity, many people dont. The trade-off was that I also had the 3 SKs a lot, every weekend and every second they were not in school. Eventually they all moved in.
I had some LONG summers with 5 kids here plus many of their friends. DH took all 5 out one day each weekend, that helped a lot to give me some downtime. I started counseling which also helped immensely. After a few years, I went back to work, at first part-time, then after a few years, full-time.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I was laughing to myself about the lack of planning for camp. One year, I signed up all 5 for a weeklong camp. We bought the supplies and packed them off. Seven days of peace! That is until we got the call from the camp nurse. SD had some kind of "medical emergency" requiring us to pick her up. Of course, it was nothing. I should have known and expected that.
I experienced all those feelings of being unappreciated, taken for granted, etc. There's no one cure-all. Your DH sounds like a good man. Try not to be resentful of the kids and work thru it with your DH. Good luck.
Thanks for your kind reply! I
Thanks for your kind reply! I try to just accept things and know this is only one phase of my life. It's nice to be heard!
Wise outlook
Thats a good point, that its only one phase of your life. If you could see the view from here where I'm 76 and DH is 84, it's a tumultuous period that neither of us would want to relive, but it morphed into another phase (teenage kids) which morphed into another (young adult kids and both of us working full time), which morphed into another ( middle age freedom with kids in the background), etc. What is lasting is the fact that helping each other raise our kids brought us very close, probably closer than if we hadnt had them here to begin with. I say we are deeper than dirt. Lol.
Thank you
Thanks for your perspective! It helps to know people get through this stuff and feel stronger in the end!
What would happend IF you
What would happend IF you packed your kids UP and left for a month?, to go back to your family for a visit?
IF you are ok with the way things are, ok. IF you are NOT ok with the unbalanced custody, say something.
You have a lot of power here, use it.
Tell dh IF you want the your kids here, YOU have to be here too.
50/50 means 1/2 the weeks
And 1/2 the weekends. Unless you live close by so they can attend school. From both homes 50/50 doesn't work. DH is your problem, he not making BM take them on 1/2 the weekends
I have never felt taken advantage of.
My SS was not a home invader, he was just part of the family. I was the CSP and we had SS 24/7 316 days a year with 49days of non Skid time while he was on Sperm Land visitation. (7wks per year. 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring)
It took a while but even my incredible bride learned to enjoy our Skid free time when we could focus on us, not having to consider a kid, and could go wild for a bit.
However, If I were in a more traditional blended family situation where it was a local visitation schedule with one or both of us having kids while we had ours kids as well or was in your situation... OH HELL NO to EWE. The opposition parent can F-off if they think they are getting every weekend Skid free and .... so could my mate. The only visitation schedules would be either 50/50 EOW or a CP/NCP custody arrangement with EOWE. P.E.R.I.O.D!
Regardless of what my mate had to say about it, their X had to say about it.... or a Judge had to say about it.
Just no.
The BM in your world needs to be dragged kinking and screaming into reality. Her part time weekend hobby job ends and she starts owning her own children 50% of the weekends. PERIOD!