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Having a Hard time with my Patchwork Family.

AliDale's picture

:jawdrop:

Hi Everyone,
I'm going through this hard Situation almost 5 years now.
I have 2 Stepchildren, from 2 different Women.
Girl-14yrs old, Mother is Insane, Agressive..was never a Good Mother at all.
Boy-12, was born on the 24th Week of Pregnancy because Mother is Alcoholic and into Drugs. Neglected the Kids all throughout, went every Night out to only get Drunk and High. It was a Miracle that he survived despite all the Cables arround his Body when he was born. He is lucky that he didnt had Physical Disabilities.
He understands everything what you say to him.
Only when you say the Magic word "NO" then he turns Into someone else,
He is becoming aggressive, we had to change our door 3 times and Im getting scared for my Small Kids because he is breaking everything.
The Mother didnt show up since he lived with us.
He doesnt miss her anyway, he doesnt even want her to take him way back before his Father and I got Married.

I have a Son age of 6, he believes that my Husband is his Father.
Did not met his Biological Father. We broke up a week before I knew I was 12weeks pregnant.
My Husband and I were together when he was 8months old.
We lived together when he was a year and a Half.

And now we had our common Son, he is 4.
Everything is very well with our common Child.
We dont fight at all or argue about him.

All Kids are living with us.
The Mothers of the Kids doesn’t care at all…
No Birthday, Christmas, New Year etc...Greetings,
I am the One who takes care of them almost 5 years now.
From the Start everything was Ok, there might be some minor Problems but i tried to Patient.
The thought that they have to adjust with the New Situation.
Ana(14yrs old Changed Name) from the start likes my Son Dave(6yrs old Changed Name)
They were both like the Best of friends, she used to play together with Dave when she plays with our neighbours on the Backyard - Back then they were Ana(9)Dave(3).
All was very well, I loved and accepted her because i see that she loved Dave as his own Brother.
That time Owen(12yr old Changed Name) was almost 7 yrs old, he liked me, all was Good.
Both Kids even call me MOM.

Time passed by they became very disrespectful towards me, they don't listen to whatever I say to them.
When I offer and say them something they Refuse to everything 24/7.

Until they started to play with their Father against me.
Like when i tell Ana to bring the Garbage out, she then says to her Dad i never told her that.
And Owen, like I make him snacks and he refuse to eat them, when my Husband arrive after Work then will Owen say he was ver Hungry, he hasn't eaten yet.

The 4 Kids are good to each other, ofcourse they Fight constantly and I dont take sides.
Unless they dont hurt each other.

One of the problem also is that, whenever I say something to his Kids or asks them to do something, like to bring thier Plates in the Kitchen or tell them they should Stop whatever Stupid things they are doing, they dont listen at all, they try everytime to Piss me off.

To the point that I have to permanently complain to their Father everything what I dislike about his Kids, and he is every time trying to Protect them, like as if Its all my Fault, that I never wanted them here.
I kept quiet all through the Years because I dont want the Kids to have the feeling of having a broken Family again.

Until One day i was so bloated full of his Blindness i told him.
"Cant you see what is happening?Your Children is brainwashing you all throughout,
and squezzing the Patience out of me? I accepted them to live with us because I understood that their Mothers are not be able to take care of them, that you loved them so much.
He didnt even reaized my Point, my Sacrifices.

I tried to balance everything but it Impossible, no One could ever make that.
I am raising 4 Kids with different Attitudes and Mentality.
Anyway when the 4 kids gets into trouble they get all the consequences which is fitted to thier age.

Now what happen is, when Ana and Owen get scolded for whatever Stupid things they make, my Husband finds any reason to scold Dave too, like its making me feel that If his Kids gets Problem with you ,then so Dave too”…

Like when Dave must be told more than 3 times to do something, then he shouts at him and make some hurtful comments like “this Child has a very Big Problem”… And thats making me giving up.
I am not allowed to say something over his Kids and his yelling at mines.

Dave just started to go to school get bullied everyday because he looks different and resulted Bulimia” (correct me if Im wrong). At this young Age he goes to a psychiatrist to talk about this Problem.

I am starting to dislike his Kids because of thier Attitude towards me, and thier Fathers attitude towards me and Dave.

That is why I tried Ignoring Ana and Owen when they make Stupid things, I directly approach my Husband and tell him whats going on and let him handle the Situation,
because too tired and fed up to be mis understood.

And Now his complaining. I became to be the Enemy again just because i let him Handle everything regarding his Kids.
And Ana and Owen still disrespects me as of Date.
I just cant take it anymore.
I need help

AliDale's picture

Hi Tog, thanks for your Comment.
Dave is really a good Boy, sure his not an Angel but to compare some Kids on his Age, he has Possitive Advantages.
I am trying to raise him well so that He doesn't have to deal problems with my Husband.
He loves his small Brother so much and like any other Kids, they tease each other (all 4 of them) and sometimes Dave also teases Ana when she ask something or telling him to do something he sometimes says "No" but hes making it...
Ana also became strange to Dave, she doest like him to be near her, nor to be touched by him.
They fight everytime because she is not treating him Nice, she became very unfriendly towards Dave.
And when my Husband hears Dave say "No" he starts to be grumpy at him, he starts to scold him, that he doest listen, and his Hard-Headed and some more hurtful comments which I dont like. Then I start to enterrupt telling him if hes not be able to recognize that it was just a tease to Ana. Then he says that Im taking cover of Dave, ofcourse I am because he is not be able to see Facts to it.
Im at the Moment very depressive with my Situation.

Stormyweather's picture

Seriously the only way this man your husband is going to get it is for you to leave. Take Dave and leave him to handle his own mess. You will be surprised at the wake up call this will give him. He needs to experience what you are going through, in order for him to understand you it seems as he isn't prepared to see it from your perspective. I did this and it was for the best and he now gets it.

AliDale's picture

Thanks Stormyweather
It is at the Moment not Simple to just leave.
I was the Whole time Housewife.
My life was pure, Husband-Kids-House...
I even dont meet friends outside because there are a lot of things to do at Home, and I prefer everything to be done first before anything else. My Husband is a Good Man, he earns Average which is just exactly enough to pay all the Bills and Budget all our Expenses.
I am the Accountant at home so I make all the Budgetting.
He has suffered a lot in his Life, from his Mother who was very Dominant, passed to his First Wife(Anas Mom) who was beating him all the way, which he never knew that she's Bipolar, they Met here in US and told him she will visit him in France. (No Sexual Contact)
So she came to France with Full bags and said she cant come back to US, so my Husband decided to apply a Visa for her, and a Month later she said she is pregnant, for the Excitement that his gonna be a Father she married her and applied a Residential Permit.
When her stomach started growing, she started to get very aggressive, she is beating my Husband all througout.
She has an unwanted Pregnancy, Self Centered.
Police were once a month at thier Residence.
What happened next is that Ana was born a month earlier than the expected Date, the Dr. Said it was a normal Delivery and the Ana is Completely Developed, so that means she is Pregnant before she came to France.
My Husband heared the same comment from his Mom and Friends that maybe Ana is not his Child.
But he Ignored everything because he was very happy of the thought that he is having his Own Family.
The beating is still continuous and he stayed beacause of Ana, The Last fight was when he was almost got killed by Ana's Mom.
The Best thing that my Husband did was not to fight back at her, else one of them will be Killed and that would be my Husband.
Because during that time 2 Police were there trying to Stop her but they couldt, they have to call 3 more to shut her down. OMG

Then the Next livein parter who was a very Good liar, the Mom of Owen.
She told him so much lies about what she is, what she had, a Complete lier.
My Husband's Mom told her not to have a Baby since the fight for Ana is not over yet,
She answered that its not possible for her to get Pregnant because she had a Big Operation before. Which she also said to my Husband.
What happened?She got Pregnant!What came out? Owen an unwanted Child.
During the Pregnancy she was all the way Drunk, into Drugs, Party their-Party here.
As i said Owen was born premature 25Weeks as big as my Palm.

And then 2008 her Mother died living him a testament full of Debts behind. His father is deceased since he was 18.
He has a brother, but hasn't had a Good Contact to him. An A--hole.. Also made my Husbands life Difficult.
Moms Best Son because he makes everything what she want.
Him not knowing the Debts he will have, signed the Testament.
That time he was also underpressured by the Bank, like sign it now, or else your Parent's House goes by Nextweek to an Auction.

Then I came into his life with Dave.
Knowing he has 2 Kids and his life, I tried to accept everything.

Then he became sick 3 years ago, Cancer.
Has a very Heavy Operation, me not even knowing if his gonna Survive.
But still I tried to manage, i dont have anybody here. No Family, No Friends.

Since then We lived together I forgot about myself.
It was 4 years and still a Heavy Life.

And we have a common Child, Our Sunshine.

I just cant, after all. i dont want go waste my Sacrifices and just leave.

onthefence2's picture

Because I have a girl12 and a boy13 I can attest to some of this behavior being completely normal at this age. They are between a child and adult and not all kids transition smoothly. Making t worse is the family dynamics. Their family history and mother abandonment also affects it, not just how you and their father handle them or interact with them. I agree that dad needs to deal with them on a day to day basis and you may need to leave for a time. What you are describing isn't right for dad to do. You both need to get on the same page about how things will be handled. A counselor might be necessary as it doesn't sound like your dh trusts your opinion on the matter.

2old2tired4this's picture

Since the BM's of his children are out of the picture and you are the one at home with them then I suggest you just discipline them as you would your own. What consequences do you give them when do do not listen to you? When you ask them to do something or they are disrespectful then you should take away privileges like no tv, or internet time or what ever type of discipline you would normally give depending on the situation. You must demand your own respect because it is obvious your husband is not going to do it for you. If the complain to their farther than tell him you do not tell him how to do his job at work so do not tell me how to do my job at home. I really wish you a lot of luck it sounds like you have a very difficult situation.