Hi!

I'm new, and this is my first post...

I'm wife to a great guy, mom to a fabulous 20 month old, and step mom to a very challenging 7 year old girl...

(I'll try to keep the background short to get to the issue) DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for 5. When we first started dating, I did A LOT of observing, and DH and I agreed that I wouldn't meet his daughter until we were serious as he didn't bring women in and out of her life...Fabulous...In the meantime, I'd spend most days with him when he didn't have his daughter...When we were together, he'd talk to his daughter and her mom usually every day...I made sure before I got into a serious relationship he was 1) in his kid's life, 2) supporting her (willfully) and 3) the relationship with the BM wasn't...crazy...

Well I did my due dilligence (so I thought)...DH and his BM had an "agreement" to his support (they got it noterized and all), but when I found out, I told him I couldn't marry him unless it was done through the courts...He was okay with that, she wasn't...(we learned later that was because she was collecting welfare benefits as if she wasn't getting any support from DH...HIS bad...)...Anyhoo...He figured they were cool as he'd spoken to her the day before they went to court to set up everything through the courts...Well when she got there, she started screaming that DH raped her (hence why she got pregnant), beat her, sold drugs and had guns in his home and she was afraid for her daughter's safety if she was with him...(which was odd as SD was JUST with him that previous weekend)

Fortunately, the courts saw through it, and pretty much told her to shut it...They set up everything correctly, the end...NOPE...She's since taken DH to court 17 times for various reasons all of which the judge has dismissed...He's now made SD a ward of the state as he's sick and tired of DH and the BM coming to court...(we haven't "seen" anything come of that...I think he was just threatening to stop the drama..dunno...). After that court hearing, she promptly attacked DH on the courtroom steps in front of police officers, and went to jail...She's still being prosecuted for this as she keeps pleading innocent (she says DH "provoked" her to hit him) *blank stare*, so it's now going through the Grand Jury *sigh* The witnesses for the State are 2 freaking police officers who watched her attack DH......UGH)

Now, poor SD has some SERIOUS issues, and DH has requested that she get counseling...She was kicked out of kindergarten for asking a little boy to see his penis (she actually said dyck...), but that was just the straw that broke the camel's back...She had a laundry list of issues going on...DH was constantly involved, but as her teacher, the VP and Principal would always tell him, "She's not with you enough...Having her every other weekend and every other Thursday isn't enough"...

So here's the issue...When talking to the folks at the school she was kicked out of, the VP told DH that SD needed help dealing with DH and BM's divorce. DH said he was floored as he and BM were never married...never lived together...and sadly, never a couple...The VP said that changes the focus of her recommendations as the BM told them that SD was having issues dealing with their divorce...

A part of her being able to get into another school, she had to go to counseling...Great...

Fast forward to now, SD is in a summer camp, and again the administrators are giving a report of SD's behavior, and telling him that she's having a problem with the divorce...DH again informs them that DH and BM were never married...there was no split up...there was no divorce...The ONLY life SD has ever known is lived in two places...

So DH is talking to SD on the way home, and is asking her why does she think she's having some discipline issues, and SD says it's because of the divorce and a book her mom gave her to read. Apparently, BM has been telling SD that her and DH got a divorce. She gave SD a book to read about divorce, and SD says she's been having nightmares about it. She said that her mother told her that DH left her, and now she's afraid that DH is going to leave her, too...

Normally, DH and I just give the stuff BM says the "big eye roll" and keep it moving, but this is something else altogether...Under normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't care that BM tells folks that DH and she got a divorce (maybe that's her way of dealing with whatever is going on in her life) but when she got SD involved, it introduces another dynamic that can and IS harming SD...

DH and I do not under any circumstances say anything negative about SD mom...I'm product of a broken home, and I KNOW the damage that can happen...Conversely, my dad did get married to one of the most fabulous women I know, and she NEVER said anything negative about my mom, and neither did my mom her...My mom NEVER sent negative messages through me (or my sister), never caused drama...and threatened us with death if we went to our dad's house acting a fool or being disrespectful to our step mother...(and we believed the death threats)...So with that, we're VERY careful of what we do and say...DH is trying to tip toe around the issue. He says 1/2 of him wants to just say, "Whatever" and assure his daughter that he's not going to leave her and just let her mom say whatever makes her feel good. Then he says the other side of him is thinking of the future when his daughter truly understands what divorce means and can really understand the type of relationship he had with her mother, and if she's gone years with thinking they got a divorce and DH left them, it wont fare well for him with their relationship...(He already has challenges as BM tells SD that DH is going to beat and kill her...not kidding)....

Anybody ever deal with anything like this? How did you address it? Did you ignore the lies? If so, how did it turn out after years??

Again...Sorry so long...I honestly don't know ANYBODY that has dealt with this...