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Have a stepdaughter, expecting "our" first soon

sheila50's picture

I currently have a 6 year old SD who is a clingy, manipulative child. She is permanently attached to her dad's side, and he spoils her to no end - no discipline, rules, structure. Her BM is not in the picture and hasn't been since SD was 6 mos old. DH's friend's wife basically raised SD as DH works 60+ hours per week. Since we've been together I have been expected to be the one to pick her up from school, make her dinner, do homework with her, etc.

When DH is around though, I have no role in her life - it's all about the two of them and they go back to their old ways of living. I have tried to talk to DH about setting some structure up with SD (ie a bedtime!) and being consistent, but he refuses and says that the way he does things is just fine and she's a perfect little child. I am a child psychologist and he says I am too used to dealing with "screwed up kids" to know what to do with normal ones. He basically told me that I didn't know anything about parenting, so I have completely backed off and don't do anything for SD unless he specifically asks first.

We are expecting a baby in few months, and my worry is that he is so sure that his way of parenting (if you can call it that) is the only right way that he won't let me have any say with this child and will insist on the same lack of structure, routine, etc. How do I set this up for the baby when he is so oblivious and when it doesn't exist for the SD? And how do I show that I kind of know what I am talking about? His mom and sister totally agree with me but he won't listen to them either...

Aeron's picture

You're afraid he won't Let you have any say with Your baby?! Seriously? If that is a valid concern, you shouldn't be having a kid with this guy and if it is, you need to be looking at your exit plan. It's YOUR child. There is no Letting or not letting you have a say in Your child's life, upbringing and welfare. You make a choice to assert yourself or not and if you don't, then you'll be a crappier parent than your husband.

As for the rest of the problem, you can try to get him to go to some parenting classes with you or to therapy. But generally, when someone is so deadest that they are correct and the only correct, there isn't much that will change their mind. I would personally stop doing even what he's specifically asking you. If he wants his oldest child to be completely federal than he needs to be completely responsible for her. You don't cook, you don't take responsibility for homework, none of it. Daddy dearest thinks you don't know anything, then he can get a more competent care provider for the princess.

This is not a situation that is going to be resolved without conflict and confrontation unless of coure you are the best passive aggressive manipulator in the world and going that route would probably backfire in the end.

Disneyfan's picture

If the two of you are so far apart on parenting, why did you decide to have a child with him?

sheila50's picture

Thanks for the comments and advice. It seems so straightforward when helping my clients; I never realized how much harder it is to deal with these things when they are happening to you. Of course, I mainly deal with the kids, and their parents are obviously open-minded since they brought them to me in the first place...

I thought having one of our own would make things easier - then I wouldn't feel like such an outsider. But it seems like things have only gotten weirder between DH and SD since I became pregnant.

I will definitely stand my ground when it comes to the baby's best interests. I just don't want it to escalate into a conflict that ends with me leaving, as the risk of having the baby spend half it's time with DH unsupervised is so much worse. So I'm just trying to be proactive and get as much insight and advice as possible in advance....

cati1012's picture

I too am awaiting the arrival of "our" child. I have a BD and he has a BS who drives me crazy. I cringe at the thought of my soon to be son being anything like my SS. It really makes me feel so much better when I read that other people have the same worries and feelings as I do. I felt like such a witch until I found this site.

If you need to vent feel free Smile

luchay's picture

You know - it IS possible to get him to go along to parenting classes with you (yes yes, we know it's FOR him!)

BUT - what you tell him is that you are worried because your parenting ideas are SO different, and you obviously will be having MORE of a say in how the baby is raised, and you want to both be on the same page.

You are unwilling to just go along with parenting the baby the way he parents his daughter, that if he goes to a class with you (and here is where you do your research BEFORE hand - find a good, proven, well known class structure that also just happens to teach parenting the way YOU feel it should be (and I am guessing 99% of the parenting population) Anyway, if you both go together and tell him IF the classes say that the way he is doing things is right then you will go along, and if they advocate perhaps different methods he is to by all means discuss and debate his parenting ideas with these other experts and hopefully that will allow the two of you to talk together afterwards about what you BOTH as the childs parents feel is how you want your child raised.

What I have done with my OH (I have 4 dd's - 24, 21, 11 and 8 and he has sd13 and ss10) Anyway, at first it was subtle hints - when watching something on TV - about what lessons a kid is getting from whatever.

WE lead into deeper discussions about what we are doing as parents (job description) what our goal is, and how we are going to achieve that goal.

Slowly slowly things are sinking in with regards to lack of discipline, routines, bed times, junk food, always saying yes etc,

I just always bring it back to "what is that teaching him/her?/what lesson do you think they get from this?"

christinen's picture

I feel for you!! I am not pregnant yet but DH and I are trying. My SD is 5 and sounds a lot like yours- very clingy ("daaaaaaaaaddy") and DH enfoces no rules and no discipline with her.

Just last night, DH and I went to bed later than normal (midnight) and SD was still sitting in her room playing on her tablet and watching TV when she had to go to school today.

I've tried everything to get him to see the error of his ways and how he is damaging her. I've done tons of research, I've printed or articles for him, I took him to see a counselor (twice), thinking that if he heard it from a professional he would see the light.. no such luck. SD is as apoiled and bratty as ever, and I know for a fact it will get worse as she gets older.

Makes me nervous to have a child with him but I am not going to not have my own child just because of the mistakes he makes with SD.

You have to stand your ground on this one. This child is YOURS too, where SD technically is not. He can no longer say it's not your kid, or you don't have kids so you don't understand.. all his excuses will be out the window.

onthefence2's picture

Wow, your DH sounds like an ass. What degree does he have that makes him an expert on parenting? Man, that is infuriating. It will be different when your baby comes. He will be too busy doting on SD and making sure she doesn't have a jealous bone in her body. So you will have lots of one on one bonding time with your baby. Sm1994 is right. And in 10-15 years you can say, "I told you so."