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Hate this!

Lotsofus's picture

I'm a Mum and a Step mum. All of our children live with us. 

I have 3 he has 2. The Bio mother of his 2 is a peice of sh*t to put it lightly. 

We are expecting our 1 and only child together this October.

I hate blended life. I have to admit it.. I do. I hate it. It's gotten worse and worse.. it never used to be like this.

Every single one of our kids have medical problems. Mine have ADHD,Sensory and mild Hearing loss and one is a teenager so naturally an asshole.

His have coeliac disease and the encopresis.. my whole damn house is filled with broken children.

The mother of his kids pays nothing no child support nothing.. does nothing and critiques everything we do and causes problems any way she can she doesn't even have overnights any more. 

We get respite from mine as thier bio father has them for 3 nights a month but then basically we are stuck with his kids during this time so we never have any time to breathe or have time for us and friends are unreliable.. couldn't even get help on our wedding day for 1 overnight alone time on our wedding night...i tried to book a hotel room for both of our birthdays this month for one night and couldn't even get the sitter to have his 2  as mine were at thier doesn't matter where I turn there's no respite from his kids.

When we got Married his kids were going to thier bio mum's for visits and overnights regularly when my kids went to thier dad's so we had time to be a couple we can't even have a simple conversation anymore without his kids standing in the doorway eavesdropping, butting in mid convo or causing some scene cause we have turned our backs for 5 minutes, kids are always arguing with each other and can't even sit on a couch together without fights breaking out (he also works nightshift so its not like i can even save up my conversations for when they go to bed and have time with him then)

I don't want to deal with his kids anymore. I don't want to deal with having to feed my kids gluten free meals cause I don't have the time or energy to make separate meals cause his daughters coeliac... I don't want to deal with his son who still shits himself still at 9 with this encopresis problem (ehich would still be undiagnosed if it wasnt for me demanding my husband get it looked at before I walked out on him) i don't want to be thier mother... they have one and she should be accountable for this shit.

They should be living with her... not me. (However they can't because she's a mentally unstable junkie who lives on people's couches so he won't send them to her (I get that)... and the one time we tried she ended up getting admitted to a mental facility after 6 weeks from drugs and weird shit that happened in her house) but she's gotten worse and worse that she had her first visitation of only 6 hours this past Saturday after 6-8months of no contact at all.

I would probably have walked by now... but we have a baby on the way and I do love my husband... I mean if his kids didn't exist or lived with thier damn mother like they should,  we would have no problems. I expected over time I would grow to love his kids.. and I don't.. and it's just getting harder...

I just don't know how to "like" being a Step parent and stop resenting his kids for this less then ideal situation.

I have no one to talk to or bounce ideas off as no one has a situation quite like mine..:( it's so incredibly isolating feeling like your a bad person for hating the life you chose with these kids but also because there isn't one soul alive who can go.. " Hey I know how you feel" 



DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Anyway your partner could change one or two work days a month so you have alone time to look forward to together whilst kids are at school or a nursery or something. With me sometimes I am so tired by the time the kids go to bed, - sometimes I’m too tired and cranky to even want a hug from my husband. Needless to say that doesn’t go down well. My kids don’t have as many medical issues as yours (one needs hospital appointments for a eye haemangioma, and one now has sensory issues and ‘special additional needs’. It gets a little bit stressful with only a handful of appointments and stuff to remember so I really sympathise with you will have ten times the stress that I have, but you seem to handle it very well. I couldn’t be a step parent full time. I must admit I have got a bit selfish due to the way I have been treated, but I have massive amounts of respect for the  step parents that have to live with their step kids, and sometimes maybe it’s down to us to show appreciation for what you do when other people don’t appreciate what life as grown ups can be like.

Winterglow's picture

The only thing I can help with is the celiac disease. I have a daughter who has it and when it was diagnosed I decided that things would be simpler if our home became gluten-free. Most of my recipes adapted fairly easily to being gluten-free. The only exception we have is bread - her bread and our bread are kept VERY separate ... no biggie. Trust me, life is a lot simpler when you only cook one meal that serves everyone Smile

I know that won't solve all the rest but it's a start.

About the encopresis ... what does the doctor say about treatment? 

kaybee82's picture

Maybe i read her OP wrong, but i could swear she said she's tired of feeding her kids gluten free meals because of the time it takes to cook two separate meals. How is telling her to continue doing something she's been doin, and doesn't want to do, helpful?  Not to be snarky, just wondering.

Winterglow's picture

No worries :):

My point is that she should stop doing two separate meals and serve everyone the same gluten-free meal. It won't solve everything but might take a little of the pressure off her. 

tog redux's picture

Wait - you don't have to be the mother, because HE's the FATHER.  Let him cook for his celiac kid and clean up his kid's encopresis.  He deals with managing his kids' symptoms, you deal with managing yours.   Has he taken BM back to court to get child support? Maybe that would make her either pay, or step up and take some custody time so she doesn't have to pay.

What I hear is that he's dumped his parenting chores on you, and there is nothing to love about that.

As for never having time alone, are there any grandparent/aunts/babysitters who can watch them for an night or two so you can get away?

beebeel's picture

Well, five kids is enough to cause any home to be chaotic and with that many at least one or two is statistically likely to have medical issues. Soon you will have six, but hopefully the baby wins the genetic lottery because problems seem to run on both sides.

Hopefully, you are just venting, pregnant and hormonal. Because I can't understand why you would choose to have more kids when you're drowning in the ones you have. I have two friends with three kids each and only one of them has any special needs. Their homes are in a constant state of chaos, but they are the types who thrive in that shit. I'm not. At all. Which is why I had one child and that's it.

Tryingtomakeitwork's picture

There are so many issues you are dealing with, it is no wonder you are having a difficult time.  I found that when the children fight, I would punish EVERYONE involved, so that they learn to work it out on their own.  Otherwise, you'll have kids "throwing each other under the bus" and causing more work for you in doling out punishments.  How about getting the children involved in finding solutions to help you with the chores - folding laundry, anything to help you.  Doing chores could result in getting one hour of tv watching.  Or one of hour of quiet time (for you) could get them one hour of playtime for them.  Structure, rules, accountability, boundaries might help.  Just a thought, cuz it sounds unbearable for you now.