I wouldn't do that, but I would threaten to leave if he didn't start parenting his kids. In fact, that's what I did do. He stepped up, started parenting his kids, we got custody of them, and they're doing better.
I truly understand that you don't want to see them. Try to work overtime when they're there. Go to the gym, call a friend and make plans to go see a movie, grab dinner or lunch, take some free classes or classes at your nearest college, go for a walk or run, exercise on your machine at home (if you have one), take a bath, or read a book. Keep yourself busy.
If I threatened my husband so he wouldn't see his kids anymore, I would be a jerk. If he actually listened and cut his kids off because of what I said, he would be a douche.
No, you're not going to get anywhere by threatening to leave if he won't stop seeing his kids. Their his kids, no matter how bad they are they're HIS KIDS. Even IF he did that to make you happy, he'd end up regretting it and blaming you down the road.
You can either not be around when his kids are there, you can expect him to PARENT his children, and you can just simply leave because you can't deal with him having kids. Those are your options.
I would never threaten my DH with anything. But I did tell him, you may see or do as you wish with SD, but you can't make me. DH has respected my feelings and I respect his, it's a two way street.
If you do this, are you prepared for an answer you may not want to hear. What if he chooses his children over you? Look at both sides of the coin.
Never. I did demand that he PARENT the kid and if not, that he could see her or we could all see her OUTSIDE of my home. The last two times we saw SKID once we stayed at a nice hotel by the beach the other we went out to dinner. That was the last time I saw her.
This mostly came out of his inability to parent her and her being nosey in our home and constantly going to BM with every little detail about our home.
once in a tizzy-fit I sorta asked DH this question. Not that I would seriously want him to do it though, I was just upset at the time and wanted him to send skids to live with BM. he was really sad and said that he would do it... really I just wanted to see that I was his priority and had his loyalty.
Why do you want to test his loyalty by asking him such a question? What else is oigng on with skids and your DH?
i pulled a little reverse psychology on fdh when sd was 16 and just moved in with us, and was in a full force temper tantrum about how i stole her dad, made him stop loving her and changed him into someone she doesn't even know anymore. major dramatics and i was just sick of it. i told fdh when we were alone that if i was standing in the way of his relationship with his daughter, then i would leave because i was not going to be responsible for the destruction of that relationship. yeah, i said it to make him think. and it worked. he was instantly pissed at her and told me if anyone was leaving, it was going to be HER, not me, and then he called her and ripped her a new ass for the shit she was starting and saying to me. she still tried after that for a while, and she still blames me because daddy is not up her ass, but she knows better than to do some shit like that ever again. besides that, i don't even talk to her, so she has no way to contact me other than face to face, and she doesn't have the balls to say anything to me. she can't fb me because i blocked her and she is blocked from my phone so she can text me, either. i have heard that she has resorted to posting shit about me on fb. have at it, twat. i really don't care. she can't invade my life anymore and that is all that matters to me.
I've never given DH that ultimatum with SS27 - but I do know that I could do it.
And I might. That option is certainly on the table. SS is a horrible drunk who has had horrible rages in the past. He went to juvie for years for his violence. He was in jail just last year for beating up an older man.
When he visited us last month he got in a fight (that he started) with a thug on the street (probably trying to score some drugs). He has a huge chip on his shoulder, is an alcoholic, and goes into alcoholic rages.
I have never seen one of these. But if I EVER do. Should he lift one finger to me or my dog or even violently attack me verbally he will be DEAD to me. And I will pull out the option that if DH wants to stay with me then SS is toast.
I am more than civil to him. I would never provoke him. But I do figure he will screw up eventually. That's what he has done all of his life. He's a pathetic loser.
I was actually very happy that he has children and I started the relationship on a very positive and exciting note. I took them swimming and taught his daughter how to swim, played basketball with them , cooked dinner, treated them frozen yoghurt. I was very naive with rose colored glasses. Little did I know that he would be a disney dad , would not discipline and will let them do what they want to do . I planned bowling activities, we decorated a christmas tree and then the drama filled BM2 and his mother started the games. It was not nice. I endured but the last year left him to go see his children by himself at his mother`s for a year. He spend summer vacations with them etc. I let him go alone and he liked that - two separate houses. However, at one point I needed support and he had to go for a visit. It became obvious to me he wanted to visit and would not support me. I had to leave because I was not a priority and I walked away so that he can focus on his teenage children. It is ok with me now since I know that I never stopped him from visiting or told him not to go. Just dating a man with children is not my thing and will never do it. Teenage, adult or minor there are always major issues and too many people in your relationship ,marriage and everyday life and schedule. Leaving was the best thing I have ever done and saved my sanity and life from a drama filled, toxic environment. BM2 just got married and I hope that will be good for his teenage daughter and will give her a healthy role model to see relationship ,marriage and family.Kids need role models, people in their lives to set examples and teach positive lessons and behaviors. It is sad some men do not understand that.We all have free will and can leave at anytime. The important thing is not to forget our dignity and self - respect and love ourselves enough to leave when we see that the situation that we are in is not for us and is not a healthy relationship for anyone involved.
Threatened to leave if he didn't get his court shit done because I was not going to wait on that any more. Also have told him that I would leave if the skid treated me badly and he didn't do something about it, but never for the sake of not allowing them a relationship. I told him if I left, it would not be because of BM or the skid, it would be SOLELY due to his actions and how he responded or protected our family.
To threaten to leave to get him to stop seeing his kids is not exactly good karma in my book.
I donot think anyone is threatening to leave so that he does not see his children or have a relationship with them.When you love the man you want the best for him and his children. This is what and how I felt with my open heart and have done to the best of my ability. It is when the guy allows and is permissive of the alienation, drama, gossip from BM and MIL that is mirrored by stepkids disrespect towards us that we seek support from our loving men. But our attempt to ask for help is met by their fear, guilt, shame and issues piled over the years. Suddenly in their eyes we become an easy scapegoat( they start blaming us for not seeing their kids so often, or they call us jealous etc) for everybody`s problems and the years in which they never resolved their past. At one point all those issues and feelings met with little understanding by our loving men become so overwhelming that we want to leave. It becomes obvious that our loving man are not able to address the fear, the guilt , shame and years of issues piled in their hearts.The necessary change is not going to happen and they are not ready for it and some are quick to inform us directly others just show it to us with their behavior.
What type of men do this? Usually men who have a kid or kids from previous relationships or marriage/s and have plenty of unresolved issues. When you meet the guy there are signs that he has unresolved issues. If your are inexperienced in relationships of that kind you cannot notice and address them in a proper way and the first reaction is to misplace your frustration by blaming BM, MIl, stepkids etc. or the the situation that you are in. It is only when you seek support and advice that you can clearly and maturely assess the situation and can react in a proper way .
I was very positive and happy to embrace his kids and was doing my best. Little did I know that he himself has not come to terms with his parenting role and the type of parent and role model he wants to set for his children. Lingering issues of guilt , shame etc were preventing him from being a parent and a role model. Now I can see that clearly. Before I left was not able to understand that but I felt I needed to walk away so that he can focus on his teenage children and resolve issues he had about being a parent and a role model.
I have been struggling to find the life lessons in this experience for a year and a half and I believe that they have been revealed to me during that year and a half because I was seeking the wisdom in my experience.
I told DH that I was going to
I told DH that I was going to leave if he continued to refuse to PARENT his child and to stop treating her as my equal.
He can see his kid all he wants, but I refused to be treated rudely or with disrespect in my own home by his offspring.
I was this || close to freedom.
The problem may not be your partners kids. It may be your partner.
I wouldn't do that, but I
I wouldn't do that, but I would threaten to leave if he didn't start parenting his kids. In fact, that's what I did do. He stepped up, started parenting his kids, we got custody of them, and they're doing better.
I truly understand that you don't want to see them. Try to work overtime when they're there. Go to the gym, call a friend and make plans to go see a movie, grab dinner or lunch, take some free classes or classes at your nearest college, go for a walk or run, exercise on your machine at home (if you have one), take a bath, or read a book. Keep yourself busy.
I could agree with you if
I could agree with you if your post said "minor" children.
Sometimes a parent (yes even bio parents from an intact marriage) has to give up on a toxic adult child.
If I threatened my husband so
If I threatened my husband so he wouldn't see his kids anymore, I would be a jerk. If he actually listened and cut his kids off because of what I said, he would be a douche.
Welcome to StepHell. No,
Welcome to StepHell.
No, you're not going to get anywhere by threatening to leave if he won't stop seeing his kids. Their his kids, no matter how bad they are they're HIS KIDS. Even IF he did that to make you happy, he'd end up regretting it and blaming you down the road.
You can either not be around when his kids are there, you can expect him to PARENT his children, and you can just simply leave because you can't deal with him having kids. Those are your options.
I would never threaten my DH
I would never threaten my DH with anything. But I did tell him, you may see or do as you wish with SD, but you can't make me. DH has respected my feelings and I respect his, it's a two way street.
If you do this, are you prepared for an answer you may not want to hear. What if he chooses his children over you? Look at both sides of the coin.
Never. I did demand that he
Never. I did demand that he PARENT the kid and if not, that he could see her or we could all see her OUTSIDE of my home. The last two times we saw SKID once we stayed at a nice hotel by the beach the other we went out to dinner. That was the last time I saw her.
This mostly came out of his inability to parent her and her being nosey in our home and constantly going to BM with every little detail about our home.
once in a tizzy-fit I sorta
once in a tizzy-fit I sorta asked DH this question. Not that I would seriously want him to do it though, I was just upset at the time and wanted him to send skids to live with BM. he was really sad and said that he would do it... really I just wanted to see that I was his priority and had his loyalty.
Why do you want to test his loyalty by asking him such a question? What else is oigng on with skids and your DH?
i pulled a little reverse
i pulled a little reverse psychology on fdh when sd was 16 and just moved in with us, and was in a full force temper tantrum about how i stole her dad, made him stop loving her and changed him into someone she doesn't even know anymore. major dramatics and i was just sick of it. i told fdh when we were alone that if i was standing in the way of his relationship with his daughter, then i would leave because i was not going to be responsible for the destruction of that relationship. yeah, i said it to make him think. and it worked. he was instantly pissed at her and told me if anyone was leaving, it was going to be HER, not me, and then he called her and ripped her a new ass for the shit she was starting and saying to me. she still tried after that for a while, and she still blames me because daddy is not up her ass, but she knows better than to do some shit like that ever again. besides that, i don't even talk to her, so she has no way to contact me other than face to face, and she doesn't have the balls to say anything to me. she can't fb me because i blocked her and she is blocked from my phone so she can text me, either. i have heard that she has resorted to posting shit about me on fb. have at it, twat. i really don't care. she can't invade my life anymore and that is all that matters to me.
I've never given DH that
I've never given DH that ultimatum with SS27 - but I do know that I could do it.
And I might. That option is certainly on the table. SS is a horrible drunk who has had horrible rages in the past. He went to juvie for years for his violence. He was in jail just last year for beating up an older man.
When he visited us last month he got in a fight (that he started) with a thug on the street (probably trying to score some drugs). He has a huge chip on his shoulder, is an alcoholic, and goes into alcoholic rages.
I have never seen one of these. But if I EVER do. Should he lift one finger to me or my dog or even violently attack me verbally he will be DEAD to me. And I will pull out the option that if DH wants to stay with me then SS is toast.
I am more than civil to him. I would never provoke him. But I do figure he will screw up eventually. That's what he has done all of his life. He's a pathetic loser.
I was actually very happy
I was actually very happy that he has children and I started the relationship on a very positive and exciting note. I took them swimming and taught his daughter how to swim, played basketball with them , cooked dinner, treated them frozen yoghurt. I was very naive with rose colored glasses. Little did I know that he would be a disney dad , would not discipline and will let them do what they want to do . I planned bowling activities, we decorated a christmas tree and then the drama filled BM2 and his mother started the games. It was not nice. I endured but the last year left him to go see his children by himself at his mother`s for a year. He spend summer vacations with them etc. I let him go alone and he liked that - two separate houses. However, at one point I needed support and he had to go for a visit. It became obvious to me he wanted to visit and would not support me. I had to leave because I was not a priority and I walked away so that he can focus on his teenage children. It is ok with me now since I know that I never stopped him from visiting or told him not to go. Just dating a man with children is not my thing and will never do it. Teenage, adult or minor there are always major issues and too many people in your relationship ,marriage and everyday life and schedule. Leaving was the best thing I have ever done and saved my sanity and life from a drama filled, toxic environment. BM2 just got married and I hope that will be good for his teenage daughter and will give her a healthy role model to see relationship ,marriage and family.Kids need role models, people in their lives to set examples and teach positive lessons and behaviors. It is sad some men do not understand that.We all have free will and can leave at anytime. The important thing is not to forget our dignity and self - respect and love ourselves enough to leave when we see that the situation that we are in is not for us and is not a healthy relationship for anyone involved.
Threatened to leave if he
Threatened to leave if he didn't get his court shit done because I was not going to wait on that any more. Also have told him that I would leave if the skid treated me badly and he didn't do something about it, but never for the sake of not allowing them a relationship. I told him if I left, it would not be because of BM or the skid, it would be SOLELY due to his actions and how he responded or protected our family.
To threaten to leave to get him to stop seeing his kids is not exactly good karma in my book.
I donot think anyone is
I donot think anyone is threatening to leave so that he does not see his children or have a relationship with them.When you love the man you want the best for him and his children. This is what and how I felt with my open heart and have done to the best of my ability. It is when the guy allows and is permissive of the alienation, drama, gossip from BM and MIL that is mirrored by stepkids disrespect towards us that we seek support from our loving men. But our attempt to ask for help is met by their fear, guilt, shame and issues piled over the years. Suddenly in their eyes we become an easy scapegoat( they start blaming us for not seeing their kids so often, or they call us jealous etc) for everybody`s problems and the years in which they never resolved their past. At one point all those issues and feelings met with little understanding by our loving men become so overwhelming that we want to leave. It becomes obvious that our loving man are not able to address the fear, the guilt , shame and years of issues piled in their hearts.The necessary change is not going to happen and they are not ready for it and some are quick to inform us directly others just show it to us with their behavior.
What type of men do this? Usually men who have a kid or kids from previous relationships or marriage/s and have plenty of unresolved issues. When you meet the guy there are signs that he has unresolved issues. If your are inexperienced in relationships of that kind you cannot notice and address them in a proper way and the first reaction is to misplace your frustration by blaming BM, MIl, stepkids etc. or the the situation that you are in. It is only when you seek support and advice that you can clearly and maturely assess the situation and can react in a proper way .
I was very positive and happy to embrace his kids and was doing my best. Little did I know that he himself has not come to terms with his parenting role and the type of parent and role model he wants to set for his children. Lingering issues of guilt , shame etc were preventing him from being a parent and a role model. Now I can see that clearly. Before I left was not able to understand that but I felt I needed to walk away so that he can focus on his teenage children and resolve issues he had about being a parent and a role model.
I have been struggling to find the life lessons in this experience for a year and a half and I believe that they have been revealed to me during that year and a half because I was seeking the wisdom in my experience.