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Had an interesting conversation with SS12 last night.

totalof4's picture

I don't "usually" have alot of problems with my skids anymore than normal age appropriate crap! Similar to the things I get from my bios. I learned a while ago that my problems with my skids are rarely caused by the skids. The problems seem to stem from my DH, and the self-righteous BM. DH mostly because he is ladened with Guilty Daddy Syndrome and that can really get out of hand. ~He has improved alot over the years~... BM well she does some PASing, she wants everything she can get out of DH, and she wants desperately for my skids to NOT have a relationship with me.

Last night I'm here with my step sons alone. Hubby ran an errand, my bios were hanging out with their friends!! I didn't mind, because we were having a good time... I'm in my room and tell SS12 he can come in to get a gun to go squirrel hunting (we keep all the guns in our room when not in use). Well he sees my StepMonster book and of course he asks, poor kid probably thought I was studying to become a StepMonster. I told him I am and have been for a while learning what I can do to improve all our lives, our stepfamily situation and relationships. He is a pretty sharp kid, so he understands what I'm saying without alot of detailed explanation... I step out on a limb and ask "SS12, Do you think that I'm an evil stepmom?"- Without hesitation, he replies, "YOU? No Way, You are good to us", "However, Dad is alot worse than you, he makes things more difficult than they have to be." I commented that I understood what he was saying. My DH is a Guilty Daddy, feels bad for leaving his kids, not BM, but feels bad for leaving them WITH BM. (He did try to get them in court twice)... He is so busy being guilty that he OVER PROTECTS. So SS12 says, "No, You are fine, you are good to us. THEY are crazy" I couldn't help asking exactly who he was referring to.. He said, "Dad is just well, I don't really know how to put it, he is the one that makes it difficult here... and our MOM, Well she is worse than him and she is just plain ridiculous!!!!" -

I went on to tell him that I am doing what I can to help matters. So we walk into the living room where SS10 is playing... SS12 says, "Ask him what you asked me" I had not intended to ask SS10 anything.. Upon SS12 insisting that I should hear what SS10 had to say, I asked him "Do you think I'm an evil stepmom?" He looked at me a little lost. I said, "I mean do you think that I'm mean to you and SS12?" -- He laughed and said, "Let me get back to you on that"- I said ok and went on about my business.. A few minutes later he came in and said, "No, but can you do something about Dad?"

Later, alone, after the kids were in bed... I shared this with DH. He seemed to let it sink in. We talked about it and I made sure he knew I didn't respond to anything SS12 has said about their BM.. but I really think DH was listening... Smile

Freedom2005's picture

Nice! Smart Kids... you are so blessed!!!

I am very happy for you! Let's just hope Dad listens!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

purpledaisies's picture

WOW awesome. That was the best thing any step mom could hear. I remember the day that ss15 (11 at the time) got so mad at his mom for calling me a bad mom that he told her off and defended me to her! He got grounded. I told him to not worry about me to leave it alone, he being stubborn did it again and defended me and got grounded again.

I know the feeling you have right now. It is a wonderful feeling. Especially when you know the kids get it and won;t let their mom pas them.

hismineandours's picture

My ss is 12.5 and he has nowhere near this degree of insight. Heck, you could fit all of his insight into the stepfamily situation on the pin of a head. There are never any productive discussions with him about improving things as he is determined to dislike me although he quite frankly will tell me that I've never done anything wrong to him. It makes no sense and I do believe he knows it makes no sense but he doesnt seem to care.
So I am jealous of you that you seem to have an intelligent, thoughtful skid. It also reminds me that kids this age ARE responsible for thier behavior. I hear on here alot-that you can't blame the "child" because the parents are at fault-but here your ss is a lovely example of someone who completely gets his situation and chooses to behave appropriately.

totalof4's picture

Yesterday DH and I took a road trip to take care of some business.

We talked about this conversation, some things that I have learned taking a step-parenting class and from some books I have read (Step Monster and The Idiots Guide to Stepparenting). I asked if he was interested in things I had learned, discovered, found out, etc. He said he wanted to hear about it. I was talking and once I stopped just to think, gather my thoughts. He asked me to continue, said he felt he could get something out of the things I had learned.... (WOW)!!

He actually participated so it became a real conversation. He told me that he thinks often, "8 more years til I don't have to deal with BM anymore"- He said everytime he thinks it, he gets 40,000 more grey hairs. I guess just thinking about how LONG that is..

We discussed Guilty Daddy Syndrome and he confessed that is the hardest part for him. I mentioned that it used to be alot worse. He said he is trying to control it but sometimes, in various situations, the guilt of leaving the kids (no matter how much he had to get away from BM) is just overwhelming. I told him that I understand, but its only acceptable to a degree....going ridiculously overboard is just harming the kids. He said he knows, and has been making a conscious effort to curb it as much as possible. ~ I have honestly seen improvements over the years, but there is still alot to be desired.

We discussed that BM does and has always intentionally tried to cause problems between us. As well as that she does not let the kids come to our house when he is not in town (he works out of town alot). I don't fret over it, but the truth remains....she is doing it and telling my skids that "I" won't allow them to come here if their dad is not here... DH and I talked about BM always tries to make me the BAD GUY. When she attempts to put me in a bad light, he says he chews her ass out but he don't tell me about it because he is trying not to upset me with all the unnecessary BS. I explained when I can "see" she is making me the bad guy and I'm not told that he at least stood up for me, is what makes me upset. I let him know that I don't need him to CHEW HER OUT, what I need is for him to make sure she understands CLEARLY that her accusations and such are falling on deaf ears, that he don't give a damm what she thinks when it comes to ME.

Even if BM never lets them come here when DH is out of town, he is going to make sure the kids know that its BM, not ME that won't let them come here...- He used to get upset with me because BM would tell him that SKIDS don't feel comfortable in our home. With her insinutations, and his instant need to protect his kids he was immediately taken to I do something to make them feel uncomfortable... I was able to show him what I think is happening. I told him "That is why you only get this information from BM, but the kids never say anything like that about me." It also explains why SS12 cries and begs ME asking if he can still come when DH is not here. I asked DH, "Does that help you to see that they are being if not told, lead to believe that "I" am the evil one that won't let them come when you are away?" I think a light came on!!! THANKS GOODNESS. -

I think it went well. I think we may be getting somewhere. On a side note: has anyone else noticed how many times the letter BM come up in the CAPTCHA? or is it just our BM haunting me every way possible????? LMAO

ddakan's picture

OH, this was such a good story! Maybe Dad could lighten up a bit now and lets everyone enjoy their lives!!!

Good for you that you made some good progess!