OMG, are you sure you really want to marry into this?

How to put up with a selfish ex wife? Wrong question.

The ex wife has nothing to do with you. You aren't marrying her and she isn't causing the dysfunction in your home: your fiance is. He allows her and the girls to do as they please. If you think this is happening because of the ex wife, you are mistaken.

Long story short: I would not marry into this mess. Seems like they all need mental health assistance - and if you marry this crazy clan, so do you
Friendly "I told you so" in advance

How to put up with a selfish ex-wife:

1. Move into your own place.
2. Date the guy until his kids are out of the house.
3. Enjoy your life.

Here are HIS options:
Tell BM he will no longer take the girls on her time and stick to it
Agree to take the girls on BMs time as long as they amend the current custody order to reflect the new schedule (thus reducing CS)

And if he isn’t willing to do either, it means his balls are not his own or yours for that matter and you should heavily consider seperating finances, and maybe living separately until the custody order she’s out.

As for BM’s house, it’s best if you don’t think about how she’s running it. It’ll never make sense to you and you can’t change a thing about it.

The best thing about your story is that you are not yet married. Which means that you can run! This man will ruin your life.

WTH - Hon you are allowing this, BM is doing nothing.... she knows you are a doormat and thus she will keep on wiping her feet on you.

Now - you are not married, simply stop catering for the girls, you prepare dinner what you want, if they don't like it fine, either they go to bed hungry, eat Ramin noodles or SO makes a plan with his money.

Separate finances immediately if it's combined and disengage from the children, they are not your responsibility, they are not there to see you, they are there to see their father, tell this man either he sticks to the CO and visitation or you will move out, you entered into this relationship with controlled visitation, if you knew you would only serve as the nanny you never would've gotten engaged.

take it from me, those little girls tells their mum things about you, same things they tell you about the new toyboy, and they make it sound worse then what it actually are... they are kids manipulating adults, it's normal...

The real problem here is your fiance, please do not get married till these kids are out of his house, or untill he takes a stand and make you a priority

Biggest losers in a divorce are not dad and mom, but their children (of course!) and the people dad and mom go on to remarry. Divorce is accepted in our society, but not so much step-moms or step-dads. Everyone in the divorced family, BM, bio-dad (DH) and SKs will all be seen as having rights. You will be seen as having none. A good example is, someone implied above: If DH "is willing to spend multiple holidays with them," then what's the problem? This is society's take. Bio-mom and bio-dad can do anything they want, anything, and you have no right to object even though it may and probably will affect you personally. Like you stated, you want to spend some Holiday time alone with your DH, and this was not what mom and dad agreed to initially in the divorce decree. Doesn't matter.

And, This will still be the case when you are married and no matter how many years you have been married--you will be expected to suck it up and take it for every little thing, over and over, because it is okay for mom and dad to divorce, but they are not supposed to remarry, even though churches, counselors, you name it, all imply it is okay. Actions speak louder than words, and many of them will be going out of their way through their actions to let you know it is NOT okay. As a SM, you will always be expected to pay the price for someone else's divorce. Society has a long way to go in accepting that step-parents have any kind of say on what goes on in their own marriage or household. Like the example given, even if you were married and living in your own household, the expectation will be that you have to have every Holiday with DH's children whether you want to or not. It is all about them.

Don't mean to be a negative nancy, but, yeah, in the year 2017, SMs are still basically seen as hostile be.atchs, daring to intrude on the Royal Divorced Family's wishes. Anything BM or SKs want, WILL automatically be seen as what DH wants, regardless of the fact that you know so otherwise, because, duh!, you live with him and are married to him. None of that will matter, tho. You'll be seen quickly enough as Evil SM pretty much by all, who suckered bio-dad into marrying and now sprinkles mind-control dust on his cereal every morning to keep him in line.

This is why as a SM, you have to do what works for you, because no sooner do you do something or say something, then someone will be finding fault with it. Do what works for you, and remember: Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. That being said, how SM and SKs get along, has way more to do with BM and DH for the most part, than SM and SKs.

You will severely regret getting married. Smart thing would be to put the wedding on indefinite hold and stay in your own home. The odds are you will end up with those two full time almost immediately. Just don’t get married and keep reading what happens to folks on this site. I can’t tell you how many of us step mothers on this site have divorced in the last few years. It’s a significant number. Don’t marry him.

This is absolutely what society is saying--your marriage will not be thought as a marriage, because "parental responsibility and obligation do not change because mom and dad decide to part." In other words, kids first. But, what many forget is if the kids were the first priority, bio mom and dad would never have divorced to begin with. They would have sucked it up and took it themselves, rather than divorcing, remarrying, and then expecting their new spouses to suck it up and take it.

So, it is okay for mom and dad and the rest of society to act like hypocrites after the fact, after the divorce, and for everyone to go around pretending that kids come first. Then, if mom and dad remarry, their spouses are expected to drink the Koolaid as well and settle for being sloppy seconds in their own home, and gulp down the message to SM that, "Ha, ha! You thought you were getting a husband. Nope! What you're getting instead is a remarried old fool who will forever be treated and thought of as being dad and joined at the hip to BM. Ha, ha!"

That is absolutely what society is saying. All a SM can be is her own husband's consort. SM can't act like a mom, but BM and SKs, even adult SKs, can sure as heck act like dad's wife. Because, they still own him lock, stock and barrel. And, if SM even remotely acts like he is hers, then she is going to have hell to pay and be slapped with the Evil SM title in a nanosecond.

And, this may be true: "The ex- is not obligated to provide or arrange for you [SM] to have alone time." However, the ex- is obligated to follow the divorce decree. The SM in this case is not an Evil SM for simply wanting the divorce decree to be followed. But, I agree, that is the way the rest of society would see it--SM is Evil for simply wanting the divorce decree to be followed. And, of course everyone is assuming dad would much rather be with his kids on the holidays, and would not want to ever spend any time alone with his wife (SM) for the holiday. That is an assumption. Dad is a big boy, and he gets to decide. And, just like any married couple, dad and his wife have the right to decide what goes on in their own home, and particularly in their own marriage.

“are ready to place the interest and well being of another human being above your own” THEN THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED MARRIED if the kids come above everything and everyone else.

But that’s not putting kids first, is it? Barring abuse, alcoholism or cheating, getting divorced is selfish, isn’t it? Multiple studies show that kids don’t care if their parents are happy- they just want an intact family. What is your experience? You have a sibling who’s divorced? That’s why you can spout psycho babble? There are consequences to divorce and one of them is that you will no longer function like an intact family. That the child will be spending time separately faith each parent. That the PARENTS agreed to go to a judge and get a CO and abide by it. Yes, if you are thinking of marrying someone with children you should expect that the CO will be followed and that your wishes as an equal member of the household are taken into consideration. It’s clear you have it out for SMs because your sibling and niece have a SM in their lives that you enjoy vilifying. If OP has kids with fiancé then they will be spending time together as an intact family, which includes all or most holidays. If they then go on to divorce, they there will be the same consequences for all parties, including the children. Separate holidays, and not spending each holiday with each parent. And $2000 is a lot. My one child doesn’t need half of that in support and we live in an expensive part of the country.

It’s not divorcing your children just because you abide by a CO you agreed to. The fact is, children of divorce will never spend the same amount of time with their parents had they stayed together. OP has valid concerns that her needs will be put on back burner while “putting the kids first” is used as an excuse to disregard her needs. Guess what? Sms have needs too. Kids have needs too but many a time their wants are considered needs but a woman who marries a divorced father can and should expect that her feeling are considered too. You seem to consider SM an invisible person who slides seamlessly into a blended family. Things can and do change after a remarriage to also accommodate the needs of everyone else. This means that maybe OP wants a holiday with her SO alone as per the CO. This does not mean her fiancé doesn’t love his children or is divorcing them.

Notes to consider. All in addition to what everyone else posted.

Do people who love each other allow other people to harm or act disrespectfully to them? I don't - and I don't allow it, either.

This problem won't go away on its own.
There's no future with people who are doing this stuff.
You can ask your fiancé and his ex to change, but it's ultimately up to them.
If they change what they're doing, they will probably not feel comfortable and will likely revert back to their old ways.

I was engaged to a crazy one. Her mom assured me all would get better after we got married. It didn't. Not long into the marriage, I was out and trying to convince her to get help, she said I needed help (funny how "crazy" works!)... I gave her time to see - and took the time to see for myself - that, ultimately, SHE DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT US to come with me to a counselor. Was she afraid? Was she embarrassed? Was she delusional? Was she mad? Why wouldn't she come with me so we could heal? Burning questions you don't want to have to ask yourself... I'll save you the trouble of that looping tape: Once you realize it doesn't matter what the answers are to the questions, you can move on and file for divorce, and let the healing begin all over again.

That... Or you can move out and reassess what's going on; and like I think a little distance will prove, you'll be able to see him figure out how much you mean to him as well. But as long as he's getting what he wants (sugar in the mornin', sugar in the evenin', etc), he won't see any reason to change anything. If he sees you living elsewhere because his and his ex's permissive parenting is essentially shoplifting from yours and his relationship, maybe he'll man-up and set some boundaries. Let's not look any further than that at this point...

I'd stick to the visitation schedule that was hashed out in court. It gives kids the consistency all kids need, but especially kids of divorce. And think about this: when BM's honeymoon period is over with her one-night-stand-turned-true-love guy, she'll be dumping the kids on you so she can straighten out her messy relationship, move out, find a place, blah, blah, blah. If you insist on sticking to the schedule, you'll all know what to expect and when, but beware - this could backfire if YOU ever want to change the schedule. Adhering to the schedule would probably be more to your benefit than not, though, if she's as flaky as she sounds.

As for having them on all the holidays, many kids aren't shipped off to give parents a few days' break. If you can't tolerate them every day, maybe rethink this marriage because in a short time, even their briefest visits will seem an eternity. And there's always that chance their mom could die, get sick, go to prison, take off or any scenario that might land you with her kids day in and day out.

The BM's new guy...well, what can you do about that? You don't know him just as BM doesn't know you. It sucks for kids to be so vulnerable and it's why kids living with non-bio parents have a much higher incidence of abuse. But you're hardly in a position to say much given that you're no more their parent than the new guy.

N/A

days, no buts. When your fiance is over accommodating then bio mum sees

she can get her way. She is being irresponsible dumping the kids on their dad and running off with boyfriend and your fiance is an idiot for saying ok everytime. You deserve to have the rules and court order followed unless extenuating circumstances exist which in this case there are none. If the girls don’t like the new boyfriend because he is creepy, they can wreek hell on bio mum life

You don't deal with the X. You destroy the X when she gets toxic.

One of the few advantages that an NCP has is that they do not have to take their court ordered visitation with the Skids much less any additional time.

It is time for  you and your DH to say NO to BM when she wants to dump the StepSpawn off on you for the holidays.  Your DH needs to enforce the CO on BM with ZERO deviation.  She keeps the kids on her time and DH needs to refuse the occassional visitation just to drive home some clarity into BM's manipulative skull.

As for the picky eater StepSpawn... you already know the solution.. they eat what they are served or they go hungry.

Regarding enjoying the last 4mos of your engagement.... it isn't the engagement you should be worried about enjoying. It is the rest of your life.  The odds of things getting any better after the nuptials are somewhere between slim and none.  Your FDH is a ball-less pushover with his X and with his daughters. 

What is the appeal of spending the rest of your life with this shallow and polluted gene pool?

Take care of you.

Never mind.