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Getting ready to jump off the deep end..... anyone want to jump too??

Soon to be Step Mom's picture

I am so thankful I have found this sight!! I feel like I am going off the deep end!! Let me give you some info on our family, before I ask for help. My boyfriend and I moved in together about a year ago and are going to be getting married soon. I have two children 5-year-old daughter and 3-year-old son. He has a 12-year-old daughter, going to be 13 soon. His daughter, who is the only child, moved in with us in February, because her mother could not handle her. From his daughter’s point of view nothing was her fault always he mother and step dads fault and we always believed her. Every other weekend usually went great with some attitude but we blamed this on her age and the changes she is going through. Then eventually it became she was coming every weekend, because she hated being at her mom’s (now looking back it was because she didn’t get away with things there like she does at our house.) Her dad was hardly ever home when she was there at our home every weekend so I would watch her while he was at work. So when my kids where at their dads every other weekend it would just be me and her most of the evening. We would go out to the movies or shopping just her and me. I looked at this as time to bond with her. I have always treated her like my own and included her in everything. Well, she has always had an attitude and always had things handed to her. Being the only child, he and his parents done everything for her. She is very spoiled and has no respect. Since she has moved in with us we have seen a whole new side to her. I first thought maybe this is anger toward her mom because her mom pretty much told her to get out because she could not handle her. Her mom does not call and check on her and my stepdaughter has not returned to stay all night or to even visit. My problem is she will not listen to me, now that she lives with us everything is a struggle. I have to go get her dad before anything is done. She will argue about everything. We never have an evening of peace because she is always complaining about something and never grateful. She does things like throws one of the dog’s toys and “accidentally” hits me. Or take all the hot water so no one else gets a shower. I mean like spending 30 to 45 minutes in the shower with it running. What in the world is she doing in there??? She always is saying she is bored. And when her dad tells her no she will follow him around till he gives in. I am about ready to go insane. I thought this through and talked to my boyfriend, and we decided to have a family meeting where we all sat down and came up with some basic rules for her and my two children. During the meeting we told them if things were bothering them let us know. She said nothing. After the meeting, she went right back to disrespecting and back talking and not listening. She lies to my boyfriend about me, and tries to make everything sound like it is my fault. I ran across a letter this morning on the kitchen table from her to him. She lied all the way through it and told him “he should reconsider marrying me, because they never fought till I came a long.” I don’t know what to do she is trying her best to ruin our relationship. Should I tell my boyfriend I found this note and read it and that is all lies or should I act like I never saw it. It was sitting on the kitchen table this morning with his name on it, but it was after he left for work? What should I do about her attitude? He gives in way to easily to her? Thanks for any help!!

dtexas's picture

I am sorry that you are going through this and no one has responded to your post. I am in a similar situation, myself, except my two step children have not written a letter to their Dad and tried to cause a division between us, yet. However their already is one, because we have two biological kids together and they are suffering because of the other two mental and physical abuse. They hit and call names like "stupid, dumb, fat and ugly". Stuff their step dad used to do to them, supposedly. Anway, I would love to discuss this further with you, on this forum or in emails.
I think that it is your boyfriend, as it is my husband's responsibity to take control of their kids and force them to respect the adults. He should not let his daughter throw things at you and talk about you like that. He should tell her that you are his soon to be wife and she is going to respect you or get out. At least you are not married yet. I am married with two kids and feel hopeless over my situation. I feel trapped. Divorce may be my only option. You still have time. A man that allows his children to come first and run all over you is not worth it. Your relationship has to be first, and that doesn't mean that you don't love your kids, but they will grow up and leave one day. You are also their role models for choosing a partner. I can talk, and I know what should be down, but it is out of my control, as it is yours. It is up to our partners to change this behaviour, not us.
Keep a relationship with her bio mom, that is what I am starting to do with my husband's ex. Maybe that will help. You have be untied or it is not going to work.