Future stepdad, I'm slightly worried, nervous, and anxious. I'm worried how it will play out.
Hey, as you can all tell I'm new to this forum. I'll try to summarize everything as best as I can.
I met my S/O through work(I own a sales company)
She's here on work visa's.
We started dating a few weeks after meeting and ended up getting engaged.
Our marriage is coming up here soon.
Her BD/ex is very abusive and she has a son with him.
She had her son in her home country(south america) so that the father could not be an aggresor in his life.
Her ex calls her parents frequently to talk to them and see his son, but also threatens them claiming he knows where I live, how he's going to kill us, etc.
I told her I do NOT want them to talk to him anymore until the threats stop.
She hasn't been with her son since he was around 3-4mo old (almost 2 now), he's been living with her parents in South America. Our plan is to get married and work on her citizenship etc. She also wants her son to come into the picture and move here once she's here legally. We originally agreed upon having children a year from now. She told me that her son should be here sometime next year if all goes well. If that's the case she said she wants to spend a year or two with him alone before having our own children. So in total 3-4 years before I have any with her. I was sort of blown away and hurt when she said that. I get that I won't be loved as much as her own child, but these are turning into red flags. I've never loved someone so much/deeply before, and I'm worried if he gets here our entire dynamic will change negatively. She wants him to sleep in our bed, etc.
I'm worried that we'd be taking him away from all he knows, his country, his grandparents(that he's calling mom and dad), and moving to a country completely unknown with a man he's only seen on the phone.
I'm also worried that once/if we take him, her ex will figure out that he's no longer living with her parents, and get even crazier about everything, knowing that he's now stateside.
I told her all communication must stop between her parents and him. I told her I'm likely not able to be able to love him as much as my own kids, I told her that it might be better off if he were to stay in her home country. I didn't say it all that rapidly, but I let it go slowly and she was getting sad/quiet. I told her it's been on my mind and she got frustrated and said I don't want him. Which in reality, I can't say I do or don't.
We've told her parents to stop communication with her ex before, and they agreed, but continued to talk to him anyways.
I can try my hardest to love him like my own once he's here, but words are so much different then actions.
Am I in the wrong for thinking this way? or are these thoughts normal? Should I be worried/concerned about her ex(he lives 50m from me). I'm at a loss for words and don't normally come to the internet for help.
I'm not trying to say I don't
I'm not trying to say I don't want her son. We agreed on having our own children and a set time/plan for our future. It seems like she's going back on her word. When I confronted her about how we originally agreed upon a year from now, she said ok then just 6 months alone with him... Even then we wouldn't have our own child for 2-3 years if that's the case. I'm a little irritated, she told me she doesn't want to talk about this again. I've still got unanswered questions.
Red flag if she is not
Red flag if she is not wanting to communicate.
The son isn't going away
I dont know the answers to all your questions and I agree that there are many issues. The one thing you have to fully accept is that the son's existence isn't going away and whatever the outcome, he will be a factor for a long time.
I understand her wanting to have time to reestablish her bond with the boy but the one thing that jumps out is her wish to have the boy sleep witj you. Every expert will tell you thats a bad idea. I get the feeling she has a rosy, unrealistic picture of mom and baby. And, to be honest, neither of you has much child-rearing experience.
The more I think about this, the more worrisome it gets. Im thinking of a 2yo removed from his parental figures to live with a mom he doesnt remember and a new man. How will that work?
One thing I agree with: you guys should postpone your own kids for awhile. I think you will have your hands full, even if all goes perfectly. And, thats not even factoring in the violent ex and grandparents who arent following her wishes.
Good luck, I wish you all well.
I do think the best choice is
I do think the best choice is to leave her son in South America and visit him on holiday holidays and frequently throughout the year I just don't feel right taking him from his current parents as he wouldn't even get here until he was three or four years old and that would be such a change for a little kid I don't want resentment and I don't want hatred from him. However taking him away at this early of an age after it's all he knows might end up triggering that. Like to talk to her again about the subject and maybe go to a marriage counselor or some sort of therapist to let her know that this could end up badly and it could possibly ruin our marriage
Even if I agreed...
Even if I agreed about leaving the son with the grandparents (not sure), the point is SHE DOES NOT. Yes, seek some counseling, good idea.
There is a lot happening here
There is a lot happening here - one question, have you seen the message from the father to the parents in South America? Call me cynical, but I don't believe victim stories without proof. When her son comes to the US, the father will likely petition for some custody time and get it - so plan to have him in your life as well. If she's so terrified of him, why is she bringing the child back to the US? Why hasn't he tried to get the child back before now? Something doesn't smell right about the father story, or the whole situation. Are you sure you aren't being used for a green card? (Yes, steplife has made me very cynical about people's motives).
Overall, you have lots of doubts and you need to honor those. Don't get married with so many red flags flying for you.
I understand. He's not here
I understand. He's not here legally. He's not on his birth certificate. Was very abusive and hit her frequently. She had another baby with him but ended up getting an abortion. He harassed her constantly when she had her other phone.
Just FYI, if you want kids,
Just FYI, if you want kids, but she had had an abortion. It can 100% cause infertitily problems. Would you still want to be with her if this means no kids are possible?
I really do love her and I
I really do love her and I know that she really loves me as well there's certain signs that are very good. She gets along with my parents and everyone in my family great she calls them and talks to them almost more than I do they have a very good relationship and I don't think that would be the case if she was just seeking a green card
You have a choice to make.
You have a choice to make. Is she worth having without having children with her? That really is the core question.
Then there is the 5000Lb gorilla in the corner. This reeks of a citizenship marriage and a conduit for getting her son and potentially her extended family citizenship. Maybe even her XH.
The XH living with her parents does not pass the smell test in any way, shape, or form.
I would end this now before you end up hip deep in a shit show of monumental proportions. For sure end it before you spawn with this manipulative highly questionable partner.
Do yourself a favor and don't ever spawn with her.
He lives here in The states
He lives here in The states illegally I've seen the messages and texts between her and her parents and her ex-boyfriend he used to hit her a lot and even showed up to her work while we were dating. I've honestly thought this could be for a green card however the X is not on the birth certificate. Like i said he's also here illegally. The police have been trying to find him but with the measures and circumstances they've had no luck. I've told her that the only reason he calls her grandparents is because he's not willing and ready to let go of her. When we were originally dating and she had her old phone number he would call her on blocks numbers every single hour throughout the day. Because he's not here and legally I don't think he's able to get custody as well as being wanted by the police
Do not assume that here
Do not assume that here illegally means unable to get custody. The bigger issue is that he is not on the birth certificate and that can be overcome in many states. You and fiancé need to see a lawyer who deals in child custody issues.
You said that she is here on a work visa. A work visa is not a green card. There are different steps to citizenship. A consult with an immigration attorney to be sure all the i's are dotted and your t's are crossed might be useful.
Her son is in South America. The bio dad is undocumented. Is he from the same country as the son resides? What legal rights would he have, or get through court, in that country? If he's undocumented and the police find him (you said they are looking for him), he most likely would be deported to his home country? Could he then prevent her from bringing the son here?
He's from Mexico and doesn't
He's from Mexico and doesn't have citizenship in her home country that's one of the reasons why he won't be able to get the child from what I've been reading.
We live in a sanctuary state so if he gets caught it's likely one or two years of jail instead of getting deported
We've also had our own
We've also had our own pregnancy scares however we always got around them and figure them out if she was really looking for a green card I feel like having a child with me would be the easiest choice
You are engaged to a dead
You are engaged to a dead beat mother who is using you for a green card and is probably 100% lying through her teeth about the ex so good luck with that you will divorced the second she has that card and your money
We talked when I got home
We talked when I got home just now. I told her that I've been thinking about this, and that the communication between her mom and ex NEEDS to stop. If it doesn't i told her our relationship is in trouble.
she told me she's angry for keeping it a secret and not talking about it earlier, even though we did.
I asked her if we can talk and she told me she needs to be alone, and we can talk later. I'm not sure who but she's on the couch texting/talking to someone. Maybe her parents, maybe her ex. If it falls down it wasn't meant to be. I'm 99% certain she's not in it for the green card.
And everyone with two eyes
And everyone with two eyes and a brain know she is she doesn't even want to talk to you and you can't see the giant volcanic red flag waving in your face she is using you for all you have
What we say on Steptalk
" More red flags than a Chinese Commie parade".
Yes, lots of red flags here.
Yes, lots of red flags here. I would also be reluctant to marry someone with a child I didn't know who'd end up living with me. I'd pump the brakes on this marriage.
As the saying goes
Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
As has been pointed out - way too many red flags. What you are taking as love sounds more like manipulation. Agree to very much slowing things down and for heaven's sake don't get this woman pregnant!
Make sure you are using birth control - you not her so you know it's as effective as it's going to be. Don't trust her to keep herself from getting pregnant. You've already had scares.
Your fiancee sounds like my
Your fiancee sounds like my SO's BM number 2. From another country. Currently living with (or married to, depending on who you ask) an American guy. She always has an excuse about why she can't watch her own kids. My SO is from her country and she tells everyone he was abusive. But - she is always calling him and when we were first dating - hanging out at his house with him. Just her, her supposedly abusive ex, and the kids. The kids were always with the abusive ex, and she was getting child support. She would lie to her American "husband" about where she was. She had so many cover stories if people asked where she was, why she wasn't home, or who she was with. Here's the thing, though - they were all lies. She wanted to have her kids looked after (but not by her), freedom to go wherever she wanted, her bills paid (by American husband) and money (child support from Abusive ex who also "babysat" for her for weeks at a time.) I swear, if she tries to convince you to adopt her son, it might just be so she can get child support after you divorce. Hell, wanting the boy in your bed is red flag enough. You sound like a successful single guy with no baggage. I know it's tough out there but this is crazy.
Also, before anyone starts to
Also, before anyone starts to feel sorry for poor BM2 from a third world country - this b!tch drives a $65,000 car and has purses worth 3 of my mortgage payments. Eats out every night. Keeps almost $100k of her mom's money in a savings account to avoid paying taxes. There's survival and there's being a low down con artist.
Just out of curiosity, OP,
Just out of curiosity, OP, how old are you and how long were you dating before you got engaged? Do you live together?
There is A LOT going on here
There is A LOT going on here that I would be weary of... Are you prepared to be roped into legal battles? Are you ready to put aside your OWN wants and desires if her son is at the forefront? I personally think it is a lot to ask someone to put their entire life on hold for 3-4 years. Who is to say you would even bond with this kid? You don't know him, but are becoming a part of his life.
Personally, I would hold off on getting married.
Pump the Brakes.
Pump the Brakes.
Her child is not even 2 years old.. so you could not have possibly been dating her for very long before you became engaged.
(that is red flag number one.. rushing into a serious situation).
It sounds like she has some ideas about how things will be.. that don't at all take into account your feelings. No.. absolutely NOT .. that child doesn't sleep in your bed with you.. I mean... she has been fine not sleeping in the bed with him for almost 2 years now right??? crazy.
The Ex story... is suspect.. and if true is super concerning.... the legal and other risk implications? not sure I would easily sign up for the danger or potential cost in the future.. keep in mind her citizenship costs.. are just the beginning what about the custody and then citizenship for the child.. who pays for that???
And..... she refuses to discuss this with you any more.. even though you have legit concerns and questions...
Way too many red flags. I get that you are enamoured with this woman.. but she has a whole shipping container full of baggage.. and is making a lot of the calls by herself that should be partner discussions.
I would slow way down.. and put off marriage.. maybe until after she does resolve the issues with her ex and child..
Clearing the air.
To clear the air on everything. I haven't been as transparent with her either.
I used to be a huge debbie downer on my past as I didn't enjoy who I was or what I accomplished. She told me about some therapy techniques that I started to do. Yesterday morning I setup a facetime call with my old therapist from HS/college to talk about my past and try to refresh/move-on again. The topic went somewhat south and he asked me if she was in marriage for the GC. I didn't go to therapy to talk about me and her.
I told her all that part and she felt betrayed that
1) I went behind her back and didn't tell her I was seeing him, which I agree, I should have because I'd want to know the same thing.
2) She felt betrayed that when he asked and questioned about the GC and citizenship that I didn't tell him to screw off and stand up for her, because she has done that for me.
We were angry last evening, but once we settled down we talked from 8pm to 12 at midnight before going to bed.
As for the arguments she told me she doesn't think I'm ready to be a step-parent, and she's saying she doesn't want to make a mistake and get married if I'm not fully confident in what having a SS entails. I've had these conversations a few times with her and she thinks I'm making fake promises, which I'm not going to lie, I did. I don't want to have this conversation anymore as I've told her that I'm ready to be a step-parent 4 to 5 times, but my anxiety and nervous are causing me to over-think the situation, I really want him to like me.
She said if I were in your shoes I wouldn't marry someone with a child, she told me when she was single without a kid that she wouldn't consider dating a baby daddy. I told her that in reality, we're both going to be very new to this entire life. She hasn't been with a child that age everyday, and neither have I. It's going to be a giant change and we don't know what to expect. I told her that no offense but you're in the same position as me, the kid hasn't been around you in over a year. She agreed.
I asked her why she wanted him to sleep in the bed with us. She told me he's at an age where her parents are having him start to sleep alone and he's going to a kids school to know he's not the only child in the world. She told me since we're together I will have a say in what goes on in the house.
Also- her family is VERY well off in her home country, they've got a few houses. Her son is looked after constantly by her parents as they run a company out of home, along with her godmother and godfather. I asked her why she doesn't want to stay there and build a future since they have good connections, she told me once her parents die, then she doesn't have much family there, she's an only child with her son.
I don't want to spill too much information but she wants a better life for her son, her home country is Venezuela, which as many of us know, is in an economical collpase and social downfall.
Her and my sister are opening a business together. My sister was a former/current drug-addict, and she's trying to help get her on her feet, while opening a business they both enjoy(beauty). She gets along great with my family and talks to them more then I do.
She gets home from long days at work and does everything around the house, cooks, cleans, laundry, helps me with certain things I'm doing for my business.
At the end of the day I'm starting to understand why she's mad. She told me I'm not confident in where I want to be with her in 5 years, which is true. Truthfully, I have reasons to accept that. I'd like to say that fortunately every asset I own is under my company, which I'm only considered a "manager" of. I did it that way on purpose after talking to my lawyer years ago. The company has my parents as registered owners. Someone divorcing me won't get them anything but maybe my car and some basketball cards/computer.
I feel bad that I've brought this conversation up with her about my concerns about her ex/BD. We talked to her parents a while back and her mom agreed to stop talking to the ex, communication stops for a short amount of time, then she starts picking up the phone from him out of pity. Her dad absolutely hates her ex and has told me that numerous times.
When we moved in, she got a new phone number, moved out of the city/town where her ex lived, got a new job that he knows nothing about, changed her facebook/social media, and blocked all of his relatives from social media aswell.
I asked her if she wanted me to adopt her son and she said no, maybe after 10 years we can make that decision.
I'm not going to lie, some of the stuff I said last night was out of spite and anger from her shutting down on me. When she gets angry she shuts down for an hour then we eventually talk it out and all is good. She was crying and said she really does love me, and said if we want to postpone the wedding, she can move back in with her other room mates for a week or two, giving me alone time to decide. I told her let's stay together for the two weeks time and I'll make my mind up in one week, and really think about it. I told her I'll call and talk to friends with kids, and see what they have to say.
I do feel really bad for beating a dead horse, I've brought this conversation up with her multiple times and I think she's starting to think I'm making promises I can't uphold. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. Maybe i'm way too nervous and don't know what to expect. Either way I'm ready to go all out. Her parents have been together for 45 years, and my parents for 37. We both know that if we get married we're not calling anything off, and if troubles arise we figure out how to get passed them.
As for the EX/BD, & son. She
As for the EX/BD, & son. She told me she'll cover all the costs and paperwork for her son. She doesn't want me to hold her hand or be a financial pinata that she can go to for money and financial support.
Her ex has NO communication with her anymore, he's not calling and talking to her parents as much, or calling to talk to his son. He only calls them once or twice a week now compared to once everyday. I told her that once her son is here we need to file all the legal papers so he cannot get access to him.
Her son was born in Venezuela, her ex is Mexican, here illegally, and wanted by the police for domestic violence. She has a restraining order on him that I've seen and dealth with police and her before. Her old room mates also told me that he showed up at their house a while ago, and were hoping that he'd break into the home so they could blast him. Her ex is not on the birth certificate, as I've seen it with my own eyes. She's never been married before, and never engaged.
Her ex knows that if his son comes here, he'd be going to prison/jail and serving time because of his warrants for arrest.
As for one of the other
As for one of the other questions. Once we had a pregnancy scare we decided to get on birth control. She had an copper contraceptive put in. She covered all the costs of that and said she's never once been on birth control with a S/O, and said she doesn't want to mess things up between us, and we'll plan to have a child sometime when we're ready. Her body is really bad with the BC pill, and this was her only choice, which costed nearly $1000.
Trust your gut. If you keep
Trust your gut. If you keep feeling like "something is off", it very likely is. Too many people ignore that feeling... or get gaslit and manipulated out of it.
Trust your gut.
Don't you see the
Don't you see the manipulation here? Dramatically going to extremes?
I'm afraid I couldn't trust a woman who isn't stuck for money, who COULD take care of her child but chooses to walk away... Where is her sense of responsibility? And who thinks she can just rip him away from the only parents he knows? This woman only thinks about herself and HER gratification. RUN... Before you too become collateral damage.
Yeah, if they are so well off
Yeah, if they are so well off in her country, why did she leave her son? Why can't she keep him with her in the US? Can't her wealthy parents send money to help with daycare? They are raising him, surely sending daycare money would be easier. This does not add up.
Beagles galore in this thread
Beagles galore in this thread.
My only advice is, SLOW THE H DOWN, DUDE.
I've only been reading little
I've only been reading little bits here and there from everyone, including your replies. I don't even need the full story to want to scream DON'T!
You are getting yourself entangeled into an entire host of issues/problems/heart aches/breaks that you have no idea are coming your way. You are a pawn - that is it. Please realize that before it is too late.
She is telling you everything that says pawn except for your a pawn. You are too blinded by your feelings to see it. I promise you in 5 years when you are married, she gains citizenship, has brought her son over here, you will think back to this entire thread and want to kick yourself in the ass more than you have ever thought was possible.
She has to have that relationship with you, your family, and your friends because they will be potential witnesses if her integrity ever gets brought into question. Everyone will stand there and say yes, she is so great, soo nice, loving, ect. At the end she walks away with a smile with her citizenship or at the very least green card and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. And chances are you will be the asshole, the bad guy who did her soo very wrong.
For the love of god, stop while you are ahead.