Financial Responsibility
Hello Again!
New issue in our household. ME paying for things for my fiancee's 3 kids...
BF and I have been together for over 2 years now. We have had one child amongst us in that timeframe, while I also have my own daughter from a previous relationship that I solely take care of, and BF has 3 children of his own from previous marraige.
I have paid for things here and there for his kids, such as clothing, extra cirricular things for school, food, etc.. Out of the goodness of my heart, and because I wanted to. I quickly learned that BF's kids have ZERO respect for their things, and they are quickly destroyed /or they are ungrateful for the things that I DO get for them. It seems the main time they want something, is if they see my BD get something from me that she EARNED, and they want it too. WELL, I bring this to my BF's attention, and basically I tell him that "I cannot afford 5 kids ( 2 mine, 3 his)" I am financially comfortable paying for my bills, our life together, my kids' needs and their activities, but I should not have to pay for his kids too. They have a mom and a dad. BF is VERY cheap lol. So he doesn't ever really splurge or get them a gift "just because" or clothing seasonally like I do with mine, so I see his kids get very jealous with how "on top" on things I am with my 2 girls.
BF got upset with me and said "it's messed up that I don't cosider myself responsible for them since we are a family". Mind you, I NEVER said we wen't a family, and I DO consider us a family of 7. I just don't think it is fair for me to be considered a financial asset to them or to be made to feel that I am obligated to pay for things for them, outisde of special treats like ice cream or lunch/dinner if we go out.
Am I an A**hole? Should I be contributing more finncially to the Skids, buying them clothes, etc... as I do with my BD's?
Thanks!!!
He is taking advantage of you. Does he get paid enough to pay
for his kids, and chooses not to>
"it's messed up that I don't
"it's messed up that I don't cosider myself responsible for them since we are a family"
I'd say it's messed up that he doesn't care enough about his kids to actually spend some of his money on them ... Does he consider his income to be his "fun money" and yours to be "family money"?
Wow... he has nerve. No..
Wow... he has nerve. No.. you are absolutely NOT responsible for PAYING for his kid's clothing and treats etc...
Now, because you are the one who is "on top of stuff".. I see no problem with you FACILITATING the purchasing of seasonal clothing.. or signing up for extracurriculars etc... But your BF should absolutely be contributing a fair financial share to what his kids are consuming in resources.
Do you make a lot more? or is it that he is a cheapskate and won't open his wallet for anything.
I would simply explain that you expect you both to contribute financially to the household and children's needs proportionate to the kids involved. He has FOUR kids.. You have TWO. So assuming you spend basically similarly on all the kids.. he should be paying you a hundred dollars for every 50 you spend. Alternately, he can pay 100% of the costs of his 3.. 50% of the child you share and 0% of the child that is not his for costs within your home.. you pay 50% of the shared child.. and 100% of your unrelated child's costs in your home.
This isn't a matter of you not considering these kids family.. but the reality is that HE is the one who is not contributing to his family's support .. NOT you.
But if the dad can’t keep on top of things and chooses not to
Chooses to be a cheapskate then op shouldn’t feel obligated to go above and beyond over and above for the skids if their parents don’t care about this
Sad but true. My wife and I
Sad but true. My wife and I struggle to not pump money into the train wreck that is my IL clan. Particularly my SIL's part of the IL clan. She and her DH do okay but are always on the verge of financial disaster and collapse.
On the one hand we want our nephew and niece to be secure and not to be impacted by their parent's crappy choices. On the other hand any time SIL and her DH get help they use that help to make yet more crappy choices.
So we let SIL and her husband suffer. Sadly, we have to let the kids suffer as well. It is easier for us to let them all suffer due to the intolerable behavior perpetrated by the kids. If the kids were not such PITA ill behaved little shits it would be much harder to not intervene financially.
Letting kids suffer, even the toxic spawn of idiot parents, is not easy.
Yeah and often its like
Despite some kids being such pita because parents split up or haven’t been good examples, the basics like manners and respect they ignore or excuse for the rest of their life like they get a free pass from it all...
its like the social stigma of cod get a free pass for life “oh boo hoo poor kids parents got divorced over a decade ago and they’re an adult and still feral. There is no accountability
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
It is truly sad and pathetic when it happens.
I think what ESMOD proposed
I think what ESMOD proposed sounds fair. Each bio parent should contribute according to how many children he/she has, and also relative to their ability to pay. Obviously if there is a stay at home parent, they are contributing in different ways than financial. I never paid a penny towards the expenses associated with the SDs, they had 2 bio parents for that. We always kept separate bank accounts and still do. I am retired now, and my DH pays a larger share of household bills than me, because I have less income. I contribute with cooking, shopping and other housekeeping tasks. It has to feel fair to both parties.
It does have to be fair to
It does have to be fair to all parties.. so that means that one person doesn't unilaterally decide that they are buying "seasonal wardrobes" for all 5 kids and then hold's out their hand to be reimbursed for 2/3 of what they spent without a conversation with their spouse about how much he is comfortable spending on clothing budgets for his kids.
That's where things can require some compromises and lessons learned on relative fairness. For example, theoretically, HIS 3 kids (skids) have another parent that should be buying clothing for them etc.. or contributing money for that purpose. so, maybe OP isn't buying HIS kids equal amounts of things that the child they share gets.. because she is only buying relative to her DH's 50% share obligation for the kids.
They whine.. "well.. your mom also buys you stuff.. THIS is all little boy gets.. he doesn't have anyone else buying him things.. in another home.. you do."
So, you aren't obligated to make sure the Skids get equal in your home.. only that spending is equitable.. which may mean that the clothing etc.. that you buy is not quite as much as what you buy for the shared child that has two parents in your home contributing.. OR maybe your own BIO that you also get CS from your EX so are spending that on the child's needs.
I know it's hard to do for some kids in a home.. and not others.. because it "seems" unfair.. but ultimately, it's not your responsibility to make up for what may or may not happen at their other parent's home. It is nice if you volunteer to help your husband with his kids.. but that doesn't absolve him of the FINANCIAL responsiblity for this assistance.
Does he pay for stuff for
Does he pay for stuff for your kids? Is it one big pot that all kids get stuff from? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he wants you to pay for his kids AND your own kids.
Don't marry this guy until this is sorted out. It's not your job to buy anything for his kids.
What about the opposite?
What about the opposite? School year is starting, for example, and my partner is buying new clothes etc for SD. There is no freakin way I'd be involved in that, BAHAHA However, if we had our own children, I could see my partner letting me buy our kids stuff bc I'm so "on top of it" and then he just takes care of SD. How do I avoid this trap and ensure he will still contribute to OUR kids equally?
Good luck.
Good luck.
When it is time to go
When it is time to go shopping for your own kids, tell DH it is time to hit the mall and to grab his wallet and to get in the car.
Keep it simple.
Good point. I did this
Good point. I did this recently when we were buying new pillows, lol, not for the financial aspect, but bc he really needed to be there to pick his own pillow bc he's so sensitive. Also, maybe it's unrealistic of me when schedules get busier with kids, but I kinda imagined we'd do things together, including shopping for our kids (even if not all the time).
It's messed up that this man
It's messed up that this man is allowed to keep procreating when he can't fairly fulfill his financial obligation to each of them. It's messed up that a grown ass man thinks a woman should be financially responsible for his and another woman's spawned DNA.
^^This^^
He is responsible for his, you are responsible for yours, and you are jointly responsible for your shared child.
Please don't have any more kids with this man, and please hold him financially accountable. Don't be a sugar momma to a grown man when you have two bios who should come first.
Tubes are GONE! no more
Tubes are GONE! no more babies
Did he asked you if he should of made three kids
No that on Him. If he worried about his kids he should get off his rear and go out and buy them stuff. With his money. Not sit on his rear and try to guilt you. It’s easier to guilt you then actually do anything. He paying CS so BM should be buying her kids things. Your kids don’t have that. His kids get double gifts for birthday and holidays your kids don’t.
You should be buying your kids double what you get SK to be really fair. Disengage from SK, none of Your money should go to SK. They have a BM and BF you are not one of them.
You are not the a**hole, here
You are not the a**hole, here.
He's just one big loser/user.
He's just one big loser/user.
What a catch he is.
What a catch he is.
You are family enough to pay
You are family enough to pay for his kids and be responsible but not enough to put a ring on your hand.
Just keep that in mind.
My husband and I keep separate accounts. We don't intermingle funds. You pay for you and yours and he pays for him and his. You each should be responsible for household bills and contribute to groceries and your entertainment fund. Only you knows what you guys should be paying so that it is fair all the way around.
For example: My 2 kids live with us full time, DH has 1 that lives full time with us and one we only get a few weeks a year. I pay more in rent and do most of the food (I am essentially responsible for 2.5 bedrooms in our house and he is responsible for 1.5). I also pay more for utilities BUT DH usually pays when we go out to eat. So it is balanced in a way that works for us. You have to make it work for both of you.