You are here

Feelings of Jealousy towards step-daughter

oceangirl3's picture

Hello everyone. First off let me say I am new to this site. I desperately need a place where I can come and vent and hear others point of views. Talking to my boyfriend/fiance is just not working. He takes everything so personal, even when I do not make it about him, but how I am feeling. It is so frustrating.

Anyways, my boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He has a soon to be 10 year old daughter from his first marriage. The problem is, I am jealous of his daughter and am beginning to resent having her here every other weekend. Which, will probably turn into every weekend here when her mother moves closer. The problem I see is that everyone in her life feels so bad for her because of the divorce (she is the only child) that they want to give and do everything for her. The child is 10 years old and can not cut or serve herself food at the dinner table. I get so frustrated when she is here visiting because I feel like I am on "duty" and have to cook for everyone and clean-up for everyone. Heaven for bid I get upset when she is here, I have to put on a happy face and not show her any emotion. Her father and I have talked and he is like yes we are on the same page in terms of bedtime, discipline, etc. We are NOT! I feel she needs to be in bed by 9pm. I say this because then the boyfriend and I can have some time to ourselves with out her around. I know my boyfriend feels guilty for everything that has happened to her, but you can't protect her from everything and shelter her. That is not teaching her anything. I have tried so many ways to talk to my boyfriend, but it just does not work. All I get is when you have kids you will understand. So, annoying and frustrating to hear that. I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is I get extremely stressed when she is here and I am beginning to resent her and her father to a degree. I also am jealous, because when she is here it is as if I do not exist and all I am is there to serve them. The daughter has no concept of responsibility, she does not know how to function on her own. It doesn't help that her mother is only looking for free babysitting when ever she can get the opportunity. I don't know. I am at my wits end and I am afraid this may ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. Any advice?

Coldandloved's picture

I completely agree^. I remember some of those issues myself when I first started getting more active in the home life here. "Can't cook that the kids won't eat it" They did NOTHING no help with dishes not even bringing a plate to the sink, my DH just did everything for them, he's always tried to make up for the divorce which was their moms fault. Eventually I started pulling back a little. I told him I loved him, but that I couldn't hold him back form his family when they apparently needed him so much... and then he realized he might be alone for the rest of his life if he didn't start making them more independant. One night the kids did do dishes and he felt insanely guilty! Ashamed even.... I had to talk him into realizing that kids SHOULD do this... Don't overdo the problems with the child, even though they are bad it will make him feel like a failure, and he'll get angry. Just tell him that you love him, you want it to work, but you can't play the game he's asking you to play.

stepmom008's picture

Agreed and agreed. He's exhibiting classic signs of "Guilty Daddy Syndrome". At 9 years old, a child should be doing chores (I just managed to get this implemented at my house) and sure as hell should be able to serve herself and cut her own food. Having said that, both StepAside and Coldandloved are absolutely right in that you can't do a damn thing about it. You can talk to BF and have "the discussion" about how you're feeling and how you feel that she should be raised to be a strong, independent young lady, not someone that's dependent on someone else for everything and that you are concerned that she's not being given any of the tools to do this but the fact of the matter is that (and I struggle with this daily) you are there and expected to have a hand in raising her but you don't get a say into how it's done. It's a little different for me because we have SD9 every other week so we can make her do chores, no problem but when you only see your SD EOW, I'm sure he just wants to baby her and do the Disney Dad thing because of his guilt. I don't know how to reconcile that, I think it's just something that you'll have to figure out if you can deal with. It's amazing what they can do once their parents show that they have the confidence in them to do certain things Smile It really goes both ways. Have you talked with BF about any of this?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

oceangirl3's picture

I have talked to my boyfriend about the very issues you mentioned. I am really, really, struggling with how to understand I am here and expected to help raise her, but truly do not have a say. My boyfriend feel's extremely guilty over everything and that makes this situation all that much harder. You can lead a horse to water, but you can not make them drink it. I think I need to focus on this more. I have voiced everything I can with my boyfriend and now it is up to him to be the parent. I just don't know what to do when she is here visiting. I actually, and I hate to say this, dread when she comes to visit. I don't know how to disengage from letting him be the parent and just understand that this is what he wants to do with out feeling like I need to be there to serve them. I struggle with this constantly and don't know what to do.

TheWife's picture

I hear ya, and I understand. I suck at disengaging as well.

I agree with the above posters as well. You need to step back and let him do the parenting, all of it. You are not there to serve them, and you should not feel like you have to. Next time time around, just try it. Start small. He should cut up her dinner.

Someone on here has a terrific saying that helps.

"Not my child, not my problem." Say that to yourself next time.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

crash3's picture

Your situation is a lot like mine. My husband has an 11 year old, only child, and her visits which are during the summer have been the most stressful thing I have ever had to deal with. They started three years ago and have since created physical symptoms that drive me to the point of not eating. I know sounds a little drastic but those symptoms are my bodies way of telling me I am stressed and I need to deal with the problems I am facing. It is hard especially with the way I grew up to watch a "father's guilt" or "love" as some would call it raise a child as witnessed by both you and I. In the beginning I took on such a big role just like you did, becoming another parent. I kept everything in for two years and am now to the point where I can't hold it in anymore. My husband and I have talked about it and now it is stressing him out because he feels like I am judging his parenting. I told him this summer I am stepping back but it is really hard to do. Your damned if you stay in situation and your damned if you step back. That scenario didn't work for me. It just upset my husband even more. He wanted me to be a part of the family. I don't have the answers but for the sake of our marriage as well as the mental well being of his daughter we are trying. It doesn't happen overnight but I'm crossing my fingers. One of the biggest things I've learned is the willingness of my husband or in your case your fiance to listen to your suggestions as well as change them. My husband has been working really hard. I am honestly not just doing this so I can eat again, I don't want his daughter to be a dependant spoiled and disrespectful to my husband and her dad. He demands so much respect from everyone else around him it bugs me that he doesn't demand it from her. You are so right though, disengaging is the hardest thing to do. It eats at you and you become bitter and angry and you would love nothing more than to try and put on a happy face so they can have a good time, but in these cases beign unselfish is not the way to go. I tried that and I'm sick everytime she comes. I'm still trying to figure out how to better myself in this situation. I'm just glad I know now that I am not the only one.

Coldandloved's picture

Is it possible for you to go somewhere else for a while during the weekend when he has her? I hate to say it but maybe leaving him alone with her for a bit is the exact solution. You helping to cater to her on his behalf, is just making it easier for her to be pampered, and him to cater to her even more. I would put it to him as "I love you both, but I feel like I'm just in the way... Im going to go ______ for the weekend until we can figure out how having both of us here can work in a way that doesn't stress me out so much" You're not their slave and by being there feeling like a hired caterer... he's not learning how much work it is to cater to her demands.

Jsmom's picture

Keep repeating to yourself - "Not my kid, Not my problem". I too suck at the disengaging. If I keep chanting that mantra in my head when my SD13 is on the computer for 5 hours, it helps. Also, I disappear a lot when they are here.

oceangirl3's picture

I tend to disappear to the bedroom when my SD is here. The problem is my boyfriend doesn't like that and wants me to engage with my SD. Every time I do engage with her I feel like I am on duty and have to "parent" her in some way because I know her mother isn't doing it and her father won't do it because he feels guilty for everything that has happened in her life. Please, I went through a lot worse than her when I was her age and my parents did not stop parenting me because of it. I just don't know how to truly disengage with out beginning to get angry and stressed. I have a natural tendency to want to help and develop children. Probably explains why I am a teacher, so I truly struggle when SD is here visiting. It is a constant battle. My boyfriend doesn't understand how I feel, but expects me to be the happy step-mom doing everything and be happy. I just am not happy when I am around her because I can't disengage. It is my house and to have her come in for the weekends and take it over absolutely drives me crazy. It is her house to but she is the child and she needs to adapt to the house as it is now. She does not have a say in everything. This drives me nuts! I don't know what to do anymore.

Run-down-mommy's picture

You're not alone in the feelings of jealousy, resentment and overwhelming stress! Most of us have been there and still are there to a degree. I had this same problem (and still do some) with my DH and my SD, only mine was a little more complicated because I have 2 children from a previous relationship and DH and I have a child together as well. But SD was the absolute ruler of the home.. I repeat WAS. When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I told him the disney dad act was over or we were over and that he had to choose to either be a parent to his child rather than a friend and to allow me to be the woman of the house or that he needed to start packing his things. DH and I have since started a journal together. When somethings bothering me or vice versa we write it in our journal so that the other person can read it and have time to process it before responding which has greatly reduced our screaming matches. It works well for us. I still don't really like it when SD comes to visit but at least now I am being respected and she doesn't rule the home anymore!

oceangirl3's picture

I wish I could just tell my boyfriend to quit the disney dad act, but his feeling of guilt about the divorce and what it has done to her overwhelm everything. Personally, all I see that the divorce has done to her is create an extremely dependent, selfish, and ungrateful child. I personally do not like these qualities and when they are present in my home I become very stressed. I don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend asked me last night if I was second guessing us or him and his daughter and having them in my life. It kind of struck a cord when he asked that. In a way yes I am second guessing myself. I feel like I have gotten in over my head at times, but that is because I just haven't figured out how to deal with my emotions regarding the whole step parent thing. It is not like being a parent nor a babysitter. When I babysit or teach the kids know my rules and then they go home, but when they are with me it is a certain way, same thing when parenting one's own children. Can't do that with the step-daughter though so it makes traveling this road a bit more complicated. I am a person who has a hard time expressing themselves and handling stressful situations. I really need help finding a balance in this situation so it does not ruin my relationship with his daughter or with my boyfriend. I'm desperate at this point.

Mich811's picture

You are not alone. These boards help me so much, hopefully you'll find solace here, as well.

I'm in a similar position. I work full time as an attorney, and when I get home I work full time as a stepmom two weeknights each week, and every other full weekend (friday to sunday). We have the kids literally half of the time. I cook, clean and run around picking up toys until I am ready to drop. Like you, I feel extremely stressed when the kids are at our house and when they leave, I'm angry and exhausted by the situation. I disagree with a lot of DH's strategy in raising the kids (bedtimes, discipline, etc) but I feel so helpless because he agrees with everything I say, but then doesnt' follow through because of his guilt.

I KNOW that I must disengage, and I know that taking all of this on isn't wise or helpful, but sometimes I wonder if I am doing these things (cook, clean and run around) to avoid interacting with the kids. I feel guilty if I check out and do something "fun" on my own, so I'm starting to wonder if taking all of this burden on is an excuse/coping mechanism. I could insist that we order food (we live in Manhattan, so that is pretty practical), I could tell dh that our cleaning lady needs to come 2x a week...but for some reason, I don't.

jojo68's picture

This is my first post and I am so glad to have found somewhere I can talk to others with the same feelings and issues as me. I have a very similiar situation and it is driving me nuts too. My bf's nine and half year old daughter lives full time with us. She is very dependent (can't get her plate, cut her food, dress herself, or even take a bath by herself),immature and extremely clingy(still rides in the grocery cart and has to be holding on to her father almost nonstop). She is allowed to do or act just about any way she wants. Anything she wants at the store when we go, she gets (which will entertain her for about an hour and then it is lost or never touched again).All of our free time is controlled by her wants. Essentially our home is controlled by this little girl. My bf and I have very little time together alone which is hard on a relationship. I feel like a maid and a paycheck more often than not. I will be totally honest, I find myself resenting her and even being jealous at times. I really love my boyfriend and I love her too but this situation is so hard to deal with sometimes. I find myself not wanting to come home or pretend to be sick so I can just be alone in our bedroom while all the caos is going on. I hate feeling this way. In a previous marriage (to my son's dad) I had a stepdaughter and I never felt that way. I really loved it when she stayed with us. I missed her when she wasn't there. That is the way it should be. Why don't I feel the same way about this child as I did for my other stepdaughter?
I feel so guilty and I hate it that I feel the way I do. My bf's daughter is truly out of control and I feel it will only get worse as time goes on. What can I do, I really have no say in how he raises her. Do I? I know that my feelings have caused me to really stress out and it is taking it's toll.

oceangirl3's picture

Your SD sounds exactly like mine. Granted, mine does not live full time with us only EOW and two weeks at a time during the summer. When she is here it is chaos and she runs the show. Daddy doesn't see it that way. I'm the one causing everything. Maybe I am, but I am standing my ground on this. I know what I see and what I see is a spoiled child who is running the show and things will only get a lot worse. This always seems to be the underlying issue with me when we argue. But, I can't say it because daddy will get all mad and say I don't know what I am talking about. I am beginning to completely resent SD and my boyfriend. I hate feeling this way. No one ever told me this would be this hard.

jojo68's picture

I know exactly how you feel. I am stressed out to the max...I don't know how much more I can handle. I really want this to work. My bf is such a great person besides this and I love him so much. I am so torn with my feelings. It is amazing to me that a nine and half year old child can be so manipulative that she can totally control a household and all the people close to her and no one sees that anything is wrong with the picture.

oceangirl3's picture

I feel you on this situation. My SD does the same exact thing. Thankfully my boyfriend and I spoke the other day and I told him exactly how I feel. I know nothing will change and I told him, don't be surprised if I am not around as much when SD is here because of this. I told him I am not her parent and will not parent her. It is his job and he needs to step up to the plate. I also told him our relationship needs to come first, because if it doesn't we won't have anything when she is gone and when kids of our own are gone. I do not believe it is healthy to put the kids as number one in your life. They are a central focus point, but they are not my number one. I value my relationship with my partner as much as kids, but I don't know if my boyfriend understands this thinking. I think he sees it as when you have kids you will understand crap. When I have kids I will still be putting my marriage as a top notch priority because if we don't have a relationship then it is not healthy for the kids and nothing good will come of it. I wonder if this is what happened with his first marriage. They put their kid first and forgot about each other. I do not want that to happen to me!!!!

jojo68's picture

I totally agree....I don't know if our relationship would ever come first but at least it needs to be equal to. He acts like he really wants me and needs me but it is her who sits next to him at dinner (home or out), it is her who sits on his lap and cuddles with him when we are watching TV or even at the movies....it is her who gets his undivided attention all the time. When we do have some time alone, my bf acts like he is very happy and has the best time with me. So confusing.

Mich811's picture

right. for me, the worst part is just feeling like i am in my home, living with this terrible feeling in my stomach, and acting and feeling in ways that are not normal for me. i'm used to being such a happy person that enjoys life...and when SD is around, especially lately, i feel so miserable and angry, and I've lost all of the sparkle that i used to have. my home is a place to avoid, rather than a place where i get recharged. i'm starting to say scary things about how much i love and appreciate my job!

oceangirl3's picture

I feel the same exact way when SD is here. I dread it and think of ways to get out of the house alone and way from here when she is around. It drives me nuts how blind people can be to things. I hope I never end up like that.

folkmom's picture

mich811...i am a lawyer too. on your two weeknights...pick those to work late and get your billables up. let their dad handle all the running around. you just have a really busy caseload right now...

then...leave work, get dinner and see a movie.

Mich811's picture

i love that idea...but dh is ALSO a lawyer, and he knows my schedule really well (we met at work!) and he knows that i am just lying if i say i don't have the flexibility to come home on those nights with the kids. and, his whole thing is that he thinks that i am removing myself from the parenting role, and he wants me to be more engaged, yada yada. sigh. i really don't know what to do. maybe i should be an investment banker and then i'll be totally unable to be home : )

folkmom's picture

you are not removing yourself from parenting...YOU ARE NOT A PARENT. If I have stuff to do I am not home for weeknight visits. Or weekend stuff. I just inform him I will not be there and he is in charge. Plain and simple it is NOT your job.

He can cook and he can clean and he can entertain. Because if you were not in the picture, that is EXACTLY what he would have to do.

Mich811's picture

He really, really doesn't get that. He feels that I AM a parent, that is what I signed up for, etc. From my end, I signed up for wife and STEP-mother, not mother, and the kids don't want or need a mother (although they do seem to want/need a maid, chef and babysitter).

I think we need to go to a counselor to help us both see each other's side. We've definitely hit a wall.

folkmom's picture

you did not "sign up" for that. that is crazy. sounds like he could not handle those kids on his own and uses you as the crutch.

he wants you there? fine. tell him you will be there...but he cooks...he cleans...he picks and plans entertainment. it was his sperm after all!

blending's picture

Wow, I can totally understand the jealousy feeling. My DH has a BD13 and she is manipulating. She does for herself and is raised completely different that the structure our house has. I think that is part of her problem. Her mom raises her like trailer trash and our house is the exact opposite morally. Seems DH family feels sorry for her alot of time. I just want to tell her to wake up, most kids nowadays have been through divorce and have to deal with the same issues. She is unkind and jealous and sometimes I hear excuses for her. It drives me crazy especially cuz she is so mean about it. I am thankful she only comes over when DH is home from work-travels alot. I have to tell myself: Not my kid, not my problem all the time. It drives me nuts and makes me worry so much about her. Her mom lets her run around at 2am and dress very revealing and she is sending the wrong signals to boys her age for sure! I am glad my BD12 and 17 realize that is not the view they want to portray to boys. urgh. Not my kid, not my problem.

hbell0428's picture

I understand where you are cominig from! I don't think they do it intentionally (at least I hope not!) My DH and I have been together almost 12 years we have BK 4,9, and 11 SD13 - well my BD11 (she thinks my honey is her father) - BD just a donor - to add to the jelousy of it all SD13 know this and I am afraid she is going to spill the beans just to be a b* - her BM told her years ago........

SD will walk into a room and dad will run up and hug and squeeze her like he hasn't seen her in years.....SHE LIVES WITH US. Everytime she comes in the room all eyes are on her... What do you need what do you want GAG

I will look forward to sitting on the coach and just cuddling, but by the time I put the others to bed - SD is in my spot on the couch - so I will just go to bed and they will stay up and chat.......I don't get it either; the whole thing is weird. I have no problem telling MY kids - BEAT it; mom and dad time. They get up and it's over; OOOOHHHHHH if I ever said that to precious little SD - SH* would hit the FAN. This is a question I have yet to understand. Women are territorial and it sucks having to compete with someone

Good LUCK

nicole84nunez's picture

Smile Well here it goes, I met my husband through some friends that knew him very well, by then I had my daughter by someone else who was never in my life even during the pregnancy of my daughter in 2005, but anyways I married my great husband October of 2006 at first he didn't tell me about his daughter until later on that year of 2006, ok years we had a rocky road marriage but manageable, on November of 2013 mu husband went to bring his daughter from El Salvador and she is 14 then and now 15, well the first weeks of her living with us was so so because we were living in a studio apartment and of course it gets messy especially with 4 people, my husband always tells me his daughter knows how to clean and all that, yeah right, when I go to work I come home late and once I entered the house its a mess, for my daughter its understandable but for them 2 no, I had to clean up a house that they could have done to make me happy but whatever. and this goes on until I got hella mad and I talked to my husband and my step daughter, well after that madness talk she did finally cleaned up the house, and now we moved to Florida, and well its a life change. There's more space here but we only clean a few rooms, during the time here I felt different like stress or jealousy or whatever you call it, because every time my stepdaughter gets close to her father ( my husband) she always ask for something or they are talking in secret and like I feel they are talking about me but I doubt it, and another thing she acts like a baby around him and she is 15yrs old to grown to be even act like that. I never have time with my husband, because his excuse is " my daughter is bored at home and we need to go together us 4 as a family and hang out", I'm like ok but I need time with you just us too, he says "I know", its rarely now for us 2 to go out, I just feel I need some alone time with my husband without his daughter being around, well at least my daughter she is happy whether she is at school or outside playing with her friends, I don't have problems with her, only the fact that my daughter and step daughter don't get along as much. and its always a problem as well, its complicated with all that. And you know she always want to make changes in the house especially with cooking, I don't like it because when she makes a mess she don't clean after herself, and not only that's she wants make certain foods that she like from her country el Salvador and you when we are on our budget cant be spending on high priced foods right , but yet she goes to her father and asks him to buy the certain food and sometimes he buys it, I'm like seriously, she is not going to clean up after herself but whatever. sometimes I want to run away from all this but I know I will be making the biggest mistake of my life, I just don't know what to do? and what to deal with my problem, and how to control my jealousy or whatever I'm feeling towards my stepdaughter. because the real fact is I don't like my stepdaughter being too close with her father ( my husband), but you know every time my husband and I argue about her he says I need help like therapy wise. I'm like wow really. so my conclusion is I need some kind of good advice on how to control mi issues I have with my stepdaughter

Painter21's picture

Personally I would thank my lucky stars that I was not yet married and had no children to this man. Then I would pack up my stuff, run as far away as possible and then find a guy without children and live happily ever after.
If I had known what I know now, I would never have put myself in this position. I felt exactly the same way as you do ten years ago when SS was 8. Except his mother had just died of cancer and if you think kids get sympathy and play off the guilt when their parents are divorced, you haven't seen anything. Even now when I tell people about what a nightmare my life is, and mention that SS's mother is dead, they can't hear anything except the last part and my problems seem insignificant.
We had SS FULL TIME and I was expected to pander to his every whim and if I said no, the whole family treated me like Hitler. They still do.
Run, run far away.

jessc's picture

Hi. I am a step child. More specifically, I am a step daughter in my current family. My mother passed away when I was 6 and my father remarried a couple years after. I understand that you might be frustrated with your current predicament, but let me just say that we can tell when you're trying to hide your emotions. And when you can't love the child, it just makes us resent you more And more. My step mother used to get jealous of me all the time because my father would want to spend time with me. I remember that about a year after their marriage, my father and I stopped at the mall to grab a snack for me to eat, and stayed an hour later than we had expected. When we returned home, my step mother was furious and said my dad valued me over her. She then proceeded to storm out of the house. I was sent to my room without dinner as my dad tried tried to figure out what to do. I was also then told that because I had made my step mother jealous, I was not allowed to do anything for the rest of the night.

This was the beginning of the bad relationship between me and my step mother. My father began to spend more and more time with her, and 8 years later, I honestly don't feel like I have a father any more. My step mother's jealousy over my dad's concern for me is still evident to this day. When my father suggests we do something because he thinks I'll enjoy it, my step mother shuts it down. When I would like to go somewhere, she tells me to do it myself. On a recent family vacation, she told me if I wanted to go see an attraction to go myself, and then told me that she could care less. I am 20 and I think my relationship with my father has been ruined because of her. I also don't think I'll ever have a good relationship with my step mother , and to be quite honest, I don't want one either. I resent the way she could care less about me, the way she never was any semblance of a mother character in my life. I learned the nuances of being a woman from my older friends. Not her.

For the sake of your step daughter, don't make her hate you. Please. It's a scar she 'll have to carry with her the rest of her life, just like I'll have to. You may be jealous of step daughters, but understand that we need affection too. You coming into the family and trying to fight for attention is crossing the line. I see my step mother express affection towards her nieces and nephews. I realize that to her, I am inferior to those she actually cares about. When you enter a family, integrate healthily into the family. You're not just marrying the guy for him, but you're also essentially agreeing to adopt a kid as well. It's your responsibility and the father's responsibility to discern if the relationship will be healthy, for the two of you and for the child.

Rags's picture

No need to feel jealous. Even if SD moves closer you can set boundaries that the Skid only visits EOWE. Period. Or, be a little flexible and say one day each week during the week and EOWE. Set the schedule and hold your SO to it.

Kids in intact initial families or truly single bio parent situations are there all of the time but second marriages and blended families do not need to adopt the same standards. Why should BM get every WE off while you and your DH facilitate BM's kid free weekends each and every weekend? The answer is you shouldn't. Engage with the kid on the EOWE schedule and enjoy your 1:1 time with your DH on the non Skid weekends. It is far easier and far more pleasant to engage with the Skid than to alienate the Skid or yourself during visitation time. When my bride and I started dating when SS-22 was 15mos old it became readily apparent to me that if I was going to have a successful marriage to his mom I had to engage with the kid. So, I did. I am his dad, he is my kid, and the three of us are a very close family. We have been empty nesters for the past nearly 4 years and my bride and I are enjoying every minute of it but the three of us remain a very close family as far as our relationships.

Make the choice and the effort to get over your jealousy and engage in a positive life and relationship with your DH and your Skid.

This does not mean that the Skid runs amok when she is in your home. Set rules, if your BF won't participate then inform him of what the rules are and that they will be enforced whether he enforces them or not. Set the expectation with the 10yo that she will follow the rules or she will bear the consequences. Then move forward in the relationship with her when she is in your home.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.