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Feeling used

Survivor227's picture

I make double what my husband does, I went to school, got my degree ( even with six kids) plus I get child support. I have supported him and his kid, father and mother, while also getting his back surgery and everything else. I made him go back to work, so he having only professional on the job working experience, he makes much less than the job he quit almost 2 years ago. He admitted that he was jealous of my income and has a big problem. I have made it a point that he use his income to pay for his “ pre marriage” debt. He has two trucks a boat, charge card and bank loan that he acquired before we ever got married. Which I paid for for 15 months. He is obsessed about getting new tires for his boat and even took out a credit card so he can go purchase a depth finder, but then says he was gonna use part of it on our upcoming trip. This morning he made a comment that as his wife, if I can work extra shifts to pay for what I want, then I should put in time to get his boat tires. I put off getting my plastic surgery so he could get his back surgery, then this year it’s supposed to be for me. I’ve already had to part with most of the income tax return because he borrowed money to fix his truck. That was supposed to go for me this year. He always renigs on his part. At this point I want to blow up the boat!!! I was the talk of the family at Christmas this year because how dare I not buy him boat tires. I feel like I’m just a bank. No respect or mutuality. 

Rags's picture

You are an educated successful professional who is apparently voluntarily serving yourself up as a willing victim to your demon Incubus of a husband and his toxic shallow and polluted multi generational gene pool of a family.

Dealing with this toxic POS and his clan is nothing compared to what you have accomplished in completing  your education and thriving professionally while raising 6 children.  So, take care of you, apply your intellect, heart and professional experience to solve this problem just as you have many others in your life and dedicate yourself to a life where  you can thrive rather than service this POS, his demon gene pool and the obvious lack of rational priorities that he suffers from.

Is this really where and with who you want to spend the rest of your life?

On a lighter note. I am still chuckling over mental visual I have of your DH's desire for new tires for his boat.  *ROFL*  While I get that the tires are most likely for the boat trailer.... the description of your DH that you provide does not make it beyond the bounds of possibility that he actually would think that a boat needs tires.


Take care of you. Please.


Good luck.



marblefawn's picture

He can't drive two trucks at one time - that should have been a red flag that he has no money sense. It sounds as if you assumed financial responsibility for his toys without much discussion. Now you want to reduce the allowance of the spoiled, petulent child you created.

OK, the first step is to start treating him like an adult. Show him the budget:

Your financial "arrangement" needs an overhaul. You need to have a serious meeting with him (and treat it as such, a real meeting with a real agenda and no interruptions) to renegotiate your financial arrangement, which I suspect just sort of happened and now it's not working for you. This is what people should do before they marry, but better late than never.

Look at your income, figure out your necessary expenses and deduct them from your income. What's left is what you need to discuss - the disposable income and what to do with it. Kids like your husband need to see there is only so much disposable money to play with. When he sees that figure, you can negotiate what to do with it, but without seeing and knowing what that figure is, everyone, you included, is just spending on the fly and hoping to stay afloat.

Another thing adults know about money... He has debt. He shouldn't be buying a damn thing until it's paid because paying interest is just MONEY OUT THE WINDOW. Interest is how poor people stay poor. He's still paying on boat tires he bought ages ago and now he wants new ones...just like a little child! That is throwing money away. Try living with a little austerity until the debt is paid and then you'll have more money every week to play with.

And here's another suggestion. If he wants tires, start getting him gift certificates toward them on gift-giving holidays instead of the other crap you'd buy him.Tell everyone in his family to get him gift certificates for tires. Everyone's going to spend $$$ on him for holidays anyway, so put those gifts to work for an extravagance he wants. This is how I've afforded some luxury items I could never justify otherwise. It will also teach your little boy about saving his pennies for the comic book he wants.

Just given what you wrote, I suspect you're not saving much for retirement. Don't be fooled into thinking retirement will pay for itself. Before you buy boats or boobs, get your accounts setup to automatically deduct retirement savings before you ever see your paycheck. Make sure you don't have money worries when you're too old to work to sort them out.

Please forgive me, but what I really want to scream is, "Stop consuming so much and finish paying for the crap you already have!!!" A lot of people look at saving money as punishment - like, they have to work and don't get to enjoy the money they're earning. Nothing could be further from the truth. Boats and boobs are nice, but saving for your future is the real gift to yourself. It's self care. And in your case, you must be the bank manager who thinks like an adult for both of you.

Aniki's picture

Why are you married to this man?? It doesn't sound like you get anything out of this relationship except being married to a man-baby who is more concerned with material things than anything else. If you two divorce, you may be liable for more of his debt.

Honestly... please tell us what makes you happy being married to him.

Recipient of marginal civility and polite disdain's picture

We all have but a brief trip around the sun.  You deserve better than this parasite and I hope you dump him and have a wonderful life.

Gingersnapped's picture

I lost everything, my house, my truck, my credit... partly because of my ex husband (10 years ago). I say partly because I allowed this man to use my excellent credit to get gastric bypass surgery, live off my income, open credit lines in my name, get a second mortgage on my house, all for his personal use. Then, he left me and OUR daughters high and dry, The marriage ending was both our faults, but I allowed myself to be duped into thinking he was controlling the finances for "the good of the marriage". Him setting me up for a financial crash was intentional and cruel. Thank God I am back on track today.

This guy you're with doesn't sound to far off the mark. Would he care if he messed up your credit, your financial stability???