Feeling resentment
I feel so sad but i can not do this anymore. I love my husband and our family but i also have mixed feelings about his kid. From day one i have done everything to make her feel loved but i do not like her. Her birth mom passed away and she lives with us full time. I have older kids and I love kids, i also have beed a stepchild myself and my stepmom did not like me so i thought i wanted to be that perfect stepmom to this kid Who really needs me but i can not stand her.
We have lived together for 2 years now and from The beginning it was easier, she were so young and I had more of a connection with her before we moved in together but The older she gets The harder it gets. She has many issues and I was not prepared to have to deal with a child her age being so immature. She is 4 years and is still not talking. She screams, hit me and my kids and cry alot. She throws away The food if she doesent like it, she makes a mess everywhere and I am cleaning up after her all The time. Almost every day is a fight with her. She must get her way or she throws a tantrum. Grocery shopping is a fight, she runs away and wants us to chase her, she screams if she doesent get candy, she has been eating candy in The store and I feel ashamed.
Going to The park is a fight. Dinner time is a fight. Bath time means water everywhere and she screams when i pick her up. She must have attention all The time or she throws a tantrum. She wants us to play with her and she almost never plays alone. When she is bored she is rubbing against things and she can do that for hours. I feel so uncomfortable when she masturbates beside me or other familymembers but she screams when we tell her to stop. My kids is tired of being hit and they hide in their rooms most of the time to get some peace. I have also started to do that, i dont want to be at home. I feel resentment and her constant need for attention has make me feel like I dont want to see her. When she is in a good mood and want to cuddle i feel resentment.
Is there a way out of this? Should i just leave or can i get around my feelings? It is like an anger inside of me and I cant live like this but i hope things will get better. I hope that when she gets older we will have a better connection or if i just can love her everything will be ok but i really dont. Has anyone felt like this and worked things out?
Start by getting her
Start by getting her evaluated to see why she isn't talking yet and to get her help with that (could she be deaf?) and see what else shakes out. What does her doctor say?
4 years old an not talking.
4 years old an not talking. This child needs an evaluation yesterday. You could start with either your pediatrician or Child Find (or both):
The pediatrician should be referring a non speaking four year old for evaluation. Get an appointment and ask for a referral.
Your area should have a Child Find office. You can find it through your local school district. The evaluations there are free. At the very least they will schedule a non talking four year old for speech / language services. At four there might be a pre school for the child to attend.
This child needs help. Things will not get better for the child, for you, for the other children until this child gets the help and services that are desperately needed.
As others have said...this
As others have said...this child needs help.
It's up to you to decide if you give a shit enough to do that for her. You are her mum, you realise that dont you? She can't get her own mum back, she has you.
As for the 'masturbating' my daughter did that and I thought it was odd and embarrassing...apparently its normal lol...so she will grow that out I can tell you. You just ignore it...as awkward as that is.
If you do want to help her, you need to realise when her mum died she stopped. It's where a trauma takes place and the child's development pauses to deal with the changes. She is still under 2 years old, stuck there because even though she was young, she would've noticed differences.
Definitely talk to a professional, and follow their guidance. In my experience, you need to give her things to be responsible for and help her learn to care for them so an activity she likes, get her to talk about how she feels about that activity (once it's understood the lack of talking by dr), or a small easy to care for pet like a hamster or fish...
But first you have to decide if you want to be there yourself...it will get better once you get her help but parenting her will never end.
Her hearing is fine. The
Her hearing is fine. The doctors thinks she is to young to be evaluated but she is getting help with her speech. They dont know if she behaves like this because of her inability to communicate or if she has other problems. I thought that they would help us more but not at The moment. My guess is that there is some kind of mental disability and autism but my DH dont want to talk about it with me.
I would raise her diffrently if she was mine but right now it feels like I am living here and should give lots of love but have no say in how to set boundaries for her. No violence, she must listen to us and help her play instead of masturbating all Day. But my DH thinks she is adorable and will catch up, he is making excuses like she is sick, tired, hungry etc and then its ok to behave like a mad kid.
I'm sorry yoiu are in this
I'm sorry yoiu are in this situation where you know things are not right but have no power to change that...
I'm not sure why the doctors think she's too young to be evaluated - Early Intervention services are for the under 3s ... This child is 4. The point of evaluation isn't to put a label on her but rather to get her the appropriate help that she manifestly needs.
Your DH needs to understand that the earlier a child gets help with whatever problem she may have, the better the chances are of dealing with it adequately. Stalling helps nobody. I have a child with special needs who started therapy (speech, occupational, etc.) at six months. Help is out there but your DH needs to extract his head from his posterior and accept the fact that not getting help can actually damage his daughter. At age 4, her behaviour is not acceptable and he should stop making excuses.
I hate to think how her starting school will go if her parents won't lift a finger for her.
I'm with Winterglow. I've
I'm with Winterglow. I've done RBT work & typically a child starts at 2-3. I'm thinking your DH is being less then honest - with himself, with the doctor, or with you. I would make evaluation & treatment for SD - a condition of my assistance as well as my staying. Maybe tell him you can't sit by and watch a child screaming for help & no one doing anything to help her?
Also, i have troubles with
Also, i have troubles with finding my place. I need to be there for my children and this girl beeds a lot of help. I cant be her mother. I would love to be there for her but i have my own children. It is hard for me to like her when she is mean to my kids and I know its not her fault because she doesent understand. She does not undestand social skills at all. If someone is crying she gets upset and hit. If she doesent get what she wants and is feeling angry she can hit my kids and then she wants me to comfort her because she still is angry. It is Hard...
She sounds like she's way
She sounds like she's way behind on empathy which isn't right by age 4. My daughter when she was 2 was as self absorbed as any toddler but it still distressed her when she saw anyone crying. She would try and pat their back, give them her toys or kisses to help them feel better. Most toddlers have an inate desire to help (even if sometimes we don't find their "help" actually helpful lol). Your first hurdle is to yank your DH's head out of the sand if he sees nothing wrong with his angel. If nothing is wrong, why would he need to get her help?
Well if you have no say or
Well if you have no say or control on the matter than you need to step back I suppose. Especially if you've aired this with DH and he has sidelined your feelings. What about if you discussed adopting her and therefore you'd be her mother and so have full parental rights and say over her growth? Explain to DH your ideas on SDs future?
Agree with everyone else,
Agree with everyone else, there is something seriously not normal going on. You say BM has passed. Were there any drugs or mental illness involved? Neglect or abuse? It may be something like autism as well. Your DH putting his head in the sand and not letting you have a say will never work. If he won't recognize the behavior as a problem and work with you to fix it, i don't see you being happy in the long run.
BM and members on her side of
BM and members on her side of the family had/has drug problems and mental issues.
Many things with SD are confusing to me, its not like with other children i met and it is because of me (and many long arguments with DH) that she even went to The doctor. She has poor balance and falls a lot, she cant walk in stairs or jump. She falls down from chairs, get hurt because she is running straight in to doors or furniture all The time. She is hyperactive and moves her body all The time. She still eats rocks, paper, dirt and many other strange things. Dont know colours, animals, diffrence between genders, dont know peoples names. Dont know how to play with others and just want to be around adults. Has temper tantrums for an hour, just shaking and screaming, sometimes while hitting herself OR biting her hands. Has hurt other kids pretty bad, almost breaking fingers and hitting smaller kids really hard when getting frustrated. Touches her poop, diapers and doesent seem to think its gross. Only eats certain foods, spit it out on The floor if its not The right texture.
And her dad tells me she is just a little stubborn and kids her age is hard to deal with... Just because they wont get her evaluated now he thinks they are saying she is fine.
I just want a normal life... Not this mess.
Even my kids wonder why she
Even my kids wonder why she is like that and why she is so mean to them and when it will stop. We must watch them all The time. She also has no fear of water, heights or cars so its like having a much smaller child. And her dad wants to start working nights and evenings but i really dont want all that time alone with her, he has a bond with her and I dont. This is more difficult than i ever thought and I feel crazy when he thinks nothing is wrong. I feel like an evil stepmother.
It seems to me that this
It seems to me that this child has serious problems. Rather than treating you as a partner, and one who is very affected by his child's issues, your husband is tying your hands and not allowing you to help. Responsibility without authority never works. Because of how your husband is acting, this situation will not improve. You aren't the only one affected - your children are suffering negative consequences. If your husband isn't taking significant steps to "fix" his daughter, it is my opinion that you owe it to your children to remove them from this situation.
Speech therapy
I agree with everyone else that this girl needs some professional intervention.
I just wanted to share my granddaughters story. She was as chaotic as your SD, not speaking, feral behavior, tantrums. Nothing seemed to get through to her. She looked like and acted like a wild child, crying all the time when she wasn't shrieking. Speech therapy was a miracle. Over time, she normalized. Her speech very slowly improved and was still a little slow in elementary school (speech apraxia). I believe her difficulties resulted in making her an exceptionally kind and empathetic person. She graduated from high school and is now married and works in another city.
Thanks everybody, this is the
Thanks everybody, this is the first time i have talked about it this hobest and ypur support has really helped me today. Maybe there is a light, it could work out. It feels like I either get involved right now and fix this or walk away.
One fear is that i maybe want to have another baby someday in The future but i am scared that this might be something genetical from her father. Or that she will be mean to the baby. And if i dont know if this will pass then i dont want to have a child with him because i cant strand this for the rest of my life.
I am also scared that i will go all in trying to help but it wont work and I end up depressed and tired and my own kids will suffer. And then i will have to leave. I dont know how to take a chance, right now i almost cant stand being at home. Maybe i just should leave it now and spare my energy. Life is hard enough as it is. DH is wonderful but is it worth it? Can i love her or will i be more resentful?
Nice to hear that story about your granddaughter, good for her. And I will read mord about sensory processing issues.
You have to leave. Your
You have to leave. Your children do not deserve this. Where is your DH in all of this? I see no mention of him beyond being together for 2yrs.
Some days it feels like it's
Some days it feels like it's my only option. My kids and I some days feels like its hard to be at home, and some days it's going alright. We also have some drama free, fun days but not enough to make up for all the tough days. When we get exhausted by our home situation it feels meaningless trying to build a family. Avoiding wont work for the next ten years for anyone.
My DH is the one taking care of her most of the time. Now with covid it means a lot of time alone with her and he is so tired. He has given up, he wont take any fights with her och set boundaries because of her tantrums. He just let her do whatever and is always by her side playing with her and giving attention every waking minute. She does not like the word no and he dont want to upset her so she behaves like he is her butler. And that makes a drama free day but for me that is unthinkable. And when i talk with him about this he just feels sorry for her and think that i am being to hard and she will grow up and learn some day but in none of us will teach her how will she learn?
I am done being a housekeeping babysitter.
I would look into early
I would look into early intervention services for her. She sounds like she qualifies. That would be a good place to start.
I would sit down and have a
I would sit down and have a serious talk with your husband. I would say that his lack of awareness is causing you and your children so much distress that you are considering leaving unless he can be a little more open minded and have her evaluated. If he wants to stick his head in the sand and pretend everything is fine then this will never end and you can't live like that and it's absolutely not fair to the other kids on the house. This behavior is not normal, something IS wrong and I would explain to him that this is your bottom line. He is handicapping his child and allowing his wife and her kids to be abused by his child. Dad needs to step up and get over himself.
I would cut your losses and
I would cut your losses and get your kids to safety. This won't change, he's already shown who he is, believe him. If in two years he's refused to accept her issues and get her help, he never will. Either way he'll put the burden on you and honestly? He needs to parent his kid alone and not put ANY woman into this circumstance of his making. Do NOT have a child with him, it will only tie you more. Your kids deserve safety and sanity and you will completely lose yourself trying to help this kid and it will affect your mental health and you will be a lesser parent to them.
If it's this bad at 4, how do you think it will be with a delayed 15yr old that is now much stronger and really able to hurt you or your kids.
Walk away. I've seen a few cases this week that has caused me to just want to scream run- and I"m one of the very few here that almost never advocate divorce. I do in cases of abuse- and this will turn into that because of her behavior towards you and your kids. Time to run. I wouldn't even waste my time talking to him anymore.