Feeling conflicted.
I can not stand him most of the time. Its like every single thing he does annoys the crap out of me. His presence alone annoys me. Dreading the week he comes back to our house for a week knowing im going to be emotionally mentally and physically drained. Hes 8 now. Ive been in his life since he was 1. I have a 12 yr old daughter of my own, that i have raised with her bio father being minimally involved. My stepsons mom is invloved and we do the 50/50 week on week off. She lives with her mom. (Stepsons grandma) always has. Doesnt work or go to school. Just lives off welfare and government assistance and her mom. She is complete scum to me. A total P.O.S but not a big enough one to get full custody of my step son. For about a year back in 2019 she got in a fight with her mom and ended up takimg off from her place. Ended up squatting in the back of some abandoned head shop with her frequently on again off again bf whom she has 2 more kids with. So my step son lived with us full time. It was so much better and easier that way. We had consistency and routine and structure for/with him. Until his mom went back to Her moms house and demanded the regular 50/50 week on week off be reinstated. I as the step parent feel completely powerless in the sotuation of raising him. Theres no structure or consistency or cooperation from his mom or other gma. My step son is ADHD hard core and spectrum autistic. But they refuse to acknowledge this and withoit cooperarion or consent theres not much we can do on our end about it either. They baby and coddle and favor him like crazy which strains my relatio ship with him because i refuse to do those things. I do not believe in babying. I believe in encouragement and logic. I dont baby talk him or give in to his manipulation and tantrums and he cant stand it. Hes an incredibly selfish child at times and cries or throws fits when hes not getting his way or being babied like hes used to. Hes 8 but his behavior and mentality scream 3. I feel totally powerless in the influence of his upbringing. I feel like he will 100% become his lazy entitled mooching manipulative piece of crap mother. And i will never put up with it. He will not be welcome in my home in his future if thats what he becomes. Its incredibly hard cause i DO love him. Because i love his father. I think of my step son and include him always and never want or try to do anything to make him feel unwanted or unloved. Im the reason we have our 50/60 and he sees his dad as much as he does. Before me it was practically non existent. Oh well i should mention. His mom and dad were never together. My husband had been friends since childhood with my stepsons mothers brother. She made herself easy and available. My husband made it clear he did not have i terest in her and did not ever want to or plan to be in a relationship with her. She acted like it was all good. She pulled the whole i cant get pregnant and like a moron my husband fell for it and did not take proper precaustion to avoid a pregnancy. So of course she got pregnant. She decides to keep it. Even said the words i cant believe i thought having your baby might make you be with me. So essentially this child was not actually wanted by either party. She got herself pregnant as a means to an end. When she didnt get what she wanted out of the pregnancy she made the child her mothers reaponsibility. Kinda the same for my husband. He did t want a baby at 23 and never wanted a baby woth her. So my step son spent the 1st few years of his life between gma and gma with neither of his oare ts taking any real responsibility. Until ME. I had my daughter at 20 and that girls is and will always be my whole life. I raised her and provided for her on my own always. Regardless of how a child gets to this world if you choose to have them ypu TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM. So i sat down with my stepsons mother and i made my case and i got my 50/50. But of course everything i try to teach this boy is completely undermined. Hes babied at the other house and hes learned how to manipulate that situation as so. I get so incredibly frustrated. He treats me like im just someone he has to put up with in order to spend time with his dad. I do everything for this boy. Before me there was no week long stays with his dad. They didnt even really give him birthday parties. Just a cake at the park. No invites or friends or decorations. I have thrown him his last 4 parties. Given him his own room make sure it decorated the ways he likes etc etc. I know its not a child resposibility or conern to really understand all this and acknowledge that its ME that does these things for him but they way he treats me makes me not want to do it anymore. Im trying so hard and i understand that hes a child but hes only getting older and i foresee it only getting worse. Im pregnant now with my husband and im worried. Idk. I love the kid and all but most of the time i can not friggin stand him. I feel anger toward my husband for being so stupid 9 yrs ago and i hatered towards my stepsons mom for being the PO.S she is. He misses 2 to 3 days a week of school on her weeks. Or is hours late to school. Sometimes more. Shes completely irresponsible and lazy and i feel like shes ruining him and destroying his future. Every week he comes back rude entitled mannerless hyperactive and down right annoying. I wish we could either keep him full time or just walk away from it completely. Which i know is not right. But ive had so much trouble lately managing my feelings of dislike and frustration towards him.
Probably if you disengaged
Probably if you disengaged and stopped doing everything for your SS, your husband would stop taking him every other week. It sounds like you're the one who initiated the 50/50 custody and your husband had no interest in that previously. You have no obligation to do everything for this child, and if your husband really wants 50/50 custody he should step up and do the lion's share of the parenting. Based on the past history you've described, I don't see that happening. If your husband really doesn't want 50/50 custody, then I'd say your mistake was pushing for that. But just because you made that mistake doesn't mean you're locked into doing everything for a stepchild that doesn't even treat you well for the next 10+ years. Is the 50/50 custody court ordered or something you and the parents/grandparents worked out on their own?
Yes the 50/50 is on paper and
Yes the 50/50 is on paper and court ordered. Always had been since he was born i guess. Just neither of them really enforced it. And my SS mostly went from gma to gma. I am the one who pushed for the 50/50 because i wanted a relationship with the kid and to be involved. Idk it felt like the right thing to do at the time. My now husbands and mines relationship was progressing and we were getting married. I told him in the beginings of our relationship that i could not be with an ilinvolved father. I couldnt respect a person who didnt step up and take responsibiloty, and cant see a successful relatio ship with someone i cant respect. He agreed and took steps and made efforts to step up. He is far more active and involved these days for sure. I would say though that I am the more proactive parent to our kids. And the best way i could put it when he and i would frequently discuss raising them and what to do is that i felt i held a different torch then him when it comes to parenting. I did it on my own. I didnt live with parents or have that kind of support for my child. I guess i wanted to do what i could to play a roll in his life seeing as how i was going to become his stepmom. I wanted to give him any kind of structure and hope for his future as an independent functioning adult in the world. I just didnt take into real consideration that i wouldnt have the kind of say with him that i do my own daughter. And thats been a tpugh reality for me to chew on. Every week he goes back to gmas and moms and any progress we may have made gets completely canceled out cause they would ratber be the house he wants to be at instead of providing the structure he needs. Especially being ADHD AND spectrum autistic. And i feel like nothing but stepmonster cause i refuse to baby him or compromise my parenting beliefs :/. His dad struggles with these feelings to and we feel powerless and like the bad guys all the time. Im reading and working to develop tools to manage my frustrations with his ADHD and autistic behavior. To stay consistant and do my best to maintain the structure in my home. I try to keep things as fair as possible with he and my daughter. I just feel so lost and defeated and overwhelmed sometimes. I genuinly worry about his future. As he gets older why will he even want to be at our house when living with his mom and gma and having no responsibility is so much easier. I worry about the possible strain it cpuld put on my relationship with my husband. I mean as my SS gets older he will make his own choices. But its our resposibility and duty as parents to guide our children the best we can. Not give up on them. And watching him choose a life just like his moms is going to be incredibly difficult for me. I suppose all i can do is stay at it and hope for the best and hope he realizes all this as he gets older. Its very hard, if not impossible for me to just sit back and let him fail, idk why i feel the sense of obligation to step up and be the parent i believe he needs. Hes not a bad kid, he just doesnt know better. Cause when i call him out or diciplin him or require manners be used and encourage common sense, critical thinking and problem solving skills instead of babying him or just doing everything for him i think he thinks im mean or i dont like him lol. Ive addressed this and have reassured more than once that i love him i just dont parent that way. But there seems to be no growing bond between us. :/ anyway i can ramble on this forever. But in a nutshell i feel defeated and that all my effort will end up for not cause its going to be easier to choose his mothers way rather than being independent and responsible.
White space please!
It helps your readers get through your posts.
Now, you can and should set and enforce the standards of behavior and performance regarding any kids in your home regardless of kid biology.
You and your SO are equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. So, quit being the martyr and savior and hold this kid to strict standards of behavior and peformance when he is in your home. Quit begging for status from his BM. She is a non influence or issue in your home and on your side of the blended family equations. Quit including her in your life and in your side of the equation.
As for your DH, if he will not parent, discipline, and even celebrate the kid, he can STFU and have your back while you do it. If he does not like how you parent and discipline, he can step up and get it done before you have to or bite his tongue and have your back.