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father/SD affection

priceydrae's picture

I had the opportunity to meet my SO's kids this past week for the first time. SD is 12 very beautiful, friendly and affectionate. I was very please to meet her and be around her and we get along ok so far. My issue lays with their SO's and SD's level of affection as my parents divorced and I just put away my XH for 17 yrs for molesting our daughter so now I'm completely unsure of what's normal and not normal. below are the scenario's:

1. Even at 12 yrs old on the few times that he's been to visit in the home town where his kids live, she has wanted to sleep with him and he's allowed it. I have a huge issue with this I think it's inappropriate and she's well beyond the age that this should be happening. I've very clearly voiced my concern of this and how I feel of it and it's caused a huge argument multiple times because he thinks I'm accusing him of doing something disgusting when that's not the case I simply think she's too old for this to be happening still.

2. we had just gone to church and while sitting in the chairs watching the sermon he had his arm around her and she was curled up in his side with her head on his shoulder. This was not a big deal but I felt it was too much in that setting and it made me very uncomfortable as he had his arm around the back of my chair too and kept indicating he wanted me in the same position, I ignored him and kept on the far side of my seat being very careful to keep a small smile on my face and a very neutral expression even though I was horribly uncomfortable with them next to me. I'm so confused as to how I'm feeling about this that I've not said anything about it yet even tough I know it's going to have to come up.

I'm uncomfortable seeing them be affectionate with each other at home, but I believe it's due to my experience with my x and not knowing what's right or wrong any more. I feel he's also different around them which isn't that much of a surprise due to having just met SS and SD, but it gets to me some. I just needed to put it out there as it's driving me crazy and I'm trying to not be a bitch because she really is such a sweet girl.

ESMOD's picture

I agree with the first poster.

Number one.. sleeping arrangements at 12 it's just too old. I think this probably falls into the category that it just went on over time and it just really hasn't occurred to him that it's not appropriate.

The second example is more innocuous. Many families are more touchy feely and hug or touch more freely. MY family wasn't like that but I see others that are.

Steptococci's picture

This is such great insight.

I've had trouble putting my "ew" feelings aside when my husband has treated SD9 and me the same in his expressions of day to day physical affection... ie, cuddle both of us at once, calls us the same terms of endearment, refer to us as his "girls" - once when we were all getting ready for dinner out at a fancy restaurant when DH was my fiance (SD was then 6) he took a look at the two of us dressed up as we were leaving and said, "ooh my sexy girls" and I felt disgusted.

I couldn't really explain why it's always weirded me out, but this is exactly it. It feels gross and intrusive to be treated the same way as your lover's daughter. I feel like it subtly conveys that we're equals.

This post is a bit old now but I just wanted to say thanks for this, very helpful.

SM12's picture

Always listen to your gut. I don't feel it is appropriate for a 12 yr old girl to sleep in the same bed as their father. It doesn't mean there is anything sexual going on, it just isn't healthy.

However, I don't see a problem with a 12 yr old girl snuggling up to her father. I am close to 50 and just lost my father 6 months ago. I would sit next to my dad and put my head on his shoulder up until the day he passed. There was nothing inappropriate about that.

ChiefGrownup's picture

I think the fact they live in two separate towns intensifies this little girl's need to touch and cling to her dad. She will likely carry on like this longer than her peers whose dads live closer or at home.

Dad needs to do the tough work of guiding her in her adolescence more pro-actively than if he she lived in his home full time. Perhaps he can get her a special bed item to help separate her into her own bed next time they visit. I remember at 11 I was given a brightly colored bed-sitter type thing you put in your bed to prop you up so you can comfortably read in bed. I loved that thing! There are other items, too, stuffed things like theme pillows or funny creatures etc that she will find fun and comforting. He can give her this item and tell her she needs her own bed to have room for her buddy. She may whine and be resistant but he can then be firm and tell her it's time, she's growing up and needs her own bed. Then the cuddly thing he gave her will be there to comfort her. I think he should probably take this thing with him when he goes so she only has it when he brings it (EVERY time) so it is associated with him, not absorbed into the black hole of BM's house.

The church thing I would also hang back in that situation, like you did. The thing about these step situations is the dads live in a great deal of fear and their normal instincts toward separation and authority get all balled up. So what you are experiencing right now is likely run of the mill daddy/mini-wife COD stuff rather than true criminal behavior. Of course, keep your eyes open!

BTW, the COD mini-wife behavior can be bad enough, so tread carefully altogether!

Ninji's picture

When I first started dating my EX, his kids lived in AZ and we lived in FL. He would fly over and spend in a week in a hotel with his 12yr and share a bed with her.

I told him that she's too old for that. Talked about morning wood. Reminded him that he's used to sleeping next to me. I know how he cuddles and rubs on me. Asked him if he would remember while half asleep that the women's body next to him was his 12yr old daughter.

He never shared a bed with her again.

Thumper's picture

SM12...

actually that is odd and crossing the line for a 12 year old pre-women daughter to be in bed with her dad. What is wrong with you. Its just as wrong for a MOM too if it were MOms and teens boys.

Rags's picture

If it doesn't pass your smell test... it most likely isn't Kosher. Or .... if it looks like a dog, smells like a dog and barks like a dog... it is a dog.

12yos are in today's world of human biology very likely post pubescent. Some recent reading I have done indicates that puberty in girls now days occurs between 10 and 12 in todays world.

20yrs ago a 12yo was still a little girl. Now days..... they are young women and even more importantly they are young women swimming in the tides of sexual hormones and burgeoning sexuality.

A 12yo should not be sleeping with a parent.

IMHO of course.

Acratopotes's picture

It's disgusting ... not in a molesting way, but still... 12 year old should be able to sleep on their own IMO.
3way cuddle oh hell NO....

Now you've met SD for the first time, Hon disengage from this point on forward, do not do anything for SD, do not even start doing things with or for her, she has 2 parents. This will make your future much much better...
Simply sit your BF down and tell him, no more co-sleeping you are not sharing a bed with another woman, if he does not like it, simply end the relationship and walk away, do not waste time on this

Lemonygirl's picture

My DH had this problem when we were first married. His kids were in another state and visits were really spread out, but... the cuddling and napping in our bed with 14 yr old son and 12 yr old d's were too much for me. His d's would sit and constantly sit and massage his scalp while he oooed and aahhed. I put a stop to it. It made me sick. It took me several attempts before I got my point across. He totally didn't get it!

momof4andsk's picture

My DH is wayyy too touchy/feely with his daughter. She slept in the bed with him until she was 10 and one of my daughters said something about it to SD's friends. She became embarrassed and didn't sleep with her dad after that. They sit together on the couch and cuddle while he strokes her legs, even rubbing the inside of her thigh. Once, she sat on the back of the car and he moved in between her legs and rubbed them on the outside. She has a habit of rubbing his ears and he did make her quit that, but then one day she told him that a little boy "Seth" at school lets her rub his earlobes, since "dad won't let me rub his anymore," trying to make her dad jealous. It's all over the top and I don't feel it's appropriate and also, it seems to be encouraging her to be overly affectionate with boys her own age.

motherof_2plus1's picture

Reading this actually made me feel ill. Those interactions between your DH and SD are completely inappropriate. Is that behavior on going or have you put a stop to it?

priceydrae's picture

Thank you all for your comments. So since this was put in SO has had his kids over 2 other times. Things have gone much better with the exception of just an occasional reflexive "it's too much" type attitude here or there. He did back off some but not completely and just want to say his daughter is as beautiful and graceful as ever our relationship continues to develop.
Ok now the new part of this. SD and SS's mom, whom he is currently going thru a divorce with, been separated/estranged for about 7 yrs not living in same house hold. Now mind you he and I have been together 4 years so prior to that he was dating off and on. So now I've been blowing my top because of certain things that happen when he goes to visit his kids so let me list them here:
1. stays in x's home sleeping in a separate room :O ; this has stopped and he now stays with a friend, air BNB or hotel
2. Does family events with them instead of doing his own with the kids; now this wouldn't be a horribly big deal except that his x is still in love with him and hasn't moved on in the 7 years that they have been apart. This too has me very upset not only for her benefit but my own as well.
3. Still has a joint bank account with her, because he likes to "see" how she's spending money; he says this can't change until the divorce is final
4. Does not make her share in most of the extra expenses, summer band camp 500$, school supplies and clothes easily 300 plus, braces, and any other extras. Drives me crazy because he will pay this with no recourse of how it affects our household!!
5. Random trips to visit; recently the kids left after spending a great (expensive) week with us. The plan had been then to not visit for about 2 more months, SO made the somewhat spontaneous decision to drive 10 hrs 1 way to spend SD's birthday with her, have a "family meal" all sitting in a nice cozy booth together his x nearly right across from him. I sware I thought I had flames prolly coming out of my ears; 1. we didn't really have the current funds because DS needs a wisdom teeth extraction and drivers ED in a month, I need dental surgery and I'm having surgery on my foot. I really want to respect his desire to spend as much time as possible with his kids but there has to be some give!! UGH!!!