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Family happines is gone

Mel09's picture

Mel09's picture

Hi, long story short i remarried 2014 and hv had a wonderful bonding with my 2nd husband 2 step daughters and my own 2 biological sons. Gals are 19 and 17 now. Boys are 15 and 14.  Ppl used to cast evil eyes dat even a normal family wont hv this kinda bonding. All that collapsed last yr 2019 nov. My elder boy was going thru major teenage rebel issues. He drank n vapped at age 14! All despite me hving close scrutiny on his whereabts as i am a stayhm mum. So he returned hm under alcohol intoxication one night and attemptEd to video my 2nd step gal while she was showering. Tkfully he didnt capture anything as she screamed the min she saw a phone thru d window. She broke down called her dad. She was sure it was my eldest son cos only he was a iphone user. After much slow talk he admiitted to it. Eversince then he is a outcast. I confiscated his phone and he has been grounded since last yr nov. My elder step gal literally co fronted him n hit him so hard on his chest. I didnt stop her as i understood her rage. My mum unfortunately was living with me at that point too. She tried to stop her from hitting my son and my step gal screamed her lungs off at my mum too. My husband me n d rest were all dumbfounded. After whicj she nvr did apologise to my mum for screaming at her. I hate her for that.i understand wat my son did was wrong and brought him counselling and even tried talk to my 2nd step daughter who was distraught over d incident. I read in her diary she feels like committing suicide and hates this family. Now its mar my elder son has changed for d better and even apologised to my 2nd step gal twice. She said give her time. Its my elder step daughter that shows face and now doesnt even talk much with me. They go out without my elder boy. It hurts. When their friends cm over all go inside her room leaving only my son in his room. His birthday was last week. My hubby and his gal went on a trip. Elder gal went to live with her own mum. So i alone brought my 2 sons out. I truly fell sooo depressed. 

tog redux's picture

Hi, Welcome - sorry for all your troubles.

If the neighbor boy tried to film her through the window the police would have been called. So I can kind of see how grounding and losing his phone wasn't enough and she feels as if he was protected. She should not have yelled at your mom, of course - but did your boy even apologize to her?  Or is she just being expected to carry on as if all is well when she feels as if he essentially sexually assaulted her and got away with it?

Honestly, does she have a mom to go live with? If not, your SO should probably move out with her until they are grown.  This is pretty big thing to forgive, and expecting her to do so isn't fair (especially if he hasn't made any sort of sincere apology to her). How can she ever trust that he's not spying on her, ever again? Or planning to do worse? Same for the older girl.

Please take her suicide talk seriously and get her some help.

ETA: I worded this poorly - I don't think an apology is enough, but it wasn't clear if he had even done that. 

Mel09's picture

No am expecting her to forgive my son at all. It is a grave matter and i did hit him for hurting this family which only cared for him since young. Her mum isnt truly d maternal sort and lives with her 3rd hubby. Step gals sees her alternate weekends only which just 4 days in a mth. He has already went up to her n begged for forgivenes. I told him all this will take time. U wounded us all mainly d gal who treated u so well as her younger brother. Just that 5mths has passed and d gap is only worsening. All of us are just parting away. Her father is extremely close with her pretty much  y he took her on a charity trip to orphanges. She refuses to see a counsellor and bottles up all.

tog redux's picture

Just to be clear, I don't think an apology is enough, by any means -  you all need to understand that what he did was very serious.  I'm not one to think a 14-year-old can never be redeemed after an act like this, but it does put him at risk of victimizing others in the future.

At this point, asking her to celebrate her offender's birthday is not reasonable and that needs to be recognized.

Mel09's picture

Hi, i hv already warned him of grave consequence if he ever repeats his offence in future. He will def hv to face legal repercussions. I am even thinkingvof sending boys back to their father n only see them on weekends. But it was the stepgals who didnt want me to. As it will disrupt their studies as sch is nearer my home n way further from their dads. My 2nd step gal is slowly healing from this trauma n i hope one day she forgives him. 

Aunt Agatha's picture

Your son violated the safety of a young girl in her home in a private moment where family members should be safe.  He is a sex offender who abused a person in the household. Then your mom ganged Up on the poor girl.

Your husband is wrong for allowing your pervert son  around his daughters after that.  Frankly, If I was the girl I would be repulsed every time I saw your son or mother.  I dont understand why dad didn't kick your son out to protect his daughter and call the cops on your son and get a restraining order on him.

You on the other hand 'grounded him' and took his phone.  Big whoop. He should be in counseling, and he should leave this young woman alone.  He should not be living with her and certainly should not be trying to hang with her friends.

The real problem here is YOU and this girls father who havent dealt strongly with this kid, removed him from the home for the safety of the two girls and haven't gotten him into counseling to hopefully stop him from doing this again to any other young woman.  This girls father is a terrible father who doesn't protect her, allows a step mom who doesn't immediately remove her pervert son from the home,  but instead blames the victim when said victim is ganged up on by the pervert's grandmother.

Leave the house and your son's targeted victim alone, get counseling for your budding sex offender son and counseling for yourself so you stop blaming your sons victim.  
 

i hope this poor girl gets help too, and her father learns to stand up for her.  

Other kids don't want to be around your son because he is an untrustworthy pervert who has violated another persons safety and trust in that persons home.  Normal kids understand that.  Messed up kids like your son need to be removed from their victims lives and into intensive counseling.  
 

In case I'm not clear: your son, your mom and you are all wrong.  Leave this poor girl alone.  Move out for her sake, and get your son help.  Be very glad the cops weren't called on your sex offending son and Ensure your family leaves this girl alone.

Mel09's picture

No u r getting it all wrong. My mum nvr spoke harsly nor gang up. (Incident happended to d 2nd step gal)my mum j just tried to stop d eldest step gal from hitting him so hard as al of us were numb and let her rage at him.

 

Honestly u r so judgemental and harsh on ur points. Save ur breathe tks. U r amplyfying d entire incident. We r a family shouldnt we learn to forgive and heal instead of treating as a prisoner. No pics or video was taken at all. He was under influence of alcohol and teen pressures. So all outcast him and wow dats wat u call a family? 

tog redux's picture

OP - he victimized someone - it really doesn't matter whether he was under the influence of drugs or peer pressure.  If he had done that to the neighbor, he'd have juvenile charges against him.  As I said above, I don't think this means he needs to be thrown in the garbage and never seen again, but it is very serious.  The victim (your SD) get to decide when to forgive him, it's not on your timeline.  She may never forgive him.  The fact that you guys expect her to, so that you can get on with having a happy family, is probably what is so upsetting to her.

I'd suggest family therapy, personally - but not with him and her together.

Mel09's picture

Noted will attempt that if shes comfortable enough to go for therapy 

Aunt Agatha's picture

If I misunderstood your moms role, my apologies. But she had no business in all this.

You are way underplaying this if you think this young lady should ever forgive your son.  What would be the likely outcome had he videoed his sister besides him using it for his own self pleasure? Very likely it would have been share with a few kids at school, further hurting this young lady, and with him potentially in the legal system for child porn.  The judicial system doesn't play with that.

 

Leave this girl alone.  You are no longer family to her but a source of pain caused entirely by your son.  Time isn't going to change that.  

Mel09's picture

If he had truly videos n had the contents i myself would hv called the police and taught him a lesson. He pleaded saying i dont inderstand y i did that. I am so sorry. As his mum i hv to try to change him n phone is his only contact with his zillion pals. He cms home on time. Listens to me.improved vastly in his stidies and attitude in sch according to his teacher. How can u say we r not family. Family should stand by in testing times not stomp on d person without mercy. 

Rags's picture

Gramma should not have attempted to intervene and your DH and his daughter should have called the police on your son.

I would be hard pressed to remain in a marriage where my spouse had pervy little shits as children and for sure would not allow those pervy little shits to be in my home or have any contact with my own children who the pervy little shits were victimizing.

Good luck.  

You will need it.