Fairness
I’m really at my wits end with the different treatment of our children and I don’t know how to handle it anymore. My so and I have been together almost 3 years. He has a 13 year old daughter and I have a 7 year old son. Recently we argue a lot mostly over the kids and I can’t take much more. He is 18 year older than me and seems to think what he says is always right and I don’t know because I’m a younger mother. Or atleast that’s how he makes me feel. My son was sick with a cough and fever a few weeks ago and when my son is sick my so is so rude about it even though I make sure to Lysol and make him use his one blanket and pillow on the couch and I’m cautious. My so feels the need to tell me how to handle it like be careful and he threw a fit when my son was coughing in the living room and ran off to our bedroom in disgust. Yet this week his own daughter had the same type of symptoms and all I say is just be careful and tell her to wash her hands frequently and not be touching everything when she’s home sick and I got reamed a new one. He says you don’t need to tell me how to take care of my child I’m a grown ass man. Yet he can say what he wants to me like I don’t know. Then this morning I had to take both the kids to school because he had to work early. I get a call when I get to work that shes forgotten her project and will get a d if not brought in by noon. He’s leaving work 45 minutes away to bring it and get back to work. Yet my son forgot his planner a couple days and he yelled at him and told him if he forgot it again we wouldn’t be going to our planned event that weekend. The treatment of our children is so different and it really bothers me. And I feel like I can’t say anything about the fact I think she should be punished for forgetting her project or he’ll just get mad. What can I do? I mean do I just keep quiet and deal with my feelings on my own? How do you all handle this? Please help. I really don’t want this to ruin our relationship and lately it seems to be that way.
Kids should be treated
Kids should be treated equally... but it does sound like your DH doesn't directly discipline or direct your boy while you do to his daughter.
Re the sick thing.... kid in living room would have made me lose my mind too. Sick kids belong in bed in their room. period. They don't infect the household. But that should go for his daughter too if she is contagious.. she should stay in her room and be mindful of others.
Gosh... Are you sure that you
Gosh... Are you sure that you want to nurture a relationship with a guy who acts like that? I think I'd be looking for the big red EXIT sign.
I would leave and take my
I would leave and take my son, I will never allow this to happen.
Heaven knows what kind of
Heaven knows what kind of person this man would morph into if you married him. I would get out while you can, this type of person never improves over time.
"Like you say to me, don't
"Like you say to me, don't tell me how to take care of my child, I'm a grown ass woman."
I told him that during our
I told him that during our argument and he said well when I see something wrong I’m gonna call it it and I said so will I so wtf is the difference and he had nothing to say. Don’t get me wrong he is good with my kid and I appreciate his help with disciplining him but I think regardless of the kids age difference the rules and or punishments should go for both of them. That’s what upsets me. Like if my so. Was going to be punished for forgetting his agenda his daughter should get punished for forgetting her project. And if I listen to my so opinion of raising my son he should also listen to what I have to say when it comes to his daughter and not get defensive.
Alternative sit him down and
Alternative sit him down and say - the only way it's gong to work... is with the following
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
You both do this to each other's child, it's basically you do not parent each other's children, you remain friendly to the children but parenting is left to the bio parents
ANd every time I call him out
ANd every time I call him out and compare situations of the two like this he says it’s not tit for tat and he’s just trying to raise my son to me a tough boy which I agree with. I just feel like he babies his teenage daughter and he shouldn’t and I get I can’t do anything about that so maybe when he tries to give his opinion on my son from now on tell him to mind his child and I’ll mind mine. It’s the sick thing and the punishment that’s the worst. He’s great with involving both kids I. Activities and plays and is nice to my son in other things. If he wasn’t I wouldn’t be with jin. I wouldn’t put my son around a bad person.
If the instances are fairly
If the instances are fairly few and far between.. unfortunately, it may just be that there is a bit of bio parent bias going on. If he were on here, he might be able to point out some situations similarly.
Or, he might have good rebuttals for certain things.
Like the planner. Maybe the boy needs to turn it in for grades and has been making a habit of forgetting it and other schoolwork items... so DH puts the hammer down to try to jolt the kid into being more responsible.
Maybe for his daughter she "generally" is a better student and doesn't forget stuff like her project... so hammer down for an exception might not be warranted in his eyes.
Rarely are all situations exactly the same in context and circumstance.
If you truuuuly feel that he is being too hard on your son, you should be advocating for your child. If you believe that his daughter's behavior is out of control as a result of his permissive parenting and it is negatively impacting the household.. then again, raise THAT issue with your husband.
Part of the problem may that he feels he is the more authoritative person since he is male and/or the older of the two of you. He may feel that one should be more firm with boys than girls. He may think that the younger needs a firmer hand than an older and more set in their ways child. He also probably at a basic level loves his daughter before his feelings for your son. There is more built in unconditional forgiveness for a bio.. no matter how much people want to say they are being fair.
So, if it is egregious.. you deal with it. If it is just minor annoying then those are things we just have to pick our battles over.
But, again.. I would be exactly like him regarding the sick kid. I do NOT like being around them at all... they belong in their room. (though not sure why his daughter would have been a different case).
Thank you. What you say makes
Thank you. What you say makes sense. I mean it is few and far between and for the most part everything is good. I do advocate for my son when necessary and sometimes he will say he’s being hard but explain that he believes it’s important for my son at a young age and being a boy to toughen up as he was raised by momma and can be a little soft at times. I know he means well with my son. I really do. I just wish he realized it is important to be equally tough on a teenage girl and that he’s not doing her any favors by being such a softie on her. He’s afraid of her and her teenage attitude but he lets it go bcuz he doesn’t want To deal. And I mean we’ll bh trying to get him to see that. I think I know teenage girls better than he does and I wish he would let me help him as he does me.
That’s true. That’s why I’m
That’s true. That’s why I’m unsure what it is. The respect for me and each other. Plus our kids are different genders and ages. Plus we’re so far apart in age. I think possibly combination of all of thee above.
This is sad. I feel bad for
This is sad. I feel bad for your son and he should not have to be exposed to that. It seems your SO has resentment towards your son and this wont change. I would get out of this relationship. If you cant be open with one another with out fighting that is a huge RED flag. You should not be scared to bring concern to him. Plus your little guy was sick and they need those extra cuddles and should be able to curl up on the couch and watch cartoons.