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Ex wife started coming to family functions

jlo121's picture

My husband (of almost 4 years) and his Ex were married for 16 years. They have a 16 ye old son and a 12 year old daughter. 7 years ago the EX was caught cheating with her boss, which devastated and broke up the entire family, and they divorced. The divorce was bitter. She tried to take everything, even the kids. My DH ended up getting the house and joint custody which made her furious since she is a control freak. My DH family for the most part hated her and had nothing to do with her. About 3 years ago, my DH's neice started talking to his ex again, but she kept it separate from the rest of the family. I had suspicions that my SIL was also talking to the ex by things that she would say, but she insisted that she wasn't.

A few weeks ago we went to my neices college graduation party and there was the EX and her boss, the man she cheated on my husband with! My husband and I were shocked and heart broken. I bit my tongue, and put on a brave face for the Skids and my BD, but my husband and I were both ignored at the party. My SIL's family flocked to the Ex, probably trying to make her feel comfortable, and ended up alienating us. Once I got home my husband and I were in tears. My husband wrote them an email about how hurt we were, and how inappropriate it was for his ex, and especially her BF to be there in his brothers home. They ignored it for weeks and finally wrote back last night stating they didn't intentionally hurt us and we should basically get over it.

I am young (28) and my husband and his ex are 44, but I have always been mature and civil to his ex for the Skids and my BD, but I don't know how to get past this. They clearly don't care about our feelings, and his EX is clearly telling us that she's won and got her own way.

I come from a dysfunctional family, and was so happy to have a "real" family with my DH's family, and now I feel like the ex is breaking up the family again! My Sil is clearly choosing the ex over me and I don't know how to deal. Even if you take me completely out of the equation, I don't understand how my husbands own family can betray him like this.

The ex even showed up at my other neices prom last night, and she's already been invited to her high school graduation as well. I have been to every event and celebration, and have been the aunt to these girls for 4 years now. For 7 years she was been gone, why is she hanging around again?

I'm absolutely beside myself. Do I write off the family, or hang in there for the kids? Please give your advice or experiences. I need all the help I can get.

jlo121's picture

I completely agree that they've been seeing her, or at the very least still talking to her. Things would happen, or the XW would say something that she shouldn't have known. I tried to tell my husband that and he would say "no your wrong, my family wouldn't do that to me..." Well, they did. A lot of this could have been avoided if we just had the heads up. My husband almost threw a fit when he saw them. I had to calm him down. It would have ruined the entire party. I can't believe no one thought about that. They were so sneaky trying to keep it from us, and letting us find out like that. Very shady.

doll faced sm's picture

I would encourage DH to write them back and express that he has gotten over it. And to make sure he stays over it, he will not be attending any more "family" functions to which the ex has been invited. But that's me; I've had too much toxicity in my life to deal with other peoples' bull shi1t. I learned long ago that it's impossible to get over something that keeps being thrown in your face; it makes you miserable. I choose not to be miserable on other peoples' account.

jlo121's picture

MY DH isn't even speaking to his brother now which is so sad. No one even had the guts to tell us they would be there. At least if we had some warning we would have had time to wrap our heads around it! My youngest neice is having a dance recital in 2 weeks, and I am attending (so is the ex unfortunately) my husband however is not. I don't want to go against him, however my they are my BD family, and she adores my neice, and I don't want her to miss out.

My immediate response is to have nothing to do with my SIL and BIL, but I know it would make things worse, and if anything, the Ex would "win" for sure.

I hope your right krisnkids, and it all blows over soon. And you're right, I am married to my DH and his family, she isn't.

This is all so very confusing!

simifan's picture

I wouldn't go. It seems to me your relationship with SIL & BIL are more important then DH feelings. Point of fact, you've seen here numerous times you did not marry them all you married DH that was it.

Granted women are more spiteful, but I know I wouldn't be forgiving DH anytime soon for going when I refused.

jlo121's picture

I'm not going for my BIL and SIL, I'm going for my neice and my BD. MY BD and my neice are very close, and it wouldn't be fair to my BD to not go. I never had much of a relationship with my BIL or SIL to begin with, I'm just sad that I don't have a chance to have one now. My husband isn't mad about me going for my neice and BD, he just doesn't want to go himself. My DH feelings is what has me so enraged, not my own. While I am hurt, I am dumbfounded at how they can betray my husband this way. I never had a close family and it was awful. I'm not going to ruin my BD chance of having a large family that loves her because of my own feelings and my DH understands that. To make matters worse, my BIL and SIL are my BD God parents and were chosen by my DH) and are therfore a big part of my BD life. I'm kind of I the middle here, and trying to do what's best to maintain a good relationship with my skids and my bd. Not attending these functions would just strain my relationship with my skids which I'm not willing to sacrifice.

Sterling's picture

I can understand your frustration. I don't think you should give up on the kids or family. I have gone through similar experiences where my DH family talks, facebooks, emails, etc etc etc my DH's EX all of the time. I don't even know my DH's family very well since they mostly just talk to her, I think mostly because she is the mother of their three children. Don't give up though. She is coming around now, but people over time will remember the hurt she caused your DH/kids. Unfortunately, you can have no control over what she does; so don't worry yourself about this. Things will work out for the greater good for you. I definitely do not understand though why she is coming to these events. You just keep smiling and being your great self around his family!

LizzieA's picture

The same thing happened to us. My SIL (who was my friend too I thought) basically told DH to divorce BM since their marriage was so bad for years and he believed she cheated more than once, etc. She certainly did nothing as a wife for him, he took the brunt of all the family responsibility and she was a bitch to him on top of it. It almost killed him.

Our getting married quietly was a scandal for some reason to these hair-brained twits. SIL1 was incredibly jealous and turned against us, going so far as to call everyone in the family to trash us. (she drinks a lot) Then she called BM to see if she was "hurt" that we got married the day after BM's birthday. (it was going to be her BD until we remembered). It was only us at the wedding so it's not like it was shoved in her face or anything. BM had a BF by the way. None of them acknowledged our wedding with even a congratulations or card. (and this is a big card family)

BM continued to go to ALL the family events like she was still married. She even came uninvited to a small reunion of DH's HS friends at MIL's house. We soon moved away, thank God. After we were gone, they all saw BM's true colors. The house he lovingly tended became a pit with cigarette butts and alcohol bottles all over the place. Her neglect of the teen SKs (they chose to stay with her because of their "friends") was rampant and noted by family. We continued to go along and mind our business (although they were convinced we'd come crawling back to nowhereville) and finally they seem to "accept" me and our marriage. Not that I care.

I have no problem with people maintaining relationships. Where it crosses the line is when they treat the true relative and the new spouse like dirt, making it a contest that you are losing. This is needless, childish, and almost always motivated by jealousy and control. Many times the SIL or MIL identifies with the BM as being "rejected." And if you two are happy, some malicious souls consider that an insult to them. My SIL was hateful in emails to us and I just have to say "I don't care what you do I wouldn't want to be like you."

At my older age, I finally realized that you don't have to subject yourself to anything that is unpleasant or uncomfortable, ever. Go to these things if you WANT to, otherwise stay away. Don't feel like they are winning anything. They are losers just by the way they treat people. It must suck being them. Be happy with your family and enjoy life. That will really tick them off. Smile

By the way, we're headed up to the dog's den soon for SS's graduation. I will be so glad that one more milestone is ticked off. I really don't want to see or be around those people. To add to the fun, BM shot her mouth off about DH in his very small home town and we have to face the hairy eyeball every time we are there from other ignorant hicks. Funny thing, BM, it's you who made the family home a frequent stop for the police. We just get a tan and look good and happy and tell all to 'f off in so many words! People are vicious and stupid and love drama. Hang in there, you have us.

jlo121's picture

The strange thing is, my SIL was there for the ex while the divorce was going on. Listening to her badmouth my husband. My DH finally told her off, and supposedly she ended the relationship. When I came around and met the BM I could see the instant jealously in her eye, and I knew we'd have a problem. When they divorced she thought my DH would never do any better than her. Well, he did! I'm 16 years younger, and better looking (not to toot my own horn lol). She started snubbing me at soccer games, and completely ignored me and my daughter when she was born. Its all abut appearances with her, always acting so cold and business like, and trying to intimidate me. I kept being nice to her regardless to show her she wouldn't intimidate me no matter how hard she tried.

Soon o started hearing from my SD " we were looking at your facebook page, I loved that one picture..." Of course my SD was completely innocent in telling me, but I had to go on and block the ex so she couldn't view my business.

Then the BM father died, I was once again the mature one, writting her an email letting her know I was here if she needed anything for herself or the kids. It was after that when she started calling my DH's family and iis now hanging around. I don't know if she took it as an invitation, or if it pissed her off more knowing that I was a good person and she's trying even harder to get under my skin and make me crack.

Clearly my SIL is much more interested in having a relationship with her than me. She never gives me the time of day, and the BM is always invited to events WEEKS before me (and that's not an exaggeration). It just hurts that I'll never have a real SIL like I should.

I agree no one is "winning" but I can't help but feeling like the BM and I are in constant competition. I'm hoping they see her true colors and remember what she's really like. My god, I'm there for her kids both physically and emotionally more than she is! How great can she be??? Guess I just have to hang in there Sad

LizzieA's picture

Same thing here, BM thought that if she said he was a loser, then he was, and that he'd always be around to pick up her slack even after the divorce!! I think it shocked he that someone like me (educated, accomplished, raised two great girls, attractive) snapped him up like candy.

I'm actually older than BM but in way better shape. She let herself go BIG time. But DH isn't with me for that. We are totally in sync, best friends, equal intellectually, both creative people, etc. I wish we had gotten married years ago. We're too old to have our own kids.

It does hurt, though. I thought I was getting 3 new sisters. Instead I got the witches from hell. Too strange, as I didn't care when my brother got divorced and certainly wouldn't ever treat one of his women poorly. I'm not that invested in his personal life, ya know? I really think these women want to rule the family and are competitive with their brothers. Here's another ironic event: SIL kept claiming DH was drinking too much, to the point that his mother and sister were ranking on him one day while I was there. So we piped up and said, guess what? SIL got a DUI a few months ago, has lost her license for 3 years. She was keeping it a secret and projecting her BS onto him! She's a sick person.

jlo121's picture

Yes it does hurt. I too thought I'd have my own "sister" and instead it's like I'm invisible to her, and its very disappointing. When my DH and the BM were married, she hated my SIL, apparently she used to talk bad about her all the time. I don't get why they're close now. I guess if my SIL doesn't want a close relationship with me then its out of my control and its her loss. I know I'd make a great sister :-). I know she'll regret it one day when her kids are grown and the BM doesn't have as much of an excuse to be around. Then there I'll be, with my own family and my BD will be closer with the rest of the family. Some day she'll look back and wish she had that closeness, but it'll be too late. It's sad, but its reality. Life goes on, as difficult as it may be! I just hope my DH and his brother can work through it. I hate seeing them drift apart because of his EX. She already broke up the family once. I don't want to see her do it again.

NancyL's picture

The relationship between these 2 SILs existed a long time before you came along. I'm sure her H is just going along for the ride to keep the peace. You need to accept that the two SILs did not divorce each other and no one has the right to tell them who they should associate with.

They did not tell you that she was going to be there because they did not know that it would matter to either one of you. Now you know she is going to be invited to most things and you can decide to either deal with it or stay at home.

LizzieA's picture

People can associate all they want. But when there is bad behavior toward the new wife, that is rude and childish.

neveragain's picture

I'm speaking from the point of the BM. This might be a little different because my kids are now adults and truthfully, it was my ex husbands fault that we got divorced and his family is fully aware of that. We've not lived together in 10 years, and have been divorced for 3. I stayed away from his family functions, even though invited, because there was so much annomosity between us. The divorce was brutal. But I really loved his family; I just really didn't like him very much. Just over the last year, I started getting invitations to family events, and my kids really wanted me to go. He didn't want me there because he has a gf of 4r years and I think he was afraid of what I might say to her. My kids let him know I don't care about the gf, so I have gone to a couple of family functions of late and plan to go to their Christmas party. I think its uncomfortable for his gf, but she won him over by being the compassionate, open minded girl of his dreams (as opposed to the small minded bitch, according to him, that divorced him) so she can't show her true colors by objecting. I have no interest in him at all and just want to spend time with the people I grew to love while we were married and who also love me. On the other hand, he is not welcome around my family at all.

neveragain's picture

Actually, I have already told him and his family, that if he doesn't want me there then I won't go. One of the reasons I stayed away for the last few years. But over the past year, his father had been ill, and I would visit him in the hospital, always with either my son or DD. The ex thanked me several times for visiting his dad. Then his dad passed away, and I made sure it was alright for me to attend the funeral (my ex and his dad had attened my mother's funeral 4 years ago). That's when it came to light that he thought it would bother me to see him with his new gf, and I told him it really didn't. If he told me that he didn't want me to attend the family get togethers I wouldn't go. After the funeral, I drove my DD to the get together afterwards, and we all managed to be in the same room without having to interact that much, without causing any discomfort to other people. I dont' think she and I are going to be best buddies, and we don't even have to converse with each other. I don't go out of my way to interact with him, but I don't ignore him (or her, for that matter) if they speak to me or if we happen to all be involved in the same group discussion.

neveragain's picture

Stepaside said "Won't that be fun? You will have won for sure."

I really am not trying to win anything. I have not interest in him. Any feeling for him died a long, long time ago. I actually hope that he is happy with his gf, because he tends to get depressed and this is hard for my kids to deal with.

My comment about her was more a criticism of him: there was no need for him to compare the two of us, or to find flaws in the way I felt about some very underhanded things that happened in our relationship. I think if she had the full story, she wouldn't be quite so understanding, but she will never hear a word about it from me.

LizzieA's picture

Why not see them at other times then if you're so close? Why at the really important family times? You think his GF is uncomfortable but you don't care. How nice. They are NOT your family any more!

neveragain's picture

Then she needs to say something to her bf. His family has a long history of including exes after the divorce (there are 4 siblings, and 4 ex spouses; my ex husband has been divorced twice). So at any family gathering, you will find my ex husbands first ex wife, and the two ex spouses of two of his siblings (only one sibling has remained married to the same spouse). I had stayed away so as not to make them uncomfortable. It is now in her court to tell him she doesn't want me there, if that's the way she feels, but due to the family dynamic of including ex spouses, it really would be singling me out, especially since his first ex wife is in attendance at all these events.

LizzieA's picture

Not sure what problem is here then...but I will never understand exes acting like former in-laws are the family of choice for holidays. Time to move on, perhaps? Go to your own family or a new SO's? Get together with ex in-laws at less emotionally charged times...

neveragain's picture

I don't have a problem. My post was just pointing out to the OP one of the reasons why a BM might be at a family function. The difference in my case is that no one makes my ex and his gf's feel excluded, and like I said, even if I'm not there, another one of his ex wives will be there anyway. One of the siblings actually made a toast and said how much he appreciated the fact that we had all remained part of his family and said that having grown up with us, he considered us sisters.

In regards to seeing them at other times: everyone is busy; some people live out of state, so the only time everyone can get together is at these gatherings. The Christmas party is never actually on Christmas, so I'm not intruding on their personal holiday.

I'm not trying to start a fight here, I was just stating some different possibilities.

Also: I'm also a step mom, and I put in my time dealing with the first wife, and she was no picnic. I feel that if all other exes are included, I shouldn't be exculded. At least my kids with my ex are grown, so the gf doesn't have to deal with the nightmare of being a step, if they do decide to marry.

neveragain's picture

It's just the way the family operates. I got used to being around the first wife; we aren't friends, but usually talk a bit when we see each other. And, for example, at the dinner after the funeral, I sat at a table, and they sat at a table together. She was there to offer support to her bf; she sat with him, she was by his side. They are completely accepted as a couple. My presence didn't change that.

I don't think we will agree on this StepAside, and if I still had feelings for my ex, or tried to make her jealous, or acted as if it were still my role to support and comfort him, then, yes, I would say I had no business being there. But that just isn't the case.