Ex Wife / Partners family issues. Am I being irrational?
So, I’ve been with my partner for over a year. He has two kids to his ex wife. They seem to have a really good coparenting relationship but there are some things that just don’t sit right with me and I don’t know if I’m being irrational.
They have been split for now 3 years and for context I’ve been introduced to his kids and family. The kids have accepted me and it’s nice to have gained their trust in that regard. He talks to me with such kindness, and love. He talks about our future, living together, getting a family dog and even a family one day. He says he does not see his ex in that way now and she’s always going to be family
Firstly, I do want to say that I respect that he is doing what he thinks is best for his kids and I admire that. It’s not nice to grow up where parents are at loggerheads and at least it gives the kids a sense of normality. However, there are some things I’m feeling a little off about…
Him and his ex historically have and do a lot of activities together. When we first started dating they would go camping / go to theme park holidays etc. This though has not happened recently… They will go to pottery painting / cafes etc.. I totally support him in doing the right things for the kids and I always get they will come before me. My issue partly is that his ex wife acts like they are still as a family together. This is evident as she always tags him on Facebook in these posts and whilst I do on one hand get that she’s sharing her life it seems she never posts about anyone else or other activities that she does with him. She only tags her ex partner as if they are always doing activities together.. and I feel this has had an impact on how our relationship is perceived with my partners family. For reference when we had a day out together she didn't take any pictures, when it's her and my partner with the kids it's all over the internet seemingly like they aren't even divorced which suggests to me she maybe struggling to let go of their old marital dynamic
It has also been unacceptable with family events from his side. They have met me a few times but decided to invite his ex wife to his dad’s special 70th birthday and I was told I wasn’t allowed to come as they didn't want to upset his ex wife. This was after a year of dating. Secondly, I was told I wasn’t allowed to his grandmas birthday - then, I was told I could come after hesitation. For his sisters wedding I was invited, then I was uninvited because there “wasn’t room” when his mum and dad visited him to break the news. He did listen that I was hurt and took it on himself to go to his parents and wanted to gain clarification as to why this has happened as he knew it had upset me. He outlined I was upset I had been left out and tried to explore the reasons. They had apparently said there was no issue with me and the wedding was a genuine mistake they had over calculated spaces which seems a bit like an excuse
Fast forward to this week of his sisters wedding. His ex wife posted on Facebook about the wedding day tagging her ex husband about having a lovely day but didn’t tag the bride or groom who she is close with. I was quite upset by being uninvited to the wedding and that post brought back those feelings again. My family are very important to me and have been very accepting of my partner. So, these constant posts with just her ex husband / my partner really sit weirdly for me.
Yesterday he messages me to tell me he’s at the beach with his ex and kids. He didn’t tell me about this plan this morning when I saw him and it made me feel frustrated because it seems on the outside they are living in this past married family life and there isn’t space for me in that. I had an emotional chat about this with him last night and he assumed that I was having a day to myself he said he wanted to do something nice for his kids
I had a very open conversation about this where I was quite upset by the buildup of these events. He did say that he thought everything was ok, and going well. He apologised and said he needs time to think on how best to move forward. I also explained quite rationally about the difference in behaviour when she's alone with him versus me and him. Then, how she portrays this to the world. She isn't dating anyone at the moment and I don't know what's best. I don't want to stop him doing activities but at the same time I think subconsciously or consciously it isn't helping. His ex also knows that I've had concerns raised about the inclusion with his family which I also wasn't happy with him discussing. So, this feels a little manipulative from her side showcasing their family trips to the world.
I have thought about some actions that I need to change which are:
- He needs to advocate for me more with his family and acceptance of their treatment of me is complacency and acceptance
- I need to be included in family activities to help build a healthy dynamic
- More check-ins about how this blended dynamic is working
- Consideration I feel needs to be given to how everyone is feeling in this dynamic. Is it healthy? Is it helping his ex move on?
- A family therapist or some research for further blended family integrations
I am interested in hearing if others have had or been in similar situations.
Further info..
Just to add he's been very supportive that he wants to fix this and he was heart broken that I was feeling this way. So, he is willing it's just blindness which isn't helping.
If it was
just blindness causing his behavior he has no excuse for any of this moving forward.
If he comes back with conditions that seem "reasonable" but keep him enmeshed with his wife - and that's who she is - in any way, you will regret accepting them. I speak from experience as can many others here. You'll just be sentencing yourself to another year or lifetime of hurt.
I'll be blunt, he may think
I'll be blunt, he may think he's in a relationship w/ you but he's dating his ex wife. And his family is good w/ it, his kids are good w/ it, his ex is good w/ it and he's good w/ it. The only one not good w/ it is you. And I fully understand how you feel.
I came here to say the same
I came here to say the same thing!
Welcome to the site!
I have to say I agree with AgedOut. I had a slightly similar situation not long after I started dating my DH. The BM asked him if he wanted to go on holiday with her and the kids. When he told me, I said "If you are even thinking about it, then we have a BIG problem". No way I would have put up with that scenario, and in my opinion, all that is happening with your partner and his ExW is bang out of order and needs to change.
Thank you
I appreciate that response. Sometimes you need someone external and who has been in similar situations. Are you still together? What happened when you put that boundary down? Also, what does BM and DH stand for? Boys mum?
At the time, (22 yrs ago) DH
At the time, (22 yrs ago) DH (dear husband) accepted that I didn't want him spending time with the BM (biological mother), and she never asked again. However, she did force herself into various events that he took the SDs to. We are still together, but it has been a rocky old road. I would advise anyone in your position, not to make any serious commitments until they are sure that their partner has their back, and that you are his No 1 priority.
Don’t be afraid
to put that boundary down because you're afraid he'll leave you. If he does this was never going to work in the first place.
Absolutely not.
Here's the thing I told I told my BF about staying friends with the ex: the true test of whether it is really healthy to stay so friendly is when one person starts dating someone seriously. That tells you everything. If they are truly over each other enough to spend all that time together, then you should be at every important event with his extended family at this point and his ex should have no problem seeing you two together. The fact that you get uninvited to weddings speaks volumes. The FB stuff is also a bright red flag.
I would encourage you to resist the temptation to demonize her and place the responsibility for this squarely on your BF's shoulders. He started a relationship with you and it is his responsibility to draw better boundaries with her and insist that you be part of his family gatherings. If he wants a future with you, those are very basic things.
Please do yourself a favor and make this a hill to die on so that you don't waste a ton of time with someone who would rather have two women doting on him that be in a real partnership.
The only boundaries your
The only boundaries your partner and his family have are with you. He is literally dating his ex and you are his side piece. Throw this one back. As someone recently said, "You deserve to be the leading lady in your own life."
Come on !!!
Seriously? why would anyone think you being disrespected by his family would not be a problem. His decision to divorce, that means the Happy Family has ended. The ex is the ex. That relationship has ended. He started a new relationship with you. He must respect you and have your back. If you are not invited, he does not go. He does not have contact with the ex. Texting only ,,not deleted .. everything in writing ,texts. You are first Kids needs come first. Food clothing housing. Your wants come first. He must stop this. He needs counseling, on his behavior.
It really sounds like you are
It really sounds like you are the “other woman” in this scenario and your SO and his family are treating you as such. He may be divorced on paper but he sure isn’t physically.
Echo all of the above. Your
Echo all of the above. Your "partner" has not made space in his life to have another real relationship. Neither has his family. It's all nice and good for them and for the kids. But it's not very nice to lead you on as if he wants to start a relationship, but not set boundaries with his old one. The kids would be just as fine if he and his ex were on friendly terms but did things separately. Yes, some things can't be helped such as weddings and graduations. But the kids will be just fine if they go camping with him and you, or if they go glaze pottery with their mom. It's the parents who still need this for some reason and it leaves you out in the cold. And the not inviting/uninviting BS to his family functions is just that. BS. You can do better for yourself. If your "partner" doesn't see the problem, he isn't partner material and ahould stay single and devote his life to his kids and his ex.
Yes!
"It's the parents who still need this for some reason"
This is exactly why this is happening. And the blame doesn't just lie with BM. This feels good to BF or he wouldn't be doing it.
He's not ready for a future when his gaze is fixed on the past.
This is beyond a "really good
This is beyond a "really good co-parenting" relationship. She will always be family? She will always be the kids' mom but she is your SO's EX.
There is a line between good co-parenting and confusing the kids about still being a family. They are crossing the line, especially when you are treated like an outsider, like the mistress. Eventually, the kids will see you as that, also.
IF your SO starts putting up some boundaries (and enforces them), you will be the bad guy that is breaking up the "family".
This man is not ready to date. Let him play family with the ex, if he thinks that's best for the kids, and move on. I know that's easy to say but it's easier to do now than later. After being on Steptalk for many years, I've seen that this kind of situation just brings a lot of heartbreak because it never really changes, even if he says he's willing to change it. He wants it this way.
This is a very hard dynamic to change. He's used to it, his family is used to it, the kids are used to it, the ex is used to it. And, she's not the only one who is acting like they are still married.
It's deeper than just physical outings, this is an emotional co-dependency.
And even
if it does change there is always this question in your mind is did he really want this change? Is he just doing it to keep you?
Exit Stage Right
Agree with all the others. Your SO is still "married" regardless of what he says. This is NOT co-parenting. This is deep enmeshment and serious dysfunction. This WILL NOT get better. And it's not just your SO. It's his family, too.
unless your SO is willing to go to counseling and make major changes (which I highly doubt), get yourself out of this toxic mess and fast.
It's a huuuuuuuuuuge red flag
It's a huuuuuuuuuuge red flag that your SO says that his ex will always be family. Well, divorce means they are no longer family. If she's such family and so valued by your SO and his family, then why did they split? You say they have been split for three years but are they actually divorced? They're definitely not emotionally divorced but if they "split" three years ago and haven't followed through with an actual divorce, there's that.
Anyway, your SO is not split at all from his ex. He's living his life as if they never split. His family sees the "ex" as current wife because that's how your SO sees her. She comes first. Don't fall for gaslighting that she's the mother of his kids etc. and how you're a big meanie SM for trying to ruin a good thing for the kids. And how the kids come first and all that. The fact remains you are not in a "real" relationship. You are being treated as the side piece. Your SO is NOT being good to you. He is NOT being a good SO. Unless and until he lays down the law to his family, "ex," kids, and the world that YOU are his SO and YOU are number one and going forward it will be YOU attending all family events and not the "ex," you don't stand a chance of having a fulsome relationship. If you tell your SO this is what you need and he starts balking at that idea in any way, shape or form, then you know where you stand. It's nothing less than soul-destroying to come second to another female.
Also, there are people who
Also, there are people who divorce or separate but still choose to remain enmeshed. That is fine. For them, it's fine if it works. Where i have a problem is when one or both drag some poor unsuspecting schmuck into the mix under the pretense of wanting to start a real relationship with them, lead them on, and gaslight them into thinking that THEY are the one with the problem.
OP, you are being treated as the side piece and it's sanctioned by everyone involved including your SO's parents and siblings. This is not ok. My uneducated guess is that either your SO didn't want the split, or he did, and he wants to compartmentalize his life into the woman he uses as "family" (his ex), and the woman he uses for sex (you.) Or, his ex wants to do that and your SO is too weak to fight it but still wants sex. Don't be used that way. You are a whole person and deserve a whole relationship if that's what you want. And most people want that.
Put on your indepenent viewer
Put on your indepenent viewer cap and re-read your original post. Does this guy sound like someone who is actually over his XW and their failed family? What would you advise to anyone asking what you are asking?
Hint... HE IS NOT OVER HIS XW AND THEIR FAILED FAMILY!!!!
You and any children you will have will always be subserviant to his commitment to his XW and failed family.
Do not do this to yourself or to your future children.
When someone tells and shows you who they are, believe them.
Categorize people by their actions and never be fooled by their words. Look at what this guy is doing and what he is manipulating you into.
Do not do that to yourself.
Find a baggage free partner to make a life and family with. For this non-man and failed family baggage handler, you are the side piece. You in all liklihood always will be. As will be any children you unwisely choose to pollute your own gene pool with by spawning with him. Don't do that to yourself or your children.
If is looks like dog shit, feels like dog shit, and smells like dog shit, it is dog shit. This guy is what he looks, feels, and smells like. DOG SHIT!
IMHO of course.
I am glad you stopped by to ask us.
NOPE..your boyfriend and his ex going to paint and sips? Chumming around at family gatherings?
Isnt that rather cozy?
Listen, my x and I sucked it up during certain situations for the sake of the kids. I"D NEVER ever go paint and sip, or dinner, or sit around his place OR attend his families events. EWWWW
I do not want to hurt your feelings. From my view, you are being used. Your boyfriend should have immediately stopped this behavior the 1st time you brought it to his attention.
And, if you are helping pay the bills----I'd stop that. Assuming he is paying child support, all you are doing is is making UP for the money he hands over to his x. --let HIM get a 2nd job to make up that loss. Do not make HIS problem, your problem. What ever he gives BM for Child support, HE has to earn that same amount from another source. If you feel so inclined, toss him 1/4 of rent, 1/4 of electric. but certainly not 1/2 rent 1/2 electric etc.
START stashing big cash
(((HUGS))))...so sorry. What a terd.
Run like your behind is on
Run like your behind is on fire! Why did he divorce his ex? It's like they never split up! And you're his side piece. Throw this one back.
Why did he divorce his ex?
Why did he divorce his ex?
Why, indeed. I do wonder about exes like this. If it's so important to play happy family for the kids, then why not play happy family and stay married? Ya know, for the kids. Sure, they don't live together but this arrangement is just as much of an intrusion on a new relationship. Really, it's worse because the new partner thinks they're dating a single person... but they're not.
You said they split some time
You said they split some time ago - were they ever married? Could his ex be planning all this stuff to win him back?
Emotional adultery and
Emotional adultery and physical adultery are both adultery. This smells like both to me.
Whatever stench the adultery takes on, is a deal breaker IMHO.
Take care of you.
One more thing:
If he comes back with a "solution" in which he says he can't just cut his ex off because that would hurt her feelings (which I think he will) run like the wind! He will be putting her needs above yours and that is a completely untenable situation.
And the fact that he has continued to set up outings with his wife while you stay home tells me he has not considered how it would affect you - because you're not the most important adult female in his life. After all, he could have invited you to the beach with his kids - without his wife - but chose instead to exclude you.
I would not. DID NOT stand for this nonsense
I told my then GF. It's him or me. I don't play those games. He can either go back to the ex. Or basically cut all contact with her. No seeing her in person, no beach days, everything is done by text what's not deleted. Just kid pick up and drop off at the curb .
or he will be without you. You must find out who more important, you or the ecl. No more BS. story's