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Ex-wife living with my fiancee 6 months of year -- new to the board

stepmum's picture

Hi, everyone...I am new to this site and I thought I'd get advice which I probably don't need because the situation seems clear-cut but I feel so lonely right now that maybe hearing from others will help.

Here is the gist: fiancee and I met while he was still in process of divorcing his wife. Their marriage went down the drain as she became asexual and was unhappy living in the country w/o a greencard stuck in the house with two babies all day. She abandoned them and left to move back up to canada, didn't see them again for almost a year. He and I work wonderfully together...we've come a long way from the problems we used to have. After 3 years of dating, he popped the question last september. BM is a relatively nice person...does some inappropriate things like cussing or smoking around the kids, but she's a pretty good mom, good with nutrition, etc. We have our differences but she's not a horrible person to be around...for a little bit at a time. She's schizo, really seriously crazy in some ways...I can't go into that, it's a really long story. Ex won't file for custody -- afraid he'd lose despite her being arrested and hospitalized countless times -- bc we're in tennessee in the South and he's the dad, she's the mom, he just doesn't want to take the chance. She doesn't have a home in canada or a job. She just comes down here to visit the boys, takes over the house...my fiancee is studying for his master's right now and appreciates her being there to take care of them. She also doesn't pay child support. Uses his money.

I'm at the end of my wits. He's turning it all around.

It's my fault, really. He's been saying the same things to me for years -- how he was willing to pay any amount of money to make sure that the mother was in the boys' life, how she would always take precedence. I wanted to believe that might change now that we're engaged. But it hasn't. The last time I left, when I moved into the house I'm in right now (he lives 10 minutes away), she was there -- she stays in his house, sleeps on the floor in the boys room on a mattress between their beds...from September to December. December 22, he proposed. In March, she came back -- she calls him and says, "I'll be coming in tomorrow" no notice, no formal plan, nothing...drove all night from Canada -- and she's staying until the first week of June. Well, it's been 2 months since she got there. Two months of her taking over from day one when she got there. Two months of having to watch her and the boys together. Two months of having to deal with her every day every time I go over...watching movies with her on the couch, trying to have private conversations on the porch which she interrupts, trying to find some place to smoke or read by myself where she isn't, where I don't have to deal with her every second that I'm there.

Anyways, I cracked. We had a great day and a half this past weekend when she left with the kids to go camping. Then she came back and I was in the sub-room getting dressed, noticed k went out to grab some food she had grilled. They were sitting at the table and something she said made him laugh really hard. And it just hit me, y'know...it's just going to keep going like this year after year. There's nothing that will change it. She'll continue to be her, and he'll continue to let her be her. She'll continue to not pay child support while I'm raising her kids the other six months of the year. She'll continue to come to our house instead of having them go to her house. She'll continue to use his credit card to finance her being in town. And he thinks I should just put up with it. I got very agitated, and since she was in the house, there was nowhere for us to go to talk in private. So I left. I didn't really feel I had a choice -- she was sitting in my seat on the porch, he was sitting in his seat on the porch.

So I write him, I tell him I've had enough, that two months is long enough for me and that I won't be going back until she's gone. Told him he couldn't have his cake and eat it too. It's my brain. It's my heart. And I can place limits if I need to. Oh, yeah, and I kinda made him mad because I told him he didn't have balls. I think that was kind of a no-no.

He didn't believe a word of it. He said "less talk, more running"...then when I told him what was wrong, he said "run faster". He thinks I'm being avoidant. I guess he thinks that I don't actually have a reason for feeling the way I do -- I just don't want to get married. Because I've been putting off signing a prenuptial agreement that would say, basically,put up with all this sh1t so you can be with me and help me raise my kids, but you can't have access to my money because I don't want you to walk all over me if we split the way my ex-wife is walking all over me and I don't trust you.

Annnnnnd, y'know, the guy has a test in three weeks, so he's really under the gun. He texted all these things in response to what I was asking him: He has zero tolerance for my drama right now and he's got better things to devote his energy to. I can either deal with the circumstances or not deal. There's not much he can tell me that will change the way things are. He can certainly empathize but I will either have to accept what is or move on. He will pay any amount for the boys to have a good relationship with their mother regardless of her shortcomings. And what I have to understand is that those are his wishes for the boys. He will always listen to me and try to put some balance on everything fairly, but that some things just have to play themselves out. When I asked him whether he considered a balance between what she wanted, I wanted, and he wanted to be just telling me to suck it up, he told me that the conversation was over. Then back to how his advice may not be the most easy or the best but that it's better than what I'm doing by avoiding. (Still don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be avoiding), and apparently it's alienating him and alienating me from the boys.

Well, I guess Mommy is more mature than me because she seems to be able to handle this situation better. I am SO surprised by the fact that she seems to deal with it better. What's not to like? Getting to see your kids, getting free food, free rent, free gas, free cigarettes six months out of the year AND pissing off the fiancee? Yeah, that sucks.

I need help. I need an ear. My heart is breaking and I don't seem to be able to get him to understand the gravity of this situation. It seems that he's made his choice and made it crystal clear. And I know I have to make mine.

stepmum's picture

Hello blueberrysbaby! I see you're a hot mama on these boards:) Thanks for taking the time to write, I really appreciate it...I wrote a new forum telling everyone an update -- is that a no-no? Should I be updating on the original thread?

BlueberrysBaby's picture

Steptobe, none of us wish this life on our worst enemy - you've still got a chance (read the "Would I do it again, knowing what I know now" topic). Realize that you've been unbelievably generous to this family which is, apparently, still pretty intact.

You have an opportunity to learn from this rather than be strangled by it. He obviously puts his first wife in an extraordinarily high position in his life (staying in his HOME?!?) - despite what or who he is the other 6 months of the year, when this woman appears in his life, he lives as her husband.

Can you stand to live the next 20 years or more as "the other woman"?

Blueberry's Baby

Cruella's picture

That is a great point. You are being put in the position as the other woman!

stepmum's picture

I actually came to this forum from the 'would you do it again' thread off google. Scared the beejeezus out of me! Sometimes too much reading is a bad thing:) Thank you for saying that I've been generous. I am sometimes told in moments of frustration that -I- should be grateful! Nice to know some people still see sacrifice (loss of freedom, puke, kids I didn't exactly breed but will take care of for the next 15 years, the forever ex) and good deeds for exactly what they are, rather than CHOICES we make and need not be congratulated on or recognized for.

As I told biomom, though...I really do care for the boys. Sad

Anne 8102's picture

The only person avoiding anything is HIM. He's avoiding doing what is necessary to have any kind of real relationship with you because he doesn't have the guts to stick up to his ex. I've been a SM to three for almost six years now. Under the best of circumstances, which you are most certainly NOT in, it's hell. Even with mutual love, respect and understanding, there are days you want to leave. So in your less-than-ideal situation, you are almost guaranteed to fail in this marriage if it happens. It is how it is. If he's not interested in changing before you get married, he won't change afterwards. SAVE YOURSELF!

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

stepmum's picture

You are absolutely 100% right and I took steps to find out whether our relationship has the chops to last -- I updated and hope you will respond...thank you Anne!!

goingcrazy's picture

Your fiancee said "Run Faster". I would take his advice and run as fast as you can AWAY from him. Loving a person is one thing, but it is not enough to build a marriage on. And this man lacked respect for you. Move on honey. There are plenty of men out there that would be greatful to have your support and willingness to be a step mom. Good Luck.

Cruella's picture

Girl this man is USING you. You need to tell him to watch how fast you can run. Take my advice if this man doesn't stand up for you now what makes you think he will after you get married. The only sanity in my marriage is the fact my DH does stand up for me most of the time. It only gets worse because then you are trapped and it is harder to get out. Pleeeeeeasssssse RUN!

stepmum's picture

Thank you for the words, goingcrazy:) I appreciate that you took the time to write them...I'm giving us one more try, I've spelled it all out and we'll see what happens. Sigh.

stepmum's picture

Hi, Fearless! Yes, I am...I've always been...I was before I met him and I am now. The only difference is, I'm not 26 anymore, and it feels like a world of difference between 26 and the 30 I am now. I put my foot down and if he decides to sit down and compromise, hopefully we'll have a chance. Thank you:)

marika's picture

She is his EX not his current flame, so she doesn't get to be placed above you. He is the one with the issues. He wants you to sign a prenup so you can't take his money, but SHE gets to use his credit cards and sponge off him for months at a time without any protest from him?! How long is that supposed to continue?

Take his advice and run faster. You deserve to be treated much better than this.

marika

stepmum's picture

I agree 100%! I only wish that the situation were different, but it's not. She's mental and she'll always be mental. He loves his kids more than life itself, probably more than me, too. It's my decision to make, and I put my foot down and am giving us ONE more chance. He's been a real ass in the past but he's changed a lot and that says something...he's just stubborn as h#ll and it takes forever!!!!!!!!!! I hope he doesn't blow it...I wrote about it in the follow-up post...thank you for taking the time to write and for your words:)

Georgie Girl's picture

Steptobe,
You post made very sad and concerned for you. My heart really goes out to you. However, as the other ladies have said, run. This guy is not worth your time. Being in a step situation is hard enough without having to deal with this kind of bulls**t. He is not being respectfull of your feelings. It is of the utmost importance for the adults in the step family to be a united front. It is better for everyone involved, including the children. I think his whole take on things is a bit warped. You deserve better.

Georgine

stepmum's picture

Georgie Girl, I feel better today. I wrote in a follow-up post about how I let him know EXACTLY what I needed and EXACTLY what needed to change, since he couldn't seem to see it. We will see what happens next, but I took my stand and I gotta be prepared to follow through on what happens if we can't find a solution. What we -are- good about is presenting a united front with the boys -- we back each other up in matters of disclipline and other things and we all have SO much fun together, but when it comes to the ex he just doesn't know what to do. He feels so trapped and I know I'm making it harder but, well, if it weren't me, it'd be some other woman, so he might as well deal with it NOW. I hope things work out for us...thank you so much for your empathy...I needed it!!

Anonymous's picture

He is a foolish sob if he thinks he will ever have a woman who will live with this situation. And it sounds like he doesn't care if he has a relationship or not..because I think he has a relationship with the ex. When she's in town, do you stay over there all the time? If they are having such a good time together, I suspect they are still sleeping together occasionally too. Sounds too chummy for me. You need to run as fast as you can as the other ladies have put it and so did your BF. I've read a lot of things on this site, but never anything like this one. Who does this man think he is anyway? He's not interested in a loving relationship with a new wife..he still has the old one..and up on a throne to boot. Do what you know you need to do and leave..move on..I know it's not easy..but you should do it now before you invest more time with this jerk. You deserve better...a whole lot better.

Georgie Girl's picture

I think you have summed things up quite well.

Georgie girl

Cruella's picture

About this site is we come here to vent and give our different views. This site has done wonders for me. Biomom hit it right on the nose we won't bash you if you decide to stay. We all have our days of wanting to run out the door screaming and pulling our hair out. Believe me I have threatened to leave many of times and I am still here. My friends don't understand the situation and wonder why. Everyone on this site have experience and views that may put things into perspective. The ladies on here are fantastic women with a lot of understanding.

stepmum's picture

Cruella...Lawd, let me tell you I still don't think that after three years I know what the heck I'm doing here. We ain't newlyweds fresh out of a 1 year relationship -- we're going on almost four and I am NOT stupid. Or -am- I? Ha! Nobody but us really understands. It can sometimes stink so bad even just to see a couple with a stroller come walking by while I'm on the porch, and know that they have no idea what's to come if they ever got divorced. I also can't have kids biologically, so the whole find some other guy to be with and have kids with doesn't really apply. I'm not completely attached to his kids...I do love them both a lot, especially the youngest because I've known him since a baby, but until I'm married to my fiance, I reserve part of myself, y'know? I tried to give more this last time and man my heart got burned when a few months later I had to watch bm and the boys together. I don't think my fiance has any idea what I go through. He can be SO OBTUSE!!

Anyways, thank you for welcoming me and we'll see what happens with the the lastest post I made...thank you again:)

Cruella's picture

One thing I want to ask you to do is to step back a bit and ask yourself what are YOU getting out of this situation? How would marriage to this man benefit you at all? If the answer is nothing but "Love" you better think about it. I am in that same boat and believe me after 3 years I discovered that when I got married I lost myself and the things I like to do to my husbands crazy life and baggage galore with his ex. Sometimes love isn't good enough. I would wait until this woman is out completly before saying I do. Sit back and what how attached your fiance is with ex even after she gets a place on his one. That will tell you alot. You have a right to live your life without this woman in everything you do. When you marry him you are his family along with his children. Ex is just that an ex no longer his wife.

How are you ever going to be married with this woman living in his home. Your Fiance needs to understand when you are married to him your relationship with him takes priority over his ex!!!

Since my DH has custody of the kids and ex lives around the world I don't have to witness what you do on a daily basis. I can't imagine how bad it is on you. Your fiance is lucky to have you and he needs to appreciate you. There are not many people who are strong enough to be in a situation like you are in and No I don't think you are stupid. You love the guy. He needs to realize and appreciate your feelings in all of this. He is not really helping your relationship keeping this woman in his home. He needs to start weaning her off of him and get her in a place where she is on her own. If she can't stand on her own then he needs to get custody of his children and send her on her way. He is not really helping her at all but just letting her live off of him. He has the best of both worlds now. Stick to your guns. He has to realize he can't have it both ways. Is he actually divorced? I only ask because in my state you can't get a divorce without living in separate homes a year. If this is the case then you better check the laws in your state.

stepmum's picture

Thanks so much for your response...he and I are definitely on the same page now...and I never got the chance to explain that when he said run and run faster, it wasn't his advice to me, it was a response to what I was doing, because I do have a history of walking away -- and he knows that it happens when my back is to the wall and he's not taking me seriously. We do have an understanding. We do support each other 100%. However, the bm and I had our -first- ever confrontation of sorts. We were all having a nice time in the family room and it was time for the boys to put their pajamas on. We had one of those silly race things, who can get their clothes on firrrrrrrrst sort of things. 5 year old got his pants on and then I swooped his shirt down over his head...6.5 year old had bm helping him and the shirt was stuck -- he immediately burst into tears and ran out of the room. Then what ensued was all of us calling out and making silly jokes -- bm was putting his shirt on over her head being silly and saying "i'm putting it onnn", bd and I were also being silly, calling him back in...he came back in and we were all being silly trying to get him to stay. This went on for probably 7 or 8 minutes with bm holding him and treating him like a baby while dad finally was able to settle them down and read to them. Everything was fine and calm, but then bd and I went out to the porch and I looked at him suddenly and said -- I just thought of this, but do you realize that we spent 30 seconds being happy for the little one for doing what he was supposed to do and winning fair and square, and 7 minutes cajoling, coddling and giving negative reinforcement to older's behaviour? The little one is starting to exhibit the same pattern of competitiveness. He agreed with me that it was a definite concern and I said, "what can we do about this? I think we should give him a chance to calm down, hug him and tell him we love him, explain again how sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but that the game is fun and the appropriate way to respond is to congratulate the other guy. Then ignore him while if carries on instead of paying attention to it, giving him another hug once he calms down. What do you think?" He agreed, and we agreed that our responses would be consistent no matter which of us either of the boys were with. So, I thought I would share this with bm to hear what she said and see if we could all agree to be on the same page. BAD IDEA. She is completely irrational. Makes absolutely no sense. I asked her what she thought, and she didn't seem to understand what I was saying..."if the boys were at your house and evan acted jealous and starting a temper tantrum, how would you react?" BM: Well, for one thing, I wouldn't have them in school! Me: I'm sorry, I'm not following you BM: During the -summer-, I wouldn't have them in school Me: Well it's true that it's really sad that he and I can't be with them during the summer, but getting back to this situation, what did you think of the solution he and I propose? BM: You can't treat both kids exactly the same way! Me: I don't see how that matters -- if you say to one person, if you do this, this is the consequence, they will respond differently than if you say the same thing to someone else. What we are trying to do is mold the same responses, because there are appropriate and inappropriate ways to behave no matter who the child is. BM: Gets very agitated and gets up and walks inside. BF: You see what I have to deal with with her?

YES. For the FIRST time, I did. I've been walking on eggshells for a long time now and this was the first time I went head to head with her. I now really -do- see how unpredictable and irrational she is. There is no reasoning with her. I feel so much better now that I know exactly what I'm getting into and that I have BF behind me all the way. Unfortunately, I'm just going to have to practice detachment and stay out of the parenting crap while she is there. There's no way around it. I'd like to think that one day we will get full custody, but who knows how she will respond -- she could try to kidnap them, she could take them back to Canada, there's no way to know.

He and I walk inside and she's already trying to sleep in the boys room and starts (I'm hard-of-hearing so I don't know if she was yelling or talking) saying (he tells me later): BM: This isn't a 3 way custody! BF: She was just trying to help! BM: Why don't you call your mom and ask her how she feels! (his mom coddles them a lot, too -- and by the way hates bm for ever abandoning the kids) And a few other sentences that I don't remember right now. But I think the meaning was very clear.

So, it's obvious this woman is crazy, unreasonable, and UNPREDICTABLE. I'm actually very concerned now at least for myself. She said something this morning to bf about how the oldest had gone under the covers while he was in bed and was making "weird noises", I guess insinuating that the oldest had heard or watched us having s3x at some point. In general, that's pretty unavoidable in a small house where the kids are literally 15 feet away in another room. She treats that as if it's something wrong instead of an obvious clue that *ding ding ding!* maybe it's time to talk to him about it instead of just pointing fingers -- maybe not necessarily the birds and the bees talk, but certainly to at least inquire as to what he heard. Little boys don't know that s3x is construed as a bad thing by some. We could at least tell him that if he hears that it means me and dad love each other very much like when he and his brother nuzzle noses and make lion sounds (they really are too cute together:). And that's IF she is actually right and he wasn't just making the multitudes of noise that 7 year olds make ALL THE TIME.

It's obvious that ANYTHING can tip her scale. I actually apologized to her this morning, telling her that I didn't mean to upset her and that the parenting decisions were hers, that I was just trying to help. She just smiled and was rushing with the boys out the door.

BF told me today on a break that he just can't wait for her to leave so we can get our normal lives back! I agreed! Then it will be like 3 months until she comes back!!!!

She actually wanted to go on our ONE florida vacation for a week and on the one hand he would love the boys to be there and actually have them around with a babysitter: Me: are you -serious-?! She is NOT a babysitter. And we're already trying to do this on a limited budget and you want to have to get her her own place? You want to have all of us shoved into your car for 12 hours? NO." LOL!

You can't get mad at guys because they don't know like women do what the OBVIOUS answer is. But f*ck I put my foot down at that and he completely understood. I want PEACE AND QUIET before we take on the boys full-time again in June!

Anyways, thanks again for the advice but he and I after 2 months of serious talking and negotiation, are crystal clear on what the feelings and terms are involved in our getting married.

I will update soon!

Hanny's picture

Just 3 days ago you were saying you can't take this anymore..now you are saying that after 2 months of serious talk and negotiation things are good. I'm guess I'm confused as to where the 2 months came from. I thought you 'just put your foot down' since the 3 day old post.

Anyway - good luck! But I don't think your seeing this picture clearly. And I don't think this is a good situation for the kids, you said it yourself...so why does your BF continue doing this again? I get the feeling it's not for the kids since they seem so confused by the living arrangements, but think it's for the BM!

stepmum's picture

People say a lot of stuff when they are upset, and I WAS very, very upset, but along with being upset, I also blew things out of proportion. What is unacceptable to one person is fine with another person. I did have my breaking point and we dealt with it accordingly and have laid down some ground rules, but if I hadn't said anything about it before I get angry, he shouldn't have to read my mind. He also said he would never have her stay as long as she was staying again, but because she's so unstable there is NOTHING we can do about it. And it was 2 months negotiation about the -prenup- -- on every other level we agree just about 100%, from who does what in the house to how the kids should be disciplined. He backs me up every step of the way and we very very rarely don't present a united front when it comes to the kids.

Why does he keep doing it...good question and a few answers. Because she doesn't have a home because the government purportedly was going to put her into a witness protection program so she put in notice at her house and quit her job last year. Not surprisingly, a month went by and el governor never contacted her. She moved back in with her mother last year and I think when she leaves here she will be going back up to "live on a farm". She has no intention of ever working again because she thinks the government is going to be giving her a huge settlement for emotional distress because of this terr*orism that she's had to deal with, being targeted by a group that supposedly keeps trying to kill her (why a mother would put her children in danger by visiting and thereby making -them- the "target" too, ummmm HELLO?!). She's on disability, so we don't even get the child support she's supposed to be paying. We don't want to garnish it through a court order because then she'd have no money and all and we'd end up sending it so what difference does it make? She doesn't have her head straight, so there is no trying to get her to be rational.

We would PREFER that the kids stayed close to home and not 1200 miles away in another country if they are going to have visitation. We feel like the negative effects of having all of us together are outweighed by the possible events that could happen if they are that far away. I don't believe she's dangerous to her kids at all...she loves them tremendously. However, she is typical, quick to irritate, rambling sentence structures, difficulty remembering things, etcetc and if she thought I was a threat she -might- do something, but I really don't think so and don't intend to test it. She can just be infuriating and my so generally can't stand her. Apparetnly I also jumped to conclusions about what they were talking about on the porch. He told me, If it makes you feel better, she and the kids had been camping the previous weekend and she was telling him that the youngest told a joke to the oldest, a silly knock-knock joke. I told him I didn't really feel better but that at least I knew it wasn't about them. He really can't stand her and having her there makes him miserable -- we can't wait for her to get the hell out again!!

My so is a wonderful, kind human being who has had to deal with this woman for going on 8 years now. He's very protective of himself and very protective of the boys. Also, alot of the stuff I wrote was his first reaction to when I left, and people's first reactions are generally their worse. He has abandonment issues just like many of us and when I just walk out and leave like that because I can't articulate what is bothering me, the first thing he does is get, *gasp* very, very upset. As far as the prenup, I probably shouldn't have said anything about that because many people -think- they know what a prenup is, but in actuality it's an incredible way to protect yourself from financial abuse. Okay, maybe it can be construed as being "a precursor of the end"...asking for it to end. Since when has being COMPLETELY financially transparent every hurt a couple who were about to get married? Most people don't talk about money until AFTER they get married, when they realize one is a saver and one's a spender and life is a living hell thereafter. People who say money isn't everything are full of crap -- money is the MOST talked about issue in a relationship and of the 50% of people who get divorced, 39 percent of them are getting divorced because of money issues. I am HAPPY that my money is going to be protected from him and his kids if anything ever goes wrong and we split up. We intend to join our money together anyways and y'know what? My so is right...we will be taking care of each other and putting our money into a pot together, and if we ever have problems with money, then it's not a money or legal problem anymore, it's a -relationship- problem and we are protected. I only WISH that a lot of the ladies on this board who are were taken for a ride, not only paying for their own kids but for their so's kids, had signed a prenup stating that at least the money and the things they owned before the marriage stayed theirs -- then at least the kids don't have to leave a home that has been split in two! Yes, it took him forever to see my point of view. He can be very stubborn. But he did eventually and that's what counts. He's also had a stable, high-paying job for 5 years, owns his own house, and he's had to give up a lot to take care of these kids from the age of 23. It's always going to be harder to convince someone who has been burned before that you're not going to abuse them like the one before. Even harder where there are kids involved.

Anyways, we are NOT doing this for the BM, we are doing this for the kids. We could have her stay at a hotel, but who the hell is going to pay for it for months? We could have her stay at a friend, but who the hell would have their kids visit a hippie community? We could have them go up there, and who the hell is going to pay the 1800 dollars for them to fly up with someone three times a year? Either way we get screwed and we pay.

There's no solution until one presents itself. He's been good for me. I was laid off two weeks ago and within one day he had found a great job for me and put in the references. He keeps the house clean, etcetcetc.

Anyways, I think I've run on long enough. Thank you for your comment but I'm pretty sure he and I are in this together and will remain so.