EX Husband Moves in......
I have been married 7 years to a woman who has 4 children, I have two. She has two boys left at home now and she has been transferred to another city in south Texas......I have remained in the Dallas Area trying to sell our house which is the house that she and her EX built 16 years ago. We are having troubble because the was an IRS protestor and had it set up in a flaky trust that is costing us thousands in legal fees to resolve. The guy has been married twice since being married to my wife and does not work or pay child support. However he is a big Hero to his kids and they have been known to raid our pantry to take food to him and his wife. They also give him their allowance and the two older Daughters are now sending him money. My wife moved down south in August, About that same time his wife filed for divorce, forcing him to go live with his brothers floating between one or the other. In September my wife asked his help with the boys because they were skipping school. He went down there and talked to them. That visit opened a pandora's box.....now he is spending a large amount of time with them and is staying at the townhouse that we are leasing. My wife thinks that his involvement with the boys is important and lets him sleep there on the couch... My relationship with the boys is none too good as she has never supported and in fact has bludgeoned me in front of them when I am trying to get them to help out or respect her or I. I after many times of this behavior have more or less washed my hands of their upbringing because it is a no win situation for me and they know it.
I of course do not approve of the EX staying with them but my wife trys to make me think it is no big deal and that she does not give him the time of day. As a result of these visits, the two boys are having dreams of their mom and dad getting back together. This has made my relationship with them even worse. To the point that if I call on the phone they will not give my wife a message. I guess I feel like I am being pushed out because my wife says that the kids come first and that they need their DAD in their life. She is even hiding the fact that he is coming down there from me, and will not let me know unless I ask because she know it upsets me. I also have found that she insist I do not come down on the weekends that he is there. This behavior is just too weird to me and it has caused me to have trust issues with her.I am now faced with the problem of moving myself down south and face the problems that will arise when I forbid the EX to spend the night anymore. She is also giving him money. $11,000 to be exact since September and I also disapprove of that because it enables him to stay afloat while not working or paying child support.
After all of this, I am feeling like a fifth wheel and an enemy of the family. I guess I feel like I am being forced out. Anyway I have given her a deadline of Wednesday to let me know if it will be the EX or me. I have a job down there and start next Monday but am hesitant to do so in light of the current situation. I love her but we have always had issues with the kids and have not been very successful as a blended family because of kid issues. And the good for nothing EX shoeing up with his martyr suit on.
Any thoughts or suggestions as to what I should do in this dilema are appreciated. I have tried to look at the positive and negatives if I did move but there is not much on the positive side.
thanks
Um...red flags here, my gut
Um...red flags here, my gut tells me something has been up for a while. Doesn't sound like you are happy - I would if anything consult an attorney to be sure that your assets and intersts are being taken care of. I would also be leary of this guy getting my personal info and ruining my credit.
When no one else looks out for you or puts your feelings first, you have to do it yourself.
There's no reason for this, nor any excuse for it.
I don't care what her kids are doing, it's no excuse for her ex to move in and set up housekeeping like they are one big happy family. What the hell is she thinking?! It doesn't matter if there's nothing going on between them in the romantic sense. A married woman simply does not share a home with her ex-husband. Me? I think I might take this opportunity to file for divorce. Seven years is quite an investment, but it's nothing compared to the rest of your life. See a good attorney and PROTECT YOURSELF.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
More info from Emails flying
More info from Emails flying back and forth. Her response to my catching her having him down for the weeknd last friday and insisting that I not come down for numerous reasons other than HE was there.....
Comments welcomed!
Quote
Ididnot choose xxxx over you. he does not come first. however, my kids do come first and that might be the core issue for you - the boys will come first until they leave home. the next few years are critical for simon and he is in a position to completely screw up his life based on recent events. i wish you could see that. i need xxxx to straighten him out because he is the only one who can - like it or not.
please understand i am not trying to hurt you. i just wish you were more understanding of the pressures that i face being here by myself with the boys with no father figure in their lives. further, you have alienated them so that they do not want you here with us. that is the root issue that needs to be addressed for us to be successful as a family - xxxx has nothing to do with it. you are giving him way too much credit and power over you. he would be the first to tell you that i hardly give him the time of day when he is here, and he is here to see the boys, which i support. if having him in the boys' lives means i put him up for a few nights a month, it is well worth it for the improved behavior i get from the boys after he has straightened them out.
you need to address the real issues (your relationship with the boys and your trust issues with me) instead of blaming xxxx for everything.
Oh, cry me a river.
Sorry, but he can parent the boys and influence them positively without being under her roof. And as for trust issues, it's hard for there to not be trust issues when your wife is living with her ex-husband. I agree with her on one thing, you need to stop blaming her ex. SHE is your problem.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
I would definently seek
I would definently seek legal advice!!!Every mother puts there children first over there relationships. But to an EXTENT! Its like she still has this family but your the one on the side. I really do think there is something going on. I mean, why pay all this money for basically a dead beat dad? Someone who cant grow up and take care of himself and his responsibilities. WHY? Why cant you pop on in? That alone shows that they are hiding something. I think you may already know the answer to this but just need someone else to tell you. You dont deserve to be treated this way. My fiance gives my 4 kids what ever he can. I dont expect him to but he does. They have only been in his life for 2 years. But i tell you what, I will be damn that they show him any disrespect. If there father was this GREAT guy, they would have never divorced and he would take more responsibility for them. As for your wife. SHAME ON HER! Her old life died the day she married you. Whether or not her ex is a loser is NOT her problem nor your problem and she should NOT be catering to him. I could understand if something major happened in his life and he needed a night stay. Even a week. Because you cant just turn your back sometimes, but this daily, weekly, monthly thing has got to STOP! You need to take control of your life and your relationship and it sounds like she is trying to make you feel guilty about not trusting her, when she is the one showing all the signs of not being a person to trust. Keep us updated!!!
"Just because you can give birth, doesn't mean you should"
Who's $$$
Is she giving him? That among other red flags in those e-mails would have me looking for the door. The reason the boys don't want you there is because they see their family back together and every child from a divorced family wants that. Perhaps the boys behavior is the excuse your DW is using for his visits but I am sure the boys know that and want his visits to continue so you may end up fighting a loosing battle anyway. I also disagree that all women put their children first over their marriage. I love my children but one day they will leave and it will be just me and DH, so I need to make my relationship with DH first and the children fall into place with unity from the parents. I don't understand her logic about not wanting you to visit either. I would miss my DH terribly if we were living in seperate states and would want him to visit as much as possible. I wish you luck with this stepdad in whatever decision you make but I agree with the other ladies that you need some legal advice and fast.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
protect yourself
protect yourself...ask her how SHE would feel if the tables were turned.
Get an attorney NOW
Your wife is leading you on. Trust your gut--heck, trust the FACTS--and decide if she's really worth it. I can't imagine a woman treating her marriage so casually. She is telling you loud and clear that her EX and her kids are more important than YOU. You deserve a better woman!
I agree with the other wise voices here that you should seek legal advice immediately. Start protecting yourself and your assets NOW. Let the ungrateful woman have her EX and her kids and live happily every after. She's telling you through her actions that this is what she wants.
Bail out while your pride and dignity are still intact! Don't get chewed up and spit out by this woman--life is just too short.
I would pay them a little surprise visit
and see for yourself what is going on. I think you should prepare yourself emotionally and financially for a split. You don't know yet but you can start thinking that way just in case, to make it easier if it comes.
She is twisting this around to blame you, when she is obviously playing both ends against the middle. The kids obviously do not see what their BD is about or you either - so if there is something weird going on, let them all have each other!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
A little more info
I haven't contacted my lawyer yet but would like to share the latest round of emails. (She is not Talking on the phone right now)
HER
Please be more specific on limitations you would like to see so I better understand what I am being asked to do. xxxx needs to see the boys and they live with me. So, he will be around, even if he does not stay with us when in town. If that is what you find objectionable, I can tell him to stay at a motel. The boys will save their allowances to pay for him to come and visit so the only thing that will accomplish is that it will be more sacrifice for the boys because they will do all that they can to spend time with him. xxxx will be a hero with them no matter what you or I do. You need to get used to him being a part of my life for us to have a successful partnership. When the boys get old enough to understand the situation as SD1 and SD2 have, they will hopefully have better insight into what has been happening over the years, but I wouldn't count on it.
I think you are under the impression that he is here all the time when you are not. They boys have had him here about 4 times total in the 6 months we have been here. He was here this past weekend because of Aubrey and Price coming down. It was a surprise to me on both counts. I didn't even know he was coming until Wednesday. Most often, he will see the boys in Austin as they did the last weekend you were here.
I cannot figure out why you consistently assume the worst of me. I honestly wonder if you just think of me as your sexual partner but do not know me at all outside of that relationship. Your trust issue is my biggest bone to pick with you. I will tell you this. Regardless of what you do, xxxx and I will never be together as a couple. That would be a disaster, and all of my kids know that much better than you do (except perhaps SS2 who lives in a fantasy world). So, I will be with you or I will be alone with the boys.
and my REPLY
To be more specific, I mean no more over night visits. And the boys do not have to sacrifice if their DAD would work. They need to understand that. If the Kids as a group take it upon themselves to enable the bum so be it. It will do them nor him any favors. Tell me why a grown able bodied man cannot work? Maybe I can better understand the situation then. And if he wants to come see his kids he should get a room or else they can go to visit him at His House or apartment.......
I Love you and want to be with you but I do not trust xxxx staying with you. Especially when I find you have been hiding that fact from me and making me feel like I have to have an appointment to come down and he has Carte Blanc to the place. That is too wierd for me to even try and understand.
How else should I feel? You have not put yourself in my shoes at all. I think I should be given some consideration here too.
and finally, her response.....
If you feel that strongly about it, I will comply. Not because I agree with you, your motivation or suspicions, but because I am your wife and will respect your wishes. You are demanding that I understand you when I feel I have received very little understanding from you in return. Certainly there has been no trust or benefit of the doubt from you, which I feel I deserve as part of our marriage commitments. I demand so very little of you except your love and trust; - 50% of that you cannot give, which is incidentally no fault of mine.
I have hid nothing from you. You have known about every single visit from xxxx because you feel the need to interrogate me about things that I think are unimportant. I was not proactive with the information because it was obvious it upset you. You are filled with hatred and mistrust toward others that is poisoning your mind and making you behave irrationally. Your words are like daggers to my heart from which I cannot recover.
xxxx does not have Carte Blanc to come down and I want your visits here to be ones where we can spend time together. If you want to look for darker motivations and actions in my treatment of you, there is nothing I can do about that to change your mind.
I fear this situation has done irreparable damage to our marriage and I think we'll need longer term separation and counseling to make this work. My heart feels raw.
_____________________________________________________________________
In closing
I am still waiting to talk to her live. She makes me feel like I am to blame when all I have done is sat on the sidelines and watched this happen because of the situation of Me being 300 miles away and he able to go there anytime because he does not work.
Tough
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think that being in a long distance relationship is difficult already & separation is not the answer here... it seems to be the problem. I think that going to counseling is a marvelous idea... that way you can discuss this with an objective 3rd party. I think emailing each other is good also, because you can actually say what you need to. As far as separation, maybe what you both need is time together without focusing on your problems. Set them aside & don't let them control you, you control your problems (BTW - that 'you' is plural.) That way you might be able to strengthen the bond that the separation has weakened... but it's going to take both of you to do it.
As far as the exH... he has a right to see his kids but those children shouldn't have to pay his way.
Update
I start my new job on Monday 3/3 and train here for a week then I move South to be with my Wife an Stepsons. We are talking again and working together to complete this move. I feel like I have to give this a try and see where it goes. I think we both will have a better attitude after I get relocated. This has been a crazy and difficult 7 months........... Blended families are the most difficult animal to deal with on earth. Throw in a problem EX and it gets worse.
Good luck to you
Hope it works out! I am assuming that means he will not be there of course, have to nip that-!!
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil