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everyday i discover a little more about what i want

startingover2010's picture

and what i want is a semi-normal life.

i choose semi-normal because nothing is really 'normal' and what is normal anyway?

my bf is a lazy bum who watches too much tv and is sex-crazed cause he has nothing else to do. he is mean and nasty, he digs deep with his insults, and he is very immature.

i want a man who will be my 'partner', a man who i can have a meaningful intellegent convo with, a man who isnt always asking me 'wanna fuck?' or 'so can i do you in the butt tonight?' or 'you wanna smell me?' i want a man who doesnt cry (for real) if we are behind on bills and he fears we will be evicted. i want a man who i can count on, a man who will put me ahead of himself sometimes and a man who has good hygene.

at first bf was all that. but once he got comfy with me, his real self started coming through. and the last 5yrs he has spiraled down to the 'man' he is today---someone i cant stand.

my best friend is engaged to a man who is everything i want. i am not attracted to him though. and i would NEVER go after him. i am just jealous.

i cannot wait until i gain the strength to leave here. right now i am stuck but doing what i can to stay afloat.

sometimes i wish bf would leave ME, cause i would not fight it. i would accept it and move on.

sometimes i wish that he'd let sd11 live with someone else, then maybe he and i could work on 'us'.

sometimes i wish i could go back in time and see the red flags and run.

oh well. the only good thing from he and i being together is bd3. she's the best--and only--gift i have received from bf. i need nothing else but her.

Conflicted's picture

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time and I'm sorry that everyone is spending their time right now clawing one another on another post instead of offering advice to you....

You are right that you deserve a "partner".... you deserve to have a man like your friend's fiance and you will find him.... just as soon as you dump the looser you're with right now! LOL. I'm glad that you recognize that you CAN do better than this....

amyj's picture

Sorry to hear ur having a bad time

bearcub25's picture

Sometimes you can't wait. You just have to go for it. If you wait there will always be an excuse or reason to stay until your kid is older and you feel you should stay for the kid(s).

I stayed in a marriage that I was miserable in. I was emotionally abused or controlled, I can see my BS acts the same way to his wife. I apologized to my kids for staying and making them grow up with someone like him.

My DH died of cancer. Sadly that is the most free I had felt in my life. I so regret almost half of my marriage.

there are no do-overs....you just have to make a decision and go for it.