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Ending a relationship because of a step?

Loveydovey52's picture

I am really struggling to find any sort of resolution between the relationship that has been between me and my stepson. We are a blended family going on almost 5 years of bio son Diablo bio daughter (3) and Sson (5) and (7). Of course, the middle child for whatever reason is always the struggle. It was decided that we all be under the same room at the beginning of this school year and while DH is the one at work always, it is me who is doing basically everything else. While we have overcame miles of equality and understanding betwixt our relationship, I still find myself unable to find acceptance of the middle child. 

His temperament is nothing like the others. He is always angry,pitching fits,screaming, throwing things, kicking me, or any of his siblings. He is very jealous of his little sister and I am afraid for them to be alone at any point because of the things I fear him doing to her. I have caught him in her face with his hands on her, screaming, pushing her down, taking her things and I could go on and on. Not only that but there is always an argumentative tone. If the attention doesn't seem to be on him, oh it will be and it makes no difference to him if it is negative or not. He is already conjuring up a nasty habit of lying about things. it just consumes EVERYTHING. I don't feel it is fair to any of the other siblings to have to go through such bullshit of this child who acts out. 

I know what you're wondering... do you spend time? Have you tried bonding? What about bonding with dad? Etc.... yes. I've tried it all. Trying to be extra sweet. Trying to spend extra time. Trying to make him feel special. Trying to talk about feelings. Letting him know I love him and care etc. He does not care, AT ALL. He continues with a nasty attitude. He is just always ready to do some vindictive shit towards whoever when he thinks no one is watching. If I am putting him in time out he argues with me, even when I refuse to speak back to him he continues on spewing ugly shit. DH does not approve but he isn't in the home from 5-5 so basically he gets alway with it until he gets home and gets punishment from dad. Oh and the hilarious part is how perfect he tries to seem in the presence of dad. And so now I just look like a crazy lady lol mean ass step mom. It's like a light switch of when he knows his dad is around to try and be perfect. Just as he takes the chance to be ugly in private, he is just as quick to put on a show of how "sweet he is to his sister". He's not fooling me. I'm sick of the acts. I get the brundt of alllllll the bullshit. His mom is a weekend mom who never even really spends time with them but makes it out like she's mom of the year. I am just over me having some obligation to feel sorry for him when I have done nothing but extend every gesture of building a healthy relationship to arrive at the same outcomes. 

I have just had it, I feel like just leaving even though our relationship is great. The other kids are great and play well together. There have been many talks and talks and talks. Punishment after punishment. I have expressed my concerns over and over. It is a bit ridiculous to think about leaving this relationship. Any tips and tricks on this would be greatly appreciated. 

thanks for reading

Dogmom1321's picture

"It was decided everyone would be under the same roof"

Um, by WHO? Even if you did agree with this at first, no one knew the pandemic would last as long as it did. DH needs to be understanding that you need to revisit the situation. DH needs to handle the caretaking of SKs. Has he attempted to get them a nanny/tutor? Is he looking into signing SKs up for a learning pod during the day? You have a toddler. You should NOT be responsible for SKs schooling. 

tog redux's picture

So he decided to have them there and you have to care for them? Nope.

I agree with the posters above:

1. Cameras

2. Daycare/school if possible.

Delilah's picture

Agree to the cameras and daycare. if dad thinks he is an angel and refuses to listen and believe you, then whenever dad is home he gets his son 24/7. I would strongly advocate that you document dates, times and behaviour of ss esp towards your kid(s) including brief details of what things you have tried.

Rags's picture

By kid count, who is the middle child?  You have two, he has two.  There are two who are the oldest and two who are the youngest. None in the middle.

Have you tried zero tolerance for the behavioral crap and aggressive application of escalating consequences when the toxic kid pulls h is crap?

Hugging through it rarely if ever works.  Lighting up a crappy kid's ass with a belt... that makes a point and often works wonders in eleminating shitty kid behavior.

As for ending a relationship over a kid, that actually never happens. What ends a relationship is the parental failures of a shitty parent who also fails their mate.

IMHO of course.

Kaia_roberts's picture

In the same situation with my 9 year old stepson (except that he isn't violent). Every single person who have known about the issues I have with him told me that he seemed like a narcissist. Cannot wait to get him diagnosed. 

Rags's picture

Diagnosed or not, if your DH refuses to parent effectively, it won't matter.

Why people choose to be ill behaved really does not matter. That they make that choice is what matters.  Applying consequences that change their choices and end the crap matters.

Regardless of what syndrome of the month excuse may be Dx'd, their choices are what have to be effectively confronted.

IMHO of course.