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ELECTRONICS!!!! need advice

stepmomsoon's picture

Both my skids got iPads and phones for Christmas..

My biodaughter has a kids tablet as well (it has parental controls pre loaded on it, time limits and I have the password to it). She has a cell phone as well.

Well, here is the issue: all 3 kids leave their phones laying around and we, as the parents, have the right to pick them up and look at text message and phone logs..

The skids text logs are always blank.. always.. which is BS. I see them texting and one of their plans is on my account.. there is a ton of texting going on - which is fine. However, I do not agree that they should just delete all their text messages.. what is in those text's that they need to delete them constantly and have no records of them? To me this seems sneaky.

Second issue - the iPads. They have passwords on them and I sure as hell don't know them and I'm not sure DH does either (they were gifts from BM).. I'm also pretty damn sure there are no filters or controls on them either to limit what they can look at on them. (BM doesn't parent, so she wouldn't put restrictions or filters on them).

They are on these things constantly - I'd say 4 hours a day at least (and that's only when they are kicked off the PS3 after 2 hours of play per day on that).. They even have the damn things on their laps when they watch TV..

I do not think it is a good idea for them to have free rein on the iPads.. I just don't. Sure, they have games on them. And music. But the internet.. no one monitors it and they can just take the iPad up to their rooms or in another room and search whatever.. They are 12 and 14 and lord knows what they are looking up..

They also take them up to bed every night "to read" at bedtime.. yea right. Doubt that. They are addicted to games.. do you think given the chance to play more they would opt to read a book instead? Nope.

So, what do I do? How do I approach this? I would like some guidelines.. rules, clear cut (or at least close to clear cut) boundaries on these things..

Ideas?

stepmomsoon's picture

12 & 14

stepmomsoon's picture

12 & 14

stepmomsoon's picture

They do that too.. and hide candy bar wrappers in the couch coushins.

Have you ever heard that parents need to monitor the internet use in the household for the kids safety?

Plus, they are on the things all day.. social skills? physical activity? I mean, come on.. this is not good for your body or social development.

stepmomsoon's picture

their BM doesn't call the shots in my house.. me and DH do

So, you mean to tell me I have no say in what goes on with the skids in my house? A house that I share with them, my daughter and my DH..?

Oh hell no. I am an active particpant and decision maker in my home.. not a spectator.

stormabruin's picture

How has them deleting their text messages affect your home?

I don't say this to be mean, but it really sounds like you're just pushing to find a way to control something in your house that isn't yours to control.

The need to control will drive a person crazy!

stepmomsoon's picture

Because it is just another example of them being sneaky and manipulative.

Why delete when you have nothing to hide?

stormabruin's picture

You're creating a situation to be bothered by. YOU are the one making an issue because you have a need to control something that isn't yours to control.

Certainly you have a right to make rules in your home. Does doing everything you have "the right" to do make it best? Absolutely not.

We have the power to avoid a lot of crap in our lives if we just stop looking for it.

stepmomsoon's picture

Not really.

I can't control being able to see what content the people in my house are sending, recieving, viewing? Really? If you ask any expert on this topic they will strongly disagree..

Take for example the 14 year old girl that was texting a guy she met online.. then went to meet up with and was never seen again.. Hmmm, bet her parents wished they monitored her cell phone and internet, huh?

Sure, it's not going to prevent these things from happening.. but it sure as hell will help us be informed should they start taking a turn in the wrong direction.

It is our job to PARENT.

stepmomsoon's picture

I bought him the phone. BM bought him the ipad.

Sorry, but I disagree with you. My DH can, and has looked at my daughters phone.. not an issue. He doesn't give a crap if I look at the skids phones either.

WE parent together, got it? I didn't post this to have you tell me I am not a parent. If that's how it is in your house.. fine. Not in mine, honey.

I do have the right to have input on every damn thing in my house. phones, ipads, etc.

If I am good enough to run them to practice, help with homework, cook, clean, buy groceries, spend my paycheck on their needs as well as everyone else's in the house, do laundry for, pick up after, pack lunches, take them to the doctor when they are sick, stay home and hold a bucket for them to puke in, yadda yadda, yadda.. then I have every right to parent them.. they take advantage of the "parental benefits".. and I can take advantage of my portion of the "parenting."

stepmomsoon's picture

Why we didn't discuss this when the phone was purchsed is simple "we decided to wait and see how it played out.".. We - not I. The only restriction we put on it was no internet/data plan - too expensive.

This has absolutely nothing to do with my smom as a child. Nothing. Those issues are nothing like what is going on here.

I wouldn't care if my daughters SM or biodad was looking through her phone - at least she cares enough to parent.. and if she found something that concerned her and spoke up, we would address it. Not a big deal.

I am not taking control of anything. Nope. It's called being aware and monitoring.. DH is doing it and so am I.

How am I harming these kids? How am I taking over and putting restrictions on their phone? Oh, 3am text messages when you are 12 years old from your drunk ass 1/2 sister who has been busted for sending her other brother texts that say "tell dad to STFU" (shut the fuck up)? I'm sooooo sorry I violated your rights.. give me a damn break..

stormabruin's picture

"Oh, 3am text messages when you are 12 years old from your drunk ass 1/2 sister who has been busted for sending her other brother texts that say "tell dad to STFU" (shut the fuck up)? I'm sooooo sorry I violated your rights.. give me a damn break.."
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Those are dad's rights to violate.

The fact that YOU took it upon yourself to get involved instead of handing it to their parent to handle is exactly how you took over.

stepmomsoon's picture

again, I repeat, did I ever say I was the only one doing all the parenting on this..?

As a matter of fact, I asked for advice on how to handle it (the situation) not my relationship - which is amazing, BTW..

The fact that you disagree with my right to information is irrelevant to what you are arguing - which is my role as a step parent.. DH and I have a right to access any electronic device in our home as we see fit. Never said it was just me, but since I came on here asking for advice, as a step mom, for my family, you felt the need to roast me about my relationship.. WTF?

stormabruin's picture

LOL! Where was your relationship mentioned? All I see being discussed is parenting.

stepmomsoon's picture

Did I say it was me that discovered the STFU text.. ooohhh noooo, DH did, when he looked at sk14's phone. I became involved when DH asked "what the hell is STFU?"

Don't rush to accuse.. only told you about the situation and you took it upon yourself to assume it was I who discovered it..

stepmomsoon's picture

Not playing any game..

The "I'm so sorry I violated your rights" was a blanket statement to pretty much poke fun at the fact that some people on here seem to think it is a violation of the kids rights when you want to monitor them.

sorry if you can't take sarcasm - not my problem

stormabruin's picture

" I'm sooooo sorry I violated your rights.. give me a damn break.."
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Well yeah, you kinda did. *I'm* soooo sorry *I* violated your rights...give *me* a damn break..

Doesn't that go along with your argument with the whole *I* am writing this thing, when you failed to make it clear that you were meaning *we*?

Twist away!!!

stepmomsoon's picture

It's only "unclear" to certain people who have taken and twisted this into an arguement about something the OP did not pertain to.

sandy1234's picture

Wow lol Ignorant comment. I bet you have no control in your home so you are just trying to cope with it. Feel sorry for you.

stormabruin's picture

I don't think the experts would disagree. I think the experts would tell your DH to pull his head out of his ass & start showing some concern for what his children are doing online. I think they would fill him in on the large numbers of children who find themselves in trouble & missing because their parents fail to be aware. I also think they would give him a verbal lashing for creating a situation where his wife felt the need to step in & parent his children because he was too lazy to do so.

I'm certain the girls parents wished they'd monitored her phone & internet. Perhaps the day will come when your DH & BM wish they would've taken more interest in monitoring his kids phones & internet.

How well would you handle a situation where your DD went to see her dad & SM was nosing into your child's phone anytime she wanted to read any conversations you were having with your daughter? How would you feel about SM being the one to determine what was or was not appropriate usage for your child?

Would you not take it better if it were your child's father making those decisions?

stepmomsoon's picture

DD and SM can look at her phone.. I'm not on it bashing anyone or saying things that I don't want them to read.

I never said DH was suffering from head in the ass syndrome.. he sees the issue, but is, as I am, not sure the best way to go about it..

And for the love of god, I don't pick up the phone multiple times a day or even a week for that matter.. it is rare that I do, but it shouldn't be cleared out when either DH or I do.

Just as the "history" on the internet shouldn't be either.

stepmomsoon's picture

I'm not saying I'm the only one who wants to get a handle on it.. DH does as well..

wanting advice on guidelines..

stepmomsoon's picture

Wrong.

How am I supposed to have respect when I have zero authority or parental rights?

So, by your logic.. I only get 1/2 the respect that DH does because I am only a step parent.

stormabruin's picture

Authority doesn't get you respect. You make this out like it's some kind of competition.

You think clomping around in mommy shoes is going to get it for you? LOL!

RedWingsFan's picture

Ok, this is what we came up with for SD14 when her phone/laptop usage was getting out of hand:

1. No cell phone or laptop in your room with the door shut or after bedtime. Period. Dot.

2. No passwords/locks on cell phone or laptop ever. Period. Dot.

3. No deleting of text messages on cell phone or browser history on laptop. Period. Dot.

4. No texting at the dinner table. Period. Dot.

5. Any password on any website (like FB, Tumblr, MySpace, etc) will be provided to dad. Period. Dot.

If any rule above was broken, she lost both her cell phone and laptop usage for the week.

You know these rules may not go over well in your home with your skids, but when DH discovered nasty texts SD was sending to her boyfriend on HIS cell phone when hers was broken, he decided to step it up a notch and put some rules in place. Of course, BM doesn't have ANY rules at all at her home, but at our place, that's what the deal was.

Now, both of us enforced these rules. If it was bedtime and say DH was in the shower and SD14 was on her phone, I told her to politely end her call, place the phone on the counter and get ready for bed. I didn't wait for DH to be available. It was OUR home, OUR rules and WE implemented them. With punishments, I usually just let DH handle that for the most part. If I had to correct her and take her phone and computer, I would, but that only happened once.

Good luck!

dragonfly5's picture

Your joking right? You are going to actually claim to be a parent because you are a "step parent".

You are not the parent. They have parents. Once again let me repeat, you are not the parent, and if you are smart you will not want to be.

Ask the people on this site, that live in the gray area, where they are acting as the parent because their bio parent is dead or walked out on them. These people can call themselves the parent if they choose to. They do the work, they are up at night, they sacrifice, they do not get a break because they are acting in a manner that a bio parent would. These are the people on this site that I take my hat off too and hold at a high place of respect. That is a hard job, and a mostly unthankful position to be in.

You are not their parent. You are making things worse for everyone. Including the person you are married to.

You and your FDH need to agree on what is acceptable electronic policy would be, and then he needs to enforce it.

We have no electronics at dinner, or when an adult is speaking to you, and no electronics on in church. Week nights 9pm. Weekends we don't really care.
Their dad, the parent, has all passwords and enforces the rules. Yes, if he ran to the store or was not here I would remind them of the rule if I needed to.

And by the way we do not have to collect them or take them. They know the rules and they follow them. One time FSS15 had his phone at the table, my FDH said you know the rule give me your phone, and he did. He was not happy but he knows who his parent is and that he means what he says.

You will only cause resentment for the skids and your DH if you continue acting as the parent. Electronics will end up being the least of your worries.

stepmomsoon's picture

dh and I are a unit.. not his or hers.. that shit doesn't fly in this house.

I am looking for ideas on how to handle this with him.. not without

stepmomsoon's picture

Uh - no..

He parents just fine most of the time. He is human. Sometimes he gets blinded, sometimes he gets flat out manipulated, sometimes he is right and I am wrong and vice versa.

It's life.. not perfect, but we make it work pretty damn well.

stepmomsoon's picture

Never said I was the only one making the decisions.. only looking for ideas on how to best manage this.. DH would never be left out of parental decisions.. and vice versa

stormabruin's picture

Got to = privilege

That sounds more like a nosy attitude than concerned.

stormabruin's picture

"(BM doesn't parent, so she wouldn't put restrictions or filters on them)"
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1) The way you present your situation, your DH hasn't put restrictions or filters on them either, so it isn't just BM who isn't parenting.

2) It's up to you to monitor your child & her things. It's up to your DH to monitor his children & their things. If you stop prying in their things, them deleting their text messages doesn't have to affect you. It's affecting you because of a choice YOU make when you pry & don't find what you want to find. Focus on your kid & what she's doing rather than his kids & what you think they may or may not be doing & needing to control it.

3) I suggest you talk to your DH about his lack of parenting if it's an issue for you. Tell him your expectations & find out whether or not he's willing to follow through. If he isn't willing to make rules & enforce them & you don't want to support that on your dime, cut them off. He can set up his own account & pay for their unsupervised phones.

stepmomsoon's picture

Exactly.. that is why it is up to DH and I to do this. DH has noticed it and we are trying to come up with a fair way to put limits on this.

I wasn't prying into anything.. last week I came home from the grocery store and SK12's phone was out, but he was GONE. He got 4 texts back to back and I picked it up - it is well within my parental rights to do this. Obviously there was a conversation that the person was responding to.. but all his texts were gone minus the new ones.

This has happened several times with both skids. They have a nasty, bad influence of a half sister that hates DH and I and sends them shittys texts as well.. show up on the bill, but are never on phone either.

This isn't just my issue.. DH has a problem with it as well, However, being a DH, he struggles sometimes with setting rules and boundaries.. something mothers are better at for the most part.

I'm looking for advice on what the guidelines on these devices should be.

stormabruin's picture

Being a DH doesn't make him less capable of setting rules & boundaries. It has nothing to do with mothers vs fathers.

Parents who don't set boundaries & enforce rules are lazy parents, & making excuses (like "something mothers are better at") just enables that.

Parental rights belong to the parents. I realize you are a stepPARENT. I realize that it's your home. I realize that you & your DH are a team. However, you are not the mother or the father of your stepkids. Parental rights do not belong to you. Head of household belongs to you. Adult in the home belongs to you. Parental rights do not belong to you in reference to your stepkids.

If you stop trying to look at their text messages, you won't know that they're being deleted & it won't be a bother. You don't know what verbal conversations they have with people. Why the need to know their texted conversations?

stepmomsoon's picture

Am I saying I am the only one to make the decision?

I am saying "We" make the decisions and am looking for advice on the guidelines to put in place.

Not making excuses for my DH.. just saying that some of us are stronger in some areas than others and that's ok.

And, again, we as the adults, have every right to see what our kids are doing, who they are texting and what is going on in their lives. When you see 100's of text messages on your phone bill and zero on the phone itself you have every right to question it.

In this day and age you have to do this, not just for your peace of mind as a parent, but for your child's safety.

stepmomsoon's picture

Am I saying I am the only one to make the decision?

I am saying "We" make the decisions and am looking for advice on the guidelines to put in place.

Not making excuses for my DH.. just saying that some of us are stronger in some areas than others and that's ok.

And, again, we as the adults, have every right to see what our kids are doing, who they are texting and what is going on in their lives. When you see 100's of text messages on your phone bill and zero on the phone itself you have every right to question it.

In this day and age you have to do this, not just for your peace of mind as a parent, but for your child's safety.

stepmomsoon's picture

"Be what you are - support for your husband. You are his wife. You not the mother of these children and they do not need or want a de facto mother at their father's house. It's crucial that their father parent them, especially, even more especially so, if their mother is not adequately parenting them"

Wait a second.. I never said I was the mother and this isn't just "their father's house" - that would make me and my daughter guests.. we are not guests.

Their father is parenting them, but "we" need help.. We are discussing the issue.. he tells them how it is, not me.

Lola383's picture

Tell the kids the electronics given to them by BM need to stay at BM's house. You can't control what goes on there, but you can in your own house. If your gut tells you they are up to no good on the ipads..then they need to leave them at BM's.

Do you have reason to believe that the txts are no good? Maybe they just don't want you reading their personal conversations? That would be like listening in on a phone call. I don't think I'd tell them I'm going to read through their messages, but I would require at bedtime they must leave their phones out and not take them to bed.

hismineandours's picture

She could always give the skids a choice. You give me your passwords and agree to the same rule that op's kid has with electronics then you keep them. If you prefer not to, then fine, ipads stay at bm's.

hismineandours's picture

So stepkids dont have to give up passwords, but op's kid does? Also great "solution". How is that remotely fair?

stepmomsoon's picture

Yes, I do.

They don't know we have looked at their phones

And there is also instances of their nasty hateful half sister texting the 12y/o at 245am, 315am, 145am, etc. and him replying on multiple occasions.. now, wtf was that about? Not one word spoken of it.. but we saw it on the bill.

stepmomsoon's picture

sk12 started deleting them the day we gave the thing to him.. his brother called it out when he used his phone to make a call.

BSgoinon's picture

From what I gather, she is working with DH on this. She came here for some ideas that SHE and DH can dicuss and implement.

Since when did it become a crime to ask for advice? Sheesh **SMDH**

OP, I agree on setting a specific time that the devices are to be off. If they don't turn them off on their own, turn off the wifi.

hismineandours's picture

I am amazed at how some of you think this is none of her business. What if these kids are looking at porn. Is her name on the house? Could she, in any way be implicated for child porn in her home? My guess is that she certainly could be. So yes, this issue affects her. Perhaps they are sending nudie pics of themselves to others. Again, if this is occurring in her home it does affect her.

Last year when my ss moved in with us-I put the same restricitons on him as I did my other kids. Passwords need to be given over if you want to use the computer. He didnt feel like he should have to do that. Fine, I didnt care. it just means you dont use the computer unsupervised. As it was, dh was supervising him one night, got up to take a phone call, when he came back 5 minutes later ss was looking at porn. So he lost the privilege of any internet rights at home. Was that my business? Of course it was.

Adults in their own home should be able to set household rules for anyone in their home. Really has nothing to do with parent or stepparent. If I let my niece move in with us or stay with us every other weekend and she was using electronics frequently I would certainly put the same rules in place for her as I do for my own children. I wouldnt say, oh, well, I cant do that only her parents can. That's BS!

stormabruin's picture

YES!

stepmomsoon's picture

he isn't the best at setting boundaries.. but we work together. He's a dad and can sometimes be a bit too disney.. so what? there have been many times when I have mentioned something to him and a light bulb has gone off.

He agrees something needs to be done on this topic.. but how and what is where it stands.

BM does not parent.. I can name 100's of examples, but I'm not going there.

stepmomsoon's picture

Thank you..

Oh, and did I mention that SK12 was busted looking at porn at his moms over the summer..? Uh-yea, and I don't have a right to voice an opinion becuase I am a lowly step mom.

hismineandours's picture

It wasnt worth me risking my mental health and my kids safety to let this kid run around doing whatever he wanted in MY house and around MY children. I do not care if any of my rules had any long term effect on ss. It matters not at all to me. He's buckass wild at grandma's house because she sets no rules or boundaries for him. Although he was a major pain in the ass at MY house, he was not buckass wild. He wasnt suspended from school, failing every class, smoking weed, or looking at porn minus the one time. I dont want those sorts of things in my house and I am going to stop ANYONE who I think might be trying to do it in my home. Ultimately in my case, the way to prevent ss from doing any of that crap in my house was to get him the heck out of here. My problem is now solved. Had I let him do what he wanted he'd probably be happy as a clam being buckass wild right now in my house.

The issue we had with the computer was easy. My dh backed me up and agreed 100%. He already knew what the other kids rules were and had every expectation that ss would have the same rules. I was treating the kid fairly and appropriately. I dont particularly care if ss liked it or it prevented bonding between us or any other nonsense as that ship had sailed long ago. I just was trying to run my household in what I thought was an appropriate manner.

The point I am making is that the op has the right to set whatever rules she likes in her home. Let's say she doesnt want anyone smoking in her home. If her skids decide to smoke should she not say anything because she did not birth them? What if they want to smoke some weed in the living room? That should be cool too, right because it's really dh's call whether weed is ok or not. It is appropriate to set house rules. It is ok. I dont see her saying that her dh thinks the kids should have unlimited access to their devices, in fact she is saying that he does NOT think that they should, but they are still in the discussing phases of this issue and she is coming here looking for ideas of what would be fair and appropriate.

I agree with the other poster who said that noone in my home has any privacy. I have always felt that way-it extends to my own bios, skid, anybody under 18. If i think one of my kids friends is doing something in my living room that I dont want them doing in my house I dont have a problem letting them know it's not allowed. If they dont like it they can hit the road-I dont care if their parents agree with it or not-my house, my rules.

hismineandours's picture

I really think the goal of any family, including blended ones, would be to support a harmonious household. To create a family unit. Not several separate families under one roof. I know that is what many end up with and some even make it work, but I dont in anyway think that anyone thinks this is the ideal. The ideal would be that all parts of the family would function as a whole or unit. I know some have given up on this as a goal-but for those of you that are still working toward it-you cant have separate rules for the visiting skids vs resident bios. You need to have household rules.

Dad cannot parent his kids in a vaccuum, and have that not effect the stepmom or other kids in the home. To think this is reasonable, and actually a good thing, is ridiculous. Likewise, a bio mom can't parent her own kids in any way she likes and think it has nothing to do with her husband and his visiting or resident children. The adults in the home need to be on the same page and need to make decisions together for their household.

dragonfly5's picture

I think we can all agree that the step world is a tricky one. Stepmomsoon, you have hit a hot button for many of us.

A family unit must work together to be successful, step or otherwise. Agree with your DH on what is acceptable to you both. Then enforce it. In my lowly opinion, you have a family meeting. Their dad tells them the new rule, they you both see to it that the rules are followed in "your" home. And when I mean your I mean your family unit.

Like you we do not live separate. However FDH does 95% of the parenting in our house. He is on his A game in this area because of his counselling degree.

I also believe children should be checked on and the internet is a great resource but it also can expose our children to some very unhealthy thing. No child should have any device in your home that your DH doesn't have the passwords to.

I liked what one of the other posters said. Mom bought it for you so leave it at moms and use it there. This might be a solution also.

What ever it is, you and your DH need to spell it out together, I do believe in a united front.

stepmomsoon's picture

Oh wow.. no, I am not arguing my right to be the only one to parent.

I am arguing that I do have input on how things are handled in the home.. I never said I was the only one to make the decision.. not once. I never said I was the one going after the kids and enforecing anything.

I said, there are concerns.. concerns about free rein of the internet and messages being deleted on phones when we know there are 100's of texts out there.

As parents, my DH and I, have every right to view anything our kids have access too - not just to know what is going on in their worlds, but for their safety as well.

I didn't ask anyones opinion on my role, did I? Nope. I asked for advice on the situation with the Ipads and the missing messages.

sad2beasmom's picture

I read a news article about a mom that gave her son like an 18 point rule book on his i-phone and I loved it. Yes, their mom may have given them the device, but it's your house, your rules. They should have to follow the EXACT same rules as your BIO kids or else they are being treated better and that's not fair. I would give them a choice: Either you get the password and they stop deleting things, or leave the devices at their moms. Kids are entitled to some privacy, but not the same amount as an adult, and certainly not if their behavior is sneaky.

stepmomsoon's picture

There are lots of differences and you handle each situation on a case by case basis.

No, I would not treat my bio daughter the same as my skid because they are entirely different people.

If my daughter sent me a text that said my "stepmom is a bitch" she would get her ass handed to her. If I caught my ss sending his mom a text saying the same thing, I would tell Dh and he would hand the ss his ass as well.

I do have my skids best interests at heart.. why else would I be worried about them having free rein on the internet with all those wierdos out there preying on innocent children..

Some people on here seem to be of the impression I am out to get my skids.. nope, not at all.. I want them happy and safe..

notagain2012's picture

Snooping is a volatile issue I see.

As far as the kids being on the electronics all the time, pick ur battles. Set limits. I physically take xbox remotes with me. You cam always shut down the wi fi at bedtime. Change the password etc. It's a pain, but if it stresses and worries u, it might be worth it.

notagain2012's picture

What a nightmare that had to have been. Ewww. I'm not even wanting to get into the snooping issue. I'm just about as nosey as they come.... And shameless about it.

stepmomsoon's picture

Indeed.. and I bet the parents of kids who met strangers online and either vanished or were sexually assulted wish they did too.. or the parent of kids that overdosed on drugs or alcohol

Just yesterday.. in Indianapolis there was a news story about a sexual predator who befriended kids on FB (oh btw, both skids have fb accounts their mom secretly set up and we knew nothing about until a week ago.. still have yet to get those passwords too) anyways, this creep would friend these kids and somehow talk them into sending him pics of their privates in exchange for him sending them "sex videos of him".. well, these "sex videos" weren't of the creep at all and he would then tell these poor kids he tricked them and if they didn't send him more pics of themselves, he would post these pics online. It's called "sextortion".. there were several victims ranging in ages from 12 - 16.

Why didn't the kids come forth when this first happened..? fear of their parents taking away phones or internet. they were also ashamed and embarassed because of the nature of the issue.

So, now, I have people sitting here telling me that I am wrong for wanting to check the childrens phones and Ipads.. that I am wrong for looking for advice for my family.. that I want control and I am a bad person for it.

Well, yes, I want control.. because if I have control over my (and yes, I consider my step kids my children - I help raise them, support them and love them - when you marry a man with kids, you make a commitment to not just him, but his children as well) children then it will be all that much harder for some stranger with horrible intentions to come in and take over or hurt them.

Like I stated before, I am not the only parent in this relationship and my DH and I are on the same page regarding this topic. I use the word "I" because I am the one posting on here and I am the one defending myself against hateful morons who really have a twisted jaded view of how a step family should work.. go disengage and only love your kids and your man.. glad that works for you.. in my home, we don't operate like that..

sandy1234's picture

Have you talked to DH and asked his opinion?

Also, I have Verizon and on the "My Verizon" site that you can set up when you get your plan or any time after, you can see the phone numbers, times, length of calls, etc for each phone on the plan. Like if you want to see if one of them was up "last night" texting, you can see the time and the number for each text, whether there were pictures sent, and all of that. I dont know what your plan is but you should try for what ever service you have or call Customer Service and see what you can do to have access to that info.

Also, I would make it a requirement that you and DH have the passwords for their ipads or what ever if they have them at your house. That will be a rule if any of our children ever have something like that, or even a facebook. "I will have access or you will have no internet".

They are at the age where you SHOULD be worried. And so should DH. And BM, for that matter. Talk with DH and share how you feel and get his feelings on it as well. They should not have that kind of privacy and resources at that age. They need parental control, whether you take that meaning on their iPads or in real life. I mean it in real life. They are not old enough to have free reign on stuff like that.

Hope that helped!

stepmomsoon's picture

Yes, and he agrees with me. We just don't know how to approach it and what the guidelines should be..

Unfortunately, we don't have Verizon.. our carrier only lets you see the texts with regards to the number, date and time. I see all the texts flying back and forth on the bill, but we never see them on the phones.. For example, SK12 got in big trouble a few weeks back and was grounded from video games and sent to his room for a while.. well, during that time he sent 184 texts to his mom and sister (no doubt bashing DH and I and more than likely using foul language in the ones to his big sis).. Since his BM detests both DH and I, I'm sure she filled his head with all kinds of negative twisted crap as well (she does this in person with them all the time)..

Now, yes, this is a heck of a lot of assuming.. but is it truly assumptions when you are basing it off past patterns of behavior?

It's concerning to us when things like this happen. He's 12 and has some anger issues and adhd.. the last thing we need is BM and "Sistaaah" (as she is in his phone) undermining us in our own home and filling his head with all sorts of crap.

So yes, seeing those texts is pretty important.. for loads of reasons.

Regarding the iPads.. I am so happy to hear your opinion is that it should be monitored. We as parents have that responsibility.. and as step parents.

Thanks for your advice Smile

sandy1234's picture

I agree. And you are a parent-steparent or bio, you parent this child. No need to specify with "step". Only those who's husbands do not support them being parents in their home try to "make other SMs believe" they are not parents as well.

Assuming is not really bad in this situation, this is an issue that you ought to be worried about. As I said before, children at that age should not have free reign over their devices. You guys are the parents and have the right to set the rules over them. Don't worry about how you bring it up to them-they are kids. And either way, the rules need to change(if you guys think so). As far as seeing the texts, tell the kids, "Since you have abused the right to delete your messages by clearing them often like you have something to hide, you are no longer allowed to delete your text messages without letting one of us know. We are keeping a private log of each time you come to us asking to delete them, which is when we will also look at any message we want, log each person you are texting, the time frame for each person, etc. If we look on (what ever your source for seeing the actual time frame, numbers, etc. I think you said your bill?) and see that you have broken the rules, that there is a time or times where you have not shown us your texts/calls and instead, deleted them(whether it is before they show you their inbox before clearing it, or flat out do not show you their inbox before clearing it, without permission.) then **List harsh, lasting(as in, not a day long) punishment you and DH previously agreed on.** " STICK TO IT. If you can, to help logging, make copies if you can find a way, some phones you can "upload" info from. Maybe there is another way, I would Google it. Stick to keeping the logs and be as detailed as possible. Both of you. Wont work if you don't because you won't be able to catch him, because you wont have an accurate log.

I know what you mean about texting them in his room when he's mad. He should not have his phone when he is in trouble. Period. The teacher in my "Positive Parenting course"(which is great) talked with us parents on that topic last week and said exactly this for exactly the reason you said(and also because when the kid is in trouble, he should not have something like a cell phone. Makes it seem like he isnt really being fully punished. Like being able to watch TV in his room)

Lol I had a way too strict/too smart father. I now know all the ways to "catch" anyone. My husband gets no slack when I feel there is something I and I need to set whatever trap to be like "BAM! Proof that you are *insert here*." Followed by a thousand apologies, or defensive attitude and THEN a thousand apologies Wink

sandy1234's picture

Geeze..I read a couple of the comments some of these people left you and had to stop myself because I would be commenting the same thing over and over, in your defense. The way some people think....geeze..

Starla's picture

Parent or not, I would be wondering why they are deleting them messages and get their dads take on it then decide on how its going to get handled.

Is their dad aware that teenagers that age are often sexting?

jumanji's picture

I'm not going to get into the whole who's parenting when, why or how. It's an argument that most should simply agree to disagree about.

I think there is a difference between monitoring usage and "snooping". I had pwds and access to all of my kids' online activities, as well as cell phone records. And yes, they knew that I would occasionally check what they were up to. Emails and cell phones - I was more interested in whether they were contacting/being contacted by people I didn't know or had not heard about (yes, both had online friends who we didn't *know*, but they didn't hide their existence). Online? I looked at history, scanned their FB/MySpace/Tumblr pages. Again, more for those who we didn't know and might be steering my kids in an unsafe direction more than actual content.

Kids are going to use STFU online between themselves. Language isn't something I'm bothered about. Porn? I'm also not to bothered about, although it was something we talked about when I found it. Most kids (yes, girls, too) at some point explore porn. I did. I also found my parents' copy of Joy of Sex & similar and read them cover to cover (covertly) several times over. With my two, we talked about how those in the photos/videos were someone's sons/daughters, possibly someone's sisters/brothers. How often young people get involved due to the money, and find it is not as easy to stop being involved. That some of it is degrading, and some of it is not. But that all of it is staged and not representative of real life or real relationships.

In terms of email/texts? If they came from someone who was not a complete stranger? I didn't read them. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that I have the right to intrude on conversations between my kids and family members. Close friends? Nah. Even if there was bitching about me - not worth reading. We all need a place/way to vent.

Clearing history or texts? A lot would depend. I clear mine pretty regularly. Having too much in there slows down performance, so it's part of good "housekeeping". OP said that one kid has been clearing texts from the get-go. Easier (and faster) to do regularly, than waiting until you get that "Inbox Full" message.

The bigger issue *I* would have is the late night usage, if it is affecting the kid's ability to function the next day. If kiddo can't get up for school or necessary activities on the w/e? Then restrict usage after a certain time. If it doesn't? Don't. Personally, school would be a deal-breaker for me. Can't get up? No more phone, iPad, etc. after certain time until kiddo can show that they can control their usage. W/e's? Eh... WOuld depend on what was going on.

If OP's husband is okay with her monitoring the kids' online activities, then that is all there is to THAT discussion.

RainbowMom's picture

The electronics may have been a gift from the outside parent (parent not living in the home) but it's the responsibility of all parents (including step-parents) to monitor it's usage. It's a safety issue. Here's my suggestion:

Have a family meeting. Discuss your concerns about the overusage of technology and explain why it's unsafe. Listen to their comments and concerns, as they are valid, and remind them that electronics are privilages and not neccessities. You are obliged to have access in order for them to continue using their equipment, so all passwords must be deactivated in order for you to reactivate your own set of passwords. They will complain, and you can remind them what your role is as a parent and how important safety is to you.

The iPad has 2 security features: One is to access the iPad and the other is to access the restrictions. I would set both. You can also download timers (iGameTimer, $1.99) that allows a person a set limit of time. When time is up, the iPad shuts down and a password is needed to reactivate it. This feature is great because it takes away the power struggle between the parent and child. If the outside parent is NOT on board (or is untrustworthy), have the item stay at the outside parent's house.

RainbowMom's picture

Also, I think there is a way to forward text messages into your Outlook email account. That way, if they get deleted, you still have a copy of your own.

There's a difference between having privacy and keeping secrets. In my house, we do not keep secrets because it's not healthy IMO. I respect my son's privacy but if there's ever a reason for me to be concerned, I will check his personal items. It's our job as parents - particularly, in this internet world. There is such thing as too much information and when it comes to children, this thinking applies to them.

stepmomsoon's picture

*** UPDATE ***

For all of you "you are just a step mom, and not a parent" haters and for those of you who actually saw what I was asking for on here and actually gave me input on the situation.. (thanks, BTW, the advice really helped)..

Had a nice long talk with DH regarding the iPads: He did not have the passwords to either of them.. wasn't aware they had passwords. He was pretty pissed about that actually and wondered why they needed passwords as they are kids.. hmmm..

We discussed saftey and how it really isn't a great idea to let them have free rein on the iPads and how there are more than likely no parental settings that restrict content on them either since their bio mom gave them to the kids..

"WE" decided that "WE" need to have the passwords and also check their history from time to time.. and that there is no reason to clear the history. If the history is messing with the performance, then they can ask and we will clear it.. but they should not. If they aren't looking at things they shouldn't be looking at then there is no need to clear it.

Regarding the text messages, again "WE" discussed the reasons they would have for clearing them out.. all of them.. all of the time..

Of course it's probably because of some cuss words or bitching about this or that.. not a big deal. "WE" are more concerned with texts that would be a red flag for safety.. However, there are also the occasions where sk12 gets in trouble and has his phone in his room and we don't know about it.. and he's texting mommykins and bitching about us.. this is unacceptable. We wouldn't tolerate it if it was vice versa either.

Bottom lines..

For iPads: We requested the passwords. SK12 looks at us and says "why" in a shitty tone..(apparently even his mom doesn't have his).. DH (not me) replies "so we can see what you have on there and what you are doing. You will not have free rein to electronics in our house without giving me the password to it, understood?" SK12, says "Then what's the point of having a password?" (and gets pissed off)

STOP RIGHT THERE.. anyone else notice that response? How SK12 thought he could just do what ever the hell he wanted on his iPad and no one would ever know because it's HIS iPad with HIS password..? This is the same kid that deletes every text message on his phone..

DH and I both made a note of that.. his response to the password request plus the deleted texts show that there are things he is doing that aren't exactly on the up and up - so "WE" are going to keep an eye on it.

Plus, no more taking the iPads to bed with them to "read a book".. we both know this is nonsense and there is no book reading going on.. only games and whatever else. In fact, the internet is turned off at 9pm from now on (thank you for that advice, BTW)

"WE" will be able to look at iPads when we see fit. As parents (both BIO AND STEP) we have this right since they are using them in our home.. Again, it's not about snooping or trying to catch them at something (completely).. it's about keeping them safe and parenting.

Regarding the texts, DH and I decided to keep an eye on it.. we did let SK12 know (much to his surprise) that we can see who he is texting and when.. we didn't let on that we couldn't see the content (let him ponder that)...

stepmomsoon's picture

Yeappers.. I think so. We shall see how it goes. I think just letting sk12 know we aren't just allowing him to go all willy nilly as he pleases will help a ton. Smile

stepmomsoon's picture

Wow.. ok, someone have "carnation instant witch" for breakfast this AM?

apparently so.

not aiming for the best step mom award.. just trying for unity

sandy1234's picture

Oh I meant it literally. Being a great parent, both u and Dh, setting the boundaries and being firm.

pete1972's picture

Put the parental controls on your router. That way it affects the connection coming into your house and you don't have to change each device. You can set all sorts of things, like what sites they can visit, how long it's on for and between what times of the day... The other easier thing to do is buy one of those timers that you can plug your router into so it switches on and off at certain times. Doesn't give you any control over what they look at but it's easier for those who aren't technically minded Smile

stepmomsoon's picture

It's been stated.. but I get your point.. there is a lot of useless "chatter" on here that is not related to the issue..

Thanks for the advice - I totally agree with the no internet use behind closed doors rule..

Janna's picture

I had a similar problem with my ss. He has a celk phone that his bm bought him that he WAS bringing here, only problem was he was calking amd texting all hours of the night and waking up my bs that shares a room with him. I asked that my dh talk to his son about it, but that didnt help. We then talked to bm about it, which as well got us no where. Then I tried to call my ss on his cell ohone and found out that my number and his dads number were blocked from calling it! After that we made it perfectly clear that the cell phone had no place in our house, bm dud not like it, but this is not her house, it is ours and if he needs to use a phone we each have a cell that is avalible to him whenever he wants.

step off already's picture

Your house, your rules. If they don't let you monitor their iPads, they can check them at the door. Since they have empty text logs, then cancel their texting capabilities "since they don't use it anyway"

I have 3 Bios and one step ages 9-13. I used to be a middle school teacher before having my kids and I run the house and the kids with many of the techniques I learned from other teachers during the several years I taught.

Kids all know that phones and tablets get plugged in for recharging at 8 pm when we all retire to our rooms for the night. They also know that we reserve the right to monitor/read/etc. Passwords are not allowed on children's devices - at least not when I buy them.

stepmommy2's picture

BM gave skids cell phones when they were 10 and 8. The first time they brought them to our house DH laid down the rules. Only allowed to use them in the living room, never allowed in their room. And they could only use them for limited time during the day but I mean come on at that age do they even need a cell phone? Geesh. Anyways, now they are 13 and almost 12. They received new cell phones last summer, YSS never brings his but OSS does and he started deleting all his messages. DH told him he wasn't allowed to do that except with family members. We don't need to read texts from their mom, etc.

Now for OSS's birthday this year we got him a Kindle Fire. Before it was in his hands as a gift the parental controls were on and password protected with DH's password. Internet access was blocked. Those tablets are just mobile computers.

BM allowed skids to have Facebook accounts several years ago. DH's rule was that they could get on Facebook but they were not allowed to use the instant messaging that Facebook has.

You just have to have rules and stick by them. Skids don't even question the Facebook/cell phone thing now. Of course BM still does.....