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Don't touch my daddy

marmelaad's picture

Hi,

I am a very new stepmom for a 7 year old boy and an 8 year old girl. We have been living together for about six months, they are with us every other week. We just had our first vacations together. All in all, I am very happy to be with them and they treat me very well. We all try to take into consideration the feelings each one us might have. 

Some days my stepson seems to have some anxiety about my relationship with his dad and I don't know how to reassure him. For example, the last day of our vacation, unfortunately we had our cars window broken. I just once or twice slightly touched the elbow of my boyfriend to show him I was there to support him and later my stepson told me 'don't touch my daddy', in a kind of playful or teasing way, as sometimes he calls me "daddy's  stealer"... how would you respond ? it's really just from time to time, otherwise we get on well, do activities together, cuddle, he calls me stepmom and wants me to live with them. 

Thank you !

tog redux's picture

Your SO needs to address that - it's disrespectful and inappropriate behavior.  He can start by having a conversation with his son about how SS feels about having you around, let him know that you will be staying no matter how SS feels but that your SO will always love him and his sister, too - and then let him know he doesn't like those kinds of comments. Then next time he does it, he should have consequences.  Kids should be allowed to have their feelings, but not be disrespectful to adults.  Also, I hope your SO is still spending some alone time with his kids without you, that's important, too.

marmelaad's picture

thank you, I will talk about it with my SO next time it happens. the thing is, my stepson does it only when his father does not see him doing it, he knows very well his father would not tolerate this.
my stepchildren do have alone time with my SO, but maybe it has not been enough with the lockdown.. (my SO has been a single parent for five years). on weekdays I come home several hours later than them, and they have activities with their dad on Sunday mornings. this week they are all together and we try to planify weeks/weekends when they are together and I am with my family.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If SS waits until you are alone to say those things, i would try not to be alone with him. Maybe it will force him to say them in front of his dad or, even better, stop altogether.

tog redux's picture

Personally, I'd say something to him directly if he did that when we were alone. Why do you call me that? Does it feel like I'm trying to steal your dad?

Rags's picture

Confront it every time, whether you think that he is teasing or not.

Kids cannot be allowed to inferfere in adult relationships. Regardless of how youn or old those kids may be.

"I did not steal your daddy.  He is my boyfriend and I can touch him any time I want.  Got it?"

Rags's picture

Confront it every time, whether you think that he is teasing or not.

Kids cannot be allowed to inferfere in adult relationships. Regardless of how youn or old those kids may be.

"I did not steal your daddy.  He is my boyfriend and I can touch him any time I want.  Got it?"

Momof6WI's picture

Kids need to see how a healthy adult relationship works, affection is a part of that. I think jealousy is normal to a degree- especially when it comes to a non-bio parent stepping in, but I would definitely say something. Every time. 

Dave02Dad's picture

For a blended marriage/family to work, you must come first to your DH and vice versa.  This is a hard concept for some blended parents to comprehend.  You naturally want to put your kids first since you feel quilty about them having to go through a divorce.  But that willl not work.  The new spouses must always come first.  Having said, that, your DH needs to have a talk with his kids...with you present..and set the record straight.  They are very important, but so are you.  And you're here to help him raise them, not take him away from them.   Lucky they are still young, so getting the message across should work, although it may take repeating from time to time.  

Also have you spent any one on one time with the kids?  Let them see they are important to you and develop a friendship with them.  Will also go a  long way.