You are here

Don’t know what else to do!

Climbmountains91's picture

My partner has kids two kids with ex girlfriend and me and my partner have a 7 month old together. I also have a 6 year old from previous relationship. 
I feel the BM has made our lives a misery. 
she will not let me meet the kids as she uses my mental health as a weapon and says this could play a factor in her kids lives. I have explained that it plays no factor and had never ever affected my own kids and I manage it really well on a day to day basis. I've never done drugs, don't drink much apart from socially and that's not often, I've never been violent, my kids are well looked after. Her statement just makes me feel like a monster if I'm honest. 
she also says our relationship is not stable because we have been unstable in the past which was partly caused by her screen shotting my social media and putting things in my partners head and that's why things were bad between us. 
matter our daughter was born we realised how silly things got and give it another shot and now we couldn't be happier.

my partner has not been happy about her not letting him meet me so he went to a mediator as all she keeps saying is no. He told BM he had done this and she said we should meet up and discuss everything. We did and all she did was bring up my mental health and how until she sees that we are stable it is no but she will allow every other Sunday so the kids get alone time with daddy but they get to meet me also. We were very great full but then the problem now is Christmas. I have said it's more than fine with there plan to stay at mine until 4pm and then collect his kids to have them overnight at his to Boxing Day but he doesn't want this because he wants to be with me and our daughter. (We don't live together for finactual reasons at the moment) he has said this to her and come up with an alternative but she again is not happy. 
 

so now she is threatening 50/50 of the parenting and telling him to quit his job so he can do this (app she wants him to have them half of the year and her the other. I am now at the point where I am getting legal advice because I don't know what else to do as 50/50 will affect our daughter if this happens. I think she just said it out of anger and I don't think she will actually do it but I just have to protect myself and my girls to. 

she has also said she thinks the worst person to come out this situation will be me because of my mental health and she has screen shots to prove it  I told her that is fine if she wants to use them and there are no safe guarding issues regarding my kids, I have nothing to hide  she said the worst person to come out this situation would be me because of my mental health and I just thought, really? How do you know how I think or feel, you don't even know me. 
just recently she has a panic attack and had the ambulance out for three hours and a week later she faints in the school play ground because she wants the school to know how much stress she is under my partner is "causing" her with mediation. This was her words. 

she has a new partner & moved him in pretty quickly after kicking my partner out and pretty sure she cheated and the kids have called him daddy a few times. My partner had even daughter her new partner nearly saying "daddy" to the kids referring to himself which he isn't happy about. 
 

so now my partner and BM are just waiting for a joint mediation appointment to come through but I am at the point now where I feel I am coming between him and his kids and I never ever want to do that so I feel I must leave the situation but obv I don't want to because I love him but this is all so draining for me. 

tog redux's picture

Why is she able to control everything in this manner? I see you aren't in the U.S., but I imagine UK courts would not be in agreement with her refusing to allow the child to be around you for vague "mental health" reasons. This is just her way of controlling your partner and not letting him move on with you. Has he been to court?

Climbmountains91's picture

Because her "soliciter" said she is within her right to do so if she thinks I'm "unsafe" to be around the children and he has just let it happen for years. 
His solicitor and the mediator has told him that once he walks out her front door he has parental responsibility so therefore can see and do what he likes with the children (obv if it isn't dangerous) as she does. 
she said if she finds out that he had taken them to see me she will make him stay at her flat with the kids when he sees them. 
He's been to mediation and now he is just waiting for a joint app which she has agreed to attend and see where it goes from there. 
 

tog redux's picture

Why is he afraid to stand up for his rights? This is really just as much his fault for giving her so much power. 

Climbmountains91's picture

He's explained to her multiple times, as soon as he leaves her door it's up to him what he does with his time with them as she does (again unless it's not dangerous) but she's just not having any of it. She threatens she will use his past against him if it ever gets to court or that he will just have supervised visits (she basically threatens everything she can because one day it's that and then the next day it was 50/50). I think he is just really scared she will stop him completely tho she never has and that's why he went to a soliciter and mediation. 

tog redux's picture

He has to stop letting her control him this way. I would have zero patience with him. He needs to do as he likes and then take her to court if she withholds the kids. 

Climbmountains91's picture

I have told him this. I don't know if this is unreasonable on my part but I said if you don't sort this I'm out of here I'm not living like this for the hext 18 odd years or so and that's why he went to mediation. 
I get as a mother she wants stability for her kids I really do but legally so he has been told by legal people unless there is a court order she cannot do anything and if she does she is just coming between the time between the father and the kids which is unfair. 
honestly, they both need there heads banging together lol! 

tog redux's picture

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I think it's absurd that he's allowing this loony woman to pull his strings with her ridiculous orders and demands.

She's clearly hung up on keeping him from moving on and having a real family with you, and he's allowing it to happen.

Climbmountains91's picture

Exactly. I think it's just about power and control with her and I don't know why she can't just move on and be happy. 
the good thing now the dust has settled from the past few days they are meeting up again tomorrow to talk, I hope they can sort something I really do. 

STaround's picture

What is the custody arragnement now?  is she saying that she will demand he takes the kids more if he does not agree to what she wants?

Climbmountains91's picture

He sees them twice a week and has them once a month over the weekend and this has been a private arrangement between her and him but obv she's not happy about it and she said him have them half of the year and her the other. 

fourbrats's picture

but not six months and six months...more like exchange every two weeks and then do as he wants on his time? She would have to go back to court to change it. I don't see why he is fighting for less time with his kids. Honestly it sounds like he is playing you. 

Climbmountains91's picture

They have a mutual arrangement they have come up between themselves where he sees them twice a week and he does not "do what he wants" during that time he works 40 hours a week and then sees me and my daughter three days a week. (On both them days he's at work). It's hard to see them any other time as they are at school/nursery.  He gives her child support and sees them on the set days 50/50 he would have to quit his job, I don't see how that is reasonable to ask to quit his job to go 50/50. 

fourbrats's picture

to have his kids in his home after school and overnight 50% of the time? That is called parenting. They go to school, they come home, he hires childcare or a nanny if you do not desire to watch them (which is perfectly acceptable). They live with their dad half the time under this arangement (as well as with you and your kids). That is what I meant by he does what he wants. He has a home and a family and his ex has a home and a family. They share their mutual children. No one interferes with what goes on in the other home unless it is abusive or dangerous to the kids. 

 

Climbmountains91's picture

It's up to them what they do at the end of the day. I'm Not the "evil girlfriend stopping anything if that's what he wants to do then so be it but the only thing I would ask from him is to keep up the arrangement with our daughter aswell. But to ask him to change/quit his job is out of order how the hell is he meant to live and provide. 

fourbrats's picture

his job is ridiculous and isn't going to happen. If you all lived together or he was in a relationship with you and had 50/50 then the arrangement would be that you were all one family. 

That is where I am confused. He wouldn't be keeping the kids away from you or their sister. You would be one unit if he would simply tell his ex that he is no longer following her rules. His attorney has already told him as much and she can't force him to change employment or anything else. 

MissTexas's picture

Any love worth having should not be so draining, and you have said it truly is. Sometimes love simply knows when to let go, and a lady always knows when that moment is.

You deserve someone who is your equal, and not to have to deal with someone else's kids. 

Dedicate yourself to your babies. They will reward you richly for that. We only get one opportunity to do this right. This is not a dress rehearsal. We don't get "do overs" in parenting.

Thumper's picture

Are you asking everyone here to tell you:

This is a healthy PARTNERSHIP?

And do you want us to say Depression has boundaries and is selective of whom it affects?

I wish you the very best.

Rags's picture

Why does your SO tolerate his X to interfere in his time with his child?  She has zero say about who your SO introduces his child to.  Period.

Time for SO to grow some balls, smack BM about the head and shoulders with a rolled up copy of his visitation order and put BM in her place.

smh

Climbmountains91's picture

I think it's because she wants stability for the kids and we've come up with "a plan" where we gradually introduce the kids to me (tho she never did that with her SO she just moved him in. 
and I completely agree. 
she's come to her senses now anyway and had put the every other Sunday back on, she's taken to to CS and admitted she can't afford to go to mediation and wanted SO to pay on her behalf. 

ESMOD's picture

why on earth is your mental health even something she would be aware of?  how on earth would she know if you have those kinds of issues.

I guess, unless, you are one of those people prone to oversharing on social media about "no one knows what an anxiety attack is really like" posts

Climbmountains91's picture

Because my partner and her decided to bitch about me during pregnancy with our girl and obv I found out and eventually forgave him and worked things out. 

ESMOD's picture

Unforgivable behavior tbh.  I would never forgive my partner for mocking me with someone like that.  Sorry that happened.. but I don't see much daylight in the situation.  your partner gave her ammunition.

Climbmountains91's picture

He really did and now she's all over it like a rash and using it as a weapon.but it's ok for her to have mental breakdowns in the past week or so.